HUMOR Digest - 30 Jul 1997 to 31 Jul 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 551 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. live longer
  2. Medicine Today <some adult humor>
  3. religion <unlikely to be offensive unless you're awfully touchy>
  4. Star signs  <sexual - offensive>
  5. Humor:adult, crude
  6. Cow Chip (offensive to women)
  7. Outsourcing
  8. I saw it in the movies
  9. Headline: POLICE STATION TOILET SEAT STOLEN
 10. Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS) <Sexual Content>
 11. Women
 12. fishintalk <clean>
 13. Quick Quiz
 14. Bumper Sticker <clean>
 15. May be mildly suggestive

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Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 11:07:43 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: live longer

Did you know that the average man dies at about 73 but the
women die at 74?

I wonder what they do in the extra year? Celebrate??
Actually the reason for this is that women make us want to die as soon as
possible. You don't believe me? Do you remember what Al Bundy asks in
every show?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 04:14:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Medicine Today <some adult humor>

* Always guard your rear while you're in the hospital --
  You're in enema country.
                                - - - - -

*   A cute lil' Nurse is walking along a hospital corridor with one of
  her breasts exposed.  The Charge Nurse spots her and berates her for
  her conduct.
    The Nurse shakes her head sadly and sez, "Those damn interns never
  put anything back when they're through with it."
                                - - - - -

* Have any of ya noticed how fast they move patients in hospitals these
  days.  I was on the fourth floor in recovery; then, as soon as I
  finished paying for that floor, they moved me to the third.
                                - - - - -

* A Doctor's fiancee broke off their relationship.  The next day, he
  billed her for 85 house calls.
                                - - - - -

* About the only way to get any doctor to make a house call these days
  is to buy a home located on the golf course.
                                - - - - -

* Talk about a crisis of faith.  My doctor gave me a prescription for a
  problem I was having.  Then said, "Oh, and be sure and call me in no
  more than three days and let me know how that works.  I'm having the
  same trouble myself."
                                - - - - -

*   A teenager goes to a doctor for a checkup.  When she removes her
  blouse,  he checks her breathing and says, "Big breaths."
    She replies, "Yeth, and I'm only thickteen."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 07:13:52 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: religion <unlikely to be offensive unless you're awfully touchy>

A Catholic man was friendly with a Jewish man, so when his son became a
priest, he was eager to share the good news with his friend.  "My son just
entered the priesthood!" he told his Jewish friend excitedly.
     "Ehhh . . . that's nice," the Jewish man said with complacency.
     "Don't you get it . . . he could one day become a monsignor," the
Catholic insisted.
     "Mmm . . . that's nice," the Jewish man repeated, maddeningly
unenthusiastic.
     "But one day he might become a bishop!"
     "That's nice."
     "An archbishop!  My son . . . my little boy . . . could one day be an
archbishop!" the Catholic man exclaimed, frustrated by his friend's utter
lack of zeal for the news.
     "An archbishop . . . that's nice."
     "A cardinal.  My boy, my boy who you knew when he was just a little
squirt, he could be a cardinal some day maybe."
     "That's nice," the Jewish man repeated.
     "Well, one day he could become the pope.  The pope!"
     But still the Jewish man only repeatedly blandly, "Ehhh . . . that's
nice."
     Finally the Catholic had reached the end of his rope.  "What do you want
him to be?!" he exclaimed in a loud, exasperated voice, "Jesus Christ?"
     Replied the Jew, "One of our boys made it!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 09:57:06 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Star signs  <sexual - offensive>

No guesses as to the star sign of the person who wrote this!!!!!!!

                 ++++UNKNOWN AUTHOR++++

ARIES:
You tend to be understanding in your actions. Basically you
don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you
couldn't care less. You're the type of personwho'd masturbate at
a wedding.

TAURUS:
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You
get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly
ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI:
Your starsign denotes an air of duality in your character.
Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo.
The type who of person who would kill themselves to win a bet.

CANCER:
You have a business attitude to life and a knack for making
money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relatives
to buy a mobile phone. You are highly likely to be murdered.

LEO:
The adventurous type always looking for thrills and willing
to try anything. In otherwords, stupid. You have the IQ of a
garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most leos are
living on welfare.

VIRGO:
You like the good things in live and you know how to enjoy
them. But you are prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap
bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of women
are whores.

LIBRA:
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This
makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a
complete prick of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO:
You are sharp and a quick thinker and good at puzzles.
However, these are the only good traits. You screw small animals
and love picking your nose. You will always have snot on your
clothes.

SAGGITARIUS:
You're the romantic type and the softhearted and a lover of
the arts. You are likely to import dutch pornography and sex
toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN:
You are deep and personal in your thoughs. The quiet type. A
mean self-centered cunt and closet homosexual. Your best friend
is probably an altarboy.

