HUMOR Digest - 23 Jul 1997 to 24 Jul 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 433 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Real Men ! <adult humor>
  2. Bachelors vs. married men
  3. Sinless <may be off. to religious people>
  4. Life's 31 Most Often Asked Questions (Part 2 of 2; Long; Sexist)
  5. Classic Taglines
  6. Justice delayed ( May be offensive to some religious people)
  7. Women are always right...
  8. Guess <Poss. off to Lee Iacocca and Bats>
  9. Steer Right <adult>
 10. Information Superhighway

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Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 02:36:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Real Men ! <adult humor>

* Did ya ever meet a real Texan who didn't brag ?  I was in the DFW
  terminal and heard a cowboy on the phone.  He was obviously there
  to meet someone and apparently was talking to them direct while
  they were still in the air: "Ah'll be easy to recognize darlin'.
  Ah'm tall and lean and tanned -- and besides, Ah'll have a ten
  gallon hard on."
                                - - - - -

*   "Do you have a weapon on you ?" asked the rookie female cop as
  she searched her first suspect.
    "No." he answered.  "But if you keep on frisking me like that,
  I will."
                                - - - - -

*   There had been a bumper crop in the county so the rural madam
  told her girls to get ready for a lot of sex starved, cash heavy
  farmers to begin arriving that week.
    "Oh that's Great !" said one of the girls.  It's time for the
  harvest boon maul again."
                                - - - - -

*   "That's certainly an odd statement, Chet." was the comment at a
  college bull session.  "How do you mean girls are like rocks ?"
    "The flat ones are better to skip."
                                - - - - -

* As he listened to the troubled young lady lying on the couch, the
  psychiatrist realized with a start that he had the same urge she
  did -- to tear all her clothes off.
                                - - - - -

*   The high school football star had finally gotten his favorite
  lil' cheerleader in bed.  She couldn't resist looking though...
    "Wait !" she said. "What are all those marks on your penis ?"
    "Notches." he said smiling.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 11:39:32 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Bachelors vs. married men

Have you ever noticed that married men are always fatter than the single
ones? Know why?

The singles open the door of the refrigerator see what's in it and go to bed.

The married ones see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 12:05:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Sinless <may be off. to religious people>

And the Scribes and Pharisees brought unto Him a woman taken in adultery;
and when they had set her in the midst, They say unto Him, Master, this
woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law
commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
This they said, tempting Him, that they might have to accuse Him.
But Jesus stooped down, and with His finger wrote on the ground, as
though He heard them not. So when they continued asking Him, He
lifted up Himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among
you, let him first cast a stone at her (John 8:3-7).
And at that, a large rock came from the crowd and killed the woman.
Jesus looked toward the crowd and said, "Aw, Mom, will you please
stop following me everywhere?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 09:46:35 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Life's 31 Most Often Asked Questions (Part 2 of 2; Long; Sexist)

(Note: Special dispensation to slightly exceed the 100 line limit has been
       granted by Larry Randall, co-listowner.)

-----------------------------------------------

17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is
up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a
function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer
that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually
a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the
seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact
that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb
male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't
get). What more could any of us males ask for?

19. Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides,
it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I
believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm
wrestle for it.

20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men
fear commitment?)

21. Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you
think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase
the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who
wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance
of it eventually becoming a classic.

It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err...
I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras
like dual air bags.

22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?" It means that we like you enough
to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

24. Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most
primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and
environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor
coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also:
Do all men really masturbate?)

27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.

28. Why do men like younger women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily
impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.
And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only
be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other
things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e., "Whatever
do you see in that fat pig?")?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think
evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the
selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

31. Why are men such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 10:40:44 -0400
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: Classic Taglines

Classic Taglines:
  1-  Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  2-  I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  3-  "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
  4-  Friends help you move.  "REAL" friends help you move bodies.
  5-  I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  6-  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  7-  We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
  8-  Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
  9-  The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
 10- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 11- The secret of the universe is @*^^^&# NO CARRIER
 12- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
 13- I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing!
 14- Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
 15- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 16- Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
 17- There's too much blood in my alcoholic system.
 18- Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
 19- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
 20- Learn from your parent's mistakes...use birth control!
 21- Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
 22- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
 23- Double your drive space...delete Windows!
 24- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
 25- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
 26- Consciousness: that annoying time between drunkness.
 27- I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
 28- I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
 29- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
 30- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
 31- Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
 32- We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?
 33- All generalizations are false, including this one.
 34- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 35- Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
 36-  C:\windows
       C:\windows\run
       C:\windows\crash


http://geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 18:09:17 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Justice delayed ( May be offensive to some religious people)

>From http://WWW.THEONION.COM/onion3124/lordprovide.html

       WASHINGTON, DC--The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh,
 worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged
 all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused
 comment following Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice
 Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to
 provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.

