HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 1997 to 22 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 342 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Best Left Unsaid <adult humor>
  2. Quips <clean>
  3. Humor:Adult,sexual
  4. What's in a name? (might be off. to gays)
  5. HUMOR: Crude; offensive to Jews
  6. Dark/Hard (adult humor)
  7. Why is it that . . .? <inoff>
  8. Venting about sports
  9. two quickies (suggestive language)
 10. where are you?
 11. Are you comfortable? <adult>
 12. Government Satire <offensive to government workers, religious overtones>

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Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 04:01:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Best Left Unsaid <adult humor>

*   An inebriated chap was brought before the local Judge.  "You
  are charged with habitual drunkenness." the magistrate thundered.
  "Have you anything to offer in your defense ?"
    Came the slurred reply, "Habitual thirst, your Honor."
                                - - - - -

*   When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
  physiatrist began his therapy session.  "I'm not aware of your
  problem." the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the
  very beginning."
    "Of course." replied the patient.  "In the beginning, I created
  the Heavens and the Earth..."
                                - - - - -

*   "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?"
  the suspicious wife sneered.
    "No, I can't." the husband replied.  "I distinctly remember
  taking my shirt off."
                                - - - - -

*   "I'd like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend," the young man
  told the perky little salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
    "Will this help ?" said the girl, and placed both of her hands
  in his.
    "Oh yes. Good idea.  Yes, I'd say you're about the same size."
    "Will there be anything else, sir ?"
    "Well, now that you mention it, I think I'll also get her some
  fancy panties and a bra."
                                - - - - -

*   The IRC NetSex session was going really hot and heavy, but for
  some reason the one partner stopping typing.  Thinking she was
  disconnected, the man typed: "Are you still there ?"
    The reply appeared back on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy
  just came into the room."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 12:36:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Quips <clean>

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not
she'd have children if she had it to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that
go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

I accept good advice gracefully -- as long as it doesn't interfere
with what I intended to do in the first place.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 08:56:00 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Adult,sexual

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted
to impress her date.  "Do you like to screw?" he asked.

 "Huh?!" replied the surprised date.

 "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it.  You and her
should go screw," explained the father.

 Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"

 Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye
and the couple left.  After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious,
dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,

 "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"
		====================================

Subject: A POINT ABOUT SEX

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.

 The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

 "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about
this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and
wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your
finger?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 12:01:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What's in a name? (might be off. to gays)

 A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes that
 it's a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a drink. A
 gay waiter approaches and asks: "What's the name of your penis?" The
 customers says: "Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I want
 is a cold beer." The gay waiter says: "I'm sorry but house rules dictate
 that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." The
 customer says to the gay waiter: "All right....I will but first tell me
 the name of your penis." The gay waiter says: "NIKE...you know, 'JUST DO
 IT!" The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my penis
 is 'SECRET'. The waiter is puzzled and asks: "SECRET? What does that
 mean?" The customer says: You know, SECRET.....STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN
 BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 15:23:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Crude; offensive to Jews

Did ya hear 'bout the Jewish pimp?

He's gonna have a Holesale tonight!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 18:34:51 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dark/Hard (adult humor)

What is the difference between dark and hard? It stays dark all night long.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 19:34:01 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Why is it that . . .? <inoff>

* After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting
  out of the water?
* What are Preparation A thru Preparation G?
* What is 1-Up? 2-Up . . . thru 6-Up?
* Is there a Dr. Salt?
* Are there Seeing Eye humans for blind dogs?
* If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
* If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a
  lemon called a yellow?
* Why does your nose run & your feet smell?
* If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a
  neighbor, will he complain?
* In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
* Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual
  harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it?
* Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 20:41:41 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting about sports

So Mike Tyson only got $27 million. Boy, we showed him.

I'll tell you why women's sports don't get the press men's sports do:
Nobody's interested.

You know it's the low ebb of the sports year when ESPN is showing the
national jump-roping competition.

The new Mike Tyson computer: Two bites and no memory.

A lifelong Cubs fan, I tried to open the Cubs' Interent home page
(www.cubs.com). Unfortunately, it kept giving me an error message. I
then realized that even the Web wouldn't recognize three WWW's and
the Cubs in the same line.

Extracted from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's vent column.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 19:47:41 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: two quickies (suggestive language)

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan
had done.  "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
		---------------------------------------

On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off
the lights and crawl under the covers.  Turning amorously towards his bride,
Ole tenderly informs Lena that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the
usual stuff.  Lena, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no
idea what a "hand job" was.  So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and
heads for the phone to call her mom.
"Mom," says Lena, "Ole wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."
"Oh, Lena," says her mother, "that's real simple.  Just grab his thing and
shake it like a bottle of ketchup."
"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," replies Lena.  So Lena hangs up the phone,
removes her robe and crawls back into the sack.  She snuggles up to Ole,
grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

Thanks to Shelly Gibson

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 21 Jul 1997 22:28:08 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: where are you?

Today is a sunny day, everything everywhere is joy and happiness, but,
you see everything everywhere dark.  Where are you?

Possible answers:

( )  At the supermarket, trying to make your weekly shopping's with only
     $ 10.00
( )  At the eye of the hurricane Filiberta, the 5th this season.
( )  Listening a new report about the new taxes and the economical future
     of  the country.
( )  At the university.
( )  Having lunch with your wife (husband) in your mother-in-law home.
( )  At work, with a mountain of to-do work accumulating, and a terrible
     hangover.
( )  In a work meeting with your boss.

Check all that apply.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 10:00:46 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Are you comfortable? <adult>

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to
his left.
The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A
few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran
over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to
him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 22 Jul 1997 00:37:54 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Government Satire <offensive to government workers,
         religious overtones>

If Noah built the Ark today...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil
people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two
of every kind of living thing on the planet.  I am ordering you to
build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the
specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and
fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain,"
thundered the Lord.  "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn
how to swim for a very long time."  And six months passed. The skies
began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard, weeping and there was no Ark.  "Noah,"
shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"  A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best.  But there
were big problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.  So I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight
over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the
Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.  Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I
had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save
the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then
the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or a hammer.  Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted
a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.  Right now
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by
leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing
some kind of use tax.  I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at
least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched across
the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being
Lord of the Universe has its advantages.  I fully intend to smite the Earth,
but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himself." "What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh His Last Word: "GOVERNMENT."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 1997 to 22 Jul 1997
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