HUMOR Digest - 12 Aug 1997 to 13 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 347 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Baltimore Maryland - One Tuff Town !
  2. Pope Joke (off to Pope fan's)
  3. Assorted Laffs (not too off.)
  4. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
  5. 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
  6. Country Humor  [not offensive]
  7. Assicons (of questionable taste)
  8. Sexual Problems? <adult>
  9. Rabbit
 10. Practical joke: Target Groom

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Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 03:54:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Baltimore Maryland - One Tuff Town !

You think your town is tuff.  HA !  Baltimore Maryland has:

* hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register

* ice-cream trucks that play "taps"

* gun shops that have "Back to School" sales

* high school newspapers with obituary columns

* restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb

* school songs w/o music; the accompaniment is Police sirens

* nite clubs that frisk ya & if ya don't have a gun, they lend you one

* chapters of Jehovah's Alibiers

* confessionals with bouncers

* bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand

* schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer

* Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys

* advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw

* a 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list

* "honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"

* Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man

* hit men with concrete on their breath


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 08:20:41 PDT
From:    Huge Cojones <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Pope Joke (off to Pope fan's)

The Pope is leaving  communion when he is accosted by a gangster.
"Eh, Pope", says the gangster,"our boss Luigi, he just die, but before
he-a die he make a blood oath that-a you must sleep with a woman."
"I cant do that my son." says the Pope
"If-a you dont I have orders to kill you." says the gangster.
"Well i suppose that leaves me no choice", replies the Pope, "but I
must insist on 3 conditions. Firstly she must be blind so that she
cannot see that she sleeps with the Pope. Secondly she must be deaf so
that no-one can tell her she has slept with the Pope."
"Is-a no problem", replies the gangster,"but what is-a the third
condition?"
"Ah yes",says the Pope, "she must have great big tits!"

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Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 13:38:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Laffs (not too off.)

 A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and flea arms and was soaking up
 the rays of the May sun in Miami Beach when an old flea buddy walked by
 and said: "Oscar, what happened to you. You look terrible with that runny
 nose, red eyes and chattering teeth." I got a ride down in some biker's
 moustache and nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar. Let me give you a
 tip old pal", said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the
 airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on
 for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

 A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again
 looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Idid everything that you
 had said", Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a
 perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
 "And so?" asked the first flea.
 "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
		=================================

              An Indian tourist named Tonto
              Bought sex from a whore in Toronto.
              He returned to the wild
              Disappointed and riled....
              In Toronto poor Tonto cam pronto!
	      =================================

              When a horny conductor named Storrs
              Had removed the girl oboist's drawers,
              He exclaimed climbing on,
              "I've a private baton
              That I use for non-musical scores!"
	      =================================

 "I got married", said the first tavern regular, "so that i could have sex
 3, 4 or 5 times a week." "That's very ironic", said the second regular.
 "That's exactly why I got divorced."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 14:13:55 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

                         `I just robbed a bank'

 A woman who allegedly robbed a southeast Houston bank was arrested shortly
afterward Monday for speeding.

 Houston police Officer Joe Aldaco stopped Kerri V. Goode, 34, of Missouri
City about 11:45 a.m. on the North Loop near Homestead for driving 73 mph
in a 60-mph zone.

 While asking Goode for her driver's license, Aldaco noticed a bank
envelope with a large amount of cash on the front seat and asked her about
it.

 "It's mine," Goode allegedly said. "I just robbed a bank."

 Goode was arrested after Aldaco confirmed Texas Commerce Bank at Gulfgate
Mall had been robbed 30 minutes earlier and witnesses identified her.

 Source: Houston Chronicle (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 15:31:37 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

   1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
     "May I borrow a highlighter?"

   2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

   3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
      a bodily function noise.

   4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

   5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!  My glass eye!"

   6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

   7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
      cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
      Sigh relaxingly.

   8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

   9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

   10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically
       under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!
       Easy boy!"

   11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

   12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
       toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your
       neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over
       here please?"

   13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."

   14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your
       hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while
       you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
       profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

   15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

   16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now
       what am I gonna do?"

   17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
       cheeks.

   18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
      "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
       adjacent stall.

   19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
       can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

   20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
       "Born Free".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 16:23:14 EDT
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: Country Humor  [not offensive]

   I went for a drive today in the country, and passed a camouflage
store.  But you couldn't see it.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 16:34:59 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Assicons (of questionable taste)

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"  where :)
means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are  represented by :-) and
:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"?

(_!_)        a regular ass

(__!__)      a fat ass

(!)          a tight ass

(_._)        a flat ass

(_^_)        a bubble ass

(_*_)        a sore ass

(_!__)       a lop-sided ass

{_!_}        a swishy ass

(_o_)        an ass that's been around

(_O_)        an ass that's been around even more

(_x_)        kiss my ass

(_X_)        leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)      a tired ass

(_o^o_)      a wise ass

(_13_)       an unlucky ass

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 09:20:12 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Sexual Problems? <adult>

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not
seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are
having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his
face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 00:08:47 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rabbit

An old farmer was watching the county hiway going by his house when he
noticed a rabbit hopping around on the road. He heard a semi-truck coming
down the road and, sure enough, it nailed the rabbit.

Suddenly, the semi screeched to a halt. The driver got down and looked at
the rabbit. He went back to the truck, retrieved a bottle, dumped it on
the rabbit, tossed the bottle inthe ditch, and took off again.

The farmer was curious, so he kept an eye on the rabbit. Suddenly it
twitched. Then it started moving. Soon, the rabbit was hopping around like
nothing had happened. Then it started to stop and wave after every few hops.
The rabbit continued to hop, hop, wave, hop, hop, wave until it was out of
sight. The farmer was really curious now, so he went over to retrieve the
bottle. He picked it up and what do you think the label said?

"Hair Restorer With Permanent Wave"!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Aug 1997 00:02:53 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Practical joke: Target Groom

This practical joke works especially well if the groom has new
shoes for the wedding. Chalk or paint a simple but moving message
on the soles of the groom's shoes before he puts them on. Some-
thing like "Help" or "Take me away" would be appropriate. The
message should be written up by the heels of the shoes, where
the sole doesn't touch the ground, and where won't be scuffed
off. As the couple kneels at the front of the altar, the message
can be read by all interested parties.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Aug 1997 to 13 Aug 1997
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