HUMOR Digest - 9 Aug 1997 to 10 Aug 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 296 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Spoken Word <adult humor>
  2. Golf joke and apology <racial>
  3. Tough Questions pt. 3/3
  4. Longivity <Inoffensive>
  5. The Sunscreen Commencement Speech (part 2 of 2 parts)
  6. Honeymoon Jokes

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Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 03:56:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Spoken Word <adult humor>

*   "What is the difference," the Yuppette asked a keeper during a
  visit to eh National Zoo, "between the North American porcupine
  and the African porcupine ?"
    "The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant
  replied, "is that the North American species has a longer prick."
    The Yuppette fled in distress and anger to the Administration
  Building where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her. "I
  apologize for my staff Miss." he said.  "It was an unfortunate
  choice of terms.  What the keeper should have said is that the
  North American porcupine has a longer quill...  Actually, you
  know, come to think of it, their penises are about the same size."
                                - - - - -

*  "I've finally found a man with both feet planted firmly on the
  ground." said the sweet young thang to one of her ex's.
    "That's great !" replied the guy.  "But how in the hell does he
  get his pants off ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The lovely gold-medal-winning swimmer was amorously indisposed
  when her bedside phone rang.  Since she'd been waiting for a call
  from a talk show about an appearance, she answered it.
    "I'm the sports director of the YWCA," the caller said, "and I
  was wondering if someone in your position could possibly teach our
  youngsters the proper swimming techniques."
    "I'm sorry." the girl replied. "But let me assure you, anyone in
  my position would surely drown."
                                - - - - -

*   "Did I understand you to say," inquired the elderly chief judge
  as the beauty-pageant contestants paraded by, "that you automatically
  vote for the girl who doesn't appear to have a chance ?"
    "That's not quite it." explained the youngest judge on the panel.
  "What I said was that I invariably vote for the sleeper."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 09:36:15 -0400
From:    David Seppala <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Golf joke and apology <racial>

What do you call 165 white guys chasing a black man?
   The PGA tour.
(Note to non-golfers: refers to Tiger Woods great golf).

Speaking of Internet providers, I heard that the Mars rover found several computer disks offering free time on AOL -- This item did not make the news because no one was surprised.

(Note to non-US humor list subscribers AOL repeatedly sends on disk after
disk after disk offering free time on their service).

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Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 17:22:36 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Tough Questions pt. 3/3

     This is part 3/3 of a series that has an interesting take on the
     oft-posted issue involving the differences between male and female
     forms of communication.  Please refer to pt. 1 (posted 08/07/97) for
     the introduction and setting and pt. 2 (posted 08/08/97) for its
     continuation.


     "HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?"

     This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do
     you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a
     factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how
     that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot
     be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself
     by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or
     by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his
     birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of
     these questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton
     self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold
     inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge
     all by themselves. Next!

     "DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?"

     Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
     this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
     fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity
     on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to
     be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

     YOU SAY -  Yes
     YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
     SHE THINKS - He's hiding something

     YOU SAY -  It depends
     YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
     SHE THINKS - I knew it!

     YOU SAY -  Why do you ask
     YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
     SHE THINKS - Bastard!

     YOU SAY -  I dunno. Do you?
     YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
     SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

     By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep
     trouble. It  doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't
     blush when you  a answer.

     Let's look at an example that calls for more straight forward lying.

     "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

     She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?"  And you
     thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just
     letting your eyes swivel.  Obviously, the truth is not the best answer
     here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before
     you've found somewhere else to stay.  It may seem easy enough to
     answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught
     off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.

     Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked "What
     are you looking at?"

     TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
     that mailbox on the northwest corner".

     NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."

     TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there
     that would be perfect on you".

     TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there
     that would be perfect on you."

     TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."

     WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean
     nothing."

     Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

     "SHOULD I GET MY HAIR CUT?"

     If you say anything, then when she does get it cut (and
     let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and
     she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
     nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
     her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

     "DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

     For this one, you're on your own.  (THE END)

     From Matt Arnold

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Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 19:57:03 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Longivity <Inoffensive>

      An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a
  check-up.  The doctor tells him, "You're in
  terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with
  you.  Why, you might live forever.  By the
  way, how old was your father when he died?"
      The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he
  was dead?"
      The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he
  said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when
  he died?
      The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say
  he was dead?"
      The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You
  mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both
  your father and your grandfather are both
  alive?"
      "Not only that," said the patient, "my
  grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he
  is getting married for the first time."
     The doctor said, "After 126 years of being
  a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather
  want to get married?"
      His patient looked up at the doctor and
  said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 20:09:49 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: The Sunscreen Commencement Speech (part 2 of 2 parts)

This is a version of proposed commencement address written by Mary
Schmich, a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, 1997. In the world of
urban legend the speech is most often attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
and MIT is cited most often as the place it was presented.

<beginning of part 2 of 2 parts>

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe
you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody
else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll
ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty
magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand
that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the
older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were
young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe
you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you
never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those
who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way
of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen..

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 Aug 1997 22:18:05 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Honeymoon Jokes

Have you heard about the groom who was so lazy that he took his new bride to
the bridal suite of a San Francisco hotel and waited for an earthquake?
				*********
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.  When she asked
him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because
it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom, and for how long?"
				*********
After spending his wedding night in a hotel, the young groom approached the
front desk and asked for his bill.
"Our charge for a double room is seven dollars apiece," the clerk informed
him.  The newlywed grumbled something about the price being a bit high and
handed the clerk forty-two dollars.
				**********
"I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom to his bride as they lay
in the darkness of their honeymoon suite.  "Am I the first man to sleep with
you?"
"You will be, sweetheart," replied his bride, "if you doze off."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Aug 1997 to 10 Aug 1997
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