HUMOR Digest - 19 Aug 1997 to 20 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 315 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex on Campus <adult humor>
  2. Yugo vs Rolls-Royce
  3. THE ULTIMATE URBAN LEGEND (off. to conspiracy believers)
  4. HUMOR - Teamsters
  5. letter from school
  6. a shortie
  7. drunk <risque>
  8. Height of Mixed Emotions
  9. Doris & Fred <adult>
 10. More Atlanta J-C Vents

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Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 03:02:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex on Campus <adult humor>

*   "I understand you had a blind date last weekend with a real model."
  remarked the envious upperclassman.  "Do you mind telling me how just
  you made out ?"
    "How much can you enjoy an evening," responded the fraternity
  buddy dryly, "with someone who turns out to be the poster girl for
  the Flat Earth Society ?"
                                - - - - -

*   "No Sammy, No !" said the cute lil' coed to her beau as he began
  to make a sexual overture.  "I just had my hair done.  Go away !"
    "You're just as practical as ever sweetheart." said the boyfriend,
  disgusted with being put-off.  "Only this time, I happen to agree.
  I mean, on second thought, why should I ruin an eighty-five dollar
  hairdo for a five buck piece of tail."
                                - - - - -

*   An obviously uncomfortable student had slipped into a sex shop and
  was looking around, with a confused look on his face.
    "Are you looking for anything in particular, sir ?" asked the man
  behind the counter.
    "I'm...  well...  I'm frankly not sure what I have in mind." said
  the boy. "I just want something to spice things up for my girl."
    "Well, on the simple, basic level," said the clerk, "I'd suggest a
  French Tickler."
    "That sounds like fun." replied the student, "But I really don't
  think she ever go for a threesome."
                                - - - - -

*   "I just met the foxiest babe I've ever seen over at the Student Union
  and tried to make a date this weekend, but she said she was busy."
    "Bummer." said his buddy, "So you struck out, huh ?"
    "Well, not entirely, she did give me her phone number." the first guy
  replied, scratching his head. "Only thing is, it's a 1-900 number."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 09:50:53 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Yugo vs Rolls-Royce

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The
driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the
Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car.  You got a phone in your Rolls? I've
got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool!  Hey, you got a fridge in there, too?
I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man!  Hey, you got a TV in
there, too?  You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I
have a television.  A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car!  Hey, you got a bed in there,
too?  I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away,
and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be
installed in the back of the Rolls.  The next morning, the driver of the
Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and
brass trim.  It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all
day.  Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows
fogged up from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.  When there wasn't
any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head
out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls
stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 07:09:44 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: THE ULTIMATE URBAN LEGEND (off. to conspiracy believers)

 Craig Shergold is a 10 year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he
 dies, he would like to set the world record for receiving the most
 Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipes. You can help Craig by sending an irate fax
 to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove all traces of your mother's
 maiden name from their executive washroom wall. They will respond by
 sending e-mail labeled "goodtimes" to the computer controlling Craig's
 life support equipment. When Felippe Linz, the technician operating the
 computer opens this mail, his hard drive will be overwritten with
 thousands of credit card invoices for $250.00, erasing the last bit of
 evidence that Hillary was seen on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot,
 thus allowing world domination by Bill Gates and his tri-lateral
 commission cronies who are eating fried peanut butter and banana
 sandwiches in the black helicopters with Elvis.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 06:44:31 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Teamsters

>From Chuck Shepherd's "Weird News:"

A Teamsters local in Oakland, Calif., protested Mills College's use of
goats to clear brush on its land.  Since the union has a contract with
Mills, a Teamsters official said the college should either replace the
goats with its members, or unionize the goats.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 10:51:43 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: letter from school

A letter from school:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
     Love,Your $on.

A week later....a letter from 'HOME'
dear son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
       Love, Dad.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 14:41:28 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: a shortie

An Israeli train was recently robbed.  The thiefs got a way with $200 in
cash, and $50000 in pledges............

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 16:36:16 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: drunk <risque>

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you,
sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically,
if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir,
are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD.. . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 17:25:32 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Height of Mixed Emotions

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 09:15:42 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Doris & Fred <adult>

 Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
 some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace
 house.

 After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and
 explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for
 a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays
 but would pay for the whole week.

 Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
 "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have
 to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"

  "That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the
 yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and
 fill it with hot water."

 "What about you're husband?" asks the model.

 "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings."
 replies Doris.

 "Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and
 see you tonight."

 That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris
 prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps
 into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The
 model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part
 of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swimwear or
 underclothes.

 Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not
 believe her.

 "It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me,
 tommorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek
 in and see for yourself."

 The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the
 model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind
 her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked
 pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties,points to her
 own hairy mass.

 Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.

  "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.

  "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why
 did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"

  "Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen
 my pussy millions of times?"

 "Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team
 haven't."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Aug 1997 00:15:13 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More Atlanta J-C Vents

Life is an open-book test. Just because all the answers are right
there in front of you, there is no guarantee that you'll pass.

Never again will I use a temp agency! The last temp I hired sat in a
chair facing the printer all day and told people she was waiting for
a document.

My boss has such a big ego that he pages himself over the intercom
and doesn't even disguise his voice.

If women really want to be equal to us men, then why do they continue
to outlive us?

A tizzy is the thing you go through before you have a hissy fit.

I just returned from a pleasure trip. I took my husband to the
airport.

My husband wanted a change of scenery. I showed him the doghouse.

Nudists have an undress code.

If you don't think your wife remembers what you say, try using an
excuse you used six months ago.

Everyone can stop sending in their Publisher's Clearing House
Sweepstakes entries. They've practically assured me that I'm going to
win the big bucks.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Aug 1997 to 20 Aug 1997
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