HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1997 to 8 Aug 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 519 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Do-it-YourSelf Ethnic Humor
  2. mission impossible <no off.>
  3. Request for repost
  4. The Plan (may be offensive - lang.)
  5. Interesting Facts <clean for the most part>
  6. Tough Questions pt. 1/3
  7. That's not Vonnegut!
  8. Friendly neighbors
  9. Various ventings & other bits of humor
 10. HUMOR:  Corporate Merger to Take Place...
 11. A Kiss Is Essential <clean,off. to those who don't like kisses>

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Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 04:01:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Do-it-YourSelf Ethnic Humor

   (Please fill in your own Bigotry)

* They have a new abortion clinic in __________.
  However, it's so popular there's a one year waiting list.
                                - - - - -

* Have you ever seen a __________ firing squad ?
  By tradition, they form a circle.
                                - - - - -

* What do you call a pretty girl in __________ ?
  A tourist.
                                - - - - -

* The other day, sixty men died at the __________ Naval Base.
  They tried to push start a submarine.
                                - - - - -

* What's the last thing a stripper takes off in __________ ?
  Her bowling shoes.
                                - - - - -

* They opened a new massage parlor in __________.
  It's self service.
                                - - - - -

* How do you tell a ________ on the slopes ?
  His skis have chains.
                                - - - - -

* During the Olympics a __________ defected to __________.
  It raised the average IQ of both places.
                                - - - - -

* __________ don't buy balloons.
  They don't come with any instructions.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 10:52:41 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: mission impossible <no off.>

A car salesman was trying to sell this great car to a clinet.
'Look, this car never fails. See all these buttons on the dashboard ? They
keep your car going.'
'What's the red button for ?'
'Well.. eh.. look, the car really never fails. With this silver button you
can calibrate your steering.'
'Oke, but the red button ? '
Well, it's eh.. You know, never for a second will this car let you down.
It'll do its job day and night, in hot and cold weather, always'.
'YES, I KNOW, BUT THE RED BUTTON ??'
'Well, you know, imagine that in the unbelievable and impossible case your
car might seem to fail, you push this red button and off you go again.'
'So this car ..'
'No', said the salesman, 'look, a man can't get pregnant, but in the
unbelievable and impossible case that he MIGHT get pregnant ... he already
has nipples.'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 08:39:44 +0000
From:    Stephen Richard <warlord@CITYNET.NET>
Subject: Request for repost

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:21:48 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Plan (may be offensive - lang.)

THE PLAN
In the beginning was the plan
and then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke amongst themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may
abide by it"
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength"
and the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong"
and the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful"
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
company, and these areas in particular"
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy
"THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:13:54 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Interesting Facts <clean for the most part>

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail
under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Emus cannot walk backwards.

The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
Military Academy at West Point, NY.

There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen
blimps are in the United States.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He
spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be
dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the
movie.

Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison. (Everyone knows
this!)

The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
(MOdulateDEModulate)

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
elephants.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and
Australia have participated in every Olympics.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

Giraffes have no vocal cords.


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 16:14:07 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Tough Questions pt. 1/3

     This is part 1/3 of a series that has an interesting take on the
     oft-posted issue involving the differences between male and female
     forms of communication.

     IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you
     should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the TV opening beer
     number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is
     even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a
     bigger television.

     Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,

     "DO I LOOK FAT?"

     There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes".
     "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
     matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
     yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than
     field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your
     only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no
     possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely
     acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but
     all the other options are worse.

     There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer,
     and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all
     of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny
     is unlikely to pay off.

     Consult this handy chart:

     JUST SAY NO
     Is there someone else?
     Do you still fantasize about her?
     Are you tired of me?

     JUST SAY YES
     Do you still love me?
     Do you ever fantasize about me?
     Do you like my hair this way?

     Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
     no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

     "WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?"

     This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you
     don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so
     why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing
     campaign to domesticate you. Suggest that she try on the other shoes,
     then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less
     off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that
     the second pair are better after all. On no account suggest another
     dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

     (to be continued)

     From Matt Arnold

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 15:53:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: That's not Vonnegut!

That piece that was posted to HUMOR was NOT written by Kurt Vonnegut
nor did he give a commencement address to MIT.  Instead it was written
by a Tribune columnist.  If you have web access her column exposing
the fraud is at http://www.chicago.tribune.com/news/current/schmich.htm

The text of the column is below. It was still a pretty good piece but it
underscores the fact that, on the internet, NOTHING is for sure.
================================================================
Mary Schmich

Vonnegut? Schmich? Who can tell in cyberspace

Web-posted: Saturday, August 2, 1997

I am Kurt Vonnegut.

Oh, Kurt Vonnegut may appear to be a brilliant, revered male novelist. I
may appear to be a mediocre and virtually unknown female newspaper
columnist. We may appear to have nothing in common but unruly hair.

But out in the lawless swamp of cyberspace, Mr. Vonnegut and I are one. Out
there, where any snake can masquerade as king, both of us are the author of
a graduation speech that began with the immortal words, "Wear sunscreen."

I was alerted to my bond with Mr. Vonnegut Friday morning by several
callers and e-mail correspondents who reported that the sunscreen speech
was rocketing through the cyberswamp, from L.A. to New York to Scotland, in
a vast e-mail chain letter.

Friends had e-mailed it to friends, who e-mailed it to more friends, all of
whom were told it was the commencement address given to the graduating
class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The speaker was
allegedly Kurt Vonnegut.

Imagine Mr. Vonnegut's surprise. He was not, and never has been, MIT's
commencement speaker. Imagine my surprise. I recall composing that little
speech one Friday afternoon while high on coffee and M&M's. It appeared in
this space on June 1. It included such deep thoughts as "Sing," "Floss,"
and "Don't mess too much with your hair." It was not art.