AQUARIUS:
You're the fun loving type always out for the joke and have
the capability of pulling the piss out of nearly everyone. But
all in all you are definitely the Best Looking Most Superior
Person out of all the Star signs.

PISCES:
You are the eternal optimist seeing the best of any
situation. Yo have no grasp of reality and live in a dream
world. Most people consider you to be the greatest lying moron.
You will continually fail. You're a prick.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 07:30:14 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult, crude

 Little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms.
 He goes up to the druggist and asks, "sir, can you tell me where the
 ribbed condoms are?"
 The druggist replied...
 "son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
 "sure do' replied the boy,"they keep you from getting veneral diseases."
 "O.K." said the druggist, "do you know what the ribs are for??"
 The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the druggist
 and replied...
 "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back
 stand up."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 09:26:43 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cow Chip (offensive to women)

Q: What do cow-chips and women have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 11:45:59 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Outsourcing

CANBERRA, ACT - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of
Canberra and father of two, has announced plans to outsource his children to
a private enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his family's
cost saving effort.  Fyfe said that his request for proposals will go out
very soon, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by Christmas
1997.

Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by
hiring a company which specializes in the field.  He believes that between
the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids put on the
family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as school and
activities, he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he
currently spends on his children.

Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by
non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their
current privileges, Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears.  He held a
family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere
parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown.  This
is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any
parent they meet.  A professional child rearing service would already know
how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent.

The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with
benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at home, with some
benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while others (parental attention)
declining.  The proposal mandates certain "core" benefits, such as food,
clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sport, television)
at the discretion of the contractor.

The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children
initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at
their parent's home; but, as space becomes available offsite, the children
will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are
desperately needed at home (for example, when the yard needs "patrolling").

The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Fyfe told
them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any
personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' on their musical instruments
or talk to, their parents.  This would also allow the kids to visit their
pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of Fyfe's cost cutting spree, which
includes outsourcing the family pet.  Fyfe would not say where he came up
with the idea of outsourcing the children, other than to admit that he and
his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated
the need to raise the family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.

Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised
offsite, Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was
eligible for "outsourcing."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 15:56:58 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: I saw it in the movies

Verisimilitude in the Cinema  by Jim Mica

Yes, yes, we all know that the movies are all about appearances
rather than TRUTH and one must "suspend disbelief" in order to
appreciate them on their own level.  But some movies are on such
a low level that we can enjoy them most by watching for the
strings that they use to suspend the reality which we view as
REAL because we have suspended our disbelief.

Watch an old Tarzan movie and you can sometimes see the actual
wires used to suspend the actors you are trying to believe in.
And, the 'B' movie is not dead!  It can still be found any night
on the premier cable channels.  Awe come on, you don't believe
that HBO/MAX, et al, only put on 'A' material now do you?

So there I sat the other morning in one of my insomniacal
stupors, surfing the channels.  I hit upon a new flick called
"Human Timebomb" from 1996.  It's one of those conspiracy -cum-
explosions flicks where the CIA hatches all sorts of fantastic
plots, there's lots of nifty noisy gadgets and the hero still
must climax the thing by beating the snot out of the villain with
his fists.

In this one our hero is an FBI agent who uncovers a CIA plot in
which microchips and a little bio-engineering are used to create
super soldiers.  Theses are supposed to be completely controlled
and unstoppable quasi-androids.  But, when our hero is subjected
to the treatment he breaks its control and stops the other
unstoppable super soldiers --natch!

So, we have the obligatory scene where the hero talks to a friend
who tells him about the super secret program which uses the
super secret bio-chip that he has taken from a bad guy.

The friend of the hero tells him all this while standing in a
super secret high tech place with lots of obsolete computer tape
drives lining the wall behind her to show that she knows what she
is talking about.  She informs him that the bio- chip will modify
human behavior.  She says something like this (Note: this is
paraphrase except for the things in quotes):

       This chip can completely change some one's behavior.  It
       could change an "Arnold Schwarzennegger" into a timid
       mouse or a "conscientious observer" {SIC!!!} into a raging
       Marine hero.

After hearing that speech, my suspended disbelief came crashing
down to the floor.  How could I possibly believe in the expertise
and knowledge of these clueless X-ers --they had to grow up with
the "All Volunteer Army"--who could garble the phrase
"conscientious objector" into "conscientious observer"?  I have
no idea what a conscientious observer is!  I mean, it doesn't
seem to have anything to do with, say, keeping Kosher.  The
writers put it on the other end of continuum that has glandular

Republicans at one end, but I can't seem to figure out what the
underlying dimension is!

