HUMOR Digest - 21 Aug 1997 to 22 Aug 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 842 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Big City Traffic
  2. Growing Young <clean>
  3. Humor - A Different Perspective (Adult)
  4. Abby Highlights
  5. The top 51 worst pick up lines
  6. Work v. Prison <Not offensive>
  7. HUMOR - How's that?
  8. Chicken Cake (Adult Humor)
  9. Speech impediment <adult theme>
 10. Army pipe specifications
 11. Don't Forget You Ferritin
 12. Just fun <no off>
 13. Algorithm For A Hindi Movie <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 03:55:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Big City Traffic

*   Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're
  some of the world's most brazen drivers.  Oddly enuff though, their
  current accident rate isn't all that bad.  I asked one of the drivers
  one day the reason for that.
    "Easy." he said.  "All the really bad drivers are dead now."
                                - - - - -

* Washington DC attracts an awful lot of tourists.  I overheard one man
  climbing out of the family van say, "Well, we finally found a parking
  spot.  Does anyone remember why we wanted to stop here."
                                - - - - -

*   One frustrated woman driver rolled down her window after sitting in
  the same spot for 15 minutes and said to the man in the vehicle next
  to hers, "Boy !!!   This is something this morning.  Here it is almost
  9:00 and this looks like the 7:30 rush hour traffic."
    Her fellow commuter replied, "Lady, I got news for ya.  This IS the
  7:30 traffic."
                                - - - - -

*   Like a lot of men, I pick on woman drivers, I'm afraid.  One time I
  saw a car make a u-turn in the middle of the block and I said to Mrs.
  JimJr "Damn women drivers !"
    As the vehicle passed us, going in the opposite direction, it was
  clear by the beard that the operator was indeed a man.
    As Mrs. JimJr just sat there smirking, I mumbled, "Well, his Mother
  probably taught him how to drive."
                                - - - - -

*   A taxi was creeping along in the traffic and the passenger was in a
  hurry.  "Please !!!"  she said. "Can't you go any faster ?"
    The harried driver said, "Sure lady.  But I ain't allowed to leave
  the cab."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 12:18:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Growing Young <clean>

Some years ago, a retrospective showing of Pablo Picasso's works was
held at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City.  Nearly a thousand
of Picasso's works were displayed in chronological order, beginning
when he was a very young boy.  The early works were traditional
landscapes and still-lifes.  Then, as the artist advanced in age, brilliant
colours began to emerge, and the still-lifes were no longer very still.
Finally, of course, the works turned into the kind of bold, zesty
abstractions for which Picasso is best known.  One art critic who saw the
show recalled that once, when Picasso was eighty-five, he was asked
the reason why his earlier works were so solemn and his later works so
ecstatic and exciting.  "How do you explain it?" asked the interviewer.
"Easily," Picasso responded. "It takes a long time to become young!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 05:51:12 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - A Different Perspective (Adult)

Received from a friend:

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left
her last employment, she replied, "Yes,sir, they paid good wages, but it
was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.  They played a game called
Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.  As I was about to bring
in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've
got."  Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."  Another man
says to the lady,  "Take your hand off my trick!"  I pretty near dropped
dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you
didn't have the strength for one raise."  Another lady was talking about
protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now
it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one
of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last
rubber."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 07:36:44 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Abby Highlights

ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS (unverified)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins.
My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning
too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his
hobby.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate
doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.  Now how do I
get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief
petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each
other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can
get?
-GERTIE-
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my
own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he
has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get
some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He
says he's saving for a rainy day.
-FORTY YEARS HITCHED-
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday.  What do you think he'd
like?
-CAROL-
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY-
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby
this big be that early?
-WONDERING-
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS-
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?
-JAKE-
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's
still chasing women. Any suggestions?
-ANNIE-
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he
ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Any suggestions?
-SAM IN CAL.-
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED-
DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?
-RITA-
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age
with no bad habits.
-ROSE-
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS-
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

obtained from K. Tuholski

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 08:19:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The top 51 worst pick up lines