But out in the cyberswamp, truth is whatever you say it is, and my simple
thoughts on floss and sunscreen were being passed around as Kurt Vonnegut's
eternal wisdom.

Poor man. He didn't deserve to have his reputation sullied in this way.

So I called a Los Angles book reviewer, with whom I'd never spoken, hoping
he could help me find Mr. Vonnegut.

"You mean that thing about sunscreen?" he said when I explained the
situation. "I got that. It was brilliant. He didn't write that?"

He didn't know how to find Mr. Vonnegut. I tried MIT.

"You wrote that?" said Lisa Damtoft in the news office. She said MIT had
received many calls and e-mails on this year's "sunscreen" commencement
speech. But not everyone was sure: Who had been the speaker?

The speaker on June 6 was Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United
Nations, who did not, as Mr. Vonnegut and I did in our speech, urge his
graduates to "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living
room." He didn't mention sunscreen.

As I continued my quest for Mr. Vonnegut -- his publisher had taken the
afternoon off, his agent didn't answer -- reports of his "sunscreen" speech
kept pouring in.

A friend called from Michigan. He'd read my column several weeks ago.
Friday morning he received it again -- in an e-mail from his boss. This
time it was not an ordinary column by an ordinary columnist. Now it was
literature by Kurt Vonnegut.

Fortunately, not everyone who read the speech believed it was Mr.
Vonnegut's.

"The voice wasn't quite his," sniffed one doubting contributor to a
Vonnegut chat group on the Internet. "It was slightly off -- a little too
jokey, a little too cute . . . a little too `Seinfeld.' "

Hoping to find the source of this prank, I traced one e-mail backward from
its last recipient, Hank De Zutter, a professor at Malcolm X College in
Chicago. He received it from a relative in New York, who received it from a
film producer in New York, who received it from a TV producer in Denver,
who received it from his sister, who received it. . . .

I realized the pursuit of culprit zero would be endless. I gave up.

I did, however, finally track down Mr. Vonnegut. He picked up his own
phone. He'd heard about the sunscreen speech from his lawyer, from friends,
from a women's magazine that wanted to reprint it until he denied he wrote
it.

"It was very witty, but it wasn't my wittiness," he generously said.

Reams could be written on the lessons in this episode. Space confines me to
two.

One: I should put Kurt Vonnegut's name on my column. It would be like
sticking a Calvin Klein label on a pair of K-Mart jeans.

Two: Cyberspace, in Mr. Vonnegut's word, is "spooky."


---
Is it chauvinism if I just like them barefoot?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 20:31:58 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Friendly neighbors

Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across
the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife
awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.  Angered, she dialed her
attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, "Tell my husband to get his
ass across the street."

"Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for
some time now."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 21:04:43 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Various ventings & other bits of humor

Most of these contributions come from recent issues of the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution's The Vent column
(http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/the vent).

The reason women live longer than men is because they don't have
wives.

My son received his first paycheck yesterday, and he wants to know
who FICA is.

We ran out of fax paper and our secretary didn't want to drive in all
that rain so she called the supply company and asked them to just fax
over some more paper.

I gave up drugs 20 years ago, but I just can't kick ice cream.

Flea market item and the ultimate oxymoron: The 1960s Elly May
Clampett fashion dool, $80.

Beware, people. Every time I put some money into the stock market, it
dies, and I'm about to do it again.

If the stock market takes a dive, guess who Newt Gingrich will blame?

My wife ran off with myb est friend and I really, really miss him.

Where were the animal rights people when Joe Camel was killed?

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

One way to make a fool happy is to argue with him.

It is musch easier to be critical than to be correct.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 21:53:47 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR:  Corporate Merger to Take Place...

Rumor has it that FedEx and UPS are in secret negotiations to merge
after the strike is settled - the new company will be known as "FedUp"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 Aug 1997 09:48:28 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Kiss Is Essential <clean,off. to those who don't like kisses>

 KISS KISS!! It's Good for you because...

 ...it helps prevent tooth decay.  Dr Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at
 the British Dental Association, explains.  "After eating, your mouth is
 full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up.
 Kissing is nature's own cleaning process," he adds.  "It imulates saliva
 flow and brings plaque levels down to normal."

 ....it relieves tension.  A passionate kiss is a great relaxation
 technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. "When your mouth
 is in a kissing position, you're almost smiling and, as our emotions and
 body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible to smile and
 feel tense at the same time," she explains.  "Also, your breathing becomes
 deeper and your eyes close when u kiss - that's what u do when u relax.
 It's a perfect way to shut out the world."

 ...it helps you lose weight.  "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up
 sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter.  "The calories burned depend
 on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes."

 ...it slows the ageing process.  "Kissing helps to tone ur cheek and
 jowl muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness
 Consultant, Claire Potter.

 ...it increases fitness levels.  Your heart is pumping, your pulse is
 racing..."  If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the
 bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr
 Susan Hotchkies.  "It's a great cardiovascular workout."

 ...it is a good indication of what's to come.  Kissing a new man gives
 you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical
 messengers that signal sexual attraction."  The first kiss is always a
 good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you," says Paul
 Brown, a sexual and marital therapist.  "In humans, it's thought that
 smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your
 pheromones aren't in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas."

 And finally, ...it boosts self-esteem.  There's nothing better than a
 passionate kiss for a major dose of feel - good factor.  "In theory,
 when you're kissing, you're happy.  And when you're happy, you feel good
 about yourself," says psychotherapist Paul Zeal.  (Doesn't it make you
 feel like kissing someone now?) There you have it...Why Kissing Iz Good
 for YOU!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1997 to 8 Aug 1997
**********************************************
