HUMOR Digest - 14 Aug 1997 to 15 Aug 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 927 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Various (adult themes)
  2. Surgeons
  3. The movie that was not made
  4. Private Investigation <adult theme>
  5. Vintage Brit Humor
  6. New English Words #2 <clean>
  7. HUMOR: Ballerina Dance
  8. Poem (adult content)
  9. MIR spacestation update
 10. Didja hear--farm jokes  <groaners but inoff>
 11. George Carlin's Brain Droppings...<Adult lang>
 12. Off the Wire
 13. An Honest Resume (non offensive)
 14. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
 15. Parody of German tabloid journalism
 16. Male Answer Syndrome
 17. Top5 - 8/15/97 - New Movies Starring Christian Slater

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 09:21:24 +0200
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Various (adult themes)

Here are a few jokes, ain't know the exact source
but sent to me by a friend of mine. Thanks Sarathy.
		----------------------
A man comes home to find his wife admiring herself naked in the
 mirror. "Do you know what the doctor told me today?" she asks.
"He said I had the most perfectly formed woman's body he's ever seen.
"Did he say anything about that big fat ass of yours?" ask the man.
"No, your name didn't even come up."
			*************

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his
testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he
tells  her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother,
who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're
 hanging on?"
			*************

A woman tell her husband that she dreamed they were having an
auction of pricks. Big ones were ten dollars, little ones were fifty
cents.
"And how much did they get for ones like mine?" asks the husband.
"Oh, those they gave away for nothing."
"I had a dream too." he rejoins; "I dreamt they were auctioning
cunts. Big ones were ten dollars.Little ones were a hundreddollars."
"And how much did they get for ones like mine?"
"That's where they held the auction!"
			*************

Once there were three turtles.  One day they decided to go on a
picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't
eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month,
finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh,come on, let's eat the
sandwiches."  Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock
and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
			*************

A father sees his 4 year old son make a mess while taking a pee and
decides to teach him the right way to pee. He calls his son aside
and says, "Son, follow these steps when you go to the toilet.

1) Open your zip.
2) Pull your tool out.
3) Pull back the foreskin.
4) Pee.
5) Push the skin back.
6) Zip up your pants."

The next day, father goes near the toilet, and hears his son
following the six steps, "one, two, three, four, five, six".
Eleven years later, the father, wondering if his son still is
following the six steps goes near the toilet. He hears his son saying
"one, two, three, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, three,
five, ...., three, five, three, aaahhhhh!!!, four, five, six".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 04:46:53 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Surgeons

* Have to have some minor surgery done, but don't y'all worry.  My
  surgeon is one of the best.  So far this year, he's done 240 major
  operations, and he hasn't nicked himself even once.
                                - - - - -

* Next time you're laying on the operating table though, think about
  this.  The surgeon who is about to cut you is the same klutz who
  probably missed that three inch putt on the golf course this morning.
                                - - - - -

* I don't know though, it's getting so I hate to have any surgery
  done at all.  Since I've past 50, the doctor gives me itemized bills
  that show so much for labor and so much for parts.
                                - - - - -

* He's easy to work with though.  I mean last year I didn't have enuff
  to pay him to remove my tonsils.  So, he just loosened them a little.
  What a guy, huh ?  Who sez surgeons are heartless ?
                                - - - - -

* How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb ?

  None:
  I mean if you had trouble with the bulb in the first place, it could be
  the socket, it'll probably only cause you problems in the future,
  so they'll remove that.
                                - - - - -

* But this surgeon I have is doing so well, he can occasionally tell a
  patient that there's nothing wrong.
                                - - - - -

* It's odd though the way terms change in the different professions. I
  mean if your surgeon wants assistance, he calls it a "consultation".
  In the legal profession, that's known as an "accomplice."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 09:37:36 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: The movie that was not made

The listowner has approved submission of this message even though it is
larger than the size limit. It contains some words in Hindi to reflect
the correct flavor and if you need any translations, send me an email.
				=====
  With due apologies to Mahatma Gandhi .......


