HUMOR Digest - 18 Aug 1997 to 19 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 449 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top5-8/18/97 - Signs You're on a Mafia Hit List
  2. Comebacks and Twists <adult humor>
  3. HUMOR - More  5th & 6th grade science
  4. Topical humor (off???)
  5. oldie but goodie
  6. INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS pt. 2 of 2
  7. Residency Day One <adult>
  8. mildly sexual
  9. Jobs, Satan Announce Deal
 10. Surd Time Again! <clean>

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 06:41:45 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-8/18/97 - Signs You're on a Mafia Hit List

                        August 18, 1997

          The Top 16 Signs You're on a Mafia Hit List

16> Your waiter wails in anguish as he tosses you the menu from
    the kitchen.

15> Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your
    infomercial telling others how to do likewise.

14> AOL calls to tell you your ID has been changed to
    SammyTheWeasel.

13> Brakes seem squishy, accelerator's kinda stuck, and there's
    a half-eaten canolli in your ashtray.

12> Three days in a row, you've thrown the Don's newspaper
    underneath the lawn sprinkler.

11> Late payment notice for that $33.5 million loan pinned to
    horse's head in your golf cart.

10> When making fun of his hair, you didn't realize that "Don"
    is not Mr. King's name, it's his title.

 9> Much too late, you realize that your "Italian loafers" comment
    was misinterpreted.

 8> "I'm afraid you've TP'd Mr. Sinatra's estate for the last time,
    my friend."

 7> The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you toward the Nike
    "Concrete Jordans."

 6> Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.

 5> New Dominos delivery guy is in his mid-50's, and he's wearing
    a white suit with a black shirt.

 4> The Witness Protection Program finds you a nice flat in Sicily.

 3> The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.

 2> Not only have you received the "kiss of death," but also the
    "pat on the butt of death," the "hand on your knee of death,"
    and now the "genital fondle of death."

and the Number 1 Sign You're on a Mafia Hit List...

 1> The prostitute's head you found in your bed can only be the
    work of Tony "Hard of Hearing" Mancuso.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 06:50:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Comebacks and Twists <adult humor>

*   During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept
  disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another,
  including the host.
    This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly
  smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.
    It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the
  hostess looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.  "I'm sorry to
  rush off," she explained, "but I don't feel too well."
    "Of course, I understand my dear." was the hostess' rejoinder.
  "You must have a splitting backache."
                                - - - - -

* What is the difference between Heaven and Hell ?

  In heaven, the English are the police, the French are the cooks,
  the Italians are the lovers, the Swiss are the Administrators
  and the Germans are the mechanics.

  Whereas in Hell, the English are the cooks, the French are the
  Administrators, the Italians are the mechanics, the Swiss are the
  lovers and the Germans are the police.
                                - - - - -

*   The honeymooners at the resort were playing a ring toss game when
  they stopped, looked long and hard at each other, and headed back
  to the lodge.
    "Ah ha !" remarked a spectator.  "Quoitus interruptus."
                                - - - - -

*   A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an
  unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their
  building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
    Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls
  respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 06:05:37 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - More  5th & 6th grade science

                    SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL
                     5th and 6th graders

        The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on
the top, and you sit on the bottom.
        A census taker is a man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.
        A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and
then forcing it through an aviator.
        The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
        It is so hot in some places that people there have to live
in other places.
        Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
        Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look
like umbrellas.
        The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
        The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana
        Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
        Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun,
but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
        In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
        When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
        One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
        For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead.
        Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.
        A monsoon is a French gentleman.
        The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is
singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
        Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
        I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do
it, and that's the important thing.
        To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
        Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
        Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big
enough to be called a drop, it does.
        There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the
Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
        Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know
we know they are there.
        The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
        A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which
way it wants to go.
        There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet
to be discovered.
        The law of gravity says no fair jumping up with coming down.
        Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any
direction.
        You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to
getting his. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 11:03:50 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Topical humor (off???)

 I'm sure that all of you have heard of or been involved with the UPS
 strike here in the United States. Well...yesterday they were back at the
 negotiating table, but changed their entire strategy. They decided to
 merge with Fed Ex and call the company FED UPS!!!

