HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1997 to 7 Aug 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 455 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Drinking
  2. Blinded by your side <maybe off. to lame blind & blond
  3. Madrigal <clean & rather moronic>
  4. A Few Truths About .. <clean>
  5. Riddle (off to Mafioso)
  6. Humor: real life....
  7. Humor: fortune cookie <not off.>
  8. Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans)
  9. Funny News <clean>
 10. How much???  (not off.)
 11. Microsoft 666
 12. Drivers (probably off. to everyone)
 13. Top Ten List Clinton Changes at the White House <clean enough for late
     night TV>
 14. Take Off <clean>

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Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 03:56:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Drinking

* Had a cousin once who was the town drunk.  Not that unusual
  really, unless you considered the fact that he lived in New York.
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr sez I drink too much.  In reality though it really only
  takes one drink to get me totally plastered...  It's either the
  fifteenth one or the sixteenth one, I always forget which.
                                - - - - -

* She may well be right though.  We went to a party Saturday night and
  I could have had a bit too much to drink.  I'm writing these jokes
  on Tuesday afternoon, and I still have a hangover.
                                - - - - -

* Actually I drink for a very good reason.  I willed my body to
  science and I figure I should try do my part in the meantime by
  preserving it in alcohol until they get it.
                                - - - - -

* In Columbia Maryland they're talking about closing the bars earlier.
  Big deal.  The way I figure, if you can't get drunk by midnite,
  you ain't half trying.
                                - - - - -

* I've kinda been a drinker all my life though.  In college, I was
  voted the man most likely to dissolve.
                                - - - - -

*   A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have to
  go.  Which way is the bathroom ?"
    The bartender points out the direction, and as the man staggers
  off, he sez "While you're there, go for me too."
    The drunk returns, sits down, then sez "Damn ! I forgot something."
  Then, minutes later, returns again and sez, "Hey bartender, you didn't
  have to go."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 10:45:19 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Blinded by your side <maybe off. to lame blind & blond

The blind and the lame were good friends and decided to take a stroll.
'You know what ? 'The blind man said, 'you climb on my back and sit on my
shoulders. Then you tell me how to walk. In this way, we can walk really
fast.'
The lame manfound this a good idea. So he climbed on his friend's shoulders
and off they went.
'Go left, go right, stop, go on ' and more commands like thse kept the
friends going.
'He, what do you see'' , the blind man asked.
'Well, we're passing the mill'.
'I can smell that !''
Moment later: 'We're at the station '.
'Yeah, I can hear it.'
'He', whispered the lame, 'There's a gorgeous blond in front of you, two
paces away !
'' Yeah, I can feel it.'

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 11:23:45 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Madrigal <clean & rather moronic>

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a personality disorder
And so have I
And so have I
And so have I
And so hav...
Oh, shut up all of you!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 15:26:51 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Few Truths About .. <clean>

      Why Computer Scientist's wives don't complain................

      1. CS hubbies keep BUGS like cockcroaches away from the house. They
      are professional debuggers.

      2. CS hubbies can multitask. They can do housework and office work
      simultaneously.

      3. CS hubbies give their wives a sense of security. They keep
      Kerberos as pets in the family.

      4. There can never be a communication breakdown between CS hubbies and
      their wives, since CS hubbies are fluent in many languages. Try
      talking object oriented-ly with them.

      5. CS hubbies have ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE on top of their real
      intelligence, so they are smarter than engineers.

      6. CS hubbies are FTP, very Fun To Play. You can even play with them
      anonymously if you wish.

      7. Before he gets into an argument with his wife, a CS hubby will
      consult the FAQ, which sets the guidelines for him to Forgive And
      Quarrel. See how rational they are compared to ruthless Engineers?

      8. CS hubbies act like real man. When in doubt of their behaviour, they
      follow the MAN pages.

      9. CS hubbies are honest about themselves. What You See Is What You
      Get (WYSIWYG).

      Macs offer Plug And Play. Wintel offer Plug And Pray
      -Anonymous.(Or is it everyone?)

      Chalapathi (*^_^*) Deciding Upon His HomePage(s)!..And thanking a
      zillion for all those who are helping him out!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 13:30:21 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Riddle (off to Mafioso)

Maurizio's joke reminded me of this one:

Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
   year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names......

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:17:31 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: real life....

Only the in the military........or is it just me..........
serious subject trivialized................
or a POSH job....................

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To:   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date:          Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:01:24 EST
Subject:       POSH Training
Priority:      normal

All civilian employees and all military personnel who supervise
civilian employees, are required to complete Prevention of Sexual
Harassment (POSH) training.

XXXX will be offering this training according to the following
schedule.  Please make sure you attend one of the four sessions.

          25 & 26 September
          Auditorium, Bldg 500
          0745 - 0945 and 1230 - 1430 each day

Thanks,
xxxxxxxxxxxx

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:31:10 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: Humor: fortune cookie <not off.>

I got the following fortune in my fortune cookie last night:

"Good fortune is yours when you stock tons of fortune cookies."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:32:06 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans)

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all
three died. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair.
God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What
did people think of you?

The first person said, "I'm Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in the
nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and
the people of Kentucky think I am great." God said, "Denny, stand to my
right."

The next person said, "I'm John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable.
The people of Washington DC think I am great." God said, "John, stand on
my left side."

