HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1997 to 29 Jul 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 594 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Reluctant Women <adult humor>
  2. thumbsucking <inoff.>
  3. Headache (adult humor)
  4. Sight 'n' sound 'n' scratch 'n' sniff
  5. Gratuity humor
  6. Mothers bragging about their priest-sons. My be offensive to parents of
     priests
  7. Tough,really tough
  8. Cue Ball Right Down the Middle (fwd)
  9. HUMOR: H.S. Thompson quote......
 10. A collection of children's jokes <not offensive>
 11. HUMOR - A Preacher's Lawnmower
 12. Humor - Max, The Gorilla Crime Stopper
 13. Speech Goofs
 14. Definitions (part 4) <adult>
 15. Sex in Q&A Format <sexual content offensive to women>
 16. Who hired the painter????? (Clean)
 17. Innocence <adult>

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Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 04:12:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Reluctant Women <adult humor>

*   "Now sweetheart," soothed the husband to his lil' Yuppette, "you
  remember the therapist suggested that our sex life would be a lot
  better with some spontaneity."
    "Yes." replied his wife, who was naked and blushing with total
  embarrassment, "but I'm not quite sure what to do."
    "To being with, dearest, you might try uncrossing your legs."
                                - - - - -

*   Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
  "Does your wife ever do it doggie style ?" asked the one.
    "Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the
  trick dog aspect of it."
    "Oh, I see, kinky, huh ?"
    "Well... not exactly, whenever I make an overture, she's most
   likely to roll over and play dead."
                                - - - - -

* It was a mixed dormitory.  One night there was a scream, quite a bit
  of yelling, followed by a coed resident seen stomping down the hall
  with one high heel on, and one off.  Naturally, after that, she was
  known as "Hopalong Chastity".
                                - - - - -

* "With all due regard to your genteel upbringing," the GYN told the
  up-tite Yuppette, "it's just not possible for me to perform a proper
  gynecological exam with you in the stirrups sidesaddle."
                                - - - - -

*   After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband
  looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to
  me like that ?"
    "Are you kidding me ???  Do you have any idea how much they pay
  those people to do that ???"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 08:37:58 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: thumbsucking <inoff.>

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.  Finally she tried threats,
warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is
going to blow up like a balloon."  Later that day, walking in the park,
mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench.  The four-year-old
considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ...
I know what *you've* been doing."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 08:37:59 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Headache (adult humor)

A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was
experiencing. The coworker said, "When I have a bad headache, I just lay my
head on my girlfriend's bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really
should try it."

The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, "You know, your
advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night,
I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a
little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 09:02:45 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Sight 'n' sound 'n' scratch 'n' sniff

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch
and her first perfume.  She really made a pest of herself throughout the
morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their
ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's
mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once
more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just
when the desert was being served.  She wanted to make sure that the
preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:  "If you hear
anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 08:56:55 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Gratuity humor

You know you've undertipped the steward when you yell for a lifesaver after
falling overboard and he yells back "What flavor?"

<Lifesavers, sold in the USA, are a hard round candy with a hole in the
middle, hence they are called lifesavers. Lifesaver candies are very popular
with people of all ages in North America>

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 09:22:30 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Mothers bragging about their priest-sons. My be offensive to parents
         of priests

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their
sons, each of whom is a priest.  First mother says, "My son
is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people
greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'"

Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people
greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"

Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people
greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"

The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six
feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle.
When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 11:59:40 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Tough,really tough

        One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.  "I'm
lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he
said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep.  "She's upstairs
in the second room on the right."
        The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room
looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked,
bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that
position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought
you might like to open those beers first."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 14:51:31 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Cue Ball Right Down the Middle (fwd)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes  and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the
cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate it!", says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"

>From Christian Southwick

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 14:55:07 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: H.S. Thompson quote......

"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas......With the music at
top volume and at least a pint of ether...."

H.S. Thompson....."Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 15:57:59 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: A collection of children's jokes <not offensive>

A precocious child of about 7 or 8 wrote all of these down for me.

Why did Mickey Mouse go to space?
To find Pluto!

Once a man put broccoli up his nose, cucumber on his eyes and carrots in
his ears. Then he went to his doctor and said, "I don't feel well".
The doctor said, "That's because you're eating wrong!"

What do Disney toons drive in?
A mini van.

Why did the giraffe cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida!

Why did the clown tell jokes to the egg?
Because he wanted to crack it up!

Why do golfers bring an extra pair of pants?
Just in case one of them gets a hole in one!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 15:04:48 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - A Preacher's Lawnmower

A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street
with a "For Sale" sign on it.  A man stopped him asked if the mower
would run.  The boy told him it would so the man bought it.  A while
later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling
repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.  The man noticed the
boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!" The boy
said, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start." The
Man said, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!" The
boy replied, "You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come
to you!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 17:11:28 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Max, The Gorilla Crime Stopper

           Max reaps rewards of courage under fire.

(CNN)(c) -- Max, South Africa's unlikeliest crime stopper, has gotten his due.
 The Johannesburg Zoo this weekend threw a party for the gorilla hero, who
won the admiration of crime haters and animal lovers everywhere when he
tackled a robbery suspect and braved three .38-caliber bullets.

 At the weekend festivities, the gorilla's admirers had a chance to buy Max
paraphernalia and scope out the celebrity up close. As for the ape of
honor, he celebrated with an ice block of fruit and vegetables.

