HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1997 to 11 Jul 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Female Logic <some adult humor>
  2. Video Games
  3. Politicians
  4. blond humor (may be offensive to the fair haired)
  5. Humor: God's gifts <poss. off. to religious; adult references>
  6. Hell the Swingin' Place
  7. Humor: Another lawyer joke <does offensive to lawyers count?>
  8. Fw: (Fwd) The promised Tyson jokes...
  9. HUMOR: Are you a WOOPIE?
 10. You Know You're A Horse Person When...
 11. Number of the beast (offensive to Bible thumpers)
 12. HUMOR: You might be a redneck... <off. to southerners>
 13. AirLine Jokes <clean>

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Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 03:21:24 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Female Logic <some adult humor>

* Woman shopper trying on outfit to saleslady: "It looks too much
  like something I could afford."
                                - - - - -

*   A telemarketer was taking a survey.  He told the woman on the line,
  "I represent a number of vaseline companies and we're doing a survey
  of the many uses of vaseline in the home.  Would you mind taking a
  few moments and telling me how you use our product ?"
    She said, "We use it for cuts, dry skin, chapped lips and sex."
    The marketer undaunted pushed on, "Uh, would you mind explaining
  how you use it for sex ?"
    She sez, "Simple.  I put it on the door-knob -- it keeps the kids
  out of the room."
                                - - - - -

* Woman getting estimate for auto repairs to mechanic: "Well, what
  would it cost without parts and labor ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The 64 year old man is propositioned by a Lady of the Evening.  He
  laughs and sez "Look.  I've got a 23 year old nympo waiting for me at
  home.  What could you possibly offer me that she couldn't ?"
    The experienced street walker smiled smugly and said "Patience."
                                - - - - -

* Woman shopping for wallpaper to clerk: "Now we're getting somewhere.
  That's the exact opposite of what I'm looking for."
                                - - - - -

*   The department store salesman had almost completed his pitch to the
  woman to convince her to buy one of those miniature washing machines.
    She paused and considered it, while watching it in action.  Finally,
  she said, "Sir. I want my clothes agitated -- not just irked."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 18:39:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Video Games

From: KEarlAdams@aol.com

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Video Games
---------------------------------------------------------

1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.

2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.

3. If it moves, KILL IT!

4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training.

5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their
   dirty work.

6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.

7. You can smash things and get away with it.
a. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.

8. When someone dies, they disappear.

9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.

10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.

11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.

12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing
    red or yellow.

14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief period of time.

15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
    predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all
    down.

16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.

17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no
    other reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat
    them with it.

18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.

19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same
    names.

20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A
    new one will appear in its place.

---
The Michael Jackson Child Care Center is now open.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 12:08:45 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Politicians

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all
of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in
an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened,
went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury
the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer
said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer,
"Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of
them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:46:28 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: blond humor (may be offensive to the fair haired)

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that
told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there
about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for
lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier,
"Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr
Kiiiinnnnnggg".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:47:36 EDT
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: God's gifts <poss. off. to religious; adult references>

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple
of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped
by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was
the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God
told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man
should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that
ability.  I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or
naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh
please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand
and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited
little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told
God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,  and it sure seemed
to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really
wouldn't  mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up
and pee.

And so it was.  And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 10:20:46 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Hell the Swingin' Place

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon:  Why so glum, chum?
Guy:    What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here.
        You a drinkin' man?
Guy:    Sure, I love to drink.
Demon:  Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays,  that's all
        we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet
        Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy:    Gee, that sounds great.
Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy:    You better believe it.
Demon:  All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest
        cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.  If
        you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy:    Golly!
Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:    Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon:  Good, because Wednesday is gambling day.  Craps,  blackjack,
        horse races, you name it.  We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy:    Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon:  Well now you can.  You like to do drugs?
Guy:    Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great
        big bowl of crack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
        can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...
        you're already dead.
Guy:    That's incredible!  I never realized that hell was such a swingin'
        place!
Demon:  You gay?
Guy:    Uh, no.
Demon:  Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:57:48 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Another lawyer joke <does offensive to lawyers count?>

This is supposed to be a true story.

