HUMOR Digest - 17 Jul 1997 to 18 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 366 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Celebrities <adult humor>
  2. Faith & Pragmatism <clean>
  3. The angel
  4. HUMOR - Rules for Dogs
  5. Dominick's
  6. And sometimes a Banana is not a banana (suggestive)
  7. Kiddie Quotes (part 6.2)
  8. Recreational Vehicles
  9. playing doctor <adult>
 10. More venting or other one-liners
 11. Breakfast jokes <illegal drug ref.>
 12. Guide To Safe Fax <adult thoughts>

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Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 03:37:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Celebrities <adult humor>

* Perhaps you've heard about the latest heart throb macho movie
  star.  He lost an awful lot of fans after appearing in his first
  porno film.  The ladies were disappointed he had such a small part.
                                - - - - -

* The Vatican is busily trying to quell rumors that they're going
  to start freezing Holy Water and sell them as "Popesicles".
                                - - - - -

*   I heard that President Clinton was enjoying a private interlude
  with his secretary when Hillary burst into the Oval Office and
  found them in a rather compromising position.
    "How dare you make love to that woman !" she shrieked.
    "I had to sweetheart," he calmly apologized.  "She was getting
  jealous of my receptionist."
                                - - - - -

*   The distraught female patient exclaimed to her psychiatrist:
  "I have no talent !  I can't act !  I can't sing !  I can't even
  dance !  I want to quit show business."
    "Then why don't you ?" asked the shrink.
    "I can't !" she sobbed.  "I'm a star."
                                - - - - -

* A story making the rounds for years concerns a call girl who said
  to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello: "I just love your comedy.  It's a
  real privilege to serve you both.  So... who's on first ?"
                                - - - - -

*   When Clint Eastwood was a Mayor, he's supposed to have seen a
  citizen littering.  He was about to use his cell phone to call for
  a policeman when the citizen said: "This is my first offense, honest
  Mr. Eastwood.  Couldn't you just give me a warning ?"
    At that, Clint stood back, drew his .44 and fired two shots over
  the guy's head.

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Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 12:09:35 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Faith & Pragmatism <clean>

There is a monastery in Greece perched high on a cliff, several hundred feet
in the air. The only way to reach the monastery is to be suspended
in a basket which is pulled to the top by several monks who pull
and tug with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket is terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed
that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him
in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought
for a moment and answered serenely: "Whenever it breaks."


*My wife and I are in love with the same man: me.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 13:45:28 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The angel

Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says:
- I've realised that my wife is an angel.
- Mine isn't human too, said the second.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 06:39:05 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Rules for Dogs

  Dog Rules

 The dog is not allowed in the house.
 Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
 The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
 The dog can get on the old furniture only.
 Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to
 sleep with the humans on the bed.
 Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
 The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
 The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
 The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
 Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 12:24:40 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dominick's

There is a big grocery store chain in the Chicago area called Dominick's. It
was originally called Dominick & Arty's, because it was started by two
brothers named Dominick and Arty.
Well, early on in the partnership, Arty and Dominick had a big falling out
which resulted in Dominick buying Arty out and Arty moving to California.
Well, Dominick prospered to the point where he was very wealthy and, like
many wealthy men, he decided that he wanted to be free to do as he pleased.
He knew, however, that if he divorced his wife, she would get half of
everything he had, so he decided to have her bumped off.
Well, he could think of nobody better suited to the job than his brother
Arty, so one night he called Arty up and asked him if he would do the job for
$100,000. Arty replied, "Dominick, I know we've had our differences, but I
can understand the situation you are in. We brothers and you don't even have
to pay me  I'll do it for free." Dominick said, "Well, I want to pay you
something for it." to which Arty replied, "OK, just give me a dollar."
So they set it all up. One night Dominick had a good alibi and was away from
the house. Arty flew in from California and went over to Dominick's house. He
quietly slipped into the house because Dominick had given him the combination
to the alarm. Once inside, he ran across the butler. Well, Arty was a big guy
and could just be an animal. He grabbed the butler with his hands and choked
him until he was dead. He started up the stairs where he encountered the
maid. Arty, animal with his hands, grabbed her and choked her to death. He
went upstairs, found Dominick's wife in bed, grabbed her and choked her to
death also.
Well a neighbor had heard some commotion and called the police. They arrived
just as Arty was leaving the house and arrested him.
Do you know what the headlines in the paper the next day were? Arty chokes
three for a dollar at Dominick's.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 14:10:20 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: And sometimes a Banana is not a banana (suggestive)

The following item is take verbatim from the "Politics this week" page of the
July 12th 97 issue of *The Economist* (European edition):

"Canaan Banana, the former president of Zimbabwe, was charged with sodomy and
homosexual assault."