  After the grand failure of epic film 'Gandhi' at the box office,
  Richard   Attenborough appointed a commitee of renowned and
  succesful  Bollywood producers & directors. The commitee members
  included :
  1. K.C.Bokadia
  2. Subhash Ghai
  3. Dada kondke
  4. Ramanand Sagar
  5. Manmohan Desai
  7. Kadar Khan


  It was decided that name of the film 'Gandhi' was not colourful.
  The following names were suggested :

  Alternative names for film 'Gandhi'
   -------------------------------

  1.  Laathi Bani Jwaala
  2.  Charkha Gaye Geet Sunaye
  3.  Kasturba & Mohan in South Africa
  4.  Khadi Rang Layegi
  5.  Gandhi Ki Aandhi
  6.  DhotiPremi
  7.  Khaana Chhod Dunga
  8.  Ujda Chaman
  9.  Muurdon ka mela , Jaliawala
  10. Saabarmati ka Dulaara
  11. Aatma aur Mahaatma


  It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that
  bollywood 'fizz'.  Following dialogues were suggested :


  1. (Situation : First scene of the movie where Nathuram Godse
  fires bullets  in Gandhi's chest)

  Godse: isi din ka muze bachpan se intajaar tha kamine, ab bachke
  kahan jayega ?

  Gandhi : ye lo tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun. himmat hai
  to chala  goli. are aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo gandhi ka
  seena paar  kare.

  Godse fires...Gandhi dies on the spot.

  Godse : Maa, maine tumhe diya huva vachan nibhaya hai. Ab
  tumhari aatma ko shanti  milegi.


  2. (Situation : Gandhi is teaching Meeraben to weave on
  charkha... and lots  more!!!! Whoever said that MKG was a simple
  man!!)
  Gandhi : Aao Meera, mere karib aao

  Meeraben : Hato ji. Muze sharm aati hai.

  Gandhi : Are pagli. Aazadi ke kaam me kaisi haya sharm ? Ye
  dekho, aise is dhaage ko charkhepe chadhao.

  Meeraben (blushes) : tum bataao naa....


  Gandhi (takes her hand in his hand) : aaah.... kitna narm hath hai
  tumhara...
  Meeraben : Chhodo ji, koi dekh lega


  3. (Situation : Gandhi is being thrown out of train in South
  Africa because  he is black)

  Gandhi : Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan ? suna tha bhagwan ke ghar
  der hai,  andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan...
  (His baggage gets thrown out of the train behind him. His
  mother's photo is  smashed to pieces.

  Gandhi looks at the photo, slowly his  eyes turn red... his voice
  quivers...)   Gandhi : Yaad rakhna kutto, ek din isi gao me aakar
  subko dekh  lunga, chun  chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....


  4. (Situation : Kasturba is on death bed, gandhi is sitting besides
  her)
  Kasturba : Ek vachan do muze, tum doosri shadi karoge.

  Gandhi : Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga
  main ?
  Kasturba : Muze kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo muzse. Tabhi
  chainse  marungi main.

  Gandhi (tries to smile) are pagli, is umar me bhala muzse shadi
  kaun karega ?
  Kasturba (laughs naughtily) : bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal
  hota to us  Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote tum...

  Gandhi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a
  dangerous turn...) : Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana
  kiya hai...

  The commitee suggested that songless and danceless movie will
  never sell.  Following dance sequences were suggested....

  1. A Caberet number by Silk Smitha. This will be shown to depict
  the lavish  lifestyle of the british. It could be shown that the
  dancer  later joins freedom struggle.

  2. A Choli dance sequence (pref. by Madhuri Dixit or Kimi
  Katkar). The  situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati
  Ashram). The  Choli must be hand-woven and therefore, very
  skimpy. Now,  this situation very naturally leads to rape of the
  lead dancer  by General Dyer (the man who ordered Jaliawala
  Killing). This  will definitely prove his villanish character.

