HUMOR Digest - 15 Aug 1997 to 16 Aug 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 801 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. School Daze <adult humor>
  2. Job Interviews--top 35 losers (fwd)
  3. Gen X Lingo
  4. HUMOR - More on baking
  5. George Carlin  Brain Droppings <Adult lang>
  6. Humor: How to sing the blues
  7. Humor-More Weird (but true) Reference questions
  8. Marital bliss (adult, offensive, sexual refs.)
  9. Hare Rasing Story
 10. Cows
 11. INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS pt. 1 of 2
 12. Nagging Wives
 13. George Carlin's Brain Droppings <Adult lang>
 14. mildly sexually offensive-specially if you are a woodpecker

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 02:31:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: School Daze <adult humor>

*   "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?"
  the shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first
  day of school.
    She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, can't
  rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
                                - - - - -

*   After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen
  stormed out of the room after the class was over.
    Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori,
  what in the world is the matter with you ?  You look as if you're
  about to kill someone."
    "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that
  Dennis.  All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay'
  involved tossing a coin for position."
                                - - - - -

*   A diamond-in-the-rough freshman from Texas on a scholarship to
  Harvard stopped a young man in a blazer and asked "Say, kin yew
  tell me whar thuh library is at ?"
    "Look here." said to soon-to-be Yuppie. "You may have been raised
  in a culturally deprived backwater, but this is Harvard.  We do not
  end a sentence in a preposition."
    "Awright then," drawled the Texan, "Kin yew tell me whar thuh
  library is at -- asshole ?"
                                - - - - -

* The young couple was experimenting with sex for the first time.
  The boy was getting frustrated.  He said "Maybe I'm not the world's
  leading expert on sex, but things might improve some if you'd just
  grind your ass instead of your teeth."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 07:37:32 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Job Interviews--top 35 losers (fwd)

From: Greg Meurer

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time
thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad.  Some job
applicants however go light years beyond this.  What follows is a survey of
top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked
for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.  What follows is an
unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."

 1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would
    prove that the company's management was incompetent.
 2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
 3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
 4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
 5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
 6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the
    same time.
 7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later
    wearing a hairpiece.
 8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
 9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive
    was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
    and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during
    the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president
    of finance..
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
    the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
    interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the
    police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing
    around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought
    of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he
    collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that
    the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out
    a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping
    longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
    briefcase.  He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to
    leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview.
    It was his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: 'which
    company?  When do I start?  What's the salary?'  I said, "I assume
    you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."  He
    promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more."  I didn't
    hire him, but later found out there was no job offer.  It was scam to
    get a higher offer.
26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that
    the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents
    spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and
    perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
    area.  He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would
    require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and
    dusted it on the foot and in the shoe.  While he was putting back on
    the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four
    times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment
    office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
    When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted
    my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions
    about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if
    he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to
    state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the
    police.  He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran.
    No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 08:28:21 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Gen X Lingo

Sent to me by my old college prof. Dr. Joe Schaefer

GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO

 Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.

 Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when
their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode.
Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions,
and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

 Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.

 Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and
so on, looking for references to one's own name.

 Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.

 Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea
generators running .

 Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch
potato.

 CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your  boss while
he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

 Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize you've just made a big mistake.

 SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage.

 Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out
and whiny .

 Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a
vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students
in the class; the rest were tourists."

 Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell
comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old
man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

 World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

 CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the
social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

 Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction
triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional
content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now
I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

 Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line
service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to
you.  AOL put me under mouse arrest."

 Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open.
A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings.
"Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the
second session?"

 Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication
available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The
dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

 Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a
computer that's processing something very slowly (while you
watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in
graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD
rendering."

 Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or
telecommute.

 Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite.
"Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the
bird?"

 Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing
information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I
know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us
a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker
slang that had more negative connotations.

 Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been
updated for a long time.  A dead web page.

 It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a
feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant
experience that you wish to gloss over.

 Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals
I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

 Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the
alpha geek around here."

 Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant
to the problems they were designed to solve.

 Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by
young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable
and established.

 Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

 Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to
reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands

 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web
error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested
document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him,
he's 404.

 Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity --
Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 07:33:46 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - More on baking

 Did I ever tell you about the most interesting day I had with Tim when he
 was 2? It was just a month before Susan was born. Joe took Randy to see his
 folks for the day.

