HUMOR Digest - 20 Aug 1997 to 21 Aug 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 419 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Advice & Observations by JimJr
  2. House Special <adult and gross as hell>
  3. Rejection <may be off. to religious people>
  4. Apple's saviour ... not! (off. to MS)
  5. Tip for the Day
  6. Humor - `Icebreaker' = Hot Water
  7. Fw: (U) English Lessons
  8. Sean Connery Accident
  9. Computer Illiterate Support Call <clean>

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Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 05:56:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Advice & Observations by JimJr

* Hey guys -- Support your local Girl Scouts.  Remember, the cookie
  seller of today is the "cupcake" of tomorrow.
                                - - - - -

* If your wife parks the car, don't sit there and insist she do it
  properly; walking the rest of the way to the curb is good exercise.
                                - - - - -

* Personally, I've found the easiest way to get Mrs. JimJr to change
  her mind is to agree with her.
                                - - - - -

* And guys, when you're wrong -- you're wrong.  Approach your wife in
  a straight-forward manner and lie about the whole thing.
                                - - - - -

* I wouldn't worry too much about a woman becoming President too soon.
  I mean, how can we rename Air Force One, the "SuffraJet" ?
                                - - - - -

* If you ever play poker with a woman, make sure that she understands
  in advance that Four Kings still beats Four Queens.
                                - - - - -

* Always make sure that you only weigh yourself on those days where
  everything else has already gone wrong, and the day's ruined anyway.
                                - - - - -

* It may be true that life begins at 40, but everything else seems to
  wear out, fall out, need to come out or spread out.
                                - - - - -

* You can always tell a woman who's looking for the "perfect" relationship.
  She's either single or married.
                                - - - - -

* In closing today, let me say, please remember, even moderation ought
  not to be practiced to excess.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 07:35:51 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: House Special <adult and gross as hell>

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender I'd like to try the house
special"

Bartender says "are you sure?"

"Yeah,  and make that a double", says the man, "I'm tough."

The man then downs the entire drink with one gulp.
He orders drink after drink for an hour.

"Well, that was great!!" says the man and walks out the door.

The next day the same man goes back into the bar.  This time he looks
awful.

Bartender asks  "What happened to you?"

Man says, "I was so sick from those drinks, I spent the night blowin'
chunks."

"Well, lots of people blow chunks when they drink too much" says the
bartender.

Man says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

from K. Tuholski

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 14:44:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Rejection <may be off. to religious people>

And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was
in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.  Then Jonah prayed
to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the
Lord out of my distress and He answered me' ... and the Lord
spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.
(Jonah 1:17--2:1-2,10)

Q. What does this story teach us?

A1. You can't keep a good man down
A2. The whale could not stomach Jonah
A3. Chew before you swallow
A4. "Lord, I ordered a Jonah medium-rare. This one is raw!"
A5. Finicky whale
A6. There were whales in the Mediterranean Sea, in those days

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Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 08:51:33 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Apple's saviour ... not! (off. to MS)

Stolen from InformationWeek dated August 18th, 1997 (Page 12):

Quote of the week:
PURPORTED e-mail sent by Bill Gates to Micro$oft CFO Greg Maffet ...

"You bought WHAT? You spent my $150 million on WHAT? Don't you listen? I
said SNAPPLE!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 07:31:26 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tip for the Day

TIP FOR THE DAY

We let the word "love" seduce us.  We hear it so much in our lives, myth
and music that its power far exceeds its potential.

For most of us, hearing the word "love" is more important than what's
behind it.  Sure, we want the "caring" and "feeling" stuff, but if it
doesn't come wrapped in that shiny, satin gift wrap paper called "love"
we won't accept it.

You know what a mightier word than "love" would be?  "Loke," which is
"love" and "like" combined.  But, if someone gazed into your eyes and
said, "Baby, I loke you," you'd just walk away laughing like a hyena.
Tragically, you would have frittered away a gift greater than love
itself.  God, are we spoiled.

Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright (c) 1994

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 11:09:38 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - `Icebreaker' = Hot Water

LANCASTER,TEXAS -- A math work sheet that phrased problems in terms of
drugs, guns and sex has led to the suspension of nearly half of the math
teachers at a high school in this south Dallas suburb.

 Several parents and students, who attended a special board meeting Monday,
said the work sheet contained questions about percentages posed in
references to drug sales, gangs, automatic weapons, drive-by shooting and
teen pregnancies.

 One question began, "If Hector knocked up six girls in his gang ... ,"
several parents and students said.

 More than 100 students received the work sheet at Elsie Robertson High
School, and parents complained.

 The teachers claimed they distributed the work sheet on the first day of
school Thursday as an "icebreaker," said principal Dwain Dawson.

 "Those are outstanding teachers. They didn't do this maliciously," the
principal said.

 But he added: "They should have never used it. It was a poor professional
decision. It's unacceptable. That's not a joke."

 Dawson suspended the head of the math department for 60 days without pay
and five other teachers for 30 days without pay.

Source: Houston Chronicle (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 17:45:14 -0400
From:    "Thomas E. Foster" <tfoster@EN.COM>
Subject: Fw: (U) English Lessons

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

          In-class Assignment for Wednesday

  Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The
  process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting
  to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first
  paragraph of a short story.   The partner will read the first
  paragraph and then add another  paragraph to the story.   The first
  person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
  the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a conclusion
  has been reached.
   ------------------------------------------------------------

  At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
  camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
  reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
  he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
  mind off Carl.  His  possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
  thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So
  camomile was out of the question.

  Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
  now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
  than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
  whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S.Harris to
  Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
  orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
  could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
  blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct
  hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

  He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
  one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
  had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
  pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
  "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.".
  Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously
  excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
  youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
  newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
  innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one
  lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

  Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
  Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
  the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
  peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
  through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
  alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
  two hours  after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
  on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
  planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
  diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
  unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
  headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
  inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
  other Americans. The  President slammed his fist on the conference
  table.  "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's
  blow'em out of the sky!"


  This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
  writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

  Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
  writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

          Asshole.

          Bitch.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 02:01:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Sean Connery Accident

Heard on the radio this morning where Sean Connery was filming a scene
for his upcoming James Bond movie.  He was in his automobile when a
brick was thrown from a bridge overhead.  The brick broke through the
windshield, just missing the actor who lost control of the vehicle and
was nearly totaled.

Following the incident the actor was reported to be shaken, but not
stirred.

---
 Polaroids-What polar bears get from sitting on icebergs

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 09:11:41 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Computer Illiterate Support Call <clean>

     "Hello, Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well,
     I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?"
     "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
     away."
     "Went away?"
     "They disappeared."
     "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
     "Nothing?"
     "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still
     in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"
     [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
     prompt on the screen?"
     "What's a sea-prompt?"
     [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can
     you move the cursor around on the screen?"
     "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
     type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
     hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's
     power plug.]"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
     "What's a monitor?"
     "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
     have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
     "I don't know."
     "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
     cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
     [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
     "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
     the wall."
     [pause] "Yes, it is."
     [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally
     turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power
     switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's
     bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is
     loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you
     notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
     just one?"
     "No."
     "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
     other cable."
     [muffled] "Okay, here it is."
     "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
     of your computer."
     [still muffled] "I can't reach."
     "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."
     "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
     "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's
     dark."
     "Dark?"
     "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
     from the window."
     "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."
     "No? Why not?"
     "Because there's a power outage."
     "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
     "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
     have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
     "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
     "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
     it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
     from." "Really? Is it that bad?"
     "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
     "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them
     you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Aug 1997 to 21 Aug 1997
************************************************