Atty:   You examined the body?
Coroner:  Yes.

Atty:   Did you check for a pulse?
Cor:    No.

Atty:   Did you listen for a heartbeat?
Cor:    No.

Atty:   Did you check for pupillary response?
Cor:    No.

Atty:   Did you do a brain scan to determine if brain death had occured?
Cor:    No.

Atty:   If you didn't do any of these tests, how could you say he is dead?
Cor:    Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk.  I suppose he could
        be out practicing law someplace.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 11:54:41 -0500
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Fw: (Fwd) The promised Tyson jokes...

 Q. What did Tyson say to Holyfield after the referee took two points
    away from him?
 A. "Come 'ear."

 Q: What did Tyson say to Don King back in the dressing room?
 A: You're right it did taste like chicken!

 If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber.  Think
 about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike!  Could you
 take a little off the ears?

 Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in
 Tennessee?  Yeah, Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.

 Q. What do Marv Albert and Mike Tyson have in common?
 A. They're both from New York.

 Q: Who's the latest person to get tatooed on Tyson's arms?
 A: Jeffery Dahmer.

 Q: What did Holyfeild say after the fight?
 A: Ear today, gone tommorrow.

 The rematch will be shown on the Food Network.

- - - - - 
*"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."


http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 14:02:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Are you a WOOPIE?

    WOOPIES (Well-Off Older People) (ies)

    To achieve WOOPIE status, the following criteria must be met:

1.  You are retired, considering retirement, or planning for retirement
    from at least one job;

2.  You must have an income equal to at least half of your best income
    during your last three working years.

3.  Although not mandatory, you should own a car. If you do, you must
    be capable of driving it.

4.  You must own your own home or condo.

5.  You must own at least one piece of exercise equipment that is used
    on a regular basis as a clothes hanger.

6.  You must own two TVs, one that you watch and one that is in front
    of your exercise equipment.

7.  You must own a VCR and at least two exercise videos.

8.  You must be mentally capable of programming your VCR. (This criterion
    eliminates a lot of applicants.)

9.  You must be physically healthy, at least capable of turning off your
    TV with using the remote.  This is another criterion which creates
    problems.  Most WOOPIES can manage to get to the TV, but can't find
    the ON/OFF switch.

10. You must be on the mailing lists of at least three of the following
    agencies/businesses:

        1. AARP
        2. Real estate agents who want to sell your house
        3. A nutrition and/or vitamin supply company
        4. A travel agency --"Do we have a cruise for you!!"
        5. A financial/estate planner
        6. A mortuary with such promotions as: "We can reserve
           a plot for you;" "Buy your burial plot at '96 prices;"
           "Buy now, pay now; die later."

11. Finally, you must be capable of having sex at least once a month.
    (Please note that you only have to be capable; you don't *have*
     to do it.)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 14:24:18 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You Know You're A Horse Person When...

