HUMOR Digest - 13 Aug 1997 to 14 Aug 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 239 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. US Imports
  2. Hickphonics (off. to rednecks and/or southeners)
  3. Humor-Wells Fargo
  4. On Health Issues:Ogling!!!<adult>

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Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 03:59:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: US Imports

* I hear President Clinton just worked out a trade agreement with
  the Russians.  We're sending them fifty thousand cars, and they're
  sending us a hundred and fifty thousand unused parking spaces.
                                - - - - -

* There's a new French perfume about to be imported into the US.  It
  is so powerful and alluring that it has a warning label not to use
  it if you're just fooling around.
                                - - - - -

*   My neighbor bought an expensive South American parrot.  I stood in
  front of the cage and said "Good Evening" in an attempt to get him
  to say it.
    The parrot answered "No hablo Ingles."
    Now when I go over there, the bird teaches me Spanish.
                                - - - - -

* I suspect age is creeping up on me.  I had some Mexican beer made
  with their local spring water.  Now, I got a bad case of the "walks".
                                - - - - -

*   A woman is losing her hair and goes to the doctor.  He sez there's
  a brand new male hormone from Australia available that works, but
  not approved for use in the US.
    She arranges for a delivery from a friend she met on the Internet.
  Two weeks later, the friend in Oz asks how it's working.
    "Great so far." she replied "But it makes my testicles itch."
                                - - - - -

* The FDA is warning Americans not to order "Mafia Acupuncture Kits"
  from Italy -- seems they're ice picks.
                                - - - - -

* Politics is sometimes reflected in imports.  In light of the recent
  scandal over the Swiss banks' relations with the Germans during
  World War Two, I understand all their latest cuckoo clocks have a bird
  that comes out and shrugs.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 11:27:45 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hickphonics (off. to rednecks and/or southeners)

 The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by
 labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to
 pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington
 by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be
 taught in all Southern schools.

 A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are
 excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

 HEIDI    - noun.  Greeting.

 HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
            Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

 BARD     - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
            Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

 JAWJUH   - noun.  The State north of Florida.  Capitol is Lanner.
            Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

 BAMMER   - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
            Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left
                $20,000,000 in improvements."

 MUNTS    - noun. A calendar division.
            Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
                ain't herd from him in munts."

 THANK    - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
            Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 BARE     - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
            Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 IGNERT   - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
            Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

 RANCH    - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
            Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
                    truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

 ALL      - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
            Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
                    pickup truck."

 FAR      - noun.  A conflagration.
            Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my
                    pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

 TAR      - noun.  A rubber wheel.
            Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git
                    a flat tar in my pickup truck."

 TIRE     - noun.  A tall monument.
            Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope
                    to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

 RETARD   - Verb.  To stop working.
            Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

 FAT      - noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.    2. to engage in battle
                            or combat.
            Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm  gonna whup y'uh."

 RATS     - noun.  Entitled power or privilege.
            Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

 FARN     - adjective.  Not local.
            Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from
                    some farn country."

 DID      - adjective.  Not alive.
            Usage: "He's did, Jim."

 EAR      - noun.  A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
            Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

 BOB WAR  - noun.  A sharp, twisted cable.
            Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

 JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
            Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with
                    that bob war fence cump'ny?"

 HAZE     - a contraction.
            Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked
                    but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

 SEED     - verb, past tense of "to see".

 VIEW    - contraction: verb and pronoun.
           Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

 GUMMIT   - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
            Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

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Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 17:41:49 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor-Wells Fargo

   Before there were airplanes and before there were trains, the great
 Western frontier was opened by hearty souls whose primary means of
 transportation was the horse. Those who could afford longer journeys often
 took the stagecoach. The main problem with traveling by stage was that where
 there were any roads at all, the stage was always getting bogged down, stuck
 in deep ruts, mud, or ground too soft to support the weight of animal, coach,
 cargo, and human.
   A recent find in the basement-vault archives of the San Francisco based
 Wells Fargo Company has uncovered the extensive efforts on the part of this
 venerable old Western firm to document the problems of their stagecoach line.
 Evidently, Wells Fargo used this information to design safer and faster
 routes. A company always ahead of its time and its competitors, it also kept
 customers happy by crediting their inconvenienced passengers with free travel
 vouchers as compensation for delays along the troublesome routes. The dusty,
 heavy, leather-bound volumes found in the valt each have the following title
 hand-tooled on the cover:

         Wells Fargo Company, Ltd.
         Road & Highway Investigations
         Frequent Mire Files

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Date:    Thu, 14 Aug 1997 09:19:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Health Issues:Ogling!!!<adult>

 Great news for girl watchers: Ogling women's breasts is
 good for a man's health and can add years to his life,
 medical experts have discovered.

 "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed
 female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to
 a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr.
 Franz Epping.

 Dr. Epping and fellow researchers at three hospitals in
 Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after
 comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom
 were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other
 half told to refrain from doing so.

 The study revealed that after five years, the
 chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting
 pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery
 disease.

 "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves
 blood circulation," explains Dr. Epping. "There's no
 question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our
 study indicates that engaging in this activity a few
 minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in
 half."

 Dr. Epping suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at
 least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or
 greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the
 average man can extend his life four to five years."

 Dr. Epping says he would advise U.S. males to watch
 "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison
 movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often
 as possible.

 The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose
 headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health
 effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly
 Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi
 Moore.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Aug 1997 to 14 Aug 1997
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