HUMOR Digest - 27 Jul 1997 to 28 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 396 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. State of the USA
  2. psychic hotline <inoff>
  3. Adultery <adult themes>
  4. Microsoft@Tenn.com (not offensive)
  5. BORED FROM BOTH SIDES
  6. Definitions-Part 3
  7. kids <inoff>
  8. Humor - Faux Faulkner Contest
  9. Russian new rich humor
 10. Golf Genie {sexually suggestive}
 11. Blind Man (may be offensive to blind)
 12. Is this a bug? Or a feature?

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Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 02:58:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: State of the USA

* Isn't this a crazy country we live in ?  I mean people are working
  day and nite to pay for a big house they're never in, full of labor
  saving devices they never use and TV's with 117 channels they never
  have time to watch.
                                - - - - -

* Have any of you ever watched these news/information shows on TV
  every Sunday.  They get a panel of experts together and discuss
  stuff.  Why is it they never discuss anything we all could benefit
  from though -- like should the potato chips be thicker and heavier
  or the dips thinner and looser.
                                - - - - -

* All my life I've heard that it's a "Man's World".  Right !  When us
  men are born, people ask how the Mother is doing.  When us guys get
  married, who gets all the presents and showers ?  And when we die,
  who is it exactly who lives it up on the insurance money ???
                                - - - - -

* And all the support groups these days.  Even the old stand-bys like
  Alcoholics Anonymous are thriving.  I never did understand though
  how drinking under an assumed name helped anything.
                                - - - - -

* And these computers -- how amazing they are to me.  My accountant
  set-up a triple entry program for me.  One spreadsheet shows the
  true state of my financial affairs; the second is used to prove to
  Mrs. JimJr that we don't have any money at all; and the last is for
  the Feds to prove that I've been practicing deficit spending for years.
                                - - - -

* This country is so full of opportunity though.  I mean where else can
  a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the
  Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 07:18:51 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: psychic hotline <inoff>

 A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are
  going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know
  everything about you."  The frog said, "That's great! Will I
  meet her at a party, or what?"
  "No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 10:49:50 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Adultery <adult themes>

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the  back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:  "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
       name  Marylou written on it?"

Man:  "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
       races?   Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man:  "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 10:47:49 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Microsoft@Tenn.com (not offensive)

How things would be different if Microsoft's Headquarters was in Tennessee

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
   and some duct tape.

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"
   instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjoes

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear "Freebird!"

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be
   "Achey-Breaky Heart"

9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"

10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

12. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates

16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" Scheme

17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a
    12 gauge

18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver

19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters- "Down the road a block or so"

20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker "Hookt on fonics werk
    4 me"

21. Development of Family Tree software would be replaced by the Family
    Straight Line

22. New corporate dress code - no shoes allowed

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 09:50:46 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: BORED FROM BOTH SIDES

Thanks to Mort Drazen

The traveling preacher, giving the same sermon for the umpteenth time, found
himself bored even as he spoke.  Forgetting himself, he scratched an itchy
testicle behind the lectern as he intoned the words, "Remember we come this
way but once..."
The bored cynic in the congregation yelled, "That's okay, Rev.  There are a
lotta other ways to have sex."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 16:09:42 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definitions-Part 3

Legal Secretary:  Any girl over eighteen.
Lesbian Cocktail Lounge:  A her-she bar.
Liquor Store:  A stupor market.
Locomotive: A crazy reason for doing anything.
Love Letter:  A noose paper.
Lovers Leap:  The distance between two twin beds.
Madam:  Someone for whom the belles toil.
Man Hater:  A girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can't
stand to see a guy having a good time.
Marriage:  The evil aye.
Maternity Dressmaker:  A mother frocker.
Mermaid:  A bottomless girl in a topless suit.
Meteorologist:  A man who can look into a girls eyes and predict whether.
Minute-Man:  A guy who double parks in front of the whore house.
Mistress:  Halfway between a mister and a mattress.
Motel:  A love-inn.
Mourner:  Same as a 'nooner'-only sooner.
Nice Girl:  One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear.
Nudism:  Exposure with composure.
Nudist Camp:  A place where the peeling is mutual.
Nudist Colony:  A place where men and women air their differences.
Nymphomania:  A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.
Optimist:  A husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if
           his has expired.
Oral Contraceptive:  The word "no".
Orgasm:  The gland finale.
Oriental Grocery Clerk:  A Chinese checker.
Pajamas:  Item of clothing laid by the bed in case of fire.
Paranoid:  A couple interrupted by a cop in lover's lane.
Peeping Tom:  A window fan.
Penicillin:  What to give a man who has everything.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 18:30:42 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: kids <inoff>

Observing a woman shepherding a large group of kids through the park, a
passerby asked her, "Are all of those *your* kids, or is this some sort of
picnic?"
     The woman replied, "They're all mine . . . and I assure you, it's *no*
picnic!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 19:18:47 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Faux Faulkner Contest

Copyright-Associated Press,

 The winning entry in the 1997 Jack Daniel's Faux Faulkner Contest,
 written by Stanford University lecturer Wendy Goldberg.