  1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to
     plant you right here!
  2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
  3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
  4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I  want to be.
  5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
  6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
  7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
     to you.
  8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and
     going....
  9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
     coming too.
 10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat
     me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
 11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
     me to it.
 12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
     "tinker" around with.
 13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.
 14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
 15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
 16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
     have you seen one?
 17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you
     all day long for a quarter.
 18. Wanna Play House?  You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
     long.
 19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
     afternoon.
 20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
 21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
 22. Guy:  "Would you like to dance?"
     Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
     Guy:  "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
            in those pants"
 23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost
     mine.
 24. I look good on you.
 25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
 26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I
     visit you between the Holidays?
 27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's
     one more going to hurt?
 28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
 29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
 30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
 31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
     light switch away.
 32. Do you want to dance, No?  Well I guess a fuck is out of the
     question.
 33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
 34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
 35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
 36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard,
     and serve hot.
 37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all
     day long.
 38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
 39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home
     without me.
 40. Do you have a quarter?  My mother told me to call home when I met the
     girl of my dreams.
 41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread
     the word.
 42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
     curves ahead, yield?
 43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all
     night long.
 44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?  I think he went
     into this cheap motel room.
 45. Was you dad a farmer?  Cause you sure have great melons.
 46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
 47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
 48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room
     for your tongue.
 49. Guy:     "haven't I seen you someplace before?"
     Girl:     "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
 50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of
     your mouth.
 51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 08:28:21 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Work v. Prison <Not offensive>

* In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
* At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
* In prison you get 3 meals a day.
* At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
* In prison you get time off for good behavior.
* At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
* In prison you can watch TV and play games.
* At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
* In prison a guard locks, unlocks...opens and closes all doors for you.
* At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
  doors yourself.
* In prison you get your own toilet.
* At work you have to share.
* In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
* At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
* In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
* At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
  deduct taxes from you salary to pay for the prisoners.
* In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
  inside wanting to get out.
* At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
  bars.
* In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
* At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
* In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
* At work we call them managers.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 07:38:26 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - How's that?

 South African English as spoken on the news

 Arwa - as in "arwa dee-mands"
 Beds - mossies, doves, etc
 Ben  - to set alight
 Cut  - a small donkey-drawn vehicle
 Errors - districts, eg ebbon errors
 Gaddin - where you grow kebbi-jees
 Get - a hinged device in a fence
 Hair - as oppsed to him
 Hiss - masculine form of hairs
 I'm so heppi - I just voted
 Itch - as in "itch and avairy"
 Kah - what you drive around in
 Kennel - ammy officer
 Kettle - cows
 Kipper - eg goal kipper
 Lan - to acquire knowledge
 Mick - those that will inherit the eth
 Pee pull - die mense
 Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal
 Piss - symbolised by white dove
 Sheep - big boat
 Ship - provider of wool
 Spitch - what politicians make at a relly
 Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi
 Tipic ally - characteristic
 Tocks - negotiations
 We men - ladies
 We pon - a gun
 Weaned - an ill one blows nobody any good
 Weds - what the dictionary is made up of
 Wekkas - do the weck
 Weld - the eth
 Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom
 Beg -  shopping-beg, hand-beg, tog-beg
 Chealdrin - our future is in their hands
 Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays
 Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them
 Debben - city in KZN
 Diellas - as in drug diellas or wee-pon diellas
 Detty - opposite of clean
 Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi
 Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off
 Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors
 Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair
 Fems - companies, eg Anglo-American
 Fest - the one before second and third
 Fum  - you can fum with ship or kettle
 Fumma  - he owns the fum
 Geave -  you MUST geave, I will take.
 Hubba - where sheeps dock.
 Jems - little bugs that give you the flu
 Kettegry - in a system of classification
 Kettelog - shopping brochure
 Keptown - parliament doesn't belong there
 Kot - where the judges sit
 Lieda - as in Arwa Lieda, the president.
 Miening - What is the miening of this attack?
 Nesses - they work in kleenex and hospitals
 Piss-Tox - between IRA and John Major
 Reeva - eg. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange
 Regime - anything to describe pre-1994
 Rent - (deleted from dictionary) DO NOT pay.
 Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic
 Shex - houses in squatter-camps
 Shuck-nets  - at Debben, for safety of sweamas
 Shuck-attak - If the shuck-net is broken
 Sweamas - compete in a sweaming-pool
 Taps - solvent to thin Enamel paint
 Teck - see geave (above)
 Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola
 Thest - Ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day
 Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica
 Ummy - Military force
 Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull
 Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through
 Weaner - the one with the most votes
 Wems - small crawly creatures.("He's got wems")
 Wemmox (R) - Medicine to get rid of wems
 Weth - She is weth her weight in gold.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 08:50:50 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chicken Cake (Adult Humor)