  3. A dream sequence of Gandhi & Meeraben is desparately needed.
  The lyrics could be  "Main meera tu Mohan........"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 13:48:25 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert <MMT@HK.MOBILE.TELIA.SE>
Subject: Private Investigation <adult theme>

A wealthy chinaman suspected his wife of being unfaithful to him and
hired a prominent chinese detective to watch his wife; the following
is his report: DETECTIVE'S REPORT

You leave house
I watch house
Man come to house
Man ring door bell
Wife open door
Man go in house
Man and your wife leave house
They go railroad station
I go railroad station
They go on train
I go on train
They get off train
I get off train
They go to hotel
I go to hotel
They go inside
I no go inside
I climb tree outside window
He undress she
She undress he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
I fall out of tree
I no see

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 08:33:19 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Vintage Brit Humor

     On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
     Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
     are too stuffy.  You set yourselves apart too much.  Look at me...in
     me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and
     some Swedish blood.

     What do you say to that?"

     The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother!"


     from Christian Southwick

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 08:19:31 EDT
From:    Margaret Joels <jokey.smurf@JUNO.COM>
Subject: New English Words #2 <clean>

            The Best of the DWORD Mailing List - Part 2

 1. Tetracycline: The monthly replenishing of the tropical fish in
    your aquarium.

 2. Global Warming: Face down, bottomless sunbathing.

 3. Catastrophobia: The irrational fear that a black cat crossing
    your path will lead to bad luck.

 4. Mcmxlogist: An expert translator of Roman numerals.

 5. Chocological Counseling: A self-administered therapy with
    chocolate rather than psychological counseling for the need of
    more pleasurable experiences.

 6. Comrads: Those who glow in the dark together.

 7. Lactocrust: The layer of brownish skin-like film on the bottom
    of a sauce pan of burnt milk.

 8. Antietymopathy: A diseased state of insurance, medical,
    political and the military bureaucracies characterized by
    giving contradictory names to certain conditions. E.g: life
    insurance for death insurance, health care for illness care,
    defense for offense, save for spend, credit for debt, etc.

 9. @dress: A garment worn by some people when emailing at home.

10. Almostcent: The nine-tenths of a penny that all gas stations
    tack on the end of their per gallon price.


Posted w/ permission of the owner of the DWORD mailing list

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 08:37:13 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR: Ballerina Dance

A woman is sitting in a bar, wearing jeans and a tube top.  She has
never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has
a thick black bush under each arm.

Just about every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender
for another drink.  This goes on all night, and everyone in the bar notices
her hairy armpits every time she raises her arm.

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says blearily to
the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".

The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina.
What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk responds indignantly, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS
to be a ballerina!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 08:58:03 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poem (adult content)

Here's to the girl that I kissed last,
She don't kiss slow, she don't kiss fast.
She kisses so gentle and so sweet,
She makes things stand that don't have feet!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 09:20:40 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: MIR spacestation update

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited
about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than
has ever been known about the scientific relationship between
weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty
wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel
Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning
about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly
terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25
collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last
week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the
periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All
have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian
mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the
hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns
created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov
said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not
expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC
News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut
Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government
and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3
a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will
flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake.
Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open
weeping, defecation and hair loss.


http://megahertz.njit.edu/~dzt8474/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 11:00:37 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Didja hear--farm jokes  <groaners but inoff>

Didja hear . . .

. . . about the farmer who fed his cattle nothing but corn?  That way, when
he slaughtered them, he'd have corned beef.

. . . about the farmer who wouldn't plant any green vegetables?  He didn't
carrot all for them.

. . . about the farmer whose sheep gave prize-winning wool?  He was so proud,
he wanted to keep the best of the shearing for posterity, so he had it
lamb-inated.

. . . about the farmer who would only date his girlfriend, Kay, during
daylight hours?  He believed you should make Kay while the sun shines.

. . . about the farmer who wanted to get the attention of a certain young
lady, so he bought her a piece of farm machinery?  He thought it would
a-tractor.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 11:36:47 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: George Carlin's Brain Droppings...<Adult lang>

>From the George Carlin Book "Brain Droppings"

"Its neither here nor there."  Well, folks, its gotta be somewhere.  I
certaily don't have it.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners?  Why would
you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself?  Does it spoil the
fun?  I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day
before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose.  They rushed him to a
hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
 Apparently, just to piss him off.