 ``Dyin' to Lie Down''

 ``father says victory is an illusion he would say that wouldn't he that had
 never won so much as a cross-eyed kewpie doll at a two bit raree show
 or a dimestore trophy in a third-rate turkey-shoot let alone a crown of
 laurel halo of honeysuckle in a first class feat of first class feet - the
 fourteenth Boston Marathon thinks Sprintin' wheeling and careering
 through sprawling city streets whose sentient cement synapses register
 the tumult of talcumed toes (ten of 'em) that had heretofore trod (but
 would nevermore trudge) the humble hamlets and earthy enclaves of
 Yoknerpatoffy County but now find themselves pounding pavement
 prodigiously pockmarked with potholes that had probably come over with
 the Pilgrims along with the Sox and the pox ... that what they larned you
 up at Havahd father winks and shakes his head that tarnished temple of
 too-much-talk where sour-faced summa cum lately dispense earfuls of
 errant nonsense to packs of precocious young pups ... i say O how the
 mighty have fallen london bridge and my aching arches ... but the South
 shall rise again

 they came out of nowhere and without warning like an onslaught of acne
 on a homecoming queen, shades of Sherman shellacking Atlanta: a phalanx
 of foot soldiers forging fearlessly forward, legions of the lean, the best
 of the buff; a host of heroes, a galaxy of gods they were!: any number of
 nimble Nikes, assorted Atalantas, and a myriad middle-aged Mercuries
 meting out punishment to the muscles merely mortal; sweeping me up in
 a tide of toe-flexing Titans (trailing glory and Little Sister Time), a
 vortex of vibrating vertebrae, an army of appendages assiduously
 advancing whose collective capacity for maximum motion makes the Indy
 500 look like a tinker-toy tourney, bringing something of the glory that
 was Greece to the ballyhooed bastion of Yankee ingenuity - built on equal
 parts brains and ``blustah'' (as the locals say) - that is Boston: bona fide
 birthplace of baked beans

 and all that I have ever known or felt remembered or believed or jest
 plain read about in that feller Faulknah's fast-paced fiction, and all
 whom I have ever loved or pittied (or parodied), every burden I have borne
 (along with these six-pound flat-irons), everybody I have bored
 (especially St. Shreve), all keep pace with me today, stride for stride -
 breath for breath ... Why, there's shoeless Joe Kickmiss! - a speed-demon
 in spandex - with the Right Reverend Highjump drawing nigh; Thomas
 Shotput shoots by shouting chasin' ragin' Charlie Bonsai - the better to
 bid him get lost!; which he (Bon) is and will remain, since Miss Rosie
 Ruiz-Coldfeet - our Lady of the Trolley - shamelessly shanghaied Charlie
 on the MTA (did he ever return) ... As I wipe my brow, take my bow, and
 ease my toes, Addie Bunion looks at me funny ... so I axes her right-kind
 (but with a groan): Did you ever have a blistah? Did you? Did you!''

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 20:30:25 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Russian new rich humor

Andrew Cockburn reports the following humor (recorded in his recent Conde
Naste Traveler article "Russian Roulette"):

A New Russian phones the Mercedes dealer and orders a new 600. "One thing,"
he tells the dealer. "I want the doors to be color of Bordeaux." "Okay,"
says the dealer, "but it will cost extra." A few days later the man calls
the dealer again. "I've decided I want the whole bodywork Bordeaux." Then he
calls again. "Make the interior Bordeaux as well." Finally, the dealer calls
to say the car is ready. "All Bordeaux?" "All Bordeaux." "Oh great, I just
love that shade of green."

The New Russian tells a friend sporting a new thousand-dollar Versace tie:
"Anatoly, you should have called me. I could have gotten it for your for two
thousand."

A lady from the irish Trade Mission is adamant that when she recently
received a call from a store owner complaining that a five-thousand-dollar
billiard table in his store was not selling, she jokingly suggested he
reprice it at fifty-thousand. It sold in a week.

"Mr. Tsereteli, how is it that you always win the competitions for the
[monument] projects in Moscow?" "Because I am the best," he answered in
sincere surprise.

What I finally asked Tsereteli as he uncorked another bottle of Georgian
wine, did he think of the numerous critics of his work. "They are enemies of
the state," he snapped, without a trace of humor in his voice.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 21:16:54 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Golf Genie {sexually suggestive}

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,
lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch
out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how
much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you
the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant
three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what
do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the
wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 27 Jul 1997 22:14:02 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Blind Man (may be offensive to blind)

A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some
shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started
swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to
the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the
blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 28 Jul 1997 00:45:26 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Is this a bug? Or a feature?

Netscape crashes on me every so often because I'm running an old version of
SunOS.

Interestingly, it consistently crashes if I try to go to the Microsoft
Internet Explorer web page


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jul 1997 to 28 Jul 1997
************************************************
