HUMOR Digest - 24 Jul 1997 to 25 Jul 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 679 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Over the Hill <some adult humor>
  2. Geek Theology
  3. JOKE CLEAN: Computer outsmarted us...
  4. Joke-Rated:Doorknob
  5. Seminars for Males and Females <of. to both>
  6. Scrotum Self-Repair
  7. The physics of Hell
  8. thread from rec.climbing <suggestive>
  9. Bandits
 10. More on Marketing blunders <Poss. off but True>
 11. Chippie (clean)
 12. Confucious
 13. Venting or more one-line observation about current events
 14. HUMOR: Death by Guiness...
 15. The Model <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 03:53:12 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Over the Hill <some adult humor>

You know you're over the hill when:

... you worry because you don't have any symptoms

... your sex drive has turned into more of a "putt"

... you spend more time on the menu than the waitress

... your keyboard cable is still kinky and you're not

... you pay for sex and get a refund

... you feel your corns more than you do your oats

... your actions creak louder than your words

... you wake up in the middle of the nite tired and lustless

... you know "where it's at", but forgot why it's there

... you know how to spell gastroenterologist

... your biological urges are more like occasional nudges

... you have to attend porno flicks with an interpreter

... you don't have any enemies because you've outlived them all

... you don't date women your own age, because there aren't any

... you have to use tenderizer to eat all your Cream of ____  soups

... "Happy Hour" now consists of a nap

... you remember what you did yesterday by what hurts today

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 13:39:06 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Geek Theology

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was.
(In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and
"active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read
the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter)
reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately
realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand
and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit.
Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by
performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most
Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation
delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the
sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into
the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:59:59 +0200
From:    Alar Pardla <alar@EL.EE>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Computer outsmarted us...

A funny thing that actually happened to me & our company unix-guru.

Some time ago I registered domain of my own, named fun.ee
I set up the www pages and thought also to rename my computer
"internet name" to fun.ee domail. As my computer is a pretty slow old
486/66 i thought to name it "this-is-not". When you combine the
machine name with my domain name, you get "this-is-not.fun.ee" (what
exactly describes my feelings about working with this machine)

Well, some time later, i decided to install Linux in my computer - so
I can try some "risky" unix-linux things on my machine and not on our
company internet server. In few hours, afrer few setbacks and a lot
of help from our unix-guru, we finally got Linux running on my
machine. Big was our surprise, when we saw on the monitor something
like this:	RedHat Linux ver 2.0.1 (c) 1997
		this-is-not login:

If this isnt login prompt, what is it???


http://www.fun.ee/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:19:00 PDT
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Rated:Doorknob

This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to
work when the husband looked at his wife and said "I gotta have
you!" and then he backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled
down her panties and nailed her.  When he finished he started
putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around
against the door and he asked "What's wrong honey, didn't you
come, you want more?"
His wife said "No, no, its not that, I'm trying to get the
doorknob out of my asshole!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 09:01:09 -0400
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: Seminars for Males and Females <of. to both>

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
 2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
 3. Elementary Map Reading
 4. Crying and Law Enforcement
 5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
 6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
 7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
 8. The Seven-Outfit Week
 9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine
         ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Fill Up With Your Own Petrol
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

 1. Combatting  Stupidity
 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
 3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
 9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass  When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if  IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You
    (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits"  From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home


http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 11:13:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Scrotum Self-Repair

 This was sent to me by a medical associate

 One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
 directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other
 than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's problems."
 The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and
 had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of
 torn, black and blue scrotal skin.

 After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove
 his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained
 gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of
 a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and
 blood, extended down the left scrotum.

 Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I
 saw  some half buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they
 were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the
 machine  shop where he worked and he had closed the laceration himself
 with a heavy duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one inch staples
 of the type used to put up wall board.

 We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to
 the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad spectrum antibacterial
 therapy, and hexachloro-phene sitz baths prior to surgury the next
 morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement (removal
 old dead skin) of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rust staples
 were retrieved and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left
 testis had been avulsed (ripped or torn out) and was missing. The stump
 of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and
 the vessels litigated (tied off) properly, though not much of a hematoma
 (pocket of blood) was present. Through and through Penrose drains (7)
 were sutured loosely in site and teh skin loosely closed.

