HUMOR Digest - 11 Jul 1997 to 12 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 750 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Wives <adult humor>
  2. Point of view <clean>
  3. HUMOR: Airline Jokes
  4. SOFTWARE: CultMaster (may be offensive to some cult members)
  5. Klingon Software Development
  6. What if Klingons Wrote Code?
  7. A Truism <offensive to lawyers, with reason>
  8. In The News - Yet even MORE humorous news quips...
  9. New York Cabbies  <Adult, may offend NY residents>
 10. Heroism & adventure (offensive to Dane adventurers & frog lovers)
 11. More Ventings
 12. Calories

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 03:52:34 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Wives <adult humor>

*   "George is the same as ever." gossiped the wife on the telephone.
  "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex...  sex."
     "Now that's just not true at all." called the husband, relaxing
  in his recliner.  "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here
  thinking about you."
                                - - - - -

*   "I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could
  get laid three or four times a week."
    "That's funny." said another patron. "That's why I got divorced."
                                - - - - -

*   It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a
  really stunning blonde.  Finally, he consulted the host - a buddy -
  about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look
  let me mix her up one of my special Zombies.  It'll get her so stiff
  that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
    "Hell no, Ray." reacted the guy.  "I don't want her THAT stiff."
                                - - - - -

*   According to my wife, if it were somehow possible to arrange for
  men and women to give birth to children alternately, there would
  only be three people in every family in the world.
                                - - - - -

*   Florence and Emily, two pretty Yuppettes arranged to have lunch
  together following their recent marriages.  When they met, Emily
  could see that something serious was bothering her friend.
    "Come on, out with it.  What's depressing you Florence ?"
    "I'm really ashamed to admit it," said Florence, "but I caught my
  husband making love."
    "Why let a little thing like that bother ya ?" laughed Emily.
  "I got mine the same way."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 13:07:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Point of view <clean>

Here is a tongue-in-cheek review of Lady Chatterley's Lover
as it appeared in Field and Stream, November 1959:

"Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just
been reissued by Grove Press, and this fictional account of the day-by-day
life of an English gamekeeper is still of considerable interest to
outdoor-minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control
vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
materials in order to discover and savor these sidelights on the
management of a Midlands shooting estate, and in this reviewer's
opinion this book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's Practical Gamekeeping."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 07:27:14 -0600
From:    Glenn Lanier <lanier@EPOS.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Airline Jokes

From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri

    *Lufthansa :-

     Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement
     from the captain:
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
     have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash
     into the ocean"
     The passengers were obviously very worried about this
     situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's
     next announcement.
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared
     for such an emergency and we would now like you to
     rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on
     the left side of the plane and all  the swimmers are on the
     right side of the plane"
     After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their
     seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes
     later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
     The captain once again made an announcement:
     "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All
     of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your
     emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
     plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of
     plane...
      ---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "


    *British Airways :-

      "This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew
     I'd like to  welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602
     from New York to London. We are currently flying at a
     height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
      "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of
     the aircraft,  you will observe that both the starboard
     engines are on fire.  If you look out of the windows on the
     port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen
     off."
     "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see
     a little  yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
      That's me  your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
     stewardesses.  This is  a recorded message."


    *Air France :-

     There once was a flight heading from London to New
     York.  Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly
     comes over the intercom system...
     "This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking.  I have a
     bit of bad news for you.  We have lost our first left engine,
     but never fear, we can still make it using only three
     engines.  But because of the loss of power, we will be two
     hours late."
     Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to
     life...
     "This is again your Captain.  We have lost an engine on
     our starboard  wing.  But rest assured that our plane can
     fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we
     will now be four hours late."
     The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now
     familiar sound of  the address system...
     "Guess what, folks!  We lost another engine, but nothing to
     fear.  We can still make it using only one engine.  But now
     we will be six hours late.  "
     On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting
     next to her, and said:
     "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine.  I'll be late for
     my connecting flight from New York!"


