HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1997 to 20 Jul 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 241 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Technique is Everything <adult humor>
  2. Things you don't want to hear during a surgery <CLEAN>
  3. HUMOR:  Think!  <clean>
  4. Oldest Professional (adult theme)
  5. The Here After
  6. Things we can learn from dogs...

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Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 03:27:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Technique is Everything <adult humor>

*   The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for
  the rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked
  for him.  "You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a
  woman of breeding and position and a cheap little office slut."
    The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously don't
  appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence and true
  enthusiastic cooperation."
                                - - - - -

*   "There is great dissatisfaction among the females who are being
  interviewed by His Serene Highness for vacancies in the Sultan's
  harem." a eunuch informed the Grand Vizier.
    "Why exactly are the unworthy ones bitching ?"
    "They complain that many are balled, but few are chosen."
                                - - - - -

* "When I was a teen, my Mother always told me to think of my future
  husband's penis as a mighty oak from which little acorns would fall."
  the woman confided to her neighbor.  "But I tell ya, Marge, when I
  see my Herman's supposed erection, I always feel like jumping on it
  while yelling 'Bonsai' !"
                                - - - - -

*   "Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first
  realize that you were in love with me ?"
    "Well, I suppose..." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I
  started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said
  you were a lousy lay."
                                - - - - -

*   "It was just a simple misunderstanding your honor." testified the
  man charged with indecent exposure.
    "Explain that statement !" harrumphed the Judge.
    "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar & she asked
  me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."

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Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 12:17:04 -0500
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Things you don't want to hear during a surgery <CLEAN>


 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

 Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

 Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

 Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

 Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

 Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

 Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

 Darn, there go the lights again...

 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

 Could you stop that thing from beating?  It's throwing my concentration
 off..

 What's this doing here?

 I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

 That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

 I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

 Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

 Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

 What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

 Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

 And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the
 ape.

 OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

 This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

 Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

 What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

 She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

 FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

 Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


*"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

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Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 16:56:43 -0700
From:    Himenator <phimes@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR:  Think!  <clean>

Why do modem manufacturers have online technical assistance?

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Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 19:51:17 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Oldest Professional (adult theme)

A woman asked her husband for some money to go shopping. He said, "I work
hard for money so we can live comfortably =97 I'm not going to give it to
you to go out and blow shopping."
The woman said, "Fine, I'll go get a job and earn some money myself."
The husband said to her, "What can you do? Nobody would ever give you a job."
The woman replied, "I can do the oldest profession in the world!" to which
the husband said, "You'll never get anyone to pay you for that! Just go
ahead and try."
The wife got all dressed up in her sexiest outfit and left. She returned
hours later, with her clothes all rumpled and just looking pretty beat. Her
husband woke up and asked, "How did you do?" and the woman replied' "I made
34 dollars and 10 cents."
The husband then asked, "Who gave you 10 cents?" and his wife replied,
"All of them!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 20:29:39 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Here After

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the
old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm
gone."

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Date:    Sat, 19 Jul 1997 22:38:18 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Things we can learn from dogs...

 **Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

 **Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
    pure ecstasy.

 **When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 **When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 **Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 **Take naps and stretch before rising.

 **Run, romp and play daily.

 **Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

 **Be loyal.

 **Never pretend to be something you're not.

 **If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 **When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and
    nuzzle him or her gently.

 **Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 **Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 **On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 **When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 **No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
    and pout -- run right back and make friends.

 **Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1997 to 20 Jul 1997
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