CHICKEN CAKE

1       lean chicken
2       legs
2       breasts
1       banana
2       nuts
1       cherry

Take tender chicken in arms, take two handsful of breasts and knead gently.
Take two legs, spread apart and insert banana. Stir until good and hot.
Increase motion until banana creams, cherry pops and nuts crack. Let cool,
if cake rises, leave town!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 15:01:33 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert <MMT@HK.MOBILE.TELIA.SE>
Subject: Speech impediment <adult theme>

A man had a particularly bad speech impediment, but was otherwise quite
healthy. His fiancee, however, felt that it interfered with their social life.
She insisted that the man have a physical examination to determine whether
or not the problem was correctable.

At the conclusion of the physical the doctor told the man that the stuttering
was caused by the man's penis. The member was so large that it was weighing
down his vocal chords, causing them to bend. The situation was correctable, the doctor said, by a special operation whereby the surgeon removes the middle 6 inches of the organ.  In this case the man would still have 12
inches, which should still be enough to make any woman happy.

After discussing the situation with his fiancee, the couple decided that
the operation was a go.  Sure enough, the stuttering was cured. Everything
was great for a few weeks, however over time the fiancee began to feel that
the man's performance in the sack was not what it used to be.  She missed
that 6 inches. So she asked her fiancee to go back and see if the operation
could be undone. If he would do that, she reasoned, she would never ask
anything of him again.

The man reluctantly agreed to talk to the doctor.  The man made an
appointment and was in the process of explaining the situation when the doctor
interrupted him by saying, "N-n-n-n-no way, a d-d-d-deal i-is a d-d-d-deal."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 11:16:02 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Army pipe specifications

                     ARMY PIPE SPECIFICATION

All Pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site. NB: Some vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipes.  If available in your area, this product is a
recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE"
clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a
long pipe.

Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long pipe or a short pipe.

All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE"
painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand
or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, upgill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do
not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

All pipes shorter than 1/8 inch (3mm) are very uneconomical in use,
requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.

Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include Conduit,
Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are
not approved of in engineering circles...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 08:37:26 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Don't Forget You Ferritin

DON'T FORGET YOUR FERRITIN, YOU LITTLE RAT
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, July 23, 1997

I'm thinking of switching from conventional medicine to witch doctors.
Witch doctors don't know a boil from a hickey but they do speak English.

The regular medical profession has been taken over by a biological
babble.  And most of its members remain blissfully unaware that their
jargon is not familiar to the general public.

It worries me a little to trust my health to a profession that is too
unsophisticated to know that most of us will be confused when we get a
missive in the mail, as I did the other day, telling us it is "Time for
CBC, ferritin."

Period.  Nothing more.

I figured out what that meant.  I am married to another kind of doctor
who studied Latin.  I know from her that words with things like "ferro"
and "ferrous" in them have to do with iron.  And I know from horsy
friends that "ferrier" or "farrior" is a fancy name for a blacksmith who
shoes horses with iron.

On the other hand, my "CBC, ferritin" notice could have something to do
with a "ferret" -- a long rat.  Maybe "CBC, ferritin" means "Communist
bastard cheapskate, you little ferret" or something like that.  Maybe
it's hate mail from the medical center.  But I've always paid my bills
so I don't think so.

I could figure out the "ferritin" because a few weeks ago my doctor
discovered my iron is a little low for a man.  I say low for a man
because it is a condition common to people who are pregnant but they're
pretty sure that's not it.

I am taking iron pills, little dark green things that taste like a pump
handle.  It's my guess that it's time to have my iron level checked, or
maybe my ferret's iron checked.  A person can never be sure when reading
instructions written in a deservedly dead language.

The memo telling me it is "time for CBC, ferritin" was on a printed form
on which they had checked the instruction:  "Please call two (2) days
prior so that we can send your papers to the Lab."