     *Philippine Airlines :-

     Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain
     Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench
     where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
     Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in
     the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many
     others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm
      and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are
     now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life
     vest. We are going to crashland and this plane into the water.
     In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm
     going to say, repeat after me:
     "Our Father Who is in Heaven.........."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 12:41:14 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: SOFTWARE: CultMaster (may be offensive to some cult members)

                           WELCOME TO CULTMASTER 2000

The power of modern computer technology  joins the ancient battle
against cults!

Have you ever felt like you were the only authentic Christian left?
Now you can prove it, with the new CultMaster 2000 CD-Rom package.
CultMaster 2000 is produced by Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., a business
founded by experienced professional cult-fighters who now make their
skills available to you. For just $99.99, the CultMaster 2000 will let
you prove that anyone who doesn't see things your way is any of the
 following:
      * non-Christian
      * a member of a cult
      * a heretic
      * a Satan worshipper
      * plotting to take over the world
      * brainwashed
      * fanatic
      * overweight
      * a Republican

The patented CultMaster software includes two major modules. First,
 there is the Cult Exposer module, which contains explosive
documentation on the doctrinal absurdities and historical scandals
behind over 3,000 religious denominations, including every major
Christian denomination in the United States except yours (all negative
information about your denomination of choice is deleted during the
initial installation of the software). For example, if your
denomination is Methodist, you can access Cult Exposer to print out
detailed briefs showing why Lutherans, Catholics, and Presbyterians
are pitiful, deluded followers of a lie, adhering to doctrines that
clearly make them non-Christian cultists. Cult Exposer is
customizable, allowing you to classify others as falling into any or
all of the categories listed above (non-Christian, cult member,
brainwashed, etc.). You make the allegations, we provide the evidence,
drawing upon a vast library of Biblical commentary, anti-religious
writings, historical information, and scandalous quotes from past
leaders and members of the accused organization. Catholics, watch your
Lutheran friends tremble as they learn that Martin Luther advocated
bigamy for Henry VIII (clearly making him a non-Christian!).
Lutherans, stun your Catholic neighbors with the solid Biblical
evidence that only Lutherans are Christian. And Mormons will be
pleased to learn that they are the only ones who are NOT members of a
cult! Cultmaster 2000 is so powerful that it can make a non-Christian
pagan out of anybody.

    For those rare cases where the Cult Exposer module doesn't offer
just  what you're looking for, or for those times when you must denounce
someone who doesn't fit neatly into the 3000 denominations covered,
the Custom Cult Slayer module has just what you need. Custom Cult
Slayer allow you to choose from over 500 crucial doctrinal issues
which might differentiate your beliefs from those of someone else.

 Once you've selected a group of beliefs where you differ from others,
Custom Cult Slayer uses those beliefs to create an exclusionary
definition of "Christian" to show why you are one and others aren't.
This is a powerful technique which Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., and
others have used successfully in books and pamphlets for years. For
the first time, this method - known as "Semantic Redefinition for
Exclusivity" - is now available for domestic use, thanks to CultMaster
2000.

    This exclusive software, so powerful that it can exclude almost
anyone  from Christianity except you, has years of research and evidence
sifting behind it. But now you can be a cult expert in only minutes!
Pick the target, click the mouse, and watch as CultMaster 2000
provides solid proof of scandal, occultic practices, and non-Christian
beliefs. With CultMaster 2000 as your theological watchdog, it's just
"Pick, Click, and Sick" every time.

    As a public service, CultMaster 2000 offers a Netscape-enhanced form
to help you experience the Cultmaster 2000's Custom Cult Slayer
concept - in a primitive, public domain form (you've got to buy the
software to get the real thing!). Try it out!

    If your local bookstore doesn't carry CultMaster 2000, they've
probably been infiltrated by a cult. In that case, order direct by
calling 1-800-HEL-FIRE and start putting the heat on the cultists
around you!

