HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1997 to 14 Jul 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 203 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Some Puns <adult humor>
  2. Humor: Cheating
  3. Humor - It's A  Wacky World
  4. Tyson News Compendium <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 13 Jul 1997 03:27:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Some Puns <adult humor>

* At a local coffee shop here in Howard County Maryland there's a
  friendly lil' hostess who always has a warm smile, a friendly
  greeting and loves to date.  Rumor has it that she'll often even
  go to bed with the guy on the first date.  She's become known as
  the perky copulator.
                                - - - - -

* Coitus interruptus is nothing more than a pulled muscle.
                                - - - - -

*   Years ago, some farmers who were attending a National Convention
  of The Grange invited some call girls to their rooms.  One poor old
  fellow was so nervous that he wore a mask to hide his identity.
    On the way out of the hotel one call girl asked the other. "Who was
  that masked man anyway ?"
    "Why dearie," she replied giggling, "that was the blown Granger."
                                - - - - -

* I was really touched by the story of a young thang so orally gifted
  that she rose from poverty to become quite a wealthy woman -- though
  at the cost of an aching jaw.  It's a real Fellatio Neuralgia story.
                                - - - - -

* Impotence is nothing more than zero copulation growth.
                                - - - - -

* Certain female employees of the MTA in Baltimore decided to supplement
  their low wages by becoming street walkers.  They all bleached their
  hair and took to the streets.  Being MTA employees, they had no need
  of cabs to travel to their "appointments", being able to ride any mass
  transit for free.  They became popular with the Johns who could save a
  buck or two on the cab fare.  Thus, they quickly became known as the
  taxi-free municipal blondes.
                                - - - - -

* Planned Parenthood is nothing more than another form of Emission Control.

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Date:    Sun, 13 Jul 1997 08:27:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Cheating

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam
says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was
wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?  You
don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."

"Well, all right, three times..."

"Three, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...  Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever,
to do such a thing for me....  So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch
you...  Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do
the surgery himself and care for you until you were in good shape
again...  Well...."

"Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life...  I couldn't have a more wonderful wife...  To do such a thing,
oy vay, you must really love me darling...  I couldn't be more
moved... So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the congregation....  And you were 47 votes short...."


---
Speaking for myself -- and I am unanimous in this...

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Jul 1997 13:32:01 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A  Wacky World

                    Pageant Becoming Politically Correct.

Houston Chronicle (c)

FORT WORTH -- Remember the days when beauty contests
were beauty contests and the winners were queens? Likely as not, the queens
were regal young girls with charm, poise, polish and the ability to model a
bathing suit nicely.

Well, those days are over. And, to underscore that point, officials with
the Fort Worth-based Miss Texas Organization recently reminded the media of
how times -- and terms -- have changed.

The queen, noted Randy F. Pruett, Miss Texas public relations chairperson,
now properly should be called the "state representative, local
representative or winner."

A crown is a "title," a beauty contest a "scholarship program," a reign a
"year of service or year of tenure."

This sentence now would be discouraged: "The well-groomed girls displayed
the sure marks of royalty, poise and polish, as they vied for the Miss
Texas throne."

Instead, the sensitive reporter would write: "The physically conscientious
individuals (or women, contestants, ladies or Texans) displayed the sure
marks of significant role models, self-confidence and professionalism, as
they vied for the Miss Texas position."

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Date:    Mon, 14 Jul 1997 10:33:53 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Tyson News Compendium <clean>

 From Melissa:-

 Actual headlines about the Holyfield-Tyson fight from actual newspapers
 around the country:

 "A Bad Bite for Boxing"__The News & Observer of Raleigh
 "Twice Bitten"__Times-Picayune of New Orleans
 "Bite of the Century!"__Arizona Republic
 "Bite Night"__Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader
 "Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night"__The Record of Hackensack, NJ
 "Reality Bites"__Times Union of Albany, NY
 "Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell"__Salt Lake
 Tribune
 "Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism"__The (Baltimore) Sun
 "Biting Commentary"__The Boston Herald
 "Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield"__Huntsville (Ala.) Times
 "Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson"__The Indianapolis Star
 "Earmarks of cowardice"__Houston Chronicle
 "Earmark of an eerie night"__The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta
 Constitution
 "A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins"__Kansas City Star
 "From Champ to Chomp"__The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C.
 "Holyfield Still Chomp-ion"__San Francisco Examiner
 "Heavyweight Chomp"__The Philadelphia Inquirer
 "Undisputed Chomp"__USA Today
 "World Chomp"__The Sun (London)
 "Requiem for a Chompion"__Philadelphia Daily News
 "Sucker Munch"__The Sun (London)
 "Biting Back: Evander has public's ear"__Daily News, New York
 "Toss Tyson Out on Ear"__Daily News, New York
 "Ear Flap"__Newsday
 "Ears Have It! Evander Wins"__Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser
 "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow"__Providence Journal-Bulletin
 "Dracula"__New York Post
 "Champ Chewing Over Legal Options"__New York Post
 "It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat"__New York Post
 "For Tyson, Tooth Hurts"__New York Post
 "Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible"__New York Post
 "Lobe Blow for Boxing"__The Tennessean
 "Iron Mike Goes Down Biting"__The Sunday Oklahoman
 "Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next"__The Daily Oklahoman
 "Ear of Scorn"__Kansas City Star
 "Pay Per Chew"__Philadelphia Daily News
 "Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs"__Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
 "Ear-Responsible"__Fort Worth Star-Telegram
 Contributed by: Laura

 "Mike Tyson Excuses"

 10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off."
 9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos."
 8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the masters
 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
 6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact he talks like
    Melanie Griffith.
 5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy."
 4. Ears is tasty!
 3. "It was self defense--he wouldn't stop punching me!"
 2. "Disqualified" sound better than "got his ass kicked all over the
    ring."
 1. He ran out of gum.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1997 to 14 Jul 1997
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