HUMOR Digest - 25 Jul 1997 to 26 Jul 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 331 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Odd Couples <adult humor>
  2. Light Bulb Q&A's  <clean>
  3. Let's Compare
  4. New Yorkers <inoff>
  5. Atheist
  6. Light/Hard (adult humor)
  7. protection (suggestive language)
  8. New Careers for Joe Camel
  9. The Price of Things (light sexual)
 10. Definitions (Part 2)
 11. HUMOR - MIR Update

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 03:55:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Odd Couples <adult humor>

*   Two couples were neighbors, close friends for years; partying
  together, vacationing together, wrapped up in each other's lives.
  Suddenly, the one husband ran off with the neighbor's wife.
    The cuckolded couple couldn't believe what their spouses did.
  "Your husband and my wife... running away... they left us." moaned
  the man on the telephone, almost crying.
    She said, "Come on over and have a drink.  It'll calm us down."
  While they're cheering each other up, she says, "Let's get revenge.
  Let's go up to the bedroom."
    Well, after about an hour of wild, uninhibited sex, they decide to
  have a few more drinks.
    "How could they deceive us that way ?  You know what we should do,
  get more revenge to relieve our frustrations." said the man.
    Again, they go up to the bedroom, and the sex is even ruffer and
  more satisfying.  They come downstairs and start drinking again and
  then back to the bedroom for yet more revenge.  It's now past midnite
  the woman is no longer even dressed.  Her hair is disheveled, she's
  drunk, tired and ready for sleep.
    The man though is still ready for more of the wildest sex he's had
  in ten years.  He suggests more vengeance.
    The woman, barely able to hold her glass wearily says, "Good God !!!
  Haven't we held a grudge long enough ???"
                                - - - - -

*   Two couples meet for dinner at a restaurant.  The husbands each own
  and operate software companies.  All thru the meal, each is telling
  the other of canceled contracts, best employees quitting, equipment
  problems and on and on.  During dessert each claims they may not even
  make it thru the year.
    On the way home, there's an identical conversation in each of their
  cars.  The wives want to know why they had lied, when things had never
  been better with each of their businesses.
    Each husband had an identical response "What did it hurt to make him
  happy for the evening ?"

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 12:23:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Light Bulb Q&A's  <clean>

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb, and four to yank the ladder out
      from under him.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two:  One to turn the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
      with multicolored clocks.

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 07:33:23 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Let's Compare

 A man goes into an empty bar and orders a beer, and as he's walking
 around he sees a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10"
 from one edge. Next to each line there are initials. So the man says to
 the bartender "What are all those marks on that table?", "It's a game the
 locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can
 and mark a line." This man is hung like a horse and reckons he can beat
 all the lines he's seen and asks if he can have a go, "sure" came the
 reply. As he pulled out his dick it's a clear winner by about 3".  He
 starts to mark his line down when the bartender said "No mate, the locals
 start from the other side"

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 07:47:01 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Yorkers <inoff>

A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner
   reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now
   passing over the Grand Canyon.  He looked down for a few
   seconds and then went back to his magazine.
The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."
The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen
   them all!"

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 08:20:04 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Atheist

Q: What do they say about an atheist at his funeral?

A: All dressed up with no place to go.

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 08:20:17 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Light/Hard (adult humor)

Q: what's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can get to sleep with a light on!

Credit: Simon Morris
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 06:57:07 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: protection (suggestive language)

[Thanks to Shelly Gibson]

A priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church
member whom he had not seen for some years.  She welcomed him into the
parlor.  While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump
organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was half filled
with water and a condom was floating on top of it.  Astonished and shocked,
he quickly turned away.  But after tea curiosity got the best of him and he
asked her about it.

"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically.  "While in town last year I found a
package on the sidewalk.  The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put
on your organ to prevent disease.'  And you know, I think it works.  I
haven't had a cold all winter."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 10:05:23 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: New Careers for Joe Camel

              The Top 16 New Careers for Joe Camel

16> Spokescamel for "Double Hump" brand condoms.

15> Takes over for lame Matt LeBlanc as Joey on "Friends."

14> Working for the city filling potholes with tar hacked up from
    his own lungs.

13> Not wanting to leave the lucrative cancer market, Joe signs on
    with Hawaiian Tropic.

12> Overpaid administrative assistant for tobacco industry "friend",
    Senator Jessie Helms.

11> Snapped up by Cadbury, he's now Joe Caramello.

10> Back to being just another big, dumb, flea-ridden, ill-tempered
    pack animal.

 9> Now known as Joe Crack -- "Please don't tell me *this* stuff
    is bad for you, too!!"

 8> Spitting on the tourists at Disneyland France

 7> Stunt double for Bea Arthur

 6> Watch Frank very closely.  Report back to Kathie Lee every
    couple of hours.

 5> New California TV ad says, "Joe Bud has just the prescription
    for you!"

 4> Convince Michael you're a giraffe.  Get cushy gig at
    Wonderland Ranch where you can still work with kids.

 3> Pitching new cereals -- "NicoPuffs" and "NicoPuffs with Butts"

 2> Retired to the rendering plant, Joe becomes the "smoky
    goodness" in 1,000 bags of pet food.

    and the Number 1 New Career for Joe Camel...

 1> "J. Camel - Private Dick"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 09:30:06 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: The Price of Things (light sexual)

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm  actually a hooker and
I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After they were done, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 19:46:04 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definitions (Part 2)

Death:  Natures way of telling us to slow down
Debate:  What lures de fishes.
Divorce Court:  A hall of blame.
Egotist:  A guy who suffers from I strain.
Entrance Exam:  Precoital check-up.
Executive suite:  A sugar daddy.
Exhibitionist:  A person who discards three aces in strip poker.
Exotic Dancer:  A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
False Pregnancy:  Laboring under a misconception.
Feast of the Vestal Virgins:  Cherries jubilee.
Football Game:  A sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a
                fifth.
Genius:  A nudist with a memory for faces.
Gigolo:  A fee-male.
Glass:  Chinese marijuana.
Gold Digger:  A girl who breaks dates by going out with them; a gal who
              believes in sinner take all.
Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.
Happily Married Couple:  Husband out with another mans wife.
Henpecked Husband:  One who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is
                    sterile.
Home Cooking:  The place many a man thinks his wife is.
Homosexual:  A man's man.
Horizon:  A call girl hopping out of bed.
Hungarian:  A very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana.
Impotence:  Emission impossible.
Incest:  A sport the whole family can enjoy.
Jamaica:  Question usually asked of a fraternity man when he returns from a
          date.
Jury:  A group of twelve people selected to decide which side has the best
       attorney.

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Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 23:58:35 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - MIR Update

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly
excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal
more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship
between weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with
faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA
head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable
conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are
reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a
June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr
module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected
cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a
shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian
mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used
the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the
patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of
space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere,
something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale
told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian
cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the
chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an
experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red
siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts
them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such
variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.


*THe MoRe YoU LeaRN, THe MoRe YoU FiND HoW STuPiD YoU aRe'
                                              -=SoCRaTeS=-

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jul 1997 to 26 Jul 1997
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