    UPDATE NOTICE: Version 1.1 of CultMaster 2000 is now available,
correcting a serious deficiency in version 1.0. Although everything in
version 1.0 was theologically sound, we had failed to include the
dangerous cult system of the martial arts. CultMaster 2000 now
provides information about the martial arts as a cult, based on the
powerful expose in Bob Larson's outstanding book, Larson's Book of
Cults, Tyndale House Publ., Wheaton, 1983, page 27. It sure makes
sense that those in the martial arts are cultists. They wear exclusive
uniforms, have strict rules and codes they must follow, give
allegiance to human leaders, have varying levels or degrees in their
priesthood-like system of advancement, and jump around while shouting
strange words. (And when a human body flies twenty feet through the
air after getting a mild bump from a typical ninja in the movies, you
know demonic power must be involved.) The martial arts - self defense
or Satanic threat? Now you've got proof with CultMaster 2000. (But if
you are a martial arts specialist, don't worry! CultMaster 2000 will
delete the arguments against your healthy hobby and provide a two-page
document explaining why martial arts is obviously not a cult, and why
those who don't enjoy martial arts will be damned.) Version 1.1 is
available as a free update to registered owners of version 1.0. The
CultSlayer demo letter has also been updated to reflect the threat of
martial arts cults.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 13:14:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Klingon Software Development

 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your
 software development team:

  10) "This code is crap!  You have no honor!"

  9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

  8) "By filing this bug report you have questioned my family honor.
     Prepare to die!"

  7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where
     you stand!"

  6) "Our competitors are without honor!"

  5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

  4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I
     am to do battle with this code!"

  3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die!  I say we ship it!"

  2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

  And the number one thing most likely to be overheard if you had a
  Klingon on your software development team is:

  1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis!  The greatest Klingon code warrior
     that ever lived!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 13:43:36 -0400
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: What if Klingons Wrote Code?

(From a FreeBSD list):

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your
software development team:

10) "This code is a piece of crap!  You have no honor!"

9)  "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

8)  "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor.  Prepare
    to die!"

7)  "You question the worthiness of my Code?!  I should kill you
    where you stand!"

6)  "Our competitors are without honor!"

5)  "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

4)  "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors
    if I am to do battle with this code!"

3)  "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die!  I say we ship it!"

2)  "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

1)  "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis!  The greatest Klingon code
    warrior that ever lived!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 13:40:11 EDT
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: A Truism <offensive to lawyers, with reason>

   As the size of a corporation grows arithmetically, the
size of the corporate legal department grows exponentially.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 11:06:11 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Yet even MORE humorous news quips...

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes late night humor, and rec.humor.funny (rhf)

WARNING:  May be offensive to American politicians, Russians, Iranians, the
US Military, OJ Simpson, McDonald's, America Online. Includes reference to
illegal drug use. Mild language.

The Pathfinder has found that Mars was ravaged by massive floods thought to
have taken place a billion years ago. Mars is still waiting for Congress to
approve relief funds.

Immediately after making the Mars discovery, Kenneth Starr began fishing
for evidence that the Clintons sold lakeside parcels for summer homes.

The Russian Space Authority launched an unmanned supply ship, Progress
M-35, with materials for repairing space station Mir. Progress M-35 is
scheduled to collide with Mir on Monday. (rhf)

America Online is trying to buy CompuServe. Talk about the busy signal from
HELL!

OJ Simpson testified that he didn't know the whereabouts of various
possessions, including his Heisman trophy, which has since been discovered.
He's compiling these declarations of ignorance for his next book, "I Don't
Want To Tell You".

Military base closings continue. The closings have a major impact on the
surrounding communities - most people don't want the sex-offenders released
into their neighborhoods. (Leno)

The new president of Iran, Mohammad Khatami, has been described as a
moderate. Already, he's considering whether it is okay to wear dark gray.

British explorer Robert Swan, the only person to walk the North and South
poles, is planning a new trip to the Antarctic, this time taking a group of
politicians with him to show them the effects of global warming.
Unfortunately, he plans to bring them back.

US agricultural officials say consumers should use a thermometer to check
whether hamburger meat is cooked enough. Or, in the case of a Big Mac, a
sledgehammer.

Well, in the case of McDonald's - if you think your burger isn't done
enough, just dip it in your coffee. (Leno)

PepsiCo Inc. plans to spin off the fast food trio it owns into one company
combining KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. The taco is 39 cents, the burrito
is 59 cents, but it's $11 billion for the whole enchilada.

