HUMOR Digest - 22 Jul 1997 to 23 Jul 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 571 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Our Youth <adult humor>
  2. THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER * IT'S A SPOOF
  3. 'eard this?
  4. Life's 31 Most Often Asked Questions (Part 1 of 2; Long; Sexist)
  5. HUMOR:Crude; offinsive to Jews
  6. Honor In The Oldest Profession <Adult>
  7. Anniversary
  8. Check out the following WHOIS database entries...
  9. HUMOR - Jewish humor

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 03:56:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Our Youth <adult humor>

* "I don't know much about Russian history," the perky lil' teenager
  confided to her best friend, "but last nite, I found out why they
  decided that Peter was Great."
                                - - - - -

* Maybe you've already heard about the lil' boy being potty trained
  by his Mother.  His trajectory was so poor she started calling him
  "TwinkleToes".
                                - - - - -

* "You've grown some, Cousin Kitty," mused the youth at the family
  reunion, "and may I say they sure look nice !"
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the poor teen who got a double hernia all because of
  a typographical error in the sex manual he got from the library.
                                - - - - -

* "Mom !" Said the little sister. "Jennie has some strange desire to
  lose her hair.  I just heard her on the phone telling somebody she
  hopes she'll be bald soon."
                                - - - - -

*   The prim teen was alone with her beau, a Pastor's son, in her home.
  They were watching a romantic video, and she turned to see him on his
  knees praying.
    "Oh John." she cried. "You are such a sweet guy.  I should have
  known you'd never try anything with me until we were ready."
    There was an odd gleam in his eye as he looked up.  "Please be
  quiet Linda." he whispered hoarsely.  "Can't you see I'm saying grace."
                                - - - - -

" Dinner, wine, music, pot and a water bed -- he used all the moves to
  get me between the sheets," the teen confessed to her best friend,
  "and all of them worked !"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 14:34:21 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER * IT'S A SPOOF

