HUMOR Digest - 18 Jul 1997 to 19 Jul 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 463 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. High Finance
  2. Kiddie Quotes (part 6.3)
  3. Hypothetical vs. Reality (may be offensive to women)
  4. welcome to heaven <poss off to animal-lovers>
  5. MIR-Niss
  6. Very Short Books (Offensive to too many people to mention)
  7. HUMOR: Nashville TN, U.S.A.
  8. Short psycho joke (really corny)
  9. Science Test
 10. Political Satire <May offend right & left wing, insensitive to Vince
     Foster>
 11. Random Thought (clean)

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Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 03:06:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: High Finance

*   Two stockbrokers went to lunch.  One looked at the other and
  said, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than
  the market or any kind of business at all."
    "Good idea Sam.  Let's talk about women."
    "OK -- common or preferred ?"
                                - - - - -

* With apologies to Mr. Roosevelt, good advice for young investor of
  today is, "Walk softly, but carry a big portfolio."
                                - - - - -

* The story goes that Bill Gates made a billion dollars in a single
  week on his investments.  When asked if he would reinvest the money
  back into MicroSoft, he said, "Well... I guess so.  But remember a
  billion dollars doesn't go as far as it used to."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette had married a stockbroker.  When asked how they met,
  she replied, "Oh, we were introduced by a mutual fund."
                                - - - - -

*   The young son of a financial advisor was asked by his kindergarten
  teacher if he knew the names of the seasons.
    "Sure !" he earnestly replied.  "Busy and slack."
                                - - - - -

*   The American couple were standing staring at Rome's Trevi Fountain:
  "You know Frank, you're probably the first person to toss a coin in
  and wish for stabilization of the international wool market."
                                - - - - -

* Wall street beggar to businessman: "You see sir, my Federal Grant is
  contingent on my ability to raise matching funds in the private sector."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 07:18:36 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Kiddie Quotes (part 6.3)

     From Christian Southwick

     WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

     "The person is thinking:  Yeah, I really love him.  But I hope he
     showers at least once a day."  Michelle, age 9

     "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally
     got it out and said it and now they can eat."  Dick, age 7

     HOW  WAS KISSING INVENTED?

     "I know one reason that kissing was created.  It makes you feel warm
     all over, and they don't always have electric heat or fireplaces or
     even stoves in their houses."  Gina, age 8

     HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

     "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."  Julia,
     age 7

     "You learn it right on the spot when your gooshy feelings get the best
     of you."  Brian, age 7

     "It might help to watch soap operas all day."  Carin, age 9

     WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

     "When they're rich."  Pam, age 7

     "It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over
     you....that's why I stopped doing it."  Tammy, age 7

     "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.  But if it's a new
     person, you have to ask permission."  Roger, age 8

     "I look at kissing like this:  Kissing is fine if you like it, but
     it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."  Michael,
     age 8

     HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

     "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
      Dick, age 7

     "Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love."  Erin,
     age 8

     "Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take
     out the trash."  Dave, age 8

     "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind....Love isn't
     like picking which movies you watch."  Natalie, age 9

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 08:46:59 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hypothetical vs. Reality (may be offensive to women)

A little boy got an assignment from school to write a report on the
difference between hypothetical and reality. He went home to his dad and
asked for help. Dad said,"The best way to show you this is to do a little
experiment. Your mother is doing laundry downstairs =97 I want you to go
and ask her if she would have sex with the postman one time for $500,000."
The little boy went and asked his mother the question. She hemed and hawed
a bit, and then she finally said, "Even though I love your father and want
to be faithful, $500,000 would be enough money to let us pay off our house
and bills. It could really make a difference in how we live. I guess I would
do it just one time for $500,000."
The little boy went back to his dad and told him, "Well, she really thought
hard about it but, in the end, she said she would do it once for that kind
of money." Dad then said, "Okay, now go ask your sister the same question."
The little boy found his sister and asked her the question. She didn't even
hesitate, she immediately said, "You bet I would! I could buy a new car and
have all the clothes I wanted. I'd do it in a minute."
The little boy went back to his dad and told him, "She didn't even hesitate.
She said right away that she would do it." Dad then said, "Well, there you
have it. Hypothetically, we're millionaires but, in reality, we live with
a couple of whores."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 11:05:29 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: welcome to heaven <poss off to animal-lovers>

A little mouse dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter meets him at the gate &
lets him in.  The mouse spends time looking around heaven, and after two
weeks St. Peter seeks him out and says, "It's our custom after two weeks to
survey all our new residents and see how they like heaven.  What are your
impressions of the place, and what do you like best about it?"  The mouse
replies, "It's beautiful.  It's magnificent.  I'm awed by the grandeur--I
guess that's the best part.  But it's so vast.  There's no way I'll ever get
to see all of it.  It's just too much for me."  St. Peter replies, "Well, I
think I can help.  Here is a pair of roller skates.  That should help you get
around better."   The mouse thanked him and skated off.
     By and by a cat died and also went to heaven.  He too was met at the
gate by St. Peter and welcomed in.  After two weeks, St. Peter went looking
for him with his standard question:  "It's our custom after two weeks to
survey all our new residents and see how they like heaven.  What are your
impressions of the place, and what do you like best about it?"  The cat
replied, "Well, it's grand and majestic.  I'm very impressed and really very
happy here.  The best thing?  Oh, I guess I'd have to say it's your Meals on
Wheels."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:23:28 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: MIR-Niss

After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which
has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.  In terse
statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency
spokespersons said Thursday:  We have concluded joint investigations
concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations team,
separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The
accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...

OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 11:40:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Very Short Books (Offensive to too many people to mention)

     1) A Guide to Arab Democracies

     2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

     3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

     4) Career Opportunities for History Majors

     5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II

     6) Detroit - A Travel Guide (with a forward by H. Mainhardt)

     7) Different Ways to Spell "BOB"

     8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

     9) Easy UNIX

     10) Canadian Tips on World Dominance

     11) Everything Men Know About Women

     12) French Hospitality

     13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

     14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

     15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

     16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers

     17) Popular Lawyers

     18) Staple Your Way to Success

     19) Tasty Bile Recipes

     20) The Amish Phone Book

     21) Gypsy Sports Heroes

     22) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan

     23) Chic Mormon Hairstyles

     24) Remarkable Texans

     25) Around the World in a Peugeot

     26) Fat-free German Cooking

     27) English Tanning Secrets

     28) The Charm of the South

     29) Swiss Beaches- A Guide

     30) Spicy Irish Cooking

     31) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns

     32) Great Cars of Russia

     33) Advances in Chinese Human Rights

     34) Investing - The Albanian Way

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 13:28:38 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Nashville TN, U.S.A.

 From the Nashville (TN) Scene:

 About a year and a half ago, I was driving my Peterbilt down Gallatin Road
 near Ma & Pa's Bar. All of a sudden, I looked over and saw this naked man
 walking down the street. This woman was about to pull out into traffic, and
 she looked over and saw the naked man. I don't know why, but she throws her
 car in reverse and starts flying backwards down the street about 50 mph. She
 didn't even look in the rearview mirror. When you see people driving the way
 they do in Nashville, consider this: They may have a reason.

 --Phil Lee, singer/truck driver

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 15:12:19 -0400
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Short psycho joke (really corny)

What do you call a psychiatrist who just happens to be a midget as well?

A shrink!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 10:45:56 -0400
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: Science Test

The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams:

1) When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
2) H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
3) To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
   tube.
4) When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
5) Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
   state.
6) Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
   Hydrogin is gin and water.
7) Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
8) Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
9) Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then
   expectoration.
10) The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.
11) Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
    of the bull.
12) Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
    them perspire.
13) A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
14) Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
    umbrellas.
15) The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
    abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
    the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of
    which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u.
16) The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
17) The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
18) The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
    and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
    something to hitch meat to.
19) A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars,
    & 8 cuspidors.
20) The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
    towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
    abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
21) A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
22) Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on
    the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.
23) Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
24) Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
25) Liter: A nest of young puppies.
26) Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
27) Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
28) Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
29) Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
30) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
31) Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
    affirmative or negative.
32) To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
33) For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the
    heart stops.
34) For drowing: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
    artifical perspiration.
35) For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm
    above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
    nearest medical doctor.
36) For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not
    recovered, then kill it.
37) For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
    dead.
38) To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
39) For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
    your throat.
40) To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.


http://geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 21:02:02 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Political Satire <May offend right & left wing,
         insensitive to Vince Foster>

Ten Plays William Shakespeare might write today.

1. The Taming of the Shrew - The story of Newt's ethics violations
2. Much Ado About Nothing - A three act play with Act 1 in a motel room in
   Little Rock; Act 2 in the courtroom of the Untied States Supreme Court;
   Act 3 is a chair throwing episode on Geraldo between Bill and Paula
3. Henry VIII (Ate) - The Rush Limbaugh diet play
4. King Smear - The story of American elections
5. All's Well That Ends Well - Hillary Clinton explains Vince Foster's
   Suicide
6. The Merchant of Washington -  The story of American political campaign
   financing
7. Richard IV - Richard M. Nixon returns from the dead to accept an
   appointment as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (the ultimate
   political comeback)
8. Romeo and Juliet - Jesse Jackson's son falls in love with Michael Reagan's
   daughter
9. The Comedy of Errors - A 9000 page plagiarism of the Untied States Tax
   Code
10. As You Like It - Congress enacts, verbatim, a law written entirely by a
    special interest lobbyist

Copyright 1997 by C. Fenton Trunt all rights reserved, Gig Harbor,
Washington.  Permission is granted to post or distribute this work with
credit given to the copyright holder

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 23:13:24 +0000
From:    Stephen Richard <warlord@CITYNET.NET>
Subject: Random Thought (clean)

Many go through life always looking down, thats fine if your looking
for money on the ground...but its not so good if you dont see the
poll your about ready to walk into.


A famous sculpter when asked how he did such a masterpeice said..
The masterpeice was always there I just removed the peices
that were covering it up and didnt belong


http://www.citynet.net/personal/warlord/index.html

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jul 1997 to 19 Jul 1997
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