HUMOR Digest - 15 Jul 1997 to 16 Jul 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Government Satire <may be offensive to IRS employees and taxpayers>
  2. The Dating Scene <adult humor>
  3. Mother-In-Law (offensive to mothers-in-law)
  4. DNA from the programming perspective
  5. reply to Bill Edwards
  6. AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
  7. Humor - Worst Prose Contest
  8. Senior citizens-mildly offensive
  9. HUMOR: How's that again?
 10. Hillary Joke <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 02:31:15 -0400
From:    Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Government Satire <may be offensive to IRS employees and taxpayers>

The following is the actual Misson Statement of the Internal Revenue Service
taken from the United States Deaprtment of Treasury Publication 594.  At
least the IRS has a sense of humor.

"The purpose of the Internal Revenue Service is to collect the proper amount
of tax revenue at the least cost; serve the public by continually improving
the quality of our products and services; and perform in a manner warranting
the highest degree of public confidence in our integrity, efficiency and
fairness."

I call this Bureaucratic Ipecac.  It certainally made me vomit when I read
it.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 02:41:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Dating Scene <adult humor>

* "But honest, eighty-five isn't old at all for a young-at-heart nice
  old-fashioned billionaire like you." gushed the Yuppette.
                                - - - - -

*   "But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car.
  "We were only necking."
    "OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and
   get outta here."
                                - - - - -

*   Their son had been a wallflower and mostly dateless all thru his
  early teen years.  After talking on the phone with him from his
  college dorm, the Mother told the Father that Seymour was finally
  seriously dating.
    "A nice college girl, I hope." said the Father.
    "Not exactly." sniffed the Mother. "He's dating another man."
    "Oy, vay !!!" shouted Mr. Ruthenburg.
    "But there's still something to be thankful for." the wife said,
  trying to hold back tears, and console her husband.
    "And just vot the hell could that be already ?" asked Max.
    "Seymour's dating a doctor." she beamed.
                                - - - - -

*   The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was happy the
  nite was finally over.  At her apartment door, he suddenly said
  "Hey ! You wantta see my underwear ?"
    Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in
  the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.
    She glanced down and said, "Nice pattern.  But does it also come in
  men's sizes ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The guy had invited his girl to attend a Halloween party with him,
  and showed up at her door wearing only a pair of roller blades.
    "Uh, and just what the hell are you supposed to be ?" she asked.
    "What else ?" he replied smiling.  "I'm a pull toy."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 09:34:15 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mother-In-Law (offensive to mothers-in-law)

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf. He
thought to himself, "Oh, message in a bottle." He took out the cork and out
popped a genie. The genie said, "Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have
3 wishes -- however, I'm a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so
anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double."

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous
house appeared. Just then -- POOF!! -- a house twice as big appeared next
door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned
to the genie and said, "For my second wish, put $10 million on that table."
Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next
door, the money was flying out the windows -- his mother-in-law got $20
million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, "OK, let me
get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double." The
genie said, "Yes, I'm the mother-in-law genie, and that's the way it works."
After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie
and says, "OK, for my third wish, beat me half to death!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 14:15:42 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: DNA from the programming perspective

   For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact
that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful
function. Last night God revealed the mystery by posting the code on a
warez site. I am just posting the first segment of a 98898 segment file.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is
that the rest of it is comments.

   Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin
as follows:

   ===
   /* HUMAN_DNA.H
    *
    * Human Genome
    * Version 2.1
    *
    * (C) God
    */

   /* Revision history:
    *
    * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
    * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
    * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit
    *      messy --will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
    * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code
    *                        from elephant-dna.c
    * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
    * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
    * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
    * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin color
    *                        made darker to match my own image.
    * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom'
    *           teeth Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
    * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
    * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high
    *    population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
    * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in
    *                        centra of CD.
    */

   /* Standard definitions
    */

   #define SEX male
   #define HEIGHT 1.84
   #define MASS 68
   #define RACE caucasian

   /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
    *
    * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
    * inheritance features.
    */

