HUMOR Digest - 29 Jul 1997 to 30 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 453 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Oversexed <adult humor>
  2. Learning the ropes
  3. Wedding Night (Offensive)
  4. Hellish humor <slight language>
  5. Hell <mildly risque>
  6. Sage Advice
  7. Three quickies (some insults to everyone)
  8. HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1997 to 29 Jul 1997
  9. Golf Joke (adult, sexual situation)
 10. The Ultimate Spam
 11. Definitions-Part 5/5
 12. An Interview In India <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 02:51:09 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Oversexed <adult humor>

Suffering from too much Licentiousness ?

... If you're oversexed, you should get married
    Trust me, it'll help ya taper off

... Friend of mind always has sex on his mind
    Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed

... Girl I once knew was really quite a wild lil' lover
    She was able to whip up whitecaps on her waterbed

... I remember one girl from high school sex class
    She WAS the class' homework every nite

... Girl came down with a rare disability --
    an ingrown mattress

... Gifts are tuff to buy for this girl I know --
    I mean, what can ya give someone who's had everyone

... She was so gentle, wouldn't molest a fly --
    unless it was open of course

... She doesn't run after men any more --
    now she roller blades

... Men like her because of her vocabulary --
    "Yes" is the greater part of it

... For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me --
    There's nothing better before a cigarette than sex

... Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right
    Sex IS dirty -- but only if you do it right !

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 06:29:22 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Learning the ropes

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite, on their
wedding night.  As they undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly
man, tosses his pants to his bride and says, "Here, put these on!"

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants!" she said.

"That's right", said the husband, "And don't you forget it!". "I'm the one
who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on".  He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your
attitude changes".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 09:02:52 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Wedding Night (Offensive)

There was a couple getting married and the groom confided to his best
man that he was a virgin and was very nervous about his wedding night.
The best man said, "Get 2 rooms at the hotel.  I'll be in the next room.
They have very thin walls, so if you need help, just shout through the
wall, and I'll yell instructions back."

The new couple were finally in their room after the wedding. The groom
was in the bathroom getting ready, but was still very nervous. The bride
knew he was nervous and so did not want to bother him in the bathroom,
but unfortunately, she had to take a crap. When she couldn't stand it
any longer, she carefully took her veil out of its box and laid it on
the dresser. She then proceeded to squat over the box and do her thing
into the veil box.

Just then, she heard the lock rattle on the bathroom -- her new husband
was coming out! She quickly shoved the veil box under the bed and stood
up. However, she didn't realize that she pushed the box too hard and it
stuck out from under the bed on the other side. The groom had finally
worked up his courage and he walked over to get into bed. Well, he
stepped right in the crap in the veil box.

He looked down, not believing his eyes and exclaimed, "Oh my god, there's
shit in this box!"

Through the wall, he then heard, "ROLL HER OVER!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 08:37:44 -0700
From:    "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: Hellish humor <slight language>

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate
course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and
with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the
sheet:  "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?  Support your answer with
proof."  He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results,
but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
reasonable and consistent reply to his query.

One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law or some variant.

The top student however wrote the following:  First, we postulate that if
souls exist, then they must have some mass.  If they do, then a mole of
souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate are souls moving into hell
and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With
birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There
are two possible conditions:

Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

Conversely, Condition Two:  if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until hell freezes over.

We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl
who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I
have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her,
condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that
condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 12:01:36 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hell <mildly risque>

Joe and Bob died in a hunting accident.  Joe goes to heaven and Bob goes
to hell.  One day Joe looks down at Bob in hell.  Bob has a beer in his
hand and a blonde on his lap.  Joe gets pissed off so he goes to  God and
says, "What is this shit?  I think I want to go to hell!  Just look at my
friend  down there."  God says "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the
bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 12:14:29 -0400
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Sage Advice

Research has shown that married men live longer than single men.

So, for all you single men out there...
If you want a sloowww death ...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 09:52:25 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Three quickies (some insults to everyone)

                           HERE'S THE DRILL

    A woman was in a dentist's chair.  The dentist said, "I'm going to
 have to remove that molar."
    The woman moaned, "Ohhh... I'd rather have a baby!"
    The dentist said, "Make up your mind.  I have to adjust the chair."

Thanks to Jokemaster
			- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                      INTELLIGENCE, NOT REQUIRED

    A girl asked her friend, a dumb blonde, "How is your new
 boyfriend?"
    The blonde replied, "He's nice except for one thing - he changes
 shapes!"
    "What do you mean?! How?"
    The blonde said, "When he leaves the bed after making love, he
 comes back looking entirely different - even his clothes and face
 have changed... and wants to make love again... and this happens
 all during the night!"

Thanks Ungureanu D. Cristian
			- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

  What does it mean when they fly the flag at half mast over the
  post office?

  They're hiring!

Thanks CathyinTX@aol.com


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 17:47:45 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1997 to 29 Jul 1997

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 21:03:21 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Golf Joke (adult, sexual situation)

A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf
every day.

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front.  He sees that this is a woman and,
as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very
attractive.  He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the
round together.

She agrees and a very close match ensues.  She turns out also to be a
very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last
hole.  He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give
her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car.  All in all it's been a
highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course
for a long time.  He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him
her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again.  He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day.  Again they have a magnificent
day,  enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive
round of golf.

Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and
again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home
from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had
such a fine week that he has a surprise planned:  dinner for two at a
fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the
penthouse apartment of a city hotel.  Surprisingly, she bursts into
tears and says she can't agree to this.  He can't figure out what the
fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast.  He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard.
You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 20:02:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Ultimate Spam

Hi, even though I use a man's name online, I'm really a collective of
between 15 and 20 fabuously attractrive young woman all of whom are
seriously interested in fetish culture, modelling, and hot phone sex, we
also give psychic readings, and have a sure fire method where you can earn
between $15,000 and $900,000, no, make that $100,000 every week, all in
the comfort of your own dirt laden hovel. This is a chain letter, if you
do not send it to at least 45,000, no, make that 75,000 people at random,
you will die -- like in the next 5, no make that 3 minutes.

Although we really don't like phone sex, because that's something which
really classy women who advertise on the internet don't do, we'd be
willing to do it for you. You can call us yourself and experience all the
hot chat you want, for just $5, no, make that $45 every 15 seconds. Or
you could just give us your Visa card number, and we will give you
incredibly hot chat until we finish accessing your account.

Our web site has our portfolio on it, and if you have any questions about
the photographs, we will be happy to answer them -- remember they may look
like poorly scanned photographs from Playboy, but that was the artistic
"look" that we were trying to achieve. We are not into S&M, but we know
you probably are, so that's OK with us. We know you are probably very
lonely and desperate, but that's fine. Lonely men with poor grooming
habits who don't go out much really turn us on, until we finish accessing
your account.

But our real love is the mystical world. How many times have you said to
yourself, "I'd really love to get ambiguous, unverifiable advice from a
total stranger over the telephone, for only $97, no make that $142 every
5, no make that 3 milliseconds." We guarantee that if you are willing to
believe what we tell you, your life will take a turn in a very surprising
direction.

And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to earn BIG BUCKS at home
in your spare time, for no more of an investment than it would cost to
purchase a Rolls Royce, no make that two Rolls Royce, because our legal
fees have gone way up due to those 84, no make that 111 fraud suits
against us.

If you are interested in any of these great opportunities call us at
1-800-IM-STUPID. That number, again is 1-800-IM-STUPID, no, make that
1-800-IM-INCREDIBLY-STUPID, and remember, mention your checking account
number, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, 5 minutes of hot phone sex
with a person claiming to be a woman.

Or, check us out on the web at

HTTP://www.lots.of.free.sex/no.really/its.not.a.con.game/honestly

for the absoulute best in racy girlie pics which probably won't get you
thrown in jail anytime within the next fifteen minutes.

For more information about the mystic world of hot pics and conversation
while earning millions of dollars at home, please check us out.


---
Buy some velcro gloves, and get a grip!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 22:46:45 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definitions-Part 5/5

OK, guys, this is it-the final chapter-the Grand finale.

Slipcover:  Maternity dress.
Snow Job:  Something a man uses to defrost a woman.
Spice:  The plural of spouse.
Spinster:  An unlusted number.
Stagnation:  A country of single men.
Stoic:  De boid what brings de babies.
Suburban Husband:  A gardener with sex privileges.
Suicide:  The sincerest form of self-criticism.
Summertime:  The season where there's nothing much on TV OR on the
             girls at the beach.
Sun Bathing:  A fry in the ointment.
Sympathy:  What one woman offers another in exchange for the details.
Synonym:  A word you use when you can't spell the other one.
Taxpayers:  People who don't have to pass a civil servants exam in
            order to work for the government.
Tease:  A girl who is always thnking of a man's happiness-and how
        to prevent it.
Titillate:  A tardy meal for a breast-fed baby.
Trade Relations:  What incestuous couples do at a family reunion.
Transistor:  A girl who used to be your brother.
Transvestite:  A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Urination:  What Israel was told in 1948.
Vicious Circle:  A wedding ring.
Virgin:  A girl who hasn't met her maker.
Wedding Ring:  A one-man band.
Wiener:  The first to cross the line in a Mexican horse race.
Wife:  The woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he
       wouldn't have had if he had stayed single.
Wife-Swapping:  A type of sexual fourplay.
Will:  A dead giveaway.
Window Dresser:  A girl who doesn't pull down the shades.
Winter:  The season when a gentleman befurs a blonde.
Zebra:  The largest size a woman can buy.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Jul 1997 09:24:26 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: An Interview In India <clean>

  My friend had come to Bangalore in search of a software job. The
 current trend in Bangalore is that the HR people in the company listen to
 the techincal part of the interview, gather a few technical words and
 frame their own questions and impress the candidates. One such HR girl in
 some communication software company framed a question and was waiting for
 her chance. When it came she asked" What is the difference between FTP
 and Packet "

  The guy was jinxed and splooshed the interview. Finally when the
 Technical guy in the interview asked the candidate whether he wanted to
 know anything the candidate said "Even if I dont get a job it is O.K.
 but tell me the difference "

  The technical person just to save the HRD Girl and the reputation of
 the company replied, "It is simple ! You can FTP a packet but not packet
 a FTP !!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jul 1997 to 30 Jul 1997
************************************************
