HUMOR Digest - 12 Jul 1997 to 13 Jul 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 240 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. How's that Again ???
  2. Quips 'n' quotes <inoff>
  3. More Rednecks + 2 <off to southerners and women>
  4. Humor - It's A  Wacky World
  5. Rednecks Galore <off to southerners, harsh language, sick>
  6. Babies and Bears (Sexual)
  7. Adult (sexual) theme

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Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 03:56:06 -0400
From:         Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject:      How's that Again ???

*   Maybe the guy in the bar needed a brick wall to fall on him or
  something, because it was obvious to everyone but him the girl he
  was hitting on just wasn't interested -- at all !!!
    Finally, totally frustrated, she said loudly, "Look, if you don't
  get outta here and leave me alone, I'll find someone who can."
                                - - - - -

* And then there's Bunny.  God, I wish y'all could meet Bunny.  We all
  know what she means when she comes up with her off-the-wall stuff,
  but this one's a classic: "I may be wrong, but I'm not far from it."
                                - - - - -

* The Administrator of the Maryland State Highway was addressing a
  group gathered to celebrate a retirement at a dinner.  He looked at
  those present and said (ever so sincere), "Before I start speaking
  tonite, I'd like to say something."
                                - - - - -

* Vehicle accidents involving State-owned vehicles in Maryland require
  paperwork up the wazoo.  One fellow stated in his summary: "The
  State owned vehicle I was operating sustained no damage what-so-ever;
  the other vehicle, somewhat less."
                                - - - - -

* My wife and I are quietly watching the evening news.  She turned to
  me and said, "It seems to me that the majority of American people
  now belong to some minority group or other."
                                - - - - -

* Finally, thank God for small favors.  The Federal Aviation Agency's
  rules for takeoffs and landings of all jet-powered aircraft include
  this sentence: "The takeoff distance shall not be greater than the
  length of the runway."  (Damn good thing, huh ?)

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Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 07:14:43 -0400
From:         Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Quips 'n' quotes <inoff>

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good
time.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance

If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!

Sacred cows make the best burgers

You're so open-minded, your brains fell out

You might as well take all of me--the parts you want aren't removable

I have an open mind--it's just closed for repairs

At least dogs do what you tell them to do.  Cats take a message and get back
to you.

I've gotta be me--everyone else was already taken

Do not meddle in the place of dragons . . . you are crunchy and taste good
with catsup

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Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 06:42:46 -0700
From:         Himenator <phimes@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
Subject:      More Rednecks + 2 <off to southerners and women>

You might be a redneck...

  ...if 29 out of the 30 words you use are not in the dictionary.

  ...if you have a bathtub in your backyard for a swimming pool.

  ...if you think the last three words of the national anthem are
     "start your engines".

  ...if you vacation at a reststop.

  ...if your wife weighs more than your pickup truck.

  ...when you have put a really nice stereo system with subwoofers into
     your rusty old pickup truck, and then blast country music on it.
		----------------------------------

Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm breeze
and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off and slaps Pa
up side the head so hard he falls off the swing. Dazed, Pa gets up and asks,
"What the hell was that for?"
To which Ma replies, "That's for 20 years of bad sex!"
Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing. About 5 minutes of silence later,
he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the head equally hard. Ma gets up dazed and
asks, "What was that for?"
To which Pa replies, "That's for knowing the damn difference!"
		----------------------------------

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road when they noticed they needed some
gas. They started looking for a gas station when they saw a sign that read
"Free Sex with Fill up."
They decided to pull in and told the attendant to, "fill 'er up."
After he was done the attendant went to the window and said that it would be
$18.00 for the gas.
They paid and as the attendant started to walk away the driver yelled "What
about my free sex?".
The attendant rolled his eyes and went to the window and said, "OK, but you
will have to guess a number between 1 and 10".
The driver said, "6."
The attendant said "No, the answer was 3, sorry."
As the attendant started to walk off again the passenger said, "Give me a try."
The attendant said "OK."
The passenger said, "7."
And the attendant said "No, I told you the answer was 3."
The driver then sped off and the passenger looked over and said, "I think that
game was rigged, there is no way to win."
To which the driver replied, "Uh, Uh, my wife won three times last week."

------------------------------

Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 11:03:51 -0600
From:         "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject:      Humor - It's A  Wacky World

          Man Shoots Computer In Frustration. (Error;type .357)

ISSAQUAH, Wash. (AP) -- A man was coaxed out of his home by police after he
pulled a gun and shot his personal computer, apparently in frustration.

"We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Sgt. Keith Moon said Thursday.

The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse, had
four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor.

One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a wall
and into a neighboring unit. No one was hurt.

Police evacuated the complex, contacted the 43-year-old man by telephone
and got him to come out. He was taken to a hospital for a mental
evaluation.

------------------------------

Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 09:43:59 -0700
From:         Himenator <phimes@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
Subject:      Humor: Rednecks Galore <off to southerners, harsh language, sick>

You know your a redneck when you can eat
corn-on-the-cob through a fence.

Q: What do you call foreplay in Alabama?
A: Hey sis, you awake?"

Q: How does a redneck girl know if her mother is on the rag?
A: When her brother's dick tastes funny.

Q: What do hicks do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin!

You might be a redneck if you went to your mother's prom!

Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery?
You can win $20 dollars for the next million years.

Q: What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana who's a virgin?
A: Faster than her brothers.

You are a redneck, if you read every joke in this database
and don't get a single punch-line.

------------------------------

Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 13:21:45 -0400
From:         PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject:      Babies and Bears (Sexual)

        After marrying a young woman, a ninety-six-year-old gentleman told his
doctor that they were expecting a baby.

        "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.  Suddenly a bear
charged him.  Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the
spot."

        "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
bear."

        "EXACTLY!" replied the doctor.

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Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 20:52:40 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Adult (sexual) theme

>From a posting on REHU-L
--------------------------------------------------------------------
a supposedly true story :

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
farm.  Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in
charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day.  "Dozens of
times," was the reply.  "Please tell that to the President," Mrs.
Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the
roosters, he asked, "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr.
President, a different one each time."  The President nodded
slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jul 1997 to 13 Jul 1997
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