                MICHELLE DESPERATELY NEEDS YOUR HELP!!
    Please forward this to everyone you know.  This is not a chain
 letter.  It is a little girl's dying wish.  Her name is Michelle
 Brandt, and early this year she was diagnosed with congenital
 halitosis nervosa (CHN), a disease for which there is no cure.
 Michelle fell under the influence of a homeopathic doctor who
 promised to cure her condition if she only ate garlic.
    How she could have fallen for such a quack is easy.  People in
 desperate situations will do anything; they will grasp at straws.
 Perhaps you've known someone who, faced with desperate circumstances,
 took a path that might seem foolish or misguided.  The fact is that
 Michelle and her parents are now broke; having spent their life
 savings and mortgaged their home, they are broke.
    In fact, they are now in desperate circumstances.  When they had a
 little bit of money left, they decided to treat Michelle to one fine
 meal.  As a final treat for their beloved daughter, the Brandts
 ordered her favorite dessert, which was pound cake.  Michelle, bless
 her heart, so enjoyed the pound cake that her parents asked the waiter
 for the recipe.  The waiter told them that the recipe would cost them
 "two fifty," and the Brandts immediately agreed.
    Later, when they got their credit card bill, they realized that
 they were charged $250.00, not the $2.50 they had expected.  This bill
 devastated the Brandts, for it was the last of their money, and they
 no longer could afford the treatment for Michelle's incurable
 condition.
    What the Brandts have done is decided to get revenge.  They are
 passing along the recipe to you, free of charge.  They got this idea
 from their next-door neighbors, the Gorskys.  They figure that if they
 paid $250 to [name of restaurant deleted pending results of lawsuit],
 they're going to make sure everyone gets their money's worth.
    Rather than plea for money or try to charge people for this recipe,
 the Brandts are trying to make one final gesture against corporate
 greed.  They hope that this gesture will help wake up corporate
 America and let it know that the "little people" will not be pushed
 around, especially those with a daughter afflicted with CHN.
    On the eve of the composition of this letter, Michelle wanted to
 add something.  Michelle, already traumatized because of her CHN, had
 suffered another shock recently.  She had been to her older sister's
 wedding.  At the banquet, the groom (Michelle's new brother in law)
 told the guests to look under their seats, where manila envelopes were
 stowed.  Inside the envelopes were pictures of Michelle's sister and
 the best man in a compromising position.
    The wedding, of course, was ruined, even though the Brandts had
 made a lovely pound cake for the wedding cake.  Poor Michelle realized
 that nothing is certain (except that she never will recover from CHN)
 and wanted to try to stake her claim for immortality.  She is only
 asking one thing:  That each of you pass along this letter so that she
 will remain alive; at least in the magic of e-mail.
    Even the ACHNS (American Congenital Halitosis Nervosa Society) has
 chipped in.  The ACHNS has pledged to donate three cents for every
 person who receives this letter, to the fight to cure Michelle's
 incurable condition.  Keep in mind that this will cost you nothing to
 forward this.  Just a few moments of your time is all it takes.
    This letter has already been around the world eight times, and it
 would be a shame if you broke the link now.  (Remember, though, this
 is not a chain letter.)
    How can any decent person refuse a dying girl's last wish,
 especially when the ACHNS is pledged to devote money to Michelle's
 cause?  Can you, in good conscience, just delete this?  All it takes
 is for you to hit the "forward" key, add a few names, and send it
 along.
    In a world of over 5 billion people, how often do you get the
 chance to make a difference in someone's life?  Not too often, I bet.
 But your effort can help Michelle's family to regain its faith in
 people.  You see, they lost their faith when Michelle's favorite
 uncle, Walter, took a trip to Las Vegas.  Walter, who always thought
 himself a bit of a lady's man, met an attractive woman in a casino
 there, and the two seemed to hit it off.   Eventually, she suggest
 that they go back to her hotel room.  The next thing Walter knew, he
 woke up in a bathtub.  The woman was gone, but there was a phone on a
 chair and a note.  The note said that he should not get out of the tub
 but should call 911 immediately.  Walter did this, and the operator
 knew just what to ask him.  When the operator found out he was in a
 tub, she told him, "Both of your kidneys have been removed by a band
 of black-market organ sellers.  Don't move.  Help is on its way."
 Fortunately, the person who stole Walter's kidneys was a skilled
 surgeon, but the Brandts' faith in humanity was very much shaken.
     Here's your chance!  Just forward this non-chain letter to as many
 people as you know.  Remember that for every person you forward this
 to, the ACHNS will donate three cents to the effort to cure Michelle's
 incurable CHN affliction.  If you forward it to 10 people, that's
 thirty cents.  And if each of them forwards it to 10 people, that's
 $3.00.  And if each of them forwards it to three people, that's
 $30.00!  And, if all of those people forward it to everyone, that's
 $300.00 (which is only 20% more than [restaurant name deleted pending
 results of lawsuit] charged the Brandts when that money could have
 gone to making Michelle comfortable in her final days.
    After all you've read, can you possibly say "no" to poor little
 Michelle?  This is one brave little girl.  She has suffered so much.

  [This note attached by the Brandts' lawyer:  After much litigation
  consumed the last of the Brandts' funds, they lost their suit to the
  restaurant.  Under the terms of the settlement, I am not allowed to
  tell you the name of the restaurant, how much the Brandts have
  agreed to pay the restaurant because of this letter, or the
  ingredients  in the recipe.  It is my hope that this disclaimer will put
  to an end the litigation that has taken so much of the Brandts' energy
  has been devoted merely to asserting their rights.]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 07:48:12 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: 'eard this?

[From the always great mini-AIR (July 1997).  It's all verifiable.]:

1997-07-05      Tysonian Medicine

Just a few short weeks ago, boxer Mike Tyson bit off a portion of
the ear of his pugilistic opponent, the suddenly lightheaded
Evander Holyfield. Following the fight, a question came to
everyone's lips. That question is of course:

        What does the medical research literature
        tell us about the history of people biting off
        other people's body parts?

Led by ace research librarian Judy Reingold, we have looked into
the matter. Here are a few medically sound bites of history. Any
one of them is cause for a recreational trip to the library.

"Salvage of the severely injured ear," I.M. Turpin et al., "Annals
of Plastic Surgery," vol. 21, no. 2, Aug. 1988, pp. 170-9. This
report deals with three cases, only one of which, alas, concerns
what the authors describe as "a human bite ear amputation."

