HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1997 to 1 Aug 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 202 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Are You TOO Fat ?
  2. abstention from sex <adult situation>
  3. "You have NOT lived a good life..."
  4. Radio funnies
  5. Lisp <adult>

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Date:    Thu, 31 Jul 1997 03:28:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Are You TOO Fat ?

These days with Anorexia. Bulimia, fad diets and obsession with one's
weight, I thought posting a guide as to whether you really are fat or
not would serve as a great public service.

                      You're way too FAT if:

* you're walking in the parking lot & cars won't pass ya on the right

* in school you WERE the front row of the class picture

* you ask someone to put sunscreen on ya & they get a paint roller

* all the local "all you can eat" places have banned you permanently

* you sit at a bar and don't have to drink to have a hangover

* you lull yourself to sleep trying to get up out of a rocking chair

* you're taller laying down than you are standing up

* you donate clothes to charity & they use them as homeless shelters

* the only thing in your size at a department store is the elevator

* you're voted Miss North AND South Dakota

* your bike is equipped with truck tires

* at a seance you don't have a medium -- you have an extra extra large

* your bathing suit is covered with blow-out patches

* the only thing long and flowing you look good in is a river

* your kids can wear your wrist watch as a belt


Mrs. JimJr asked me if I wasn't afraid of offending by posting this.
I told her "Nah !!!  Those really fat people can't catch me anyway."

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Date:    Thu, 31 Jul 1997 08:35:23 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: abstention from sex <adult situation>

Three couples tell a minister they'd like to join his congregation. "I would
love to have you join," he replies, "but first we require you to abstain from
sex for three weeks. No sex at all. Can you do that"?
     All three agree to the terms.
     Three weeks later the three couples return. The minister asks the first
couple, "How did you do as far as complying with the requirement?"
     Replies the couple, "Well, we have been married for 30 years, so we had
no trouble at all in meeting your terms."
     He then asks the second couple the same question.
     Their answer: "We have been married ten years.  It was a bit difficult
to abstain, but we managed."
     Then he asks the last couple.  They tell him, "Well we are newlyweds, so
you can use your imagination.  I'm afraid we failed the test.  We tried and
tried.  For two weeks we actually managed . . . though it was extremely
difficult.  But we managed to refrain from anything stronger than kissing.
 Then, the other morning," the husband went on, "we were having breakfast,
and I dropped the paper.  We both bent down to get it, and our eyes met, and
. . . well, we just couldn't control our passion any longer."
     "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but under the circumstances you won't
be permitted to join my church."
     Replies the couple, "We aren't allowed back in that restaurant, either".

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Date:    Thu, 31 Jul 1997 09:08:59 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: "You have NOT lived a good life..."

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore all died and went to heaven. As
they were standing outside the Pearly Gates, Clinton nudges Gore and
says, "I never thought I'd get here. I didn't lead a very good life."
Just then, St. Peter strolls up and overhears this. He says, "There is
no such thing as Hell, we just tell people that so they lead a better
life on Earth, but how much you enjoy heaven depends on how you behaved
while on Earth."

He leads them through the gates and down a hallway. He says to Al Gore,
"You're in this room." Gore looks in and sees a hideous looking old
woman. He didn't want to go in, but they shoved him in and he hears
a booming voice, "Al Gore, you have NOT lived a good life. You are
doomed to spend all eternity with this woman."

They leave him and continue down the hallway. St. Peter says to Bill
Clinton, "You're in this room." Clinton looks in and sees an even more
hideous looking old woman. He hears the booming voice, "Bill Clinton,
you have NOT lived a good life.  You are doomed to spend all eternity
with this woman."  By this time Clinton has fainted, so they drug him
into the room and left him.

Bill Gates is starting to get worried. It seems the women are getting
worse as they go further down the hall. St. Peter stops at the next
room and says to Bill Gates, "You're in here."  He looks in and sees
Cindy Crawford in a very sexy negligee. Needing no coaxing at all, he
runs into the room. He then hears the booming voice, "Cindy Crawford,
you have NOT lived a good life..."

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Date:    Thu, 31 Jul 1997 16:06:05 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Radio funnies

I heard this on the radio yesterday:

        WBGL... Broadcasting God's Love in East-Central Illinois,
        West-Central Indiana...

        ...and now, North-Central Uzbekistan!

(They just got RealAudio at http://www.wbgl.org/realaudio.html)
			============================

Ms. Single Mother is drowning 100 feet from shore.

Mr. Republican comes by. He throws her a 50 foot rope, and says heUs
done his share, now she needs to do her part and meet him half way.

Mr. Democrat comes by. He thows her a 200 foot rope, then drops his
end.

-- Tony Compolo (heard on the radio)
			============================

"We are a two-party system, so some day Labor will win. Our job is to
hang on until they are sane." -- Margaret Tatcher, 1987

"After losing in 1992, Labor decided to try sanity, installing Blair as
leader." -- George Will.


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

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Date:    Fri, 1 Aug 1997 09:38:44 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Lisp <adult>

  A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He
  wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a
  small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.  He goes up to
  the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your
  horth?"  "Sure", says the farmer, "come on in." The dwarf wanders
  round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her
  eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."  The farmer has to bend
  down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.  "Nith
  eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think
  I want to buy thith horth."  Once again the dwarf wanders around
  the horse, in turn asking the farmer to  pick him up and show him
  the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith  earth, I like
  thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith
  horth."  The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this  stage
  because the dwarf is  quite heavy.  Suddenly the dwarf stops in his
  tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want  to thee her twat!"
  The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first
  into the  mare's backside.  He leaves the dwarf's little legs
  kicking and wanders off to talk to his  friends for a couple of
  minutes.  He then comes back and extracts the dwarf  from his
  predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"  The dwarf wipes himself down and says.
  "I think I better wephrath that .... I'd like to thee her gallop!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1997 to 1 Aug 1997
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