 I baked a cake.  Tim was playing in bedroom with blocks.  I took the cake out
 of the oven to cool, then discovered Tim in the bathroom trying to wash a
 pillow case.  Further search found he'd used the p.c. trying to mop up ink he
 spilled on father's desk.  Stripped Tim, put all his clothes, pillow case
 (and pillow)  in washer.  Cleaned up desk.  Sent Tim out to ride tricycle in
 front of house. Put icing on cake.  Heard crying. Went out front and picked
 Tim up from mud next to sidewalk.  Cleaned off bike. Brought child indoors.
 Stripped him, cleaned him up, and went to do more laundry.  Went back into
 kitchen and found him sitting on top of the table, totally pasted with cake
 and frosting, having eaten the center out of the cake with his hands.
 Cleaned up child once more.  Repaired cake as best I could.  Took him
 outside again. Sat on porch steps to await father, who could not understand
 why I couldn't manage just one child for a day.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 09:44:07 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: George Carlin  Brain Droppings <Adult lang>

>From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin:

People Who Should Be Phased Out

* Guys who harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."

* People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making
  self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.

* Guys who wink when they're kidding.

* Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.

* Guys in their 50s who flash me the peace sign and really mean it.

* People with a patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look
interesting.

* Guys with creases in their jeans.

* Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour
  ago.

* Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night.

* Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live.

* Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow.

* Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.

* People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when
  someone is in their path.

* People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud
  of it.

* People who give their house of car a name.

* People who give thir genitals a name.

* Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.

* Actors who drive race cars.

* Men who wear loafers without socks.  Especially if they have creases in
  their jeans.

*  Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.

* Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon.

* Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists.

* Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame.

* Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign.  Especially if they're winking and
  making the peace sign with the other hand.


Copyright 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 10:05:18 EDT
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: How to sing the blues

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
   stick something nasty in the next line.

     I got a good woman--
     with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
   Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

     Got a good woman
     with the meanest dog in town.
     He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
     and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
   transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
   a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
   adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
   a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
   Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago,
   St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
        a. violet
        b. beige
        c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
   lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
     a. the highway
     b. the jailhouse
     c. the empty bed

    Bad places for the Blues
     a. Ashrams
     b. Gallery openings
     c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
    unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

     Yes, if:
     a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
     b. you're blind
     c. you shot a man in Memphis.
     d. you can't be satisfied.

     No, if:
     a. you were once blind but now can see.
     b. you're deaf
     c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
    Other blues beverages are:
     a. wine
     b. Irish whiskey
     c. muddy water
     d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer

    Blues beverages are NOT:
     a. Any mixed drink
     b. Any wine kosher for Passover
     c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
    the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
    emergency room.

It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 07:12:38 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-More Weird (but true) Reference questions

       Weird (But True) Reference Questions,
                     or,
     Close Encounters of the Referential Kind
               [public edition]

Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by
American and Canadian library reference desk workers
of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"
			=====

   Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last
week but I forgot to write down the author and title.
It's big and red and I found it on the top shelf.
Can you find it for me?"
   Mental answer: "Books classified by color are
shelved downstairs in the [non-existent] third
sub-basement."
   Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you
found the book the first time?"
			=====

   Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
   Reference person getting her audible and mental
   answers mixed up: "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have
   75,000 books, and they're all duds."
			=====

Telephone patron:  Do you have books on leaves?
  Library worker:  Nope, we keep them on shelves.
			=====

  Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
     Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
  Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have
          a life size one?"
     Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use
                                 right now!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 08:37:45 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Marital bliss (adult, offensive, sexual refs.)

[Thanks to ashalkow@uwimona.edu.jm]

Wife:  Honey, I just had a dream.
Husband:  Yeah? About what?
Wife:  Well, I was at a fair and they were selling dicks.
Husband: (Awake now) Really!
Wife:  Yes, the ones this long (wrist long) were $2000.00 and
       those this long (elbow long) were $2500.00.
Husband:  What price was mine?
Wife:  It went for free.

A few nights later...

Husband:  Darling, I had a dream.
Wife:  Umm
Husband:  I was at a fair and they were selling pussy.
Wife:  Umm...What?
Husband:  Yes, the ones this (0) tight were $2000.00 and the ones
       this (.) tight were $2500.00.
Wife:  How much was mine?
Husband:  That's where they held the fair.

[Translated into English]
-------------
A hard working wife not getting any money from her mean husband decided
that she had enough, so she confronted him one Friday afternoon when he
had a wad of notes in his hand.
W.  Listen, I need money for the running of the house.
H.  (Taking her by the hand he led her to their mirror, held up the
    notes and said): This is mine and that (the reflection) is
    yours.