"Human fight-bite injuries of the hand. A study of 100 cases
within 18 months," U. Mennon and C.J. Howells, "Journal of Hand
Surgery," vol. 16, no. 4, Nov. 1991, pp. 431-5. There is also a
report in the October, 1985 issue (vol. 23, no. 5) of the research
journal "Paraplegia," which alludes to several cases of people who
bit off their own fingers.

"Amputation of the nose resulting from human bites," B. Erichsen,
"Ugeskrift for Laeger [Copenhagen]," vol. 144, no. 11, Mar. 15,
1982, pp. 794-6. If you don't have time to digest the whole
report, we recommend instead "Amputation of the tip of the nose
resulting from human bites," M. Friedel, F. Schweitzer, and J.L.
Beziat, "Annales de Chirurgie Plastique," vol. 25, no. 3, 1980,
pp. 259-62.

Thinking big? Then sink your teeth into the report "Human bites of
the face," J.J. Tomasetti et al., "Journal of Oral Surgery," vol.
37, no. 8, Aug. 1979, pp. 565-8. If that doesn't satisfy your
intellectual hunger, by all means look up the all-inclusive "Human
bites: a review," M.J. Earley and A.F. Bardsley," British Journal
of Plastic Surgery," vol. 37, no. 4, Oct. 1984, pp. 458-62.

Finally, for those whose taste is lowbrow (or perhaps even lower),
there is the ever-popular report "Human Bites to the Penis," J.S.
Wolf, Jr., R. Gomez, and J.W. McAninch, "Journal of Urology," vol.
147, no. 5, May 1992, pp. 1265-7.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 09:02:41 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Life's 31 Most Often Asked Questions (Part 1 of 2; Long; Sexist)

(Note: Special dispensation to slightly exceed the 100 line limit has been
       granted by Larry Randall, co-listowner.)
-----------------------------------------------

Here are the answers to 31 of life's most often asked questions....this is
another in a long line of potential doctoral theses...

1. Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability,
we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world
nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must
go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other
hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on
this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men
are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we
love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a
character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way
to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

        1. Please sleep with me.
        2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
        3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
        4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
        5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
        6. Stop nagging me.
        7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn
well you'll pick it up.

15. What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us
stomach cramps.

16. Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?


Michael J. Irvin
Information Technology
Washington State University
Pullman, WA 99164-1222

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 12:39:29 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR:Crude; offinsive to Jews

 Did ya hear about the Jewish American Princess and her
 husband who made love doggie style?

 He sat up and begged; she rolled over and played dead.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 15:53:29 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Honor In The Oldest Profession <Adult>

           Ex-prostitute on city council to 'keep it honest'. Past revealed
during allegation of graft.

 OAK GROVE, Kentucky (AP) -- A madam who owned a massage parlor stood up at
a City Council meeting to accuse police of taking payoffs, buying sex from
her girls and covering up two slayings.

 Then a councilwoman stepped forward to back those allegations, saying she
ought to know: She worked as a prostitute at the massage parlor for about
two years.

 Now, people are calling for Patty Belew's resignation or removal from
office. But she said Monday she's staying put to keep this little town
honest.

 "There ain't nobody else in there that's any better than I am," said
Belew, 26. "At least I did come out and tell the truth, unlike everybody
else."

 This town of nearly 3,000 people on the Tennessee line has been reeling
since Tammy Papler, the former owner of the New Life Massage Parlor, stood
up last week and accused city officials and police of taking bribes to
allow her to run her business as a brothel.

 Papler said she paid officials about $20,000 in bribes over three years.
Papler claims the authorities also bought sex, threatened prostitutes and
covered up the 1994 slayings of two of her employees, Gloria Ross, 18, and
Candy Belt, 22.

 In September 1994, Ross and Belt were found stabbed and shot to death. No
one has been charged in their deaths, and Papler alleges that two former
Oak Grove police officers were involved.

 Sheriff's Maj. Billy Gloyd said both men, who have left the force, have
been investigated in connection with the deaths.

 Belew also said policemen from nearby Hopkinsville, the Christian County
seat, were among her customers. "You want to be disgusted and disgraced,
let a police officer come in, because they will damn sure rub it in your
face and treat you like trash," she said in an interview with The
Associated Press.

