HUMOR Digest - 8 Aug 1997 to 9 Aug 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 543 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Football Season's Here
  2. A thought on marriage <Clean & Inspirational>
  3. Tough Questions pt. 2/3
  4. Spelling Bee <vulgarity,politicians>
  5. Early Retirement (adult content)
  6. Humor-Weird (but true) Reference questions
  7. Humor?.....you decide...
  8. Brain Droppings by George Carlin <F-Word> 1 of ??
  9. The Sunscreen Commencement Speech (part 1 of 2 parts)
 10. Interesting Facts: Part Two (2) <clean as yesterday's>
 11. Some drinking jokes

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Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 03:41:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Football Season's Here

* In the USA, it's Football time once again -- the players get
  on the fields; I get on the couch in front of the TV and
  Mrs. JimJr gets on my case.
                                - - - - -

* Friend of mine bought a used car with a Washington Redskins
  bumper sticker on it.  Being a Dallas Fan, he scraped it off
  and put on a CowBoys one.  Ya know, the car ran and passed
  better within a few minutes.
                                - - - - -

* I hear this season the Packers are going on all their road trips
  with several gorillas.  That way, if anything goes wrong with
  a lineman, they'll have spare parts.
                                - - - - -

*   Angered at what he felt was a bad call, a pro player yelled at
  the referee, "You stink to high heaven."
    The ref picked up the ball, walked off fifteen yards against the
  player's team and said, "Can you still smell me ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Notre Dame travels to California to play Southern California.
  When they arrive the coach says to the Notre Dame coach, "I hear
  you travel with a Priest, that's amazing.  May I meet him ?"
    "Which one ?" replied the Notre Dame coach, "Offense, Defense,
  or Special Teams ?"
                                - - - - -

* Last year the University of Maryland coach was berating his team
  at half time.  After a good start, they'd fallen on hard times.
  As he paced up and down the locker room, he yelled, "What the hell
  is wrong with you guys ?  You're playing like a bunch of amateurs."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 12:21:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A thought on marriage <Clean & Inspirational>

Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and
a lot of other virtues you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 07:53:04 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Tough Questions pt. 2/3

     This is part 2/3 of a series that has an interesting take on the
     oft-posted issue involving the differences between male and female
     forms of communication.  Please refer to pt. 1 (posted 08/07/97)
     for the introduction and setting.


     "WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?"

     This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously
     not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
     "upstairs" or "I dunno". She wants a heartfelt expression of your
     feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you
     want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a
     toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
     precisely what it is she wants to hear.

     Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves,  i.e.
     questions that should be answered with another question.  See how
     easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried
     through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

     HER: Where do you see this relationship going? YOU: Where do you see
     this relationship going?

     HER: Do you think she's attractive?
     YOU: Who?

     HER: Will you marry me?
     YOU: Where am I?

     HER: What if I were pregnant?
     YOU: Are you pregnant?
     HER: Why? Do I look fat?

     Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
     coming. Try a more surreal approach:

     HER: What if I were pregnant?
     YOU: What if I were pregnant?

     At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some
     all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you
     ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love
     gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your
     period? is not one of these.)

     Let's try a math question.

     "HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?"

     Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more
     than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less
     expecting. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move
     on.

     "ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT?"

     Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
     know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
     they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.  The point is, when
     a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even
     if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question
     back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be.
     If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and
     start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break
     up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try
     some-thing easier.

     "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"

     Well, slightly easier. Apart from being a question that is easier to
     answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern
     context;

     HER: Notice anything different about me? YOU: New apron?

     HER: Have you forgotten what today is? YOU: Of course not. It's
     Thursday.

     HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said? YOU: That's nice,
     dear...

     Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it.  If she
     wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
     questions. Questions such as:

     (to be continued)

     From Matt Arnold

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 09:29:04 -0400
From:    David Seppala <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spelling Bee <vulgarity,politicians>

President Clinton, Senator Packwood, Senator Kennedy and Dan Quayle were all
in a spelling bee.   Dan Quayle won -- he was the only one who knew that
"harass" is one word.

dseppala@flash.net

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 10:09:49 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Early Retirement (adult content)

TO:     All Personnel

FROM:   The Director of Personnel

RE:     Early Retirement

As a result of automation, as well as a dwindling work load, Management must,
out of necessity, take steps to reduce our work force. A reduction plan has
been developed which appears the most equitable under the circumstances.

Under the Plan, older employees will beplaced on early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the
Company.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via early retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
The program shall be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given an opportunity to seek other jobs
within the Company, provided that while they are being RAPED, they request a
review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the operation is called Survey of the Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a fiscal
review. This will be known as Study by Higher Authorities Following
Termination (SHAFT).

Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may get the SHAFT as many times as the Company deems appropriate.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 08:39:12 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-Weird (but true) Reference questions

       Weird (But True) Reference Questions,
                     or,
     Close Encounters of the Referential Kind
               [public edition]

Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American
and Canadian library reference desk workers

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the
English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"
(Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?"  This was asked of a
person sitting at a desk who had hanging above her
head a large sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a
cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my
hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles
were fought on National Park Sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington
[Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates,
etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth
certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my
bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a
lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel
syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my
neck."

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that
would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Note: If any of these questions seem perfectly reasonable to you after careful
consideration, please see your local Reference Librarian.

Tina Gunther; Cataloging Technician
Biola University
La Mirada, Calif.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 13:02:50 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor?.....you decide...

Subject:       Author Unknown - [THE BOOK OF JOINTNESS]
Timothy Hall (From Captain Tim Hall)

Command,Control,Communications,Computers,information
JOINT Command Everybody singing from the same sheet of music....

    THE BOOK OF JOINTNESS

The generations of Command and Control Warfare, as told by the prophet
Toffler.

In the beginning, there was Hand-to-Hand Combat.  And the sons of
Hand-to-Hand Combat were Rock, Spear, and Sword Warfare.  And it was good.
And the morning and the evening were called the First Wave, or Agrarian
Warfare.

Sword Warfare begat Mechanized Combat.  And the sons of Mechanized Combat
were Combined Arms and Chemical Warfare and Radio Counter Measures.  And
Radio Counter Measures begat Electronic Combat.  And the sons of Electronic
Combat were Electronic Warfare; Command, Control and Communications Counter
Measures and Suppression of Enemy Air Defenses.

Now the sons of Electronic Warfare were Counter Measures, Counter-Counter
Measures and Support Measures.  And it was good.  And the morning and
evening were called the Second Wave, or Industrial Warfare.

On the third day, all hell broke loose.  Electronic Combat went into the
tent of Technology and knew her.  But Command, Control and Communications
Counter Measures also lusted after Technology and went into her tent and
knew her also.  And it was very good.  And so it was that her days were
accomplished that she should deliver her child, and she wrapped him in
strange words and laid him in a paradigm.  And they called him Command and
Control Warfare, for they knew not who his father was, Electronic Combat or
Command, Control and Communications Countermeasures.

And wise men came from the Joint Staff bearing gifts.  And they gave him
OPSEC, PSYOPS, Deception, Electronic Warfare and Destruction.
(OPSEC=operations security, PSYOPS=psychological operations)
And Electronic Warfare kicked out all his sons and begat new sons.  And
the new sons of Electronic Warfare were Electronic Attack, Protect, and
Support.

And the morning and evening were called the Third Wave, or Information
Warfare.

Now let me tell you as concerns those events that are yet to come.  Fire
will fall from heaven and consume the house of Suppression of Enemy Air
Defenses.  And the family of Suppression of Enemy Air Defenses will scatter
before the fire, and gather to the tribes of Destruction and Electronic
Attack.  And they will lose their name for all generations.

Verily, I say unto thee, all now be renamed under the umbrella term
Information Operations, and do spread this gospel of warfare
without killing.  And lo, it is politically correct.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 13:02:52 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Brain Droppings by George Carlin <F-Word> 1 of ??

>From the book *Brain Droppings* by George Carlin:

"Someone said to me, 'Make yourself a sandwich.'  Well, if I could make
myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich.  I'd make myself a
horny, 18-year-old billionaire."

"We're all fucked.  It helps to remember that."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 15:42:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: The Sunscreen Commencement Speech (part 1 of 2 parts)

This is a version of proposed commencement address written by Mary
Schmich, a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, 1997. In the world of
urban legend the speech is most often attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
and MIT is cited most often as the place it was presented.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you
imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble
gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some
idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
Who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with
yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed
in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-
olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone. <end of part 1 of 2 parts>

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 13:49:58 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Interesting Facts: Part Two (2) <clean as yesterday's>

Interesting  Facts: part  II

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia
still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for
blacks and whites.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.

Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer
prize.

Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.

Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but
only 6 people were injured

Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers
in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.

The only two days of the year in which there are no North American
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before
and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 23:07:13 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Some drinking jokes

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally
been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner
waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds
into their pockets."
				**********
The six fraternity men came weaving out of a popular off campus bar and
started to crowd themselves into the Jeep for the ride back to the frat
house.  One of them, obviously, the house president, took charge of the
situation.  "Henry," he said, "you drive. You're too drunk to sing."
				**********
The young man was determined to win his girl that evening.
"I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
"So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take
advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"
				**********
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find
us some girls."
"No," replied the other one.  "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man,  "then let's have one more drink and go up to
your place."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Aug 1997 to 9 Aug 1997
**********************************************