Needless to say, I missed most of the rest of the plot, but did
soon put myself to sleep in trying to figure out this conundrum.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 16:35:15 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Headline: POLICE STATION TOILET SEAT STOLEN

Sub-line: Cops have nothing to go on.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 21:06:21 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS) <Sexual
         Content>

Attention HUMOR participants:

This purpose of this message is to announce the development of a new
software system.  The program is known as the " Manufacturing Information
Access Software System", and is being offered to HUMOR subscribers prior
to being launched in the business and commercial community.

Sometime next week,  MIASS will be exhibited all over the Internet.
These demonstrations will continue throughout the summer so that
everybody out there can get a good look at MIASS.

As for the status of actual implementation of the program,  we have not
addressed the networking aspects of having more than one person on MIASS
at any one time.  This should change as MIASS expands.

Some people involved in the intial pilot program were somewhat afraid of
MIASS.  One of the women on the clerical support staff recently stated,
"I'm very nervous when it comes to putting anything in MIASS." One of our
technicians volunteered to give her a hand and after it was over she
admitted that it was relatively painless!!  She went so far as to also
remark that, "MIASS was superb, compared to some others she had seen and
used!".

We feel certain that as more and more people become familiar with MIASS
and it grows in popularity, especially in the business world,  it will be
very commonplace in companies across the land to see managers handing
employees sheets of paper and exclaiming, "Here, stick this in MIASS!"

This program has already demonstrated great benefits to the companies who
were involved in the testing phases.  Testers and troubleshooters were
amazed at how quickly information could be retrieved using this software.
 When asked how this data could be gathered and organized so quickly, one
of the managers involved proudly stated, "It's very simple really,  I
just pulled it right out of MIASS!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 19:57:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Women

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no
wife to go home to... or they do.

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a serious shortage of
men in Washington DC.  I commented on this fact to my wife and told
her I might just go there.  I added that the article said that men
could earn $50 a night easily as a gigolo.  She smiled and said,"And
exactly how do you intend to live on $150 a month ?"

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital
problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows-I'm never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm,
trim body or my intellect.  She said, "Your sense of humor dear."

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive
driver.  I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's
gonna print her real age.

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he
told her she couldn't make love.  Now, I'm wondering exactly how he
found out.

Sometimes women say the strangest things when ya get them all upset
and flustered.  Just the other day my wife put her hands on her hips
and  said "You're only interested in one thing, and you can't even
remember what the hell it is !"

My wife is so talented.  She does the best bird imitations. She
watches me like a hawk.

----
I'm gargling at the fountain of knowledge

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 22:19:28 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: fishintalk <clean>

A friend returned from Eagle River, WI and brought this poster from
Cathy's ice cream'n candy shoppe & David L. Clark Realty.

WHEN FISHERMEN MEET

"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 23:23:09 EDT
From:    Jena M Bolin <just.jena@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Quick Quiz

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Jul 1997 09:28:22 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Bumper Sticker <clean>

Seen written behind a Maruti van in Mumbai ''Please keep at a safe
distance - I am taking a `crash` course in driving.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 22:01:28 -0700
From:    Paul Nance <pnance@PRIMENET.COM>
Subject: May be mildly suggestive

A man who had been marooned on a small deserted island, was making his
morning walk around the island, searching for any useful items that might
of use that washed ashore.

Then he noticed that there was a yellow something bobbing in the surf, as
he watched it it became obvious that it was a person in a yellow scuba
suit. And as he continued to watch, it became obvious that it was a female
in the scuba suit.

As she approached him pulling back the head cover of the suit, he noticed
she was a good looking blonde female. She walked right up to him.

She asked him, "How long have you been here?" He replied, "It's been ten
years."

She asked him, "How long since you've smoked a good cigar?" He replied,
"It's been ten long years!" She reached around her suit and unzipped a
pocket, and extracted a Havana cigar. Finding another zipper, she produced
a lighter. She handed him the cigar, and lit it as he enhaled. She asked
how the cigar was and he said it was better than he remembered.

She asked him, "How long since you've had a drink?" He replied, "It's been
ten long, long years!!" She reached for another pocket in her suit and
unzipped a small flask, and from an additional pocket, found a whiskey
glass. She poured a shot into the flash and handed it to him. She asked how
it was as he sipped the whiskey and smoked the cigar and he said it was great.

She asked him, "How long since you've played around?" He replied, "It's
been ten long, long, long years!!!" She started to pull down the front
zipper of the scuba suit. He kind of leaned toward her as he looked in
wonder down the front of her suit, and he asked, "You got a set of golf
clubs in there?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jul 1997 to 31 Jul 1997
************************************************