   #include "mother.h"
   #include "father.h"

   #infndef FATHER
   #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
   #include "bastard.h"
   #endif

   /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
    */
   #include

   /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a
     * proper library sometime soon.
    */
   struct genitals
      {
   #ifdef MALE
      Penis *jt;
   #endif
      /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
   #ifdef FEMALE
      Vagina *p;
   #endif
      }

   /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
    * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
    */
   DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

   /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
    *
    * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
    * organism to display at birth.
    *
    * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
    */
   Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
   ===

   ...and so on.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 12:36:19 EDT
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: reply to Bill Edwards

>> If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make? <<

  An airplane.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 10:19:39 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false
rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares
Vallis on Friday.  Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy
The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude
weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares
Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a
story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in
the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop,
"deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases".  Minutes later, General
Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict
the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable
vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by
incidences involving swamp gas.  But the general public has been slow to
accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate
on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.  Conspiracy theorists
have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government
cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 14:11:03 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Worst Prose Contest

'Tamper-proof tale' takes honors in worst prose contest

 SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Prose poseurs have a new clown prince.  Artie
Kalemeris, of Fairfax, Virginia, won top honors Monday in the Bulwer-Lytton
fiction contest, an annual tribute to wretched writing.

 Mocking detective fiction conventions, he wrote:  "The moment he laid eyes
on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom
floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap
of the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her
thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit
the exact spot where the tab clicks into place..."

 Kalemeris, 43, in charge of training and communications for a computer
company, said he's known for writing strange sendoffs for going-away
parties. A friend read about the contest and talked him into entering.

 "It's not easy to write a bad sentence," Kalemeris said immodestly.

 The competition to write the worst opening to imaginary novels is named
after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who began his
1830 novel "Paul Clifford" with the infamous opening line, "It was a dark
and stormy night."

 San Jose State English professor Scott Rice, who has run the contest for
16 years, said thanks in part to the Internet, entries doubled this year
with a large international contingent from Australia, Canada and South
Africa, and from as far away as China.

 Each year there are inexplicable themes to the entries, and 1997 was no
exception.

 "We had a lot of retching for some reason, and there was a lot of Clinton
stuff, most of it unprintable," Rice said. "Animals were big, too."

  Rice said he plans to keep the contest going as long as the public can
stand it.  And he assures professional writers there is something to be
learned from bad prose.

 "There are a lot of sacred cows out there to be gored," said Rice, mashing
a metaphor in classic Bulwer-Lytton style.

 Copyright 1997   The Associated Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 18:15:24 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Senior citizens-mildly offensive

Sam moves into a nursing home.  As he looks over the list of citizens living
there, he realizes there are 3 times as many women as men.  He decides this
is a good time to make so money, so he posts a sign on his door.  SEX FOR
SALE.
The first night he has a knock on the door.
Sadie says, "What does your sign mean."
Sam replies "I am selling sex."
"Well," says Sadie, "How much?"
Sam thinks slowly and replies, "I hadn't thought much about prices, but I
suppose it will be $5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the chair, $15.00 standing
up, and $20.00 on the bed."
Sam is quite relieved when he sees Sadie reach in her purse and pull out a
twenty dollar bill.
"Oh, you want it on the bed."
"No," says Sadie, "4 on the floor!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 21:50:56 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: How's that again?

     PROFESSOR:
         Although in modern English the double negative is usually
         taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
         negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
         _always_ an intensified affirmative.  There is no known case of a
         double affirmative being used as a negative.

     STUDENT:  Yeah, right.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 16 Jul 1997 09:22:09 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Hillary Joke <clean>

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas.  On a venture one day, they stopped at a service
station to fill up the car with gas.  It seemed that the owner of the
station was once Hillary's high school love.  They exchanged hellos, and
went on their way.  As they were driving on to their destination, Bill
put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed
with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She
smiled and replied, "No.  If I had stayed with him, he would be
President of the United States."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jul 1997 to 16 Jul 1997
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