HUMOR Digest - 14 Jul 1997 to 15 Jul 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 464 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Losing your virginity <adult theme>
  2. Female Wit <adult humor>
  3. Quips  <clean>
  4. Humor: Rules..Offensive to women?
  5. Dr. Seuss' Lesser Known Books (contains offensive language)
  6. THE CORPORATE ZODIAC
  7. Humor: Oral joke on AIDS <corny>
  8. Humor - It's A  Wacky World
  9. Some laffs (shouldn't be off.)
 10. Sesame Street Bus (may be offensive to obese)
 11. Police Officer
 12. More ventings from the South
 13. Classic Sardar Joke <adult>

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Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 08:56:12 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert <MMT@HK.MOBILE.TELIA.SE>
Subject: Losing your virginity <adult theme>

Bill and Mark are out walking in the country one fine summer evening.
Bill : "Hey Mark, you see that grove of trees over there ? Well that's where I had sex for the first time .... we made love while her mother stood beside and watched over us !"
Mark, being a bit shy, was a little shocked to hear this : "Are you serious ? Did her mother say anything ?"
Bill: "Yeah she said  Baaaaaaaaaah!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 03:13:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Female Wit <adult humor>

*   Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display
  an ugly side.  An unescorted female sat down beside him and he
  whispered to her, "Hey !  How about it babe ?   You and me ?"
    As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like
  you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
    She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you
  think I charge by the inch ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way
  too qualified for the job.
    "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
  picking lemons ?"
    "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied.  "I've been
  divorced three times."
                                - - - - -

*   The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning
  gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
    "Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station ?
  Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
    "Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all
  my writing anyway."
                                - - - - -

*   The exhibitionist flashed the woman on the street and said, "I
  wantta get in your grove with this baby."
    "How very quaint." she said.  "Yes, it does indeed remind one
  of the old time phonograph needle."
                                - - - - -

*   Getting nowhere fast, the guy tried an old line on the girl:
  "Besides... I'll bet we could make beautiful music together."
    "Well sure," she replied, "provided your taste runs to 'The
  Minute Waltz'."

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Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 13:38:25 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Quips  <clean>

My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me
her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens
and twenties.

I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 08:48:49 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Rules..Offensive to women?

 In response to the popular "Woman's 50 Rules for Men"...

 Here are some rules for women...

      1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

      2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

      3. Don't make us guess.

      4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
         expect an answer you don't want to hear.

      5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

      6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

      7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different,
         it's just like every other cat.

      8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

      9. Sunday = Sports.
         It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
         Let it be.

      10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

      11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

      12. You have enough clothes.

      13. You have too many shoes.

      14. Crying is blackmail.
          Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

      15. Your brother is an idiot.

      16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

      17. No, he doesn't know what day it is.
          He never will. Mark anniversaries.

      18. Share the bathroom.

      19. Share the closet.

      20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

      21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
          See a doctor.

      22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.

      23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

      24. Check your oil.

      25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 10:15:47 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Dr. Seuss' Lesser Known Books (contains offensive language)

     DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS

     1. The Cat in the Blender
     2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
     3. Fox in Detox
     4. Who Shat in the Hat?
     5. Horton Feels a Ho
     6. The Lemon Fresh Lorax
     7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
     8. Your Colon Can Moo Can You?
     9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
     10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
     11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
     12. Are You My Proctologist?
     13. Yentl the Lentil
     14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
     15. Aunts in My Pants
     16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
     17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
     18. The Grinch's Ten Inches


(I do not know the original author)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 08:32:57 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: THE CORPORATE ZODIAC

What sign are you?

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The
Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you
like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title,
people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING:

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing -
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

SALES:

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you
are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you
to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can
"concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY:

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is
written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING:

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that
ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy
with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic"
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING:

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES:

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be
the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person
that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a
letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT N DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT N "TEAM LEADS":

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule
for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers,"
as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule
for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers,"
as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE:

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your
manager.

CONSULTANT:

666.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 10:43:38 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Oral joke on AIDS <corny>

This doesn't work on paper, but you can reel someone in with this when
told orally.

You state "Hey, I heard an incredible statistic from [name a source]
that the number one carrier of AIDS in this country are people age 65
and older!"

You'll probably get a wide-eyed look and a "Really?" because it takes a
second for people to assess the absurdity of that statement.  So you
pause and then say:

"Yeah.  Hearing aids, walking aids, bandaids, sleepaids,...."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 11:12:22 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A  Wacky World

           Robber returns money, then victims jump-start his car.

 ST. PETERS, Missouri (AP) -- A gunman robbed a convenience store of less
than $100 -- then gave it back because his car wouldn't start.

