HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1997 to 17 Jul 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 349 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The 90's <adult humor>
  2. Assorted humor from India
  3. Appendectomy (Adult Humor)
  4. The Barber Shop (not off.)
  5. Mary Poppins rates a hotel <?HUMOR?????>
  6. Kiddie Quotes (part 6.1)
  7. *SEX counties beware
  8. A Question Of .. <adult,very>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 02:54:32 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The 90's <adult humor>

*   My teacher is really giving me a tuff time." the eight grader
  was telling his Father.
    "Handle it this way Tommy." the man advised. "Take special care
  with your personal appearance and attire.  Pay attention in class.
  And do your assignments and homework promptly."
    "I really don't think that'll help Dad." the youngster rejoined.
  "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."
                                - - - - -

* Now that there's professional women's basketball, there are rumors
  going around New England that women's baseball teams might not
  be far behind.  One chauvinistic sports writer, for a well known
  newspaper in the area, even suggested they attract fans by going
  topless.  He added they could even be called the "Boston Globes."
                                - - - - -

*   "How about that shapely new female pro ?" said one golf club
  member to another.
    "Damn waste of time." responded advised his fellow player.
    "What makes ya say that ?" asked the first.
    "I've already gotten out of bounds with her and learned she's
  an unpliable lay."
                                - - - - -

*   "I've been getting it on with an aerospace expediter." confided
  the one girlfriend to another.
    "Is that any better than a plain old vibrator." asked the second.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in
  a hit TV show.  All she had to do was divide her favors between the
  star and the producer.  It was just a sham though, she never got any
  air time at all.  You might even say she was shared skitless.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 08:38:39 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Assorted humor from India

Stolen from the Sunday Times of India
(http://www.timesofindia.com) - Gag bag section

Q: Why can't you beat Agassi?
A: Because Brooke Shields him.
Q: Why does the moneylender prefer to be alone?
A: Because he's a loaner.
Q: Why is Indian cricket team's performance nightmarish?
A: Because it's a dream team.
               Vikram Singh Barnath, Mumbai

An absentminded professor walks home all drenched. Tells his
wife: I forgot to take my umbrella.
Wife: When did you realise it?
Professor: You see, it was pouring when I left the college, but
when I was a furlong away from the house the rain stopped. So I
thought I should shut the umbrella, but it wasn't there!
               Shreyas A. Shetty, Mumbai

Hong Kong has reverted to China,
Britain says no gesture could be finer.
She'd have us forget the odium
Of having smuggled opium
And fallen upon it like a hungry hyena.

The boxing champion named Tyson
Said: I'll eat you raw, my son,
He started with the ears,
And when that raised jeers,
He said: He butted me like a bison.

               Prabhat S. Vaidya, Mumbai

A drunk motorist, caught for speeding, explained to the
policeman that he was too drunk to drive safely, so he was
hurrying home before he caused an accident.

Alcoholic: Doctor, my hands won't stop shaking.
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Alcoholic: No, I spill most of it.
               R.Lakshmi, Calcutta

Waiter: Would you have egg on toast sir?
Customer: Why, haven't you got any plates?

A tourist guide accompanying a group of ladies to the Niagara
falls was annoyed with their constant chattering. Finally he told
them, ``Will the ladies please stop talking for a while so that we
can hear the roar of the Niagara falls?''
               N.K.Venkateswaran, Dombivli

Alice: This is the picture of my new boyfriend, Harold.
Nancy: Gosh, he's handsome.
Alice: Well, you know he likes to go to museums and he's crazy
about classical music and good literature.
Nancy: Oh, he is? Well, I guess, nobody's perfect!
               Simi Ratra, New Delhi

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 09:14:11 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Appendectomy (Adult Humor)

What do they call it when you have your appendix removed? An appendectomy.
How about when you get your tonsils out? A tonsilectomy.
So what do they call it when a woman has a sex change operation?
Add-a-dick-to-me.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 12:04:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Barber Shop (not off.)

 A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a
 twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first haircut. When her turn comes,
 she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her.
 Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on
 your twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," replies the
 girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 14:18:39 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Mary Poppins rates a hotel <?HUMOR?????>

I do not know the author of the following, but have included the name
of the malefactor who passed it along to me.

From: "Irish @->-->----"

Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided
to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked
for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied curteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary.

"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.

"Certainly madam", he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely. The receptionist
nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached", Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the
night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to
check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam..sleep well?"
"Yes thank you", Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think
I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho..they really weren't that nice
at all", Mary replied truthfully.

"Oh..well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would
value your opinion", said the receptionist.

"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who then checked out, paused a while,
then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her
journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.
Here it is...

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious !!!"

APPENDIX:

        My daughter is taking piano lessons.  She is a beginner always on the
lookout for familiar tunes.  Her piano teacher is a grad student in biology,
a very accomplished pianist and a recent immigrant from China.  The little
cultural gaps that show up can be quite humorous.

        When my daughter got a Disney songbook excitedly showed it to her
teacher, saying that she wanted to learn to play all of the tunes in it.  My
daughter flipped the book open to the song SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS
and her teacher's jaw dropped open about a foot.

        "Is that all one word?" she asked.
                                                                JM
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 16:18:43 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Kiddie Quotes (part 6.1)

     From: Christian Southwick

     HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

     "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
     don't get up for at least an hour."   Wendy, age 8

     "Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails
     nearly as much."  Arnold, age 10

     "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together
     in the dark."  Shem, age 8

     CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

     "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
     freckles too."  Andrew, age 6

     "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
     with how you smell...that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular."
     Mae, age 9

     "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
     the rest of it isn't supposed to be painful."  Manuel, age 8

     ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

     "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."  John, age 9

     "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want
     to do it.  It takes too long."  Glenn, age 7

     ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

     "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
     it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."  Anita, age 8

     "It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me,  I'm handsome as
     anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."  Brian, age 7

     "Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a lifetime."
     Christine, age 9

     REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

     "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
     good too."  Greg, age 8

     CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

     "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
     good money for them."  Gavin, age 8

     "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
     aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."  John, age 9

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 02:16:06 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: *SEX counties beware

Three New Jersey counties have found that information they put up on the
Internet is being blocked.  The Newark (NJ) Star Ledger reports that
screening tools (they specifically mention the AOL tool) block access to
the Sussex County Fair, Middlesex County College, Essex County College,
and the Essex County Clerk's office.  It should be obvious what's going
on.  The string "sex" triggers blocking of these sites.  A spokesman for
Net Nanny reportedly said that most problems occur when parents rely on
the broadest keywords possible, adding that "...some people don't read
the manuals."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Jul 1997 09:36:28 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Question Of .. <adult,very>

 Q.Arnold Schwarzenneger has a long one, Michael J. Fox has a short one,
   Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope doesn't use his any more.What's it?

 A.  A last name

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1997 to 17 Jul 1997
************************************************