Coffee prices are at the highest level in three years. I know from my own
experience that coffee is getting expensive - yesterday I closed escrow on
a Starbucks latte.

The National Transportation Board urged auto makers to use crash recorders
in cars  similar to those used in airlines'  black boxes. It's depressing
to think that my final legacy could be a recording of me singing along with
the Moody Blues.

Sylvester Stallone said it was immaturity that caused him to bounce from
one supermodel to the next. I think the real reason was - because he could.

IBM is considering chess opponents for Deep Blue. Asked what its plans are,
Deep Blue said it's going to http://www.disneyland.com

The first pizza arrived in this country 100 years ago from Naples. The
amazing thing is, it got here in less than 30 minutes. (Leno)

This is National Mens Health Week. They're recommending that all men over
50 celebrate by getting a prostate exam. (woo hoo!) Let's see... this would
be all the baby boomers - funny, 25 years ago these guys were giving the
establishment the finger, now the establishment is giving the finger to
them. (Leno)

There is a new Jerry Garcia credit card. It's especially useful for those
long, strange trips.

The only problem with the new Jerry Garcia credit card is that you can be
charged twice if it has a flashback.

A new study says that marijuana does not make a good medicine. It took
years for the scientists to reach this conclusion, but no one in the test
group seemed to mind.

A federal report says that the stimulant methamphetamine is quickly
becoming the most widely abused drug. I would imagine everything is done
quickly on methamphetamine.

Scientists uncovered the largest dinosaur of all, and named it the
gigantosaurus. Gigantosaurus? These are the great minds of science? What,
was the name bigosaurus already taken?

The journal Science said female platy fish desire male platy fish with big
tail fins. Maybe this is why so many guys still drive the '59 Cadillac.

KMart announced that it will not display and sell current copies of the
Globe, because the tabloid has "crossed the line" in its reporting. Isn't
it strange that a store selling bright green polyester stretch pants in the
full figured women's section thinks that the Globe exhibits bad taste?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 15:53:02 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: New York Cabbies  <Adult, may offend NY residents>

A mother and her small daughter were in New York City.  The mother was
trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed
women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally
hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter
asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that
corner?"  The mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their
husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying
out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie,
do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come
from?"


- - - - - - - - - -
Disclaimer:  To the best of my knowledge this joke is not
historically/geographically/legally/politically accurate, nor do I
claim that it is original.
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 17:44:00 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Heroism & adventure (offensive to Dane adventurers & frog lovers)

In 1971, a plucky Dane, Knud Svenson, became the first man to attempt to
cross the Andes by frog. Svenson had already attempted (and failed) to sail
round the world on a rabbit, and his attempt to cross Spitzbergen on an
halibut proved spectacularly unsuccessful in 1958. What follows is
Svenson's personal account of one of the most arduous journeys ever
attempted.

*** Across the Andes by Frog ***

Iquique, Jan. 19
Expedition delayed by three days after the frog was squashed when I sat on
it. We wait around in the sultry heat of this coastal town whilst another
frog is found.

 Iquique, Jan. 21
A perfect day to set off. The sunshine was bright, but a strongest
north-easterly wind kept us cool. The baggage porters had at last settled
their differences over pay, and the forecast was good. However, as soon as
I mounted the frog, I squashed it again. Oh, the frustrations! We must
reach the Andean foothills by mid-February, or the vicious South American
winter will set in.

Iquique, Jan. 26
I have tried mounting frogs without a saddle and even tried with my
haversack, but they always squash as soon as I sit down on them. Have
decided to try a different approach. I will walk and the frog can carry the
baggage. It will be hard work, especially in the mountains, but I would
rather suffer some discomfort than give up now.

 Iquique, Jan. 27
The frog has proved incapable of carrying even the lightest hold-all. Seven
or eight were squashed in succession last night while we were trying to
load up.