>From Rebekah Alton: You Know You're A Horse Person When...
  - You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub,
    but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes,
    in your food...
  - You know you're a horse AND dog person when you don't mind
    throwing frozen manure balls for the barn's goldie to fetch!
  - Someone says, "does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand
    them a hoofpick.
  - The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for
    and you say "More than six acres".
  - You find yourself analyzing leg and foot conformation on your
    friends, and thinking how corrective shoeing could improve
    their way of going.
  - You run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder
    if they need to be floated. (If a horses teeth do not wear
    evenly, they will have to be floated (filed) to restore a
    good grinding surface.)
  - You can find your boots in the dark by the manure aroma.
  - You drive up in the yard, get out of the car and inhale the
    perfume of the manure pile.
  - You don't notice the barn smells on your clothing and wonder why
    "regular" folks are sniffing the air.
  - Your first sign of spring is not seeing a robin, but seeing a fly.
  - You go to the gas station and ask the attendant to check the "off
    hind" (and you know you're in horse country when the young man
    immediantly walks to the right rear tire!)
  - Your car is the only one in the company parking lot that has an
    inch of dust INSIDE and when you open the door, a swarm of flies
    emerges.
  - Your mother has a run in the bottom of her hose and you tell her
    she has a split hoof.
  - You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to "canter",
    then "switch leads" until he's doing one-tempi flying changes
    (skipping!)
  - Your truck looks like a bomb exploded in a tack shop.
  - When your husband walks into the bedroom and sees you wearing your
    underwear and tall black boots and his only comment is
    "Oh, did the new boots finally arrive?"
  - Your father gets worried when he overhears you talking to a friend:
    "And he had the cutest butt! I happended to be behind him for a
    while, and practically couldn't take my eyes off his butt. And he
    had really nice legs, and a real strong back, and nice shoulders,
    and *such* a pretty face! He came over to say hello once. What a
    handsome guy!" When you tell him that you were talking about a horse,
    he's not sure whether to be reassured of get even more worried. :-)
  - Your motto is "baling twine will fix anything".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 18:11:12 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Number of the beast (offensive to Bible thumpers)

 Revelations 13:15 ...and cause  that as many as would not worship
                      the image of the beast should be killed.
 13:16  And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free
        and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their
        foreheads:
 13:17  And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark,
        or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Have you ever tried selling a program that doesn't have the "Windows
95 compatible" on it?


Courtesy of: jcook@halcyon.com 
http://www.halcyon.com/jcook/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 18:40:46 -0700
From:    "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
         bright until you hear them speak." <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: You might be a redneck... <off. to southerners>

You might be a redneck...


        ...if you have to go to the petshop to get a girlfriend/boyfriend.

        ...if your front porch collapses and more than 5 dogs get killed.

        ...if go to your family reunion to pick up a date.

        ...if your family tree is a wreath.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 11 Jul 1997 09:32:18 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: AirLine Jokes <clean>

    *Lufthansa :-

     Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement
     from the captain:
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
     have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash
     into the ocean"
     The passengers were obviously very worried about this
     situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's
     next announcement.
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared
     for such an emergency and we would now like you to
     rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on
     the left side of the plane and all  the swimmers are on the
     right side of the plane"
     After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their
     seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes
     later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
     The captain once again made an annoucement:
     "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All
     of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your
     emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
     plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of
     plane...
      ---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "


    *British Airways :-

      "This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew
     I'd like to  welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602
     from New York to London. We are currently flying at a
     height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
      "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of
     the aircraft,  you will observe that both the starboard
     engines are on fire.  If you look out of the windows on the
     port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen
     off."
     "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see
     a little  yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
      That's me  your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
     stewardesses.  This is  a recorded message."


    *Air France :-

     There once was a flight heading from London to New
     York.  Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly
     comes over the intercom system...
     "This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking.  I have a
     bit of bad news for you.  We have lost our first left engine,
     but never fear, we can still make it using only three
     engines.  But because of the loss of power, we will be two
     hours late."
     Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to
     life...
     "This is again your Captain.  We have lost an engine on
     our starboard  wing.  But rest assured that our plane can
     fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we
     will now be four hours late."
     The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now
     familiar sound of  the address system...
     "Guess what, folks!  We lost another engine, but nothing to
     fear.  We can still make it using only one engine.  But now
     we will be six hours late.  "
     On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting
     next to her, and said:
     "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine.  I'll be late for
     my connecting flight from New York!"


     *Philippine Airlines :-

     Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain
     Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench
     where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
     Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in
     the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many
     others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm
      and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are
     now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life
     vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water.
     In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm
     going to say, repeat after me:
     "Our Father Who is in Heaven.........."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1997 to 11 Jul 1997
************************************************
