HUMOR Digest - 10 Aug 1997 to 11 Aug 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 410 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ladies Rate the Guys <adult humor>
  2. Twelve additional things Baptists should boycott
  3. Colombus and all that
  4. A Poem
  5. idiot award <usure of source>
  6. Clinton
  7. Pun (Clean)
  8. Humor - Fat As A Pig
  9. Factful Rhymes <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 03:29:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Ladies Rate the Guys <adult humor>

*   As sometimes happens, the couple living together were tiring of
  each other.
    After one somewhat unsatisfying coupling, the man snarled, "You've
  got to be the world's most incompetent lover."
    "I couldn't be." she shot back.  "That would be just too much of a
  coincidence."
                                - - - - -

* "My taste in dates," the girl remarked over a lunch with several other
  women friends, "runs to men who are tall, dark and hung-some."
                                - - - - -

*   "You certainly aren't the communicative type." commented the girl as
  the pickup couple were undressing.
    "No, I guess not." he half said, half muttered, and lapsed into total
  silence again, until he took off his shorts.  Then he perked up and said
  pointing, "I do most of my talking with this."
    "Oh no !" cried the girl.  "Yet another chat instead of a half-way
  decent conversation."
                                - - - - -

*   "I've got this thing for lean, rangy men." said the new coder at
  the software company.  "That Ralph in sales is certainly a long tall
  drink of water."
    "I hate to bust your bubble honey." replied the office veteran,
  "But for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw."
                                - - - - -

*   "After talking me into bed by convincing me that his sex digit was
  some sort of magic wand," the girl morosely confided to a colleague,
  "the smooth talking bastard simply went and tore off a quickie."
    "I know the type." her friend replied.  "A presto digitator."
                                - - - - -

* Asked how she liked his love making, the girl replied, "Oh Timmy, you
  have no equals."  His smile disappeared however when she then added,
  "Only superiors."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 13:11:00 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Twelve additional things Baptists should boycott

Earlier this Summer the Southern Baptist Convention voted to boycott
the Disney Corporation because Disney (a so-called family positive
business) now gives normal employee benefits to homosexual couples.

The following list was written by Bo Turner, Pastor of the Tallulah
Falls (Georgia, USA) Baptist Church:

Top 12 things which should be boycotted or banned by true-believing
Baptist:

12 "The Pink Panther" -- rumored to be a gay communist

11 Christmas carols -- promotes wearing of =gay apparel=

10 Beef tenderloins -- code words advertising licentiousness

 9 Devil's food cake -- Christians should substitute Angel food cake

 8 Richard Simmons' exercise tapes -- shorts too tight; hair too
   long, and he is just too cute.

 7 "Naked reverse" in football -- a play hatched in football huddle
   encouraging young men to touch the quarterback's butt

 6 Marvin Gaye -- name too suggestive for tender ears

 5 "Batman and Robin" -- promotes pedophilia

 4 "Ben-Gay Ointment" -- promotes huffing when appplied to skin

 3 "Superman" -- he wearing tight leotards and a pink S on his chest

 2 homo sapien -- confuses students; they might think that
   homosexuality is normal

and now, for the number 1 target for Southern Baptist homophobia

 1 homo erectus -- no comment needed

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 19:56:45 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Colombus and all that

An Englishman took a train across the United States back in the 1890's.
After about the third day of staring at the countryside he remarked that he
didn't see why Colombus got so much credit for discovering America; "How in
bloody hell could he have missed it?"

				       William B. Catton

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 20:56:31 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Poem

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead.
Tho' I'm getting more forgetful,
And more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stair,
If I must go up for something
Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the "fridge" so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt-
Have I just put the food away,
Or have I come to take it out?

And then at times, when it's dark outside
And with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring-
Or just getting out of bed!

So, if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore.
I may think I've already written
And so don't want to be a bore.

So remember that I think of you
And wish that you were here.
And, now the mailman's coming,
So I must say "Good Bye, My Dear".

And here I stand beside the mailbox
With a face so very red!
Instead of mailing you the letter,
I have opened it instead!!!

Author Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 01:29:21 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: idiot award <usure of source>

Subject:  Shallow Gene Pool: No Diving....

It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1996.

As you  know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool
(thankfully). You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner:  The
man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona
cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) rocket unit he'd strapped
to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on....

the 1996 nominees are:

NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the
gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying
to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a 
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so
that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft."

NOMINEE #3 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached forthe phone but grabbed instead
a Smith&Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE #4 [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating thesafety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students.  Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the
best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE #5 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his
body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.  His
diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods.  It appears that the
man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging
over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it
wouldn't have been fatal.  But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom.  According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sickand one was
hospitalized.

NOMINEE #6 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989.
He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair
on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in
prison.  In March 1989,sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting
to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE #7["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana.
A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a
muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He
was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE #8 [AP, St. Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved
it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE #9 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE #10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party.  A man at a party popped
a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. 'Another man had it in an
aquarium,hooked to a battery,  and was trying to explode it," Payne said.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off. "

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #11!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette], July 25, 1996:
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left
the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early
Monday morning.Woodruff County deputy  Dovey Snyder reported the accident
shortly aftermidnight Monday.  Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray
Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious  condition at Baptist
Medical Center.  The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des
Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up
truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight
fuse on the older model truck had  burned out.  As a replacement fuse was
not available,  Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber  bullet from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and
the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge.  After
traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the  pavement
and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound.  Wallis
sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we
weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his _____ off or we might both be
dead" stated Wallis.  "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of
the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would
admit how this accident happened", said Snyder. Upon being notified of  the
wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and
did anyone get them from the truck.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 21:32:43 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Clinton

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge
into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second
thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the
river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United
States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of
the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 21:49:33 -0400
From:    "Dan J. Hicks" <sfmwqi@SCFN.THPL.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Pun (Clean)

In England, there was a town that had fallen on really hard times.  Their
primary industry had been their textile mills, but now the mills were all
closed and unemployment was at an all-time high.

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries
to bring to his town.  He found that there was a man in Germany who was
looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding
business.  The man had made a fortune raising the animals, and was not
willing to unload it for a fraction of its value, so that he could retire.

The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and
all of the dogs transported to his town.  Employment skyrocketed and the
town prospered.

Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes--especially on the nights with
a full moon--the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.
But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are
alive with the hounds of Munich!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Aug 1997 22:04:09 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Fat As A Pig

            Missouri town tells pig to slim down or ship out.

  BLUE SPRINGS, Missouri (CNN)(c) -- The message from the people in power
in Blue Springs, Missouri, is clear: Porky is just too fat to live in their
town.

 A city ordinance lets people keep Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, but they
can't weigh more than 125 pounds. Porky, blessed as he is with a bountiful
appetite, tips the scales at 155. So, unless he can drop 30 pounds in a
hurry, his owner has been told she must give him up.

 But Porky, it seems, isn't about to let anybody fry his bacon without a
fight. He now has an attorney, and friends and fans rallied to his defense
during a court appearance Thursday, carrying signs reading "Pig
Discrimination" and "Please Pardon Porky."

 Bob Allen of KSHB reports from Blue Springs, Missouri

 Porky's supporters argue that he shouldn't be singled out, because he's
well-behaved, minds his own business and doesn't cause any mischief.

 Of course, that may just be because he's too busy eating.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Aug 1997 09:27:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Factful Rhymes <clean>

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes
your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to
report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is
corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network
is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to
tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer
down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of
gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may
as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash
your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.  Quickly turn off the
computer and be sure to tell your mom.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Aug 1997 to 11 Aug 1997
************************************************