I'm sixty, and I don't need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles.
 They say, "Well, someone with children might come and ivsit you."  Fuck 'em!
 Let 'em take their chances.  Anyone who visits me is accepting a certain
level of risk in the first place.

What clinic did Betty Ford go to?

I'd like to live in a country where the official motto was, "You never know."
 It would help me relax.

"Blow your nose" is an interesting phrase.  Because you don't really *blow*
your nose, you blow out through your nose.  If you blew your nose, I think
they'd put you away.  You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he
would have to be a really close friend.  Or completely drunk.

Grown-ups have great power.  They can order candy on credit over the
telephone and have it delivered.  Wow.

It has become very easy to buy a gun.  It used to be, "I have a gun, give me
some money."  Now it's, "I have money, give me a gun."

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns.
 Well, shit, those are precisely the people who need them.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough
money not to quit.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Life is a near-death experience.

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general.  They should be more to
the point:  "People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung."
 And "Warning!  Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

The status quo always sucks.


Copyright 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 08:58:47 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Off the Wire

OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up

Guests toasted the health of the bride and groom at a wedding in
Chongqing, China, with heroin instead of champagne, a Hong King
newspaper said.  The celebration came to an abrupt halt when police
burst in and arrested the coupe.

Two suspected drug dealers made it easy for Corvallis, Ore., police to
find them.  They checked into a motel under a real name and left behind
a pager, a bag of methamphetamine and a customer list -- complete with
money paid and money owed.

A Berrien County, Mich., judge resigned hours after a newspaper obtained
records showing he had dialed phone sex services 124 times from his
courthouse phone.

A Florida man was charged in a series of bank robberies Monday that
police said enabled him to make court-ordered restitution payments due
the next day.

A Lynwood, Calif., apartment dweller who figured eight "bug bombs" were
better than one sparked a big blast that blew out all his windows and
damaged the 20-unit building.

A New York glazier and one of his employees were indicted for smashing
store-front windows to drum up business.

A 320-pound Brazilian man sued a dentist who refused to treat him
because he was too fat.  The dentist said he was worried his chair might
break.

A Colombian grandmother in a wheelchair was arrested after police found
1.5 pounds of high-grade heroin strapped to her body and hidden inside
disposable incontinence pads.

About 700 children were removed from two Grand Forks, N.D., schools
after officials found black, slimy fungus mold in flood-damaged air
tunnels and crawl spaces.

Cuban-American passengers went ballistic when American Airlines, as a
publicity stunt, used a Fidel Castro look-alike to help inaugurate
Austin-to-Miami service.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, Saturday, June 21, 1997

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 15:40:54 -0400
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: An Honest Resume (non offensive)

AN HONEST RESUME'

As Randy was working on re-spinning his resume' this past week, he
realized that we're never quite truthful on resume's and job
applications.  We try to make ourselves look as good as possible,
usually better than we really are.  So today, Randy thought he'd
fill out a job application the way he wants to rather than the
way he should .....

NAME:  Randy Allen

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever's
available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yup.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collections of hubcaps and beer
bottles.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?  Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be
a winner in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with a
fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 16:15:19 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

           Hired killers got greedy, botched the job, police say

 By KEVIN MORAN Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 HITCHCOCK -- It was supposed to be a hired killing, disguised as a robbery.
That's the scenario police describe, at least. And they say it might have
worked except for one problem: The people who were given the job got so
enthusiastic about the robbery part of it that they forgot to keep an eye
on the intended murder victim.

 That little lapse gave Lorita Ann Nellums time to bolt out of her house in
this Galveston County town and call for help, unraveling a plot that police
say was hatched by her ex-husband. Jimmy Durant Nellums, a highly regarded
schoolteacher and coach, could face life in prison if convicted of hiring
the people who barged into his ex-wife's home, held her at gunpoint and
ransacked the house.