This is the same issue that reports ("Lexington" pg 46) a metaphor
delightfully mixed by a US senator who says it is time "to take the bull by
the tail and face the situation".

The summer crew at *The Economist* seem to have swung into action again. Stand
by for more.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 16:15:27 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Kiddie Quotes (part 6.2)

     From Christian Southwick

     CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

     "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is
     on television."  Jill, age 6

     "Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime."  Floyd, age 9

     "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a
     tree." Carey, age 7

     "Love will find you.  Even if you hide from it.  I have been trying to
     hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."  Dave,
     age 8

     "I'm not rushing into being in love.  I'm finding the fourth grade
     hard enough."  Regina, age 10

     THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

     "Sensitivity don't hurt."  Robbie, age 8

     "One of you should know how to write a check.  Because even if you
     have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."  Ava,
     age 8

     SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

     "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."  Del, age 6

     "Shake your hips and hope for the best."  Camille, age 9

     "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't
     worry if their parents are right there."  Manuel, age 8

     "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.  You might get
     attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."  Alonzo, age 9

     "One way is to take the girl out to eat.  Make sure it's something she
     likes to eat.  French fries usually works for me."  Bart, age 9

     HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

     "Just see if the man picks up the check.  That's how you can tell if
     he is in love."  Bobby, age 9

     "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
     cold...other people care more about their food."  Bart, age 9

     "Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they are just
     wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke
     up."  Sarah, age 9

     "See if the man has lipstick on his face."  Sandra, age 7

     "It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire.  They
     like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are---on
     fire." Christine, age 9

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 14:12:00 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Recreational Vehicles

There's a Recreational Vehicle show and seminar in town. The feature article
in the local newspaper asks "RV Having Fun Yet?"

Y'know, many RVs cost as much as a house. When people buy one, they're
investing in Wheel Estate.

RV enthusiasts not only pack all their worldly possessions with them, but
they also name their castles-on-wheels after famous havens for travelers.
One license plate frame reads: CRAM-A-LOT INN.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 10:16:03 -0400
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: playing doctor <adult>

A boy and a girl are playing to the doctor.
The boy shows his penis to the girl and says :
"Look I have one of this and you don't"
The girl replies:
"Yeah, but my mom says that when I grow up I can have as many as I want"


http://geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:17:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting or other one-liners

Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wdding ring, and
the suffering.

To the person who wanted the Generation X'ers to say, "You are
welcome." Sure, no problem.

I called my local calbe company to complain about my service, and the
guy told me to "turn the TV off and read a book."

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It's amazing what
you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

NASA says that rovr is female, but I don't believe it. I saw it lift
its leg against that big rock.

Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich.

Sign seen in Calhou, GA: "Dirt wanted; must be clean."

"I brake for tailgaters."

If the NEA would fund wrestling, Newt Gingrich would be increasing
their budget instead of trying to eliminate it.

Bill Clinton's approval ratings increase even more if he would do the
right thing: Divorce Hillary Rodham and marry Paula Jones.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 19:05:20 EDT
From:    Keli C Bolin <just.keli@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Breakfast jokes <illegal drug ref.>

Once upon a time, there was a small town named Trit.  The town was very
pleasant, until a giant moved in.  The giant got his jollies from kicking
the tiny residents of Trit. The Trits decided to take action by
requesting that their Rabbi talk to the giant.  The rabbi visited the
giant's home, and the giant welcomed him.  "Tell me, Brother Giant. Why
do you not kick me, like you do the others?"  The giant smiled and
replied, "Silly Rabbi...kicks are for Trits!"
			----------------------

Breakfast of champions:  Crack, Snapple, pot.
	
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 18 Jul 1997 10:49:42 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Guide To Safe Fax <adult thoughts>

Guide to the Safe Fax

  1. Do I have to be married to have fax?

       Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
       who fax complete strangers everyday.

  2. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only
     allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one.
     How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?

       Faxing can be performed at any age, once they learn the correct
       procedure.

  3. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

       Certainly not, as far as we can see.

  4. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is
     this legal?

        Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax needs and must
        pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

  5. Should a cover always be used when faxing?

       Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet
       should be used to insure 'safe fax'.

  6. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and fax prematurely?

       Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in
       a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you fax them
       again.

  7. I have a personal fax and a business fax. Can transmissions become
     mixed up?

       Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
       each one, you won't transmit anything you are not supposed to.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jul 1997 to 18 Jul 1997
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