HUMOR Digest - 26 Jul 1997 to 27 Jul 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 253 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Wedding
  2. driving test <inoff>
  3. Golfing [Not offensive]
  4. Headlines to Come
  5. clean for a change
  6. Definitions <adult>

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Date:    Sat, 26 Jul 1997 04:02:47 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Wedding

* My son Jim III (aka "JimJr Jr") is planning his wedding next month
  with his intended, Bonnie.  Now I'm not saying this is gonna be a
  fancy wedding or anything, but you know how at most of the formal
  receptions they have finger bowls ???   Well, none of that for these
  two -- they're gonna have portable showers for all the guests.
                                - - - - -

* We've already given them two books in advance of the wedding:
    1) "How to Make Your Marriage Work" (and the sequel)
    2) "How to Make Your Mate Work"
                                - - - - -

* These upcoming nuptials take me back to my own wedding to Mrs. JimJr,
  when I took her to be my awful wedded wife.
                                - - - - -

* Naturally, they have their license already.  Have any of you ever
  considered the fact that the Marriage License issued by all cities
  and counties are the only licenses they issue that never expire.
                                - - - - -

* Like most people, I'm always in awe of the Bridal Gown and sometimes
  even the Bridesmaids' fancy dresses and bright cheerful colors. Being
  a man though, I can understand why the groom wears black.
                                - - - - -

* The kids of today though.  They say our generation overrates sex.  I
  swear though, I don't even want to think about where everything else
  stands in whatever-in-the-hell rating system they're all using.
                                - - - - -

* I can understand his need to get married though.  I mean think about
  all the things that happen that you can't blame on the government.
                                - - - - -

* My son's gonna gain a whole new family in his in-laws.  It's kinda
  like seeds -- they come with the tomato whether you like them or not.

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Date:    Sat, 26 Jul 1997 07:10:48 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: driving test <inoff>

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
   same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
   don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
   lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
   yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 22:22:00 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Golfing [Not offensive]

Three business men are out for a Friday afternoon of golf. As they
begin to tee off at the first hole, the starter comes out and asks
if they would mind having a fourth join them. They agree and are
surprised to see a very healthy and attractive college girl walking out
of the clubhouse.

The three men are all good golfers and, so, are ready to
impart their wisdom to the young lady, but they are shocked when she
steps to the men's tee instead of the lady's and proceeds to drive 250
yards straight down the fairway.

She smiles and offers up the tee to the next player.  The day goes by
and all are having a good time and great rounds of golf when they come
to the 18th green. The girl is about 20 feet away and is looking at her
putt.

She says to the men, "You know, I have had a lot of fun today, and
having played with you has made my game so much better. In fact, if
I sink this putt it will be the first time I have ever broken par.
If one of you gentleman can tell me how, I will spend the rest of
the weekend with you showing how grateful I am."

The three men look at each other and one says, "I had this putt on
Wednesday, it breaks about two feet to the right and is very quick."
He smiles at the other two men.

The second man says, "Actually, I had this same  putt yesterday, and
if you send it too slow it will break two and a half feet from this
point to that one." He smiles at the first man and nods to the third.

The third man looks at both of them and then at the girl. He walks
over to the ball, picks it up, tosses it to the girl, smiles and says,
"It's a gimme."
			================

RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user

"To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so"

"You're only young once; you can be immature forever"

"A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it."

"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. "

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Jul 1997 13:03:49 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Headlines to Come

 "WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES, HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?"
 [From 0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org]

 USA Today:
 WE'RE DEAD

 The Wall Street Journal:
 DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

 National Enquirer:
 O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

 Playboy:
 GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

 Microsoft Systems Journal:
 APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

 Victoria's Secret Catalog:
 OUR FINAL SALE

 Sports Illustrated:
 GAME OVER

 Wired:
 THE LAST NEW THING

 Rolling Stone:
 THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

 Readers Digest:
 'BYE

 Discover Magazine:
 HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY
 WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

 TV Guide:
 DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

 Lady's Home Journal:
 LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

 America Online:
 SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

 Inc. magazine:
 TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

 Microsoft's Web Site:
 IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH
 RAPT777.EXE.

 Sun:
 ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

 NBC News:
 THE END IS NIGH. FIRST, THESE MESSAGES...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Jul 1997 20:23:52 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: clean for a change

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order.
 He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.  Looking in
it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.  Sy tries it on and it's a little
tight on him.  Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes
up with a ticket.  Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's
on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942.  He can barely believe it.  An
unclaimed ticket 55 years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to
see where the shoe repair was.  He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair
store is still there.  He wanders in and tells the story of finding the
ticket to the old man.  The man says his name is Herman and has owned the
shop for 60 years.  "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of
the shop.
Sy is amazed.  What good fortune!  What a coincidence!  Only in America!
Herman comes back.  "I've got your shoes.  They'll be done tomorrow!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 26 Jul 1997 21:26:07 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definitions <adult>

Acute Alcoholic:  An attractive drunk.
Adolescence:  The age between puberty and adultery.
Adultery:  When a husband is too good to be true.
Alcoholic:  A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Alimony:  The high cost of leaving.
Artificial Insemination:  Copulation without representation.
Automated:  A couple making love in a car.
Avalanche:  A mountain getting its rocks off.
Bar Stool:  What Daniel Boone stepped in.
Brothel:  Home is where the tart is.
Calculated Risk:  A computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.
Castration:  A eunuch experience.
Censor:   One who sticks his no's into other peoples business.
Cherry Cobbler:  A virgin shoemaker.
Chivalry:  A man's inclination to save a woman from everyone but himself.
Clear conscience:  Poor memory.
Cobra:  Bra worn by Siamese twins.
Compulsive Gambler:  A guy who wouuld rather lay a bet.
Condominium:  A condom for midgets.
Contrceptive:  A labor saving device to be worn on every conceivable
               occasion.
Conversation Piece:  A girl who likes to talk in bed.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jul 1997 to 27 Jul 1997
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