Some weeks later, the husband came home one night and saw the fridge
filled with groceries and meats of all sort.  Waking his wife he said,
"Where did you get this from?"
Leading him to the mirror she squatted with legs apart and, pointing to her
open crotch, said, "This belongs to the butcher; that (pointing to the
mirror) is yours.
--------------
After two fat persons finished making love, the woman turned over and said,
"Thanks for the tip."
--------------
Thought for the day: There is only one profession in which you work from
the top going down: digging.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 10:07:43 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Hare Rasing Story

  A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across
the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over
to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

  Much to his dismay, it was dead.  The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong.

  "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."

  The woman told the man not to worry.  She knew what to do.  She went to
her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over to the limp,
dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

  Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road.  50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned
around and again waved at the two humans.

  The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can!  He ran over to her and demanded, "What was in
your spray can?  What did you spray on that rabbit?"

  The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said:
"Acme Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 11:06:58 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Cows

Once God decided all people should look the same so there's no
difference and discrimination among them. He also was quite pissed at
them and so he turned all humans into cows. The cows were all of the
same color and you couldn't tell one from another.

So one day a cow walks to another and says, "Mooooo."

The other replies, "Moooo, motherfucker!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 12:04:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS pt. 1 of 2

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
  Sociopath

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
  of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
  someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.  Unless, of
  course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
  others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even
  more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
  personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
  self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
  complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
  me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not
  nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself.  The second, to do
  nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
  disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 17:24:04 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Nagging Wives

  Exasperated wife to husband: "You just seem to
  take delight in spoiling other folk's holidays.
  Last year you fell into the duckpond and ruined
  our day, and now the first thing you do is go
  and get stung by a hornet."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 20:29:32 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: George Carlin's Brain Droppings <Adult lang>

>From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin:

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in
the concrete.  It's so fuckin' heroic.

Opposite-Same-Opposite

Sometimes the same words mean opposite things.  Sometimes the opposite is
true.  Shock absorbers are called shocks.  Slow down and slow up are
interchangeable.  Bad taste is tasteless.  Sports fans say "turf" when they
mean artificial turf.  Something invaluable is very valuable.  I'll bet you
could care less.  Or maybe you couldn't care less.  Same difference.  By the
way, is it " from here on in" or "from here on out"?


Expressions I Question

"In the privacy of your own home."  As opposed to what?  The privacy of
someone else's home?  You have no privacy in someone else's home; that's why
you got your own home.

"Down the pike."  "He was themeanest guy ever to come down the pike."  Fine.
 What about guys who come UP the pike?  Now everyone lives "north of the
pike."  Some guys have to come up the pike, and they're really mean, because
nobody mentions them at all.  And what about a guy who doesn't even use the
pike?  He arrives on Amtrak!  "Boy, he was the meanest guy ever to arrive on
Amtrak."  Doesn't sound right.

"Open a can of worms."  Why would you have to open it?  Are there really
sealed cans of worms?  Who sealed them?  Worms are usually put in a can after
it has been opened, and emptied of something else, like corn or pumpkin meat.
 Uncover a can of worms, maybe.  But not open.

Why do we say "out like a light?"  The primary function of a light is to be
lit, not to be out.  Why choose a light to represent the concept of being
out?  Why not, "On like a light?"  The same is true of "Dropping like flies;"
the wrong quality is being emphasized.  Flies are known for flying, not
dropping.  And let's forget "Meteoric rise."  Meteors don't rise, they fall.

Copyright 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Aug 1997 21:32:20 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: mildly sexually offensive-specially if you are a woodpecker

Sam, a Californian woodpecker, was visiting his cousin, Woody, a Minnesota
woodpecker, in Itasca State Park, the headwaters of the Mississippi River.
 Sam started to complain to Woody, "You know, these trees in Minnesota are
tiny.  Why, you should come to California.  We have trees so big, you can
drive your car through them!"
"Well, maybe I should," declared Woody.  "I'll come up in the winter when it
is too cold in Minnesota to fool around."
So, in December, Woody flew to Northern California, and Sam took him to Muir
Woods, where true to his word, the trees were huge.  Some of the trees were
over 2000 years old!
Woody picked the largest tree he could find to work on, but all of the sudden
a huge storm threatened the park, and as Woody worked on his tree, lightning
struck and split the tree in two.  Woody shook his head in surprise.  "It is
always amazing how strong my pecker gets on my vacation!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Aug 1997 to 16 Aug 1997
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