Two (2) days prior to what?  I assumed that meant two (2) days prior to
my willingness to show up and let them draw some blood or flog the
ferret or whatever they want to do.  But I called the attached number to
make sure.

The call went straight into one of those press-one-press-two-press-three
telephone answering mazes -- with layers.  I pressed one of the numbers
and got several more press-this-or-press-that choices.

Then I spoke to a person, or maybe a blacksmith.  You never know when
calling about CBC ferritin.  And the person informed me they wanted my
blood, as I suspected.  And they are welcome to take some -- anything if
I can prove I'm not pregnant.

The iron experience reminded me of a similar triumph for modern medicine
since the salesmen and accountants got their fangs into the medical
insurance business.  My company recently changed our medical insurance
coverage to an HMO (which, so far, seems to stand for Health Muddling
Organization).  The first thing I learned was that I couldn't continue
buying my regular high blood pressure medicine from local pharmacies
except at greater expense to me.  The payment rules pressured me to
purchase through a mail order pharmacy -- in Oregon.

I tried mail order.  It worked once.  The next time I ordered, two weeks
went by and no medicine arrived.  I called the Oregon outfit.  Some
automatic equipment transferred the call.  Suddenly I was talking to
someone in Pennsylvania.  He told me they had taken over the business
from the Oregon outfit.  My HMO had forgotten to tell us.

A month after I ordered, the prescription arrived from Pennsylvania.

And then, a few days later, another prescription arrived -- one more
than I had ordered.  And it was double the prescribed dosage.  I took
one before the mistake was discovered and called to my attention.  It
didn't kill me.

It may surprise you to learn I still support giving the HMO approach a
try.  We have to do something to get medical costs under control.  That
takes some sacrifice on the part of patients.  And they'll probably get
the bugs out one of these years.  If they don't, I'd like somebody to
recommend a competent insurance company and a witch doctor.

Meanwhile, after my first prescription got lost, a salesman for the HMO
dropped by to apologize for their neglecting to tell us the drug store
had moved to the East.

I kid you not when I tell you he was wearing a Mickey Mouse necktie.  I
guess it pays to advertise.

(Isn't a mouse some kind of a ferret?)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 00:27:29 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Just fun <no off>

 This time, just a small practical joke:

Walk to a total stranger and say: Do you know where Crestwood Avenue is?
He'll probablysay: No.

Then you say: Well, you go to the left and then you...

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Date:    Fri, 22 Aug 1997 09:21:10 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Algorithm For A Hindi Movie <clean>

1) Two brothers separated in childhood always grow up on
   different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however,
   suddenly turns over a  new leaf before the end, "bashes" up
   the villain (who is the "real" bad guy), and is pardoned for
   all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
   possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2   below).

2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of
   heroines, the excess heroes/heroines a) dies, or  b) joins
   the Red Cross and takes off to Switzerland before the end of
   the movie.

3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they fight each other
   savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

4) Any court scene has the statement "Objection milord". If
   it is made by the hero, or his lawyer, it is sustained.
   Else, it is overruled.

5) The hero's sister usually marries the hero's best friend
   (i.e.  the second hero). Else, she is raped by the villain
   within the 1st 30 minutes, and commits suicide.

6) In a chase, the hero ALWAYS overtakes the villain, even on
   a  bullock-cart, or on foot.

7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he NEVER a) misses
   and, b) runs out of bullets. When the villain fires at the
   hero, he always misses (unless the hero is required to
   die, as in rule 2).

8) Any fight sequence takes place in the vicinity of a stack
   of a) pots   b) barrels   c) glass bottles   d) tube lights
   which get shattered to pieces.

9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers has a song sung by
   a) the brothers    b) their blind mother (she is required
   to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
   c) the family dog/cat. These folks in the movie remember the
   song after 20 years, you can't seem to remember it 2 minutes
   after coming out of the movie theatre.

10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in
    three categories:
    a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father -
       killed  by the villain before the titles.
    b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1),
       saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat
       him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's
       daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
    c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the "real" villain's sidekick)
       unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Aug 1997 to 22 Aug 1997
************************************************
