HUMOR Digest - 11 Aug 1997 to 12 Aug 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 326 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex, the Act <adult humor>
  2. Answering Machines <clean>
  3. Mir Station Warning (inoff.)
  4. B'day marriage problem (off. to unthinking husbands)
  5. sex jokes <mildly risque>
  6. Bar humor
  7. Cinderalla, Satisfaction, Too hot???
  8. Undocumented feature in Windows 95! (Suggestive)
  9. General Halftrack (Mildly Offensive)
 10. Clinton attacked!
 11. Man & Woman - The Essential Differences <clean>

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Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 04:04:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex, the Act <adult humor>

*   Following my recovery from a heart attack and bypass, Mrs JimJr
  didn't want to make love for fear of injuring me.  I called the
  doctor and asked if he would mind sending me a note that I could
  show her, indicating it was safe to resume sex.
    Wanting to be helpful, the doctor agreed and said "How do you
  want me to address this note ?"
    Thinking REAL fast, I replied, "To Whom it May Concern:"
                                - - - - -

*   "It's really amazing," the girl told her wealthy middle-aged
  lover, as he was relining on the bed. "You have a beautiful
  head of gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area."
    "Not so amazing as you might think." he replied.  "My brain has
  to do all the worrying.  'That Guy' hasn't got a care in the world."
                                - - - - -

*   A country club in our area offered a free weekend to prospective
  members.  Mrs JimJr and I were unable to go, but our neighbor did.
    Monday evening, I saw my neighbor outside, so I asked him how
  the place was.
    He said, "It was great Jimmy.  Mixed doubles without a let-up.
  And then some idiot had to go and suggest we all play tennis."
                                - - - - -

*   A woman didn't want to embarrass her husband by discussing his
  impotence, so she went secretly to his doctor and explained the
  problem.  He gave a prescription, but the pharmacist who filled
  it made an error and the label read 30 drops instead of three.
    Two days later the woman is back at the doctor's office.  She's
  limping and looking generally beat.
    "What happened to you ?" the doctor asked.
    "Well doc," she replied. "those drops worked too damn good.  I'm
  afraid now we need an antidote so they can close the coffin."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 13:35:19 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Answering Machines <clean>

These are supposed to be real answering machine messages...

You have reached Tom and Susan.  Resistance is futile.  You will be
assimilated.  But we're not home right now.  So leave a message at the
tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

(Very fast:)  Hi, this is 904-3555-4344-2.  If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number.  If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4793, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and... (BEEEEEEEP).

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.

Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The new
number is 226-0477.  Please make a note of it.

Hello, this is Sid.  I've got a puppy in one hand, and a Smith & Wesson .38
in the other.  Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 08:51:49 -0400
From:    Thomas Wideman <TWideman@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Mir Station Warning (inoff.)

Didja hear about modification to CIS' Cosmos Cargo Shipski, intended
to prevent a repeat of last month's collision with Mir?

It's real simple; a placard has been installed that says:

CAUTION: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 10:49:15 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: B'day marriage problem (off. to unthinking husbands)

From my friend Mandar Sathe:

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he
goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants
to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you
are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"

The man says,  Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You
are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened for the formality as the
entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top
 You are getting better at the bottom"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 11:46:40 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: sex jokes <mildly risque>

 Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
 A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

 Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
 A: Come in eight flavors.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
 A: An armadildo.

 Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
 A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

 Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,
    what do you have?
 A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 12:40:14 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Bar humor

A guy walked into my bar today and said he was there "for the usual."

I said "O.K." and carried him out.


http://www.nzdances.co.nz/hosted/brain/story/anne.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 14:48:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Cinderalla, Satisfaction, Too hot???

 Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
 her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
 appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to
 go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a
 diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must
 be home by 2:00 a.m. Any laterthan that and your diaphragm will turn into
 a pumpkin."

 Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes,
 and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
 looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands
 the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
 three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
 everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his
 name?" "I can't remember, exactly.....Peter Peter, something or other."
			***************************

                     HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
 empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor,
 placate,  stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
 excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
 toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
 return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
 equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
 shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about,
 acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
 acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear,
 understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim,
 nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
 allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
 commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
 snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
 bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the
 ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
 crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip,
 slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,
 tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken,
 undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff,
 fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,
 flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do
 it again.
		--------------------------------------

                   HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          Show up naked 
     		     ***************************

 An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on
 the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
 doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do
 you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
 "In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the
 first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. and then, after I have sex with
 my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very
 interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back
 to you."

 After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to
 be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
 with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The
 doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that
 he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
 and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh
 that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually
 in July and the second time is usually in December!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 16:02:07 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Undocumented feature in Windows 95! (Suggestive)

I just discovered an undocumented feature in Windows 95:

It goes down on you more often than any girlfriend you'll ever have.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 20:55:56 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: General Halftrack (Mildly Offensive)

General Halftrack called down to the motor pool. A sleepy voice answered,
"Hullo."
General Halftrack said, "How many vehicles in the motor pool?" The sleepy
voice said, "Hold on."
After a few minutes, he came back on and said, "There's 7 Jeeps, 3 one and a
half ton trucks, and 2 staff cars for the fat-ass generals."
General Halftrack was upset by this and said, "Do you know who this is?"
Sleepy voice said, "No." General Halftrack said, "This is General Halftrack!"
Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the sleepy voice asked, "Do you know
who this is?" General Halftrack says, "No." Sleepy voice replies, "Goodbye,
Fat-ass!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 21:16:40 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Clinton attacked!

Did you hear that on his morning jog today someone threw a beer at
President Clinton?! He dodged it though....it was a draft.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Aug 1997 09:26:41 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Man & Woman - The Essential Differences <clean>

     A man is a person who, if a woman says,
     "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

     A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
     "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

     A man is a person who, if a woman says to him,
     "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
     and he lets her and she get mad, says,
     "Now what are you mad about?".

     A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
     "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
     and he lets her and she get mad, and he says,
     "Now what are mad about?" says
     "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Aug 1997 to 12 Aug 1997
************************************************