The third person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight. I have
won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am
games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach
ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting
in my chair."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 08:53:56 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Funny News <clean>

I got this from the USA TODAY paper:


Yemeni trio claims Mars, sues NASA

SAN, Yemen - Three Yemeni men claiming ownership of Mars have filed a
lawsuit against NASA for landing on the red planet. Adam Ismail,
Mustafa Khalil and Abdullah al-Umari have filed documents to a Yemeni
court that they say prove their claim, the weekly Al-Thawri newspaper
said. "We inherited the planet from our ancestors 3,000 years ago,"
the Arabic-language paper quoted the men as saying. "Sojourner and
Pathfinder ... began exploring it without informing us or seeking our
approval." The plaintiffs demanded the immediate suspension of all
operations on Mars until the Yemeni court delivers a verdict. Asked
for comment, Richard Cook, Pathfinder mission manager at NASA's Jet
Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., said, "It's everybody's.
Mars is for the whole world to explore and to understand."


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 11:20:44 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How much???  (not off.)

 A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they
 decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of
 income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her
 he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
 problems.

 A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the
 way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her
 husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and
 informed the client at which he cried "That's too much!" He then asked
 "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask
 her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back
 and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and
 began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his
 clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

 She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again
 at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I please
 borrow $60?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 12:47:45 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft 666

>Thanks to Vic Stenger

BIBLE PREDICTED THAT BILL GATES WOULD RULE WORLD

"The Bible Code", by Michael Drosnin, is fighting for first place on
the best-seller list with "Letters From God, Books I and II" and "The
Dilbert Future". Now Australian math professor Brendon McKay using the
same techniques as Drosnin has discovered remarkable predictions about
Bill Gates in "The Book of Revelations".

After extracting "William Gates, agitator, leader,"  McKay found in its
vicinity: "MSDOS," "him that sitteth on the throne," "virtual reality,"
"software," "horror," and "netscarp" (God's not a good speller).  For
more details, see


http://www3.zdnet.com/yil/content/mag/9708/biblecode.html

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 16:33:40 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Drivers (probably off. to everyone)

               How to Identify Where a Driver is From:

 One hand on steering wheel and one hand on horn: New York;

 One hand on steering wheel and one finger out window: Chicago;

 One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper while reading it and
 foot solidly on accelerator: Boston;

 One hand on steering wheel cradling cell phone & brick on accelerator:
 California;

 Same as above plus gun in lap: Los Angeles;

 Both hands on steering wheel, eyes completely shut both feet on brake
 and quivering in terror: Ohio but driving in California;

 Both hands in air gesturing wildly, both feet on accelerator and talking
 to someone in back seat: Italy;

 One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake
 and mind on game: Seattle;

 One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating both between
 both feet being on accelerator abd both on brake while throwing a
 McDonalds bag out the window: Texac city male;

 One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out window, keeping speed steadily at
 70 mph, driving down center of road unless coming around a blind curve,
 in which case they are on left side of lane: Texas country male;

 One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show the different
 angles of of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush and
 rat-tail to keep helmet hair going, both feet on accelerator, poodle
 steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with Mother of Pearl inlaid handle
 in glove compartment: Texas female;

 Both hands on steering wheel, in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
 checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their
 own and another's car: Colorado;

 One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a
 gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for
 landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any
 bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado
 resident on spotting a car with a Texas plate;

 Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans
 on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male;

 Junker driven by someone who previously had a ice car and who is now
 wearing a barrel: Las Vegas;

 Two hands gripping steering wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
 level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the left
 blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 6 Aug 1997 17:24:20 -0400
From:    Dodd Harris <CDHIV@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten List Clinton Changes at the White House <clean enough for late
         night TV>

"Top Ten Other Changes President Clinton Has Made at the White House"
(inspired by the addition of a hot tub on White House grounds for Bill
Clinton) from the Late Show with David Letterman (1 August):

10. Alarm outside bedroom sounds when Hillary is approaching.
 9. Pillars on front porch replaced by Golden Arches.
 8. On front lawn, enormous marble statue of Clinton with his pants around his
    ankles.
 7. White House tour now clothing optional.
 6. New state of the art gym in case Tubby ever gets off his fat ass.
 5. Sound-proofing to block noise of George Washington spinning in his grave.
 4. New passcode: One knock for hookers, two knocks for pizza.
 3. All furniture now stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents.
 2. New sign: "If this Oval Office is rockin', don't come knockin'."
 1. Hot and cold running gravy.

* Copyright 1997 by Worldwide Pants Inc.


http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:21:06 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Take Off <clean>

Latest Sardar joke doing the rounds...

Our Sardar gets an oppurtunity to fly to a near by country.
Sardar never has been on an airplane anywhere and has got so
excited and tensed.

As soon as he boarded the plane, a BOEING 747,he  started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING!
BOEING!!  BOEING!!! BO....'.

He forgets what's around, even the pilot in the cock-pit
hears the noise. Annoyed by the sound, the Pilot comes out and
shouts 'BE SILENT!'. There was pin-drop silence every where and
everybody is looking at the Sardar and the angry Pilot. Sardar
stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden
started shouting, 'OEING !    OEING!!   OEING!!! OE...'.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1997 to 7 Aug 1997
**********************************************