       According to Justice Department officials, on more than 70
 trillion documented occasions, the Lord has failed to provide for
 dutiful worshippers, allowing them to go without Providence in times
 of great need and showing little if any of the celebrated deity's
 much-touted "boundless love."

       The list of Justice Department allegations ranges from the
 mundane, such as the Lord's reported September 1995 refusal to see to
 it that Terre Haute, IN, Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new
 set of drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such as last
 year's Mexico City earthquake, in which God allowed an estimated
 150,000 devout Catholics to be crushed to death under tons of debris.

       "These are very serious charges," U.S. Attorney General Janet
 Reno said. "I can assure you that our department will investigate them
 fully."

       The allegations directly contradict over 6,000 years of
 extravagant claims by the Lord's prophets of "miracle" cures and other
 forms of all-encompassing heavenly grace.

       Immediately following the Justice Department announcement, many
 of the Lord's top earthly representatives fled into hiding, including
 Pope John Paul II, New York's Cardinal O'Connor, and Rabbi Menachem
 Schindler, president of the World Orthodox Jewish Congress.

       In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the Panamanian Embassy, where
 many believe the Pope is currently hiding out and seeking asylum.
 These reports, however, remain unsubstantiated as of press time.

       The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena ordering him to
 appear before the investigative commission, and refused to speak to
 reporters on this or any subject throughout the week.

       Efforts on the part of law-enforcement authorities to contact
 the alleged supreme being via the intercessional medium of prayer
 have been equally unsuccessful.

       One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most negligent,
 the Justice Department claims, is in providing His followers with
 adequate access to education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after
 thousands of years, among the least educated groups in the world,
 ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and carnival workers.

       Claims of an eternal "life after death" also remain unconfirmed
 by deceased believers from around the globe.

       "It's sad to think of the abusive treatment people have received
 at the hands of their so-called protector," U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy
 (D-VT) said, "especially when you think about all those countless
 hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and loudly bearing
 thanks and praise."

       The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns and songs
 written about Him, the Lord ranks among the most praised entities
 ever.

       If the charges prove true, the Lord could face up to 3,100 years
 in jail and/or fines totaling $50 trillion. He would also be forced
 to return all gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers, backdated
 to the dawn of civilization.

       Despite the seriousness of the charges, many believers remain
 loyal to the embattled deity. "I know it seems like the worst thing
 ever," said Lynette Maddox, a Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and mother of
 nine, "but we just have to trust that it's all part of God's plan."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 17:15:45 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Women are always right...

"If I'm alone in the trees and utter some words and no woman hears them,
am I still wrong?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 14:40:24 PDT
From:    Patricia Sanchez <pass@NETSPACE.COM.MX>
Subject: Guess <Poss. off to Lee Iacocca and Bats>

Taken from The Kim Komando Weekly E-Zine for July 22, 1997

Q: What do you get if you cross Lee Iacocca with Dracula?
A.: AUTO EXEC . BAT

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 09:23:43 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Steer Right <adult>

A man walked into a shop with a steering wheel hanging off his willy

You've got a steering wheel on your willy exclaimed the shop owner.

Yes I know said the man.

Its driving me nuts.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 24 Jul 1997 00:10:31 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: Information Superhighway

Information Superhighway

(from The Laugh Page Humor Archive -
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage)

"Think of the Internet as an Information Superhighway"

There it is again: Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
Superhighway." The internet is nothing like a highway. Suppose the
metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose highways were like the
net. A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for
potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway
patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500
member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. 237 onramps at every
intersection. no signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window
at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad Hoc traffic laws. Some lanes
would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense
on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just
shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone. AOL would be a
giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims throwing dead
wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been
assembled at home from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines
with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitroglycerine and
idle at 120. No license tags.

No Offramps.

Now THAT'S the way to run a Highway system!!



*It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jul 1997 to 24 Jul 1997
************************************************