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 11:45:33 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: oldie but goodie

                     THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to get a
cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took
her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge,
next to a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon had her
field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on the ground
potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out
his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short
circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!"

"Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum output
and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum
heat.  The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's
capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron. They
fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until Micro's bar
magnet had lost all of it's field strength.

Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid. But it
didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable
to excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing polarity, and
blowing each other's fuses.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 13:06:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS pt. 2 of 2

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
  imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me?  Or should I move up to incessant
  nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
  local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
  sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
  Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems?  Give me just a minute...I'll
  find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
  worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
  is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -
  blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can
  laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not
  home.

- When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like
  I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
  from them.

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 15:40:08 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Residency Day One <adult>

A young intern is being shown around the hospital where he will be doing
his tour of duty. The doctor who is giving the tour decides to show the
young upstart the "special" wing of the hospital where all of the bizarre
and odd ailments are treated. The two men enter the first room on the ward
and witness a man standing in the corner jacking-off like a crazed fool.

The intern stands there, jaw agape, and asks what ails this man.  The wise,
old doctor replies, "This man has a strange imbalance that causes him to
produce about ten times the normal amount of sperm and if he doesn't
relieve himself at least three times a day, it could result in very serious
testicular trauma."

The intern, still in shock, reluctantly shrugs it off and the two men move
on. Upon entering the second room, they witness a man laying on his bed,
spread-eagle, getting a blowjob from a beautiful young nurse. The intern
again asks what the hell is going on and the doctor replies simply, "Same
ailment, better health plan."

from C. Southwick

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 17:25:36 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: mildly sexual

Mrs. Rapoport and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at
the senior citizens high rise.
"So, Mrs Rapoport.  What's nu?"
"Vell" said Mrs. Rapoport, "Last night I vent out vith Mr. Stein, and he vas
such a gentleman.  Vhy, ven he came to the door to pick me up, he brought
roses.  Then ven ve vent out to eat, such a gentleman.  He ordered lobster
vith all the trimmings. Ven ve vent home, he held the door for me, but ven ve
got into mine house, he ripped off all my clothes, dragged me to the bedroom
and had his vay vith me.  Oy, yoi, yoi..."
"Oh, mine goodness!" said Mrs Stein.  "Why, I have a date with him tonight!
 What do you think I should do?"
"Vell, if I vere you, I vould vear old clothes............"

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Date:    Mon, 18 Aug 1997 17:11:17 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Jobs, Satan Announce Deal

"The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs told a
keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today.  "We have to let go of the notion
that for good to triumph, evil must perish."

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs
announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of
Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be
purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current market price.
"I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his control over these souls to
influence the direction we take in any way."  Furthermore, said Jobs, the
Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole
years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of
Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major
pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for at least the
next five years.  A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the
deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an
honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of
Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock lept 30 pieces of silver over
the previous day's high.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 Aug 1997 09:42:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd Time Again! <clean>

Compliments to:-Sanjay.Srivatsava

The Surd firing squad, stands in a circle.

Did you hear about the latest Surd invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.

Q. How do you sink a Surd battleship?
A. Put it in water.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Surd out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Two Surd hunters were driving through the country to go bear  hunting.
They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they
went home.

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in
Punjab? The Surd officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Surd Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea
when he died? Five Surd sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the tragedy in Punjab?
In Punjab's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power  outage.
People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

Did you hear about the Surd family that froze to death outside a theater?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Surd parachutes?
A: They open on impact.

Q: Did you hear about the Surd Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Why do Surd dogs have flat noses?     A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Punjab?     A: They forget the recipe.

Q: What happened to the Surd National Library?     A: Someone stole
the book.

A Surd was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally
subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You
mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers
increduously.

"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Surde. "I thought you were after
the 4000 Rupees in my shoe!"

Q: Why did the Surd couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies
   born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: What did the Surd mother say when her daughter announced that she
   was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Surd is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Aug 1997 to 19 Aug 1997
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