Iquique, Jan. 28
 Today, at last, we set out from the main square here in Iquique, on the
500-mile journey to Santa Cruz in Bolivia. The frog, unladen by any
baggage, set a furious pace, and we lost it through a hole in the wall not
ten yards from where we started.

Iquique, Feb. 6
The days pass by in a long frustrating week, whilst we design a special
frog harness. The Andean winter gets closer as every day goes by.
Conditions in the mountains could be hell.

Iquique, Feb. 7
The frogs are so slippery that any harness is almost impossible to fit.
They are sending to Belgium for a specialist.

Iquique, March 30
At last, the Belgian specialist has arrived. He says that frogs are totally
unsuitable for this type of journey. The man is a complete fraud. We refuse
to pay his return fare.

Iquique, March 31
Wake up with a huge Malaysian Leper Frog at my throat. The Belgian
specialist eventually calls it off, after we promise to pay his fare back.

Iquique, March 32
Decide to set off with frog in a box. The weather holds out, and we make
good progress. We reach the outskirts of Pozo almonte before I discover
someone has let the frog out of the box.

Pozo Almonte, March 33
I am beginning to have suspicions about my Chilean calendar.

Pozo Almonte, March 34
Success. I discover a frog in my lunch, so I put him in the box and set out
again.

 Iquique, March 35
I misread the map. Simple mistake. Bump into the Belgian specialist in the
street. He hits me with a South American Singing Toad, which he was taking
to the vet. I report him to the RSPCA.

Iquique, March 35
RSPCA man arrives from London. He says he has called about a matter of
sixteen frogs squashed while under my care.

 Iquique, March 37
 How the frogs have let me down, making a mockery of the oft-repeated
maxim: "a man's best friend is his frog". Decide to take up a new challenge
with a more reliable creature. Decide to attempt the first crossing of the
Skaggerak by maggot.

 London, March 43
 So my Chilean calendar was right. It really is March 43rd.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 19:17:05 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More Ventings

Television should include an Emmy for best acting performance by a
television preacher.

I bet Mars had lots of water and lush vegetation before they cut down
their rain forest.

I'm so old that when I was young the Dead Sea was just sick.

Sign in a barber shop: Intelligent people talk about ideas, ordinary
people talk about things, and all people talk about other people.

My boss is on vacation this week and so am I.

Just wondering. Does a person ever get sick without being tired?

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others
will leave a stain.

The world is full of willing people--some willing to work and some
willing to let them.

The lastest news from Mars is that hundreds of Martians are phoning
in UFO sightings, but the government says they are just parachute
test dummies.

Mike Tyson said he has kids to raise. Now, that's a scary thought.

Slow bumpers in fast lanes attract tailgaters.

Why is it that the only place I can get grass to grow is in my flower
garden?

Three months ago I went to a beauty salon and got a permanent. Today
I got another permanent. My husband declares they should not be
called permanents, they should be called temporaries.

I received a bill for 35 cents. The company used a 32-cent stamp and
two of their printed envelopes. Should I tell them about their net
loss.

I don't know which is worse, person who will argue about anything or
a person who is argue about nothing?

If Honeywell and Fairchild were to merge, would the new company be
called "Fair Well, HOney Child?"

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women and I said yes,
but I can't remember why.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 17:32:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Calories

CALORIES THAT DON'T COUNT


We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the
following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the
knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no
calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste
half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories
a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip
eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.
Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why
is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories
apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through
the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to
accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a
carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is
calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range,
beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca--consumed for demonstration
purposes--up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or
slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away
to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending
irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is
neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal
servings, it's also permissible to even things up...without calorie
consequence.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may
have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the
calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it.
Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this
purpose.

FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous category
covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and
dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in
front of the TV.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For
example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything
eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at
work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail
party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet
glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of
the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it
works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream
socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious
dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.

CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes
are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated
simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in
colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.

FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are
all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a
sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie,
anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what
happens to it in the kitchen.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal
doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and
now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten
regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and
insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See
"Charitable Foods.")


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Shin: Device for finding furniture in the dark.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jul 1997 to 12 Jul 1997
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