 Convalescence was uneventful and before his release from hospital less
 than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An
 unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime
 with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular
 practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive
 belt of a large floor based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached
 orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When
 his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive
 belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that
 he had lost his left testis and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he
 stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

 I can only assume that he has abandoned this method of self
 gratification."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 11:37:42 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The physics of Hell

Supposedly a true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are
souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio
of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

Notes:

* endothermic (adj) characterized by the absorption of heat. Things that seem
  cold to the touch are said to be endothermic.

* exothermic (adj) characterized by the release of heat. Things that seem hot
  to the touch are said to be exothermic.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 18:07:21 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: thread from rec.climbing <suggestive>

Original Post:

Hi all.  My friend really likes to gym climb, but he has, for
lack of a better term, a small "package".  Unfortunately, the
way the harnesses pull up tight when he's being lowered, it
becomes pretty obvious.  He is pretty self conscious about this,
and needless to say, the girls in the gym ignore him, even
though he's a good looking guy.  Can anybody help him out?
Perhaps recommendations on harnesses that don't pull so much?
Or items that could be added to increase bulk? Thanks for
helping out.  My friend will appreciate it.


Response:
---------

I'm sure you'll get more advice from those experienced in
lycra-stuffing, but here's my amateur advice:

1) A cucumber could add a lot of bulk, but it'll make your
   friend will look like he's excited all the time.

2) You want a pretty firm object; most vegetables are good, but
   avoid softies like tomatos (or is it tomatoes?) or fruits like
   bananas.

   Also, while he might be tempted to use meat to supplement his
   own, remember that meat doesn't hold it's shape well and will
   probably leak unsightly juices down your friend's
   leg--definitely not a turn on.  (Well, I guess it could be a
   turn-on to some people, but the chances of running into such a
   person are pretty low.)


3) MAKE SURE HE STUFFS THE FRONT OF HIS SHORTS, NOT THE BACK.
   This is very important, and I can't overstate the importance of it.

Good luck,
Chris


Response:
---------

I had the same problem a while ago, and someone suggested that
I try a watermellon.  I had a special pair of shorts made to
allow plenty of room.  The extra weight made my climbing ability
drop a few grades, but actually, with the extra attention I've
been getting lately, I haven't had much time for climbing.

The watermellon can produce a rather unrealistic "single lump"
effect. I personally like to use a watermellon and two large
cantelopes.

Should you try this method, be aware that there is one
important safety precaution:  REINFORCE THE STICHING ON YOUR
SHORTS!  (A short while ago, some inexperienced stuffers didn't
do this, and the belayer was killed as a result.)

Good Luck!
Steve "I don't have a small unit, I just find it very, very
cold in here" Davis

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 14:00:20 EDT
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bandits

--- Forwarded from a friend

Car Thefts  -  from Alexander Forbes Communications Division, South
Africa

Although crime seems to be the best paid profession in South Africa at
the moment, it is still not as sophisticated as in some of the other
parts of the world.

A Gentleman based in Bogota, Columbia, tells the story of a fellow
American whose new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the street.  The next
day, he received a phone call demanding a $10,000 ransom.  On the advice
of his insurers, he paid up, and the robbers duly left his car where he
could find it.

The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had paid so
promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for a full year.  A week
later, however, his Merc was gone again.  The same thieves phoned to
demand $10,000.  "But it's not fair," protested the victim, "you stole my
car before and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months."  After
first protesting that this was impossible, the caller promised to check,
and the victim could hear computer keys over the phone.  Finally, the
caller was back on the line, full of apologies, and told the victim where
his Merc could be found.

When he got there the American found not only his car, but also a bottle
of French Champagne on the front seat, as well as a card apologizing for
the mistake and the inconvenience.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 14:05:30 PDT
From:    Patricia Sanchez <pass@NETSPACE.COM.MX>
Subject: More on Marketing blunders <Poss. off but True>

Someone at Twentieth Century Fox deserves a hat with donkey ears:
When the 20 th started business in Mexico and opened the
"Baja Studios Incorporated" obviously they didn't know that
this would mean "Low End Studios Inc", because "Baja" is an
adjective in "Baja California" and its meaning changes when
alone.
Imagine a mexican taqueria in South Dakota or South Carolina

"South Tacos"???????