 City Attorney Mike Burman, who advised Belew to step down, declined to
comment Monday. He said through a spokeswoman he would hold a news
conference after he completes his investigation.

 Belew said she doesn't understand why she is being pressured to step down
now because most of the town's residents knew about her past when they
elected her.

 Papler, who owns an adult video store, said she had kept quiet until now
because she had been on probation for prostitution-related charges.

 She filed a complaint with the city on Friday citing her allegations. She
also sent a complaint to the Kentucky State Police.

 Papler, 31, said she has several canceled checks and receiptsfor "cleaning
services" written in the names of several police officers. She said the
payments were bribes.

 Belew said she went into prostitution to support her two children. At one
point, she said, she was taking home about $1,500 a week.  "I wish many
times over again I didn't have to do it," she said "Nobody has any idea how
disgusting, how cheap it makes you feel."

 She said she avoided taking customers from tiny Oak Grove because her
husband grew up there.

 Belew said going public has been painful, but she knew this might happen
when she took office seven months ago.

 "They need straight people in there," she said. "I'm tired of the crooks."

 Copyright 1997   The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 17:22:12 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Anniversary

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription:
     "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever"

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription:
     "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 16:59:16 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Check out the following WHOIS database entries...

whois RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE.COM
whois WESHALLPREVAIL.COM

... and guess what the respsonses will be.  For a hint, try
whois BILL-IS-LORD.COM

With thanks to the webheads list, and to Guy Harris in
comp.unix.advocacy, Ne (gotta protect those important domain names) mo

Selbie[havoc.gtf.gatech.edu]
/home/selbie => whois resistance-is-futile.com
[rs.internic.net]
Microsoft Corporation (RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE-DOM)
   3635 157th Avenue
   Redmond, WA 98052
   US

   Domain Name: RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE.COM

   Administrative Contact:
      MSN Hostmaster  (MH37-ORG)  msnhst@MICROSOFT.COM
      tel.: 206 882 8080  fax.: 206 703 2641

   Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
      MSN NOC  (MN5-ORG)  msnnoc@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080
   Billing Contact:
      MSN Domain Billing  (MDB-ORG)  msnbill@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080

   Record last updated on 24-Jun-97.
   Record created on 24-Jun-97.
   Database last updated on 11-Jul-97 04:20:56 EDT.

Selbie[havoc.gtf.gatech.edu]
/home/selbie => whois WESHALLPREVAIL.COM
[rs.internic.net]
Microsoft Corporation (WESHALLPREVAIL-DOM)
   3635 157th Avenue
   Redmond, WA 98052
   US

   Domain Name: WESHALLPREVAIL.COM

   Administrative Contact:
      MSN Hostmaster  (MH37-ORG)  msnhst@MICROSOFT.COM
      tel.: 206 882 8080  fax.: 206 703 2641

   Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
      MSN NOC  (MN5-ORG)  msnnoc@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080
   Billing Contact:
      MSN Domain Billing  (MDB-ORG)  msnbill@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080

   Record last updated on 24-Jun-97.
   Record created on 24-Jun-97.
   Database last updated on 11-Jul-97 04:20:56 EDT.

Selbie[havoc.gtf.gatech.edu]
/home/selbie => whois BILL-IS-LORD.COM
[rs.internic.net]
Microsoft Corporation (BILL-IS-LORD-DOM)
   3635 157th Avenue
   Redmond, WA 98052
   US

   Domain Name: BILL-IS-LORD.COM

   Administrative Contact:
      MSN Hostmaster  (MH37-ORG)  msnhst@MICROSOFT.COM
      tel.: 206 882 8080  fax.: 206 703 2641

   Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
      MSN NOC  (MN5-ORG)  msnnoc@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080
   Billing Contact:
      MSN Domain Billing  (MDB-ORG)  msnbill@MICROSOFT.COM
      206 882 8080

   Record last updated on 24-Jun-97.
   Record created on 24-Jun-97.
   Database last updated on 11-Jul-97 04:20:56 EDT.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 23 Jul 1997 00:01:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Jewish humor

 What do you call a dozen Jewish American Princesses
 fighting over sale items at Bloomingdales?

 Yidlock!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jul 1997 to 23 Jul 1997
************************************************
