HUMOR Digest - 22 Aug 1997 to 23 Aug 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy holidays <no off.>
  2. Childbirth
  3. Stress Diet
  4. Microsoft Husband <Sexual theme>
  5. HUMOR: minor scandal
  6. $2 Billion B-2 Bomber Not Totally Stealthy During Rainstorms
  7. (s)Hit List (offensive language about fecal matter)
  8. Mt. St. Helen's Catastrophe
  9. Martians & Venusians
 10. Thinking about being a parent?
 11. <humor> Lincoln and Kennedy {revised}

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Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 09:25:27 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Happy holidays <no off.>

Hitler went to a fortuneteller. "When will I die?", he wanted to know.
"You'll die on a jewish holiday", the fortuneteller said, after examining
Hitler's left hand.
"WHICH jewish holiday?", he urged.
"Who cares ?", was the answer, "when you die, it IS a jewish holiday".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 04:03:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Childbirth

*   I suppose pregnant women do get tired of each person they talk
  to only discussing either babies or pregnancy with them.  I was at a
  party one time and overheard a lady ask an obviously near full term
  mother-to-be how she was feeling these days.
    The expectant lil' Mother frowned and said, "Not too good.  I've
  missed seven or eight periods, and I'm beginning to worry about it."
                                - - - - -

* The obviously concerned husband was standing alongside his wife as
  she lay on a stretcher, ready to be taken back into the delivery
  room, and obviously in a great deal of pain.  He had a concerned
  look on his face as he said, "Honey, are you really sure you want
  to go through with this ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Pity the poor pregnant woman who is subjected to remarks about her
  size and girth.  A VERY pregnant lady boarded the MetroLiner and
  found no seats.  Instead of a gallant male jumping up they all just
  sat there.  Finally she said, "Well, isn't anyone going to offer me
  their seat."
    This little fellow jumped up and said, "Well...  I guess I can make
  a small contribution."
                                - - - - -

*   Following a long and painful labor and the birth of her 4th child,
  the woman relaxed in the hospital bed, drifting in and out of sleep.
  While she dozed, her husband entered the room with flowers, moved
  quietly towards the bed, bent over and kissed her.
    She awoke at once, took one look at the flowers and said, "Ohhhhh
  Walter !  Please !!!  Not so soon !!!"
                                - - - - -

*   The husband was trying to downplay the pain involved in childbirth.
  The woman asked her doctor if she could describe it to him.
    "Sure." the doctor replied.  "Mr. Armacost, grab hold of your lower
  lip."  And when he did, she said, "Now pull it over your head."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 08:22:29 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stress Diet

BREAKFAST
---------
1/2 Grapefruit
1 piece whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH
-----
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
-------------------
Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar Hot Fudge

DINNER
------
2 loaves Garlic Bread
Large Mushroom and Pepperoni Pizza
Large Pitcher Beer
3 Milky Ways
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 13:15:57 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Husband <Sexual theme>

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made
love.

The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we
make love he brings me flowers and candy.  I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, " My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a
little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft and all
he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to
be when I get it."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 13:29:25 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: minor scandal

 There was a minor scandal at Ft Sill, Oklahoma several years ago.
 A young girl married a much older Colonel and they were preparing,
 after the honeymoon, to move into the Col's quarters. Suddenly, the
 girl was gone and the Col stayed in his bachelor quarters. Seems she
 confided during the honeymoon that she was pregnant and seems he was
 sterile but hadn't told her.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 14:30:52 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: $2 Billion B-2 Bomber Not Totally Stealthy During Rainstorms

>From the Associated Press/ New York Times: August 22,1997

  Tests of the highly touted B-2 stealth bomber show that when it is
exposed to water and humidity, the plane loses much of its ability to
evade radar detection, a government report has found. The Air Force said
Friday it has dropped plans, for now, to station any B-2s overseas because
the plane must be housed in special climate-controlled hangars like those
at its main operating base in Missouri.