 Nellums, 40, was arrested late Tuesday in Brownsville, where he was about
to begin his new job as boys' basketball coach at Porter High School. He
was returned to Hitchcock and remains in the Galveston County Jail in lieu
of $90,000 in bonds, charged with engaging in organized criminal activity,
aggravated robbery and solicitation to commit aggravated robbery.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 19:44:41 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Parody of German tabloid journalism

Christopher Buckley (New Yorker, 18 August 97, p. 80) has a wonderful
spoof of tabloid journalism using the World War II era personalities
as the victims of incredible reports and Germans are cited as the
source for each story. The inspiration for the essay came from this
London Times (14 July 1997) article:

"The American band leader, Glenn Miller, did not die in a plane crash
over the Channel in 1944 but in a French brothel, according to an
investigative journalist in Germany."

One might make the point that the London Times isn't a tabloid, which
is true. But remember it is own by a fellow named Murdock.

Buckley cites reports saying that General Patton didn't die in a jeep
wreck, but of syphilis; Gen. Eisenhower didn't die of natural causes
but of sexual asphyxia at his Gettysburg farm; Bob Hope died of a
heart attack while chasing French nuns in a convent in 1945 (the
fellow who we know today as Bob Hope is a imposter); Amelia Earhart's
plane didn't crash, she was shot down by U.S. Navy ship whose captain
was insaley jealous of Ms. Earhart's infatuation with Adolf; Gen.
Omar Bradley didn't die of cardiac arrest in 1981, but while snorting
cocaine off the breasts of a Las Vegas showgirl at Caesars Palace;
Franklin Roosevelt was German on his mother's side; and Hilter did
not start World War II, it was the Poles who got hysterical when
they observed the German doing a little tank maneuvers.

He example from Buckley essay:

Dusseldorf--General George Patton did not die in a jeep accident in
1945 but of venereal disease in a U.S. military sanatorium. "Ja, it's
all in my new book," comments journalist Rolf Meinhoff. "The American
High Command thought it would be discouraging to the American public
to learn that their so-called hero was in fact a tertiary-phase
syphilitic. When he defeated Rommel in North Africa, that was in the
first phase. When he helped win the Battle of the Bulge, that was in
the second, Finally, they decided, 'We'd better get him out of here
before he starts foaming at the mouth.' That's when they came up with
the idea of the jeep accident. See?"

By the way I heard Patton caught syphilitis while supervising
maneuvers in a Phenix City, Alabama, whorehouse.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 19:19:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Male Answer Syndrome

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display
behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males.
They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try
to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this
is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the
guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's
haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more
common among humans than had been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:
* Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the
  mentality of the Japanese?
* Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing
  with the national debt?
* Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to
  achieve peace in the Middle East?
* Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at
  NASA?
* Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really
  want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing
up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks
political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's
interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will
come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but
something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer
varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't
know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do
I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say
interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less
as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to
expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of
jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are
the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear,
"So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why
did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug
helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A
man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the
same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and
inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend
Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice
cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the
same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline
repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the
laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even
if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to
his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such
conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually
know what they're talking about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as
diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality,
however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little
knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not
knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered
Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a
vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a
ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the
female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who
behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be
found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority
on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow
facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and
attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts
open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men
prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about
football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all
male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken.
Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something
particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is
particularly untrue.

---
People say I have a bad attitude. Who cares!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 23:02:30 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/15/97 - New Movies Starring Christian Slater

                        August 15, 1997

        The Top 15 New Movies Starring Christian Slater

15> "Biting Raoul"

14> "Dentl"

13> "Alien IV: Going Back In"

12> "Belly Jack"

11> "Breakfast at Tiffany's Spleen"

10> "Edward Scissorteeth"

 9> "Untasted Heart"

 8> "Young Gums"

 7> "The Three Mouthketeers" (with Marv Albert and Mike Tyson)

 6> "Broken Arrow Shirt"

 5> "My Dinner of Andre"

 4> "The Story of a Man Who Went, Without Surgery, From An Being
    an Outie to an Innie"

 3> "Who's That Eating Gilbert Grape?"

 2> "Stomach Pump Up the Volume"

    and the Number 1 New Movie Starring Christian Slater...

 1> "The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and a Guy Who Bites People"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Aug 1997 to 15 Aug 1997
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