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 15:42:01 CST6CDT5,M4.1.0,M10.5.0
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: Chippie (clean)

     The following is intended to have a moral, and it DOES! to be
inspiring, and it IS!  But I'm still laughing at it:

Max Lucado in his book _In the Eye of the Storm_ helps us understand
what stress is and what it can do for us.

     Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming.  One second he was
peacefully perched in his cage.  The next he was sucked in, washed up,
and blown over.

     The problems began when Chippie's owner decided to clean
Chippie's cage with a vacuum cleaner.  She removed the attachment from
the end of the hose and stuck it into the cage.  The phone rang, and she
turned to pick it up.  She'd barely said "Hello" when sssopp!  Chippie got
sucked in.

     The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the
vacuum, and opened the bag.  There was Chippie--still alive, but stunned.

     Since the bird was covered with dust and soot, she grabbed him
and raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under
the running water.  Then, realizing that Chippie was soaked and shivering,
she did what any compassionate bird owner would . . . she reached for the
hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air.

     Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.

     A few days after the trauma, the reporter who'd initially written
about the event contacted Chippie's owner to see how the bird was
recovering.  "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesn't sing much any more--he
just sits and stares."

     It's not hard to see why.  Sucked in, washed up, and blown over . . .
that's enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.

     Can you relate to Chippie?  Most of us can.  One minute you're
seated in familiar territory with a song on your lips, then . . . the pink
slip comes.  The rejection letter arrives.  The doctor calls.  The divorce
papers are delivered.  The check bounces.  A policeman knocks on your door.

     Sssopp!  You're sucked into a black cavern of doubts, doused with
the cold water of reality, and stung with the hot air of empty promises.

     The life that had been so calm is now so stormy.  You're
hailstormed by demands.  Assailed by doubts.  Pummeled by questions.
And somewhere in the trauma, you lose your joy.  Somewhere in the
storm, you lose your song.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 17:11:41 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Confucious

Confucious say," Man who play golf .......Putz"

Confucious say,"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:09:35 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting or more one-line observation about current events

These lines are extracted from the Atlanta Journal/Constitution's
Vent column (available at http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent:

I called my car insurance company to tell them to change my address
from Vermont to Georgia. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As I tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

My daugher's definition of "stupid" is "voluntarily ignorant."

Do all the people who drive around after dark or in the rain with
their lights off think they are saving money on their utility bill?

Yes, it does matter which lane you are in, and how fast you are
going.

Since chicken is called chicken, why isn't steak called cow?

Are there any single men out there, between the ages of 25-40,
without any tattoos or body piercings?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen.

How do gnats know when you have your hands full?

I stopped at a red light, and this lady came up to my car and said
she would do anything for $100. She is coming over Saturday to paint
my house.

Politician: A scoundrel who, failing at honest work, gets elected to
public office and makes a good living pandering to private interests
at public expense.

I order lemon with my water to disguise the taste of detergent on the
glass.

Water with lemons is a poor man's ice tea.

I order water with lemon, and then I use some of their free sugar so
I end up with lemonade.

Why do TV reporters stand out in the rain to let us know it is
storming? Do they think we won't believe them?

My church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers 10s and 20s.

I used to be terribly conceited, but after many years of
psychoanalysis, my doctor finally cured me. Now I'm on of the nicest
people I know.

Men! Last night, my husband woke me up to ask me if I heard a noise.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 23:15:10 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR: Death by Guiness...

FROM SMTPGATE

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've
somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the
rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed
into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 25 Jul 1997 09:22:30 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Model <adult>

  "Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the
  men's magazine explained."It's too obvious that your blonde  hair isn't
  natural, since the hair between your legs is black".

  The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
  fingers.

  "What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled
  sweetly and said "Look at your fingers.They're turning black,
  right? And they've only been banged once."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jul 1997 to 25 Jul 1997
************************************************