 In return, the two clerks at the 7-11 gave his car a jump-start. They also
waited 40 minutes before calling police, and didn't get the guy's license
plate number.

 "We have a friendly town out here," police Officer David Kuppler said of
the St. Louis suburb.

 Kuppler said the robber told the clerks the holdup was a joke, but he also
noted that the robber "still had the gun and (the clerks were) just
complying with him."

 About an hour after the 7-Eleven heist early Friday, a suspect was
arrested following a robbery at a nearby gas station, along with an alleged
helper. Each was charged with two counts of first-degree robbery, said Paul
Kaiser of the St. Charles County prosecutor's office.

 The manager of the 7-Eleven, who would not give his name, referred
questions to the franchise owner but would not provide his name.

 Margaret Chabris, spokeswoman for the Dallas-based Southland Corp., parent
company of 7-Eleven, said there was no indication the clerks did anything
wrong. She said 7-Eleven clerks are advised not to be confrontational and
not to resist a robber. "If there's a robbery, we can replace the money and
the product," she said.

 As for giving the robber a jump-start, she said: "If there's a gun, then
maybe they made the right decision, depending on how threatened they felt."


 Copyright 1997 Associated Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 14:38:15 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some laffs (shouldn't be off.)

 Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat
 up whose father. One boy said: "my father is better than you father." The
 other kid said: "Oh yeah! Well, my mother is better than your mother."
 The 1st boy paused and then said: "I guess you're right. My father says
 the very same thing."

 A 70 year old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 18
 year old girl and falls immediately in love. They get married and go to
 Florida for their honeymoon. When they return, a friend ask him: "Well,
 how was it?" "Oh it was beautiful", he says. "The sun, the surf, the
 fresh air...we mad love almost every night." His friend intejects: "A man
 your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh", says the old
 man, "we almost made love on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on......"

 A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some
 preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and
 generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl
 starts laughing. The fellow asked her what was so amusing. "Your organ",
 she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not
 used to playing in cathedrals."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 17:20:58 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sesame Street Bus (may be offensive to obese)

This is my first posting
 

Did you ever wonder how those kids get to Sesame Street to tape the show?
Well, there is a Sesame Street Bus!

John was new at driving the bus and didn't really know what to expect of the
kids. At his first stop, a little girl gets on and marches up to him and
says,"Hi, my name is Pat and I'm fat." She then sits in the back of the bus.

Second stop another girl gets on and says,"Hi, I'm Patricia and I'm obese."
She goes and sits next to Pat. John just shakes his head.

Third stop, a little boy gets on and says to John,"I'm Ross, and I'm
special." He marches to the back and sits by the girls.

Next stop, another boy gets on and says, "My name is Lester Cheese." Lester
sits down right behind John and proceeds to take his shoes and socks off. He
has bunions on his feet and starts to pick at them.

John is watching in his rearview mirror and doesn't notice a stop sign as he
blows through it. As luck would have it, a police officer was sitting there,
pulled him over and started really giving him a tongue-lashing for dangerous
driving with kids on the bus.

John said to the officer, "Please give me a break. Don't you realize what I
have here? -- 2 obese patties, special ross, lester cheese picking bunions on
a sesame street bus!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 17:31:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Police Officer

>Sent From: Griff Evans

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear
view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90
miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures
"what the heck," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He
leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I
just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The
man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off
with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror,
I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to
me!


---
I'm in a class by myself.  Everyone else graduated.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 21:58:32 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More ventings from the South

The source of most of these one-liners is the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution's Vent column

It must be true men are from Mars. Look at how the place is
decorated.

If you think an ego trip takes a lot of baggage, you should try a
guilt trip.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

I stayed up all night worrying if I'd get enough sleep.

When I was a kid growing up we had a smoking control. She was called
Mama.

If at first you don't succeed, you are about average.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the seaty things.

If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 15 Jul 1997 09:25:32 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Classic Sardar Joke <adult>

 Shatabdi express from Bombay to Delhi stopped amidst thick forest.
 Suddenly few dacoits enter the train with syringes filled with blood.
 They announce that they have HIV infected blood in the syringe, any
 passenger not willing to give his belongings will be injected and has to
 suffer from AIDS. One Saradarji sitting in a corner seat smiles. All
 passengers start giving their belongings. Docoits start collecting from
 one by one but our Saradarji refuses to give in even though he did not
 have much belongings. Dacoits warn him that they will inject him with
 the blood but Sardarji starts laughing. The dacoits inject him with the
 virus and take off. All passengers gather round him and ask why he
 refused to separate with his belongings at the cost of his life . The
 Sardar replies " You see they didn't know that I was wearing a condom " !!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jul 1997 to 15 Jul 1997
************************************************