 Why all the fuss? Earlier this month Max made a monkey of a robbery
suspect who had the poor judgment to try and hide in the cave where Max
lives with his mate Lisa.

 The man fired three shots at Max, two of which struck him in the chest,
enraging the protective primate. Max got hold of the suspect and didn't let
go until a policeman showed up and turned a fire extinguisher on him.

 Max, however, had a hard time distinguishing between the good and bad guys
and wound up biting a policeman's buttocks during the struggle. Max still
has a bullet lodged in his chest, and the police officer is recovering well
from the scuffle.  But the authorities don't hold any grudge. Thanks to the
ape, after all, they got their man. He's now behind bars, a boost for
Johannesburg's overworked and underpaid police force, which has been under
fire for its low arrest rate.

 And Max's courage under fire did not go unnoticed. Johannesburg police
made the gorilla a reservist. As a token of their appreciation, they gave
him a special bullet-proof vest. Fit for a gorilla, of course.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 18:38:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Speech Goofs

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." - George Bush,
during his first presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" - Richard Nixon, while attending
Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm the President.  It would be pretty hard for some drug
guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?...I
bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost.  We don't want any
of that.'" - George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of
students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.
We've had triumphs. Made mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks."
- George Bush.

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy.  But that could change." - Dan Quayle.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as Governor of Baltimore -
that is, Maryland." - William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 21:09:55 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definitions (part 4) <adult>

Pessimist/Optimist:  A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.
                     An optimist is one who hopes so.
Peyote:  A tranch plant.
Picnic and Panic (the difference between):  Twenty-eight days.
Piece de Resistance:  A French virgin.
Pimp: A snatch purser.
Poise:  Raising only one eyebrow on your first trip to the nudist camp.
Political Moderator:  A guy who makes enemies left and right.
Polyunsaturated:  A dry parrot.
Potholder:  What you don't want to be when the cops arrive.
Practical Nurse:  One who falls in love with a wealthy patient.
Pregnancy:  Taking seriously something that was poked in fun.
Prostitue:  A busy body.
Puritan:  A man who no's what he likes.
Pylon:  What a nymphomaniac says a a nude beach party.
Racehorse:  An animal that can take several thousand people for
            a ride at one time.
Race Track:  A place where windows clean people.
Ramification:  What made Mary have a little lamb.
Relay:  The second time around.
Repeal:  A stripteaser's encore.
Sadist:  A person who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wristwatch.
Safety Belt:  The one you don't drink before driving home.
Salesmanship:  The difference between rape and rapture.
Score Pad:  A bartchelor's apartment.
Sex:  The most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex Drive:  Trying to find a motel that has a vacancy.
Shebang:  A girl who can't say no.
Shotgun Wedding:  A case of wife or death.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 22:17:58 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex in Q&A Format <sexual content offensive to women>

SEX RIDDLES Q&A FORMAT

 Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
 A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

 Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
 A: A bingo machine.

 Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
 A: A spreader of old wives' tails...

 Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
 A: They have shaky hands!

 Q: What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
 A: A chin rest.

 Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
 A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

 Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
 A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

 Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
 A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
 A: An armadildo.

 Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
 A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

 Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
 A: Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly
      ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to
      her, "This is the way your sister likes it too." You have eight seconds

      to stay in the saddle.

 Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
 A: It changes their blood type.

 Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
 A: Come in eight flavors.

 Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
 A: She gets her ass chewed out.

 Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
 A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

 Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
 A: Because it's easier to spell than
     Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

 Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
 A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

 Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
 A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

 Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
 A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

 Q: What is 69 squared?
 A: Dinner for 4.

 Q: What is 68?
 A: You do me and I owe you one.

 Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
 A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the
      whole chicken.

 Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
 A: A teabag.

 Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
 A: About three inches.

 Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,
      what do you have?
 A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

 Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife
       wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
 A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

 Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
 A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

 Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
 A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

 Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
 A: You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

 Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
 A: In case you miss.

 Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
 A: When he eats his first Brownie.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 22:39:41 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Who hired the painter????? (Clean)

Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he
was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer,
richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman.
Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told
Stosh, "Yeah, I have a job for ya.  How would you like to paint the
porch?"

"Sure, that sounds great !" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you
want me to pay you ?"said the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right ?" Stosh asked.

"Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need
in the garage."  The man went back into his house to his wife, who had
been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?"
asked the wife. "Well he must, he was standing right on it !"  her
husband replied.

About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to  pay Stosh.

"Oh, by the way," said Stosh, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 29 Jul 1997 10:30:37 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Innocence <adult>

      A Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is
      given some word of  advise and warning by her mother; "Look
      darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't
      you ever let him;
      (1 )- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will
      shrivel.
      (2) - or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
      shatter.
      (3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
      "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.
      The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mum waits and waits
      until just after midnight when she's back.
      "How was it" asks mum.
      "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"
      "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
      "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
      careful not to hurt or harm me!"
      "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
      "Not exactly mum, see it was like that.
      First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and
      he  stopped. Then  he went to touch my breast and again I told him
      what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt
      close to the private part and I told him what you said and he then
      took his hands out and said surprised; "What a coincidence, I happen
      to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would  love to put it in your
      "Grill" to cook" !!!!
      "WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no
      different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too,
      didn't you?".
      "Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very
      careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and
      then he took it out and had me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1997 to 29 Jul 1997
************************************************
