HUMOR Digest - 24 Aug 1997 to 25 Aug 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 236 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Men at Sex <adult humor>
  2. More Church Bloopers (part 2) <inoffensive>
  3. HUMOR - Parody
  4. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  5. Intelligence <clean,WARNING:PJ>

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Date:    Sun, 24 Aug 1997 03:00:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men at Sex <adult humor>

*   Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his
  trailer, when there was a knock at the door.  "Come in." he said.
    A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and
  said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
    The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
  And then, unbuttoning his shirt, he added, "In about an hour or so."
                                - - - - -

* "What good does it do for you to say that have an open mind when it
  comes to sex ?" fumed the put-off boyfriend to his aloft girlfriend,
  "When the rest of you is closed."
                                - - - - -

*   "Are you and Larry serious ?" the one girl asked her friend while
  they were talking over cocktails.
    "We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied.
  "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in
  the back seat."
                                - - - - -

* "What would you say to some oral sex ?" the girlfriend asked her beau.
  "That all depends." he mused. "Your face or mine ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A movie buff was quietly enjoying a Triple XXX flick, when the guy
  seated near him exclaimed, "In thirty years I've never seen anything
  like this."
    "You've been a porn movie goer for 30 years ?" the avid fan asked.
    "No." the man replied. "A gynecologist."
                                - - - - -

* A bunch of the brothers were yakking it up in the fraternity house
  living room, when an angry voice from the floor above cut into the
  din.  "Hey !  You creeps cut out the foul language.  I'm screwing a
  nice Vassar girl up here."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 24 Aug 1997 14:57:49 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Church Bloopers (part 2) <inoffensive>

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The pastor
will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued
until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement noon Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are
due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.  Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang
a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

(more tomw)

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Date:    Sun, 24 Aug 1997 19:46:58 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Parody

The FALL/WINTER _Wireless_ catalog includes an item, the description of which
reads in part, "You don't make your own sachets, mill your own soaps, or clot
your own cream, but you *will* take pride in this ceramic tile parody, framed
in oak and measuring 7 1/4" square. ... What is written on the tile?

                        "Martha Stewart Doesn't
                                Live Here!"

 For non-American humorists, Martha Stewart is featured in a U.S. TV program
 where she prepares all sorts of crafts and concoctions from the barest of
 essentials. Many think she could go out behind her home, dig iron ore, and
 build an automobile in about two or three days!

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Date:    Sun, 24 Aug 1997 20:15:29 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - MAY be offensive to The Rich & Famous, men, women, Ken, Italians,
balding men, Californians, American politicians, postal workers, large
people, AOL, British Royalty, Mike Tyson. Includes reference to illegal
drug use.

Christian Slater was arrested on assault charges. Out of habit, Charlie
Sheen apologized. (Maher)

During the UPS strike the post office was inundated. For awhile, they even
considered opening a second window.

Mike Tyson's wife gave birth to a boy. The kid takes after Mike... he's
teething already. (Leno)

House Democrats and Republicans played a softball game in Washington in 95
degree weather. They were able to finish up quickly - in the middle of the
fifth inning they voted to close two of the bases.

A new study says spanking is bad for kids, however, experts are a bit
suspicious of the findings - the study was written in crayon.

The explorer Sojourner took a tour of the rock Vogi, then headed for Scooby
Do. It's pretty obvious - women are Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars.

U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno has called for treating sentencing for
possession of powder and crack cocaine the same, and she's getting a lot of
support from politicians. D.C. Mayor Marion Barry said, "I've tried them
both and I can't tell the difference." (Leno)

Queen Elizabeth is said to be an avid Net surfer. She even has her own
broken- home page. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

America Online canceled its plan to sell subscribers' phone numbers to
phone solicitors. Why is AOL so good at apologizing to angry clients?
Practice. Lots of practice.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

San Francisco marijuana activist Dennis Peron is running for California
governor in the Republican primary. It'll be nice to have a campaign that
takes the high ground for a change. (Daily Scoop)

CBS is making a movie based on Marcia Clark's book about the OJ Simpson
trial. Casting has not yet begun, but Marlon Brando has expressed interest
in playing the mountain of evidence.

Federal Highway officials told Congress that road rage accounts for
two-thirds of the country's deaths. The problem is indigenous to California
- our state bird is the hand gesture.

Disney has purchased the alternative music label Mammoth Records. You can
expect some minor changes - for example, all women being chased by
musicians will now be carrying plates of food.

A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. For one
thing, we're awake.

National Airport has undergone a $1 billion renovation. The bill was only
supposed to be half that amount, but the contractor left his car in daily
parking.

Food and Drug Administration advisors are recommending that a stronger
version of Rogaine be released. There is, however, some controversy over
the labeling. The new product is called Chia Hair.

Michael Bolton is recording an album of Italian opera. In a related story,
Italy has declared war on us.

Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get
Barbie to talk. The problem was getting Ken to listen.

John Tesh trading cards will soon be available. Oooh, I'll trade you for a
'93 Yanni!
(Daily Scoop)

Life Technologies is coming out with a new water said to contain seven
times more oxygen than regular bottled water. It's perfect for those people
who are just too busy to breathe.

And finally, Herbert Hoover, founder of Hoover vacuum has died. In
accordance with his wishes, he will be buried upright.

AFTERTHOUGHT - I'm thinking about writing a book about the OJ Simpson
trial.
"I Could Have Served On The OJ Jury, But I Threw Away The Summons."

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Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:59:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Intelligence <clean,WARNING:PJ>

 ******PJ WARNING************

 Son:    'Dad, who is more intelligent - a father or a son?'
 Father: 'Father, of course.'
 Son:    'No, it's the son who is more intelligent.'
 Father: 'And how is that?'
 Son:    'Okay, who discovered the steam engine?'
 Father: 'James Watt.'
 Son:     'Why not his dad?'

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Aug 1997 to 25 Aug 1997
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