HUMOR Digest - 20 Jul 1997 to 21 Jul 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 373 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex Affects <adult humor>
  2. bad luck
  3. A losing proposition? (suggestive language)
  4. HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1997 to 20 Jul 1997
  5. mildly offensive
  6. Chilli, rated (not offensive>
  7. THE GIRL AND THE BIRD <Adult themes>

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Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 03:24:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex Affects <adult humor>

*   A sex-survey pollster telephoned one of the volunteer couples.
  "I'm afraid there's a discrepancy in the data supplied by you and
  your husband." he explained. "Under frequency of intercourse, he
  listed 'twice weekly' while you put down 'a number of times each
  nite' during most of the week."
    "That's correct," confirmed the woman, "but it's only a temporary
  situation -- just until we have the down payment for a house."
                                - - - - -

*   "I've taken so many showers to fight temptation," the Priest told
  his superior, "that now every time it rains, I get an erection."
                                - - - - -

*   A small and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on
  his underwear when his daughter opened the door & entered the room.
    "Mommy !' she cried, pointing to her father's disproportionately
  ample endowment.  "What's that ???"
    "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your Daddy's secret
  attraction.  If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here, nor for
  that matter (she added ruminatively) would I."
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the female CIA agent who was given the task of keeping
  tabs on a suspected terrorist and was summarily dismissed.  It seems
  she blew her assignment.
                                - - - - -

*   The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.
    "Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that
  you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."
    "WHAT !" said the man, "Just so's I can walk a little better ???"
                                - - - - -

* Orthopedists report the appearance of a new occupational disease;
  at present limited to "massage parlors" -- penis elbow.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 09:59:36 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: bad luck

Consider this:

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 03:01:43 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: A losing proposition? (suggestive language)

                             BY THE FOOT

    The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan
 Bank went on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client.
 Out of the blue the client asked her to marry him.

    Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.  However, she
 remembered that her boss had told her not to reject the client
 outright.  She tried to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
 from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman said to her
 suitor, "I will only marry you under three conditions.  First, I want
 my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200
 carat diamond tiara."

    The Taiwanese man paused for a moment.  Then, he nodded his head
 and said, "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing her first condition
 was too easy, the woman said to the man, "I want you to build me a 100
 room mansion in New York.  As a vacation home, I want a chateau built
 in the middle of the best wine country in France."

    The man paused another moment.  He whipped out his cellular phone,
 called some brokers in New York, then he called some brokers in
 France.  He looked at the woman, nodded his head and said, "Okay,
 okay.  I build, I build."  Realizing that she had one last condition,
 the secretary knew that she'd better make it a good one.  She took her
 time to think and finally she had an idea.  A sure-to-work condition.
 She squinted her eyes, looked at the man and said, rather coldly,
 "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch
 penis."

    The man seemed a bit disturbed.  He cupped his face with his hands
 and rested his elbows on the table, while muttering something in
 Chinese.  Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shook his
 head, and with a sad expression, said to the woman, "I cut. I cut."

Thanks to Dawn Chatfield (Sunny) <sunny@wctc.net> and JokeMaster

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 08:43:23 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1997 to 20 Jul 1997

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 15:35:31 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: mildly offensive

Dr. Goldstein bumps into Mrs. Shapiro in the grocery store.
"Oh, Mrs. Shapiro" says the Dr.  "Your dad came in the other day for a
checkup and I get such a kick out of him.  For a 90 year old man, he is in
such good spirits!"
"Why?" said Mrs. Shapiro, "What did he say?"
"Well, he said that every time he goes to the bathroom at night, G-d turns on
the light for him, and every time he leaves the bathroom, G-d turns the light
off."
"Oh, damn" says Mrs. Shapiro, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 17:12:02 +0000
From:    Stephen Richard <warlord@CITYNET.NET>
Subject: Chilli, rated (not offensive>

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because
no one else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:.  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

CAMERON:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to
put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.  These people are crazy.


Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili


JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional
wrestler after a bad night.  She was so irritated over
my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her
eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a
face like Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.


Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.
Needs more beans.


JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.

CAMERON:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA,
I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have
been sneezing Drano. Everyone  knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  She said
her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
they call her "Forklift."


Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON:  I felt something scraping across my
tongue but was unable to taste it.  Sally was standing
behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake
sort of coiled and uncoiled -- it's kinda cute.


Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use
more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make
a strong statement.

CAMERON:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer
focus my eyes.  I belched and four people in front of
me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt
when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me that
one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON:  My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous flames.  No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if she wants to
go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment.  I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be
in a bit of distress.

CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my
mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost
the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell our
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just let it
in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my
tongue.


Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili
pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

CAMERON:  Momma?

http://www.citynet.net/personal/warlord/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 20 Jul 1997 23:48:22 EDT
From:    "Chris M. De Almeida" <cool167@JUNO.COM>
Subject: THE GIRL AND THE BIRD <Adult themes>

One day a man decided to go to a nude beach. When he got there, he got
completely naked and lied on the sand. He noticed a girl about 12 years
of age. A very immature girl at that. The girl was staring at him, so he
covered his cock with a newspaper. She then asked, "Excuse me mister,
but what's under that newspaper?" He answered, "That's none of your
business girl. I can't tell you unless I knew you."  "Well," the girl
answered, "my name is Samantha Howell. I live in Chicago, Ill. My phone
number is ummmm... eight four seven five five five eight five one five
five. Once again, in case you didn't hear correctly, it's Samantha Howell
in Chicago Ill and area code 847 555-8515. Now tell me what's under the
newspaper!" Obviously, Samantha already knew what was under the newspaper,
but she found the man quite attractive and also that he had an
extraordinary huge dick. The man simply answered, "It's my bird." The man
fell asleep a while later and woke up in the hospital.  He saw the girl
next to him. He asked, "Samantha! What the Hell happened to me ?"
Samantha answered with a big, happy smile on her face. "Well, while you
were asleep, I started to play with youir bird. First, I decided to sit
on it. I like sitting on birds! The I stuck it in my cunt, because I
figured it was bored and might have some fun in it, because it's so big!
Then it came. Yeah! You know! It came pretty damn quick too. I knew I
could make you, uh, I mean it come! Then it spit in my pussy. So I decided
to stop that. Then it spit at me. So I sucked it figuring it would stop
then I tried to blow it, but it wouldn't quit spitting. I then tried to
bite it. I bit its head off, broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set
fire to its nest." Even though she was fully aware that she was having
anal, casual and oral sex with the fine guy, and then fucked up his ass,
dick and balls! She had gotten the biggest seizures ever possible,
because she was only 12 years old. He came quick as a bitch though.
Probably because it was beginner's luck for Samantha! Either that or I
gotta call her up! She just wanted to fuck the guy, 'cause she thought he 
was allllll that!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jul 1997 to 21 Jul 1997
************************************************