  ``B-2s must be kept in shelters because of their sensitivity to moisture,
water and other severe climatic conditions,'' according to a report by the
General Accounting Office, the auditing arm of Congress. The Air Force said
it was studying possible changes in stealthy materials and repair processes
to eventually enable it to deploy the $2 billion airplanes overseas. The GAO
report also said that of all B-2 practice runs between March 1996 and March
1997, only 26 percent were successful missions, with climate listed as the
primary reason for failures. Congress has ordered 21 of the dark gray fighters,
at a price tag of $44.7 billion. Northrop Grumman Corp. builds the B-2s,
which are based at Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 11:33:25 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: (s)Hit List (offensive language about fecal matter)

Found somewhere on the net:

Ghost Shit -
The kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the
toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you
have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so
you don't ruin your pants with a stain.

Second Wave
It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to
your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit
The kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Shit
You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Shit
The kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into
little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Shit
It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Shit
Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the
toilet, cramp and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you
sideways.

Wet Cheek Shit (The Power Dump!)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed
with water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over
the toilet bowl.

Mexican Food Shit
It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper Class Shit
The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.

Fisherman's Bobber Shit
The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people
waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf
ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.

Ambush Shit
The kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while
playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just a little, but you
end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the
day.

Drunken Shit
The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most
noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Champagne Shit
You're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid
streams from your ass.

Kling-On Shit
The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge.

The Iceberg Shit
This is the kind where half of the shit is under the water, while the
other half is floating up.

Blow Out Shit
The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the
bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.

Exorcist Shit
The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and
burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit)

Peek-A-Boo Shit
It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back
in, etc.

Pregnancy Shit
The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze
for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing
fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)

Rabbit Shit
It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually,
you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom.

Alphabet Shit
It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at
it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"

Feminist Shit
No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault.

Blowtorch Shit
Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable.
(usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food)

Dual Density Shit
The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the
bowl.

Ribbon Shit
A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but
not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch
wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.

The Public Shit
Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces
you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom.

Little Boy Shit
Shit powerful enough to level a small city.

Flood Shit
You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding
your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a
brown, pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief
concert to help cleanup efforts)

Dream Shit
When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that
you'll be dreaming about.

Concrete Shit
This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14
days.

Surgery Shit
After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass
is torn apart so badly.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 15:16:08 EDT
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Mt. St. Helen's Catastrophe

I was listening to a group conversation and one of them was commenting on
an article he had read after Mt. St. Helen's erupted in Washington state
in 1980.  When a major event like that happens, journalists and reporters
fly to the place to get the story. A plane full of journalists and
reporters from the east coast were flying to see the aftermath and
destruction of the eruption, when they looked out the window they
commented on all of the down trees and how it was such a wasteland and
how horrible it looked. The pilot turned around and said, " Oh we're not
there yet that's just Weyerhaeuser* land."

* Weyerhaeuser is a paper making company in the Northwest States

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 14:23:40 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Martians & Venusians

The reason why the average woman would rather have beauty rather than
brains is because she knows the average man can see beter than he can
think!
                        -- Dr. James Dobson
                           (Psychologist & bestselling author)
                           http://www.fotf.org/AboutFocus/jcdbio.html


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 22:18:18 -0400
From:    Allen Gordon <flashman@NETUNLIMITED.NET>
Subject: Thinking about being a parent?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to
have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up
the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and
overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that
you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.
Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am
and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the
alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for
5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and
a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make
an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.  Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
along the way.  Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as
you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up
and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish
this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to
be an aeroplane.  Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman
Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 16:08:28 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Lincoln and Kennedy {revised}

CHILLING COINCIDENCES IN THE LIVES OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND JOHN F. KENNEDY

  NOTE:  I'm sure you've seen variations on this list before.  I just saw
         this version which adds a whole new dimension to the discussion
         and wanted to pass it along to humor historians out there.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress is 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one...
     Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
     Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names contain fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Aug 1997 to 23 Aug 1997
************************************************
