HUMOR Digest - 9 Jul 1997 to 10 Jul 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 394 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Male Logic <adult humor>
  2. Court transcripts (nothing offensive)
  3. SEX <Adult themes>
  4. First-Class Blond <off. to guess who?>
  5. Humor - Musings by George Carling
  6. Not offensive except to the overly sensitive in religious ilk
  7. Jesus is watching you
  8. The Dentist
  9. Medical Dictionary <clean>

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Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 03:38:28 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Male Logic <adult humor>

*   "Having some sort of trouble ?" inquired the male motorist as
  he pulled up alongside the girl sitting in her car in the North
  Dakota shopping center parking lot.
    "Car stalled, and I sure could use a jump." she replied.
    "Well OK..." said the good Samaritan. "but first, let's try to
  get your car started."
                                - - - - -

*   "What is the significance," asked the game-show host, "of the
  numerical progression or maybe numerical regression -- ten...
  nine... eight... seven... six..."
    "Why that's easy." interrupted one of the contestants.  "It's
  Bo Derek getting older."
                                - - - - -

*   "Can anyone give me a good contemporary example of the 'Golden
  Rule' ?" asked the instructor in the college ethics class.
    "I can sir." replied one of the students.  "How about 69 ?"
                                - - - - -

*   "Is there a woman here in need of assistance ?" asked the medic
  from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
    "Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife.  She has
  an electric vibrator lodged in her."
    "Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic
  replied.  "Those things can be tricky to remove."
    "Never mind." said the husband.  "We have an HMO which doesn't
  allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents.
  But for now, could you at least turn it off ?  It's interfering
  with the TV."
                                - - - - -

*   Under certain conditions, US taxpayers are required to file an
  estimated income tax return.  A friend of mine is so upset by this
  that he sends his in without either name or address.  His reasoning ?
    "If they're gonna make me guess how much I'm gonna make, then they
  can guess who the hell sent it in."

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Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 07:09:46 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Court transcripts (nothing offensive)

originally posted on rehu-l.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Disorder in the Court:  a Collection of 'Transquips' Collected by
Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H.  Business Review

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in
two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago.  From Mrs.  Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
    first name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited.  (Rising from the witness chair
    and pointing to Mr.  Borofkin.)  Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
    first name!
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Now, Mrs.  Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Mrs.  Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
    influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.
            ------------------------------------------------
Q.  Mrs.  Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
            ------------------------------------------------
THE COURT:  Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
            ------------------------------------------------
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?  What
    school do you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 13:05:07 EDT
From:    "Chris M. De Almeida" <cool167@JUNO.COM>
Subject: SEX <Adult themes>

It seems that a wife from a family consisting of her, a father, two
sisters, and a cat, hasn't been having good sex. So, she goes to the
doctor and explains this to him. The doctor gives her a bottle and tells
her to put one drop in his drink at dinner, and she would have good sex.
So she does it. That night she has pretty good sex. The next night she
puts in two drops, and she has REALLY good sex. The following night she
puts in three drops and has GREAT sex! The next night, she pours in the
whole thing! Awhile later the police get a call from 911. It's a little
girl. The person on the other end says, "What's the problem?". The little
girl answers, "Well, my mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt
really REALLY hurts, and my daddy is outside going, 'Here kitty, kitty,
kitty.'"

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Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 15:37:15 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: First-Class Blond <off. to guess who?>

A beautiful woman boarded a jet and took a seat in the first class
section. The flight attendant checked her ticket and said "You're in
the wrong section. This ticket is for coach.
You'll have to move." The woman replied, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful
and I'm going to Miami."

The attendant called for the captain who checked her ticket and
also told her she had to move and again she replied,"I'm blond, I'm
beautiful and I'm going to Miami."

After some thought, the captain whispered into her ear and the
woman got up and moved back to coach.

"Captain, what did you say to get her to move?" asked the flight
attendant. Captain replied, "I told her that the first class section
doesn't land in Miami."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 16:21:11 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Musings by George Carling

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Is the kidney a bean a kidney shaped object, or is the bean a kidney shaped
legume?

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the
Ceasarian Section.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.

I choose toilet paper through the process of elimination.

George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less
crowded, and has a better view.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough
not to quit.


>From George Carlin's book - Brain Droppings

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 19:09:27 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Not offensive except to the overly sensitive in religious ilk

These appeared today on the Religious Humor list.
------------------------------------------------

Here are a few reputably true schoolboy howlers:


Christians are only allowed one wife and this is known as monotony.

Jesus appeared to two disciples behind locked doors as they were walking to
Emmaus.

A lie is a sin and an abomination in the sight of the Lord, but a very
present help in time of trouble.

John the Baptist was beheaded with the Axe of the Apostles.

You must love your neighbour even if you hate him.

Everyone was pleased when Jesus healed the paralytic man, except Simon who
had to pay to have the roof mended.

Jesus stood up in the synagogue in Nazareth and read from the Epistles of
St Paul.

Four men came out carrying a parable on a bed.

If someone slaps you turn and let him have another knock and the door shall
be opened.

Two Jesuits, probably a man and wife, were on the way to Emmaus.

The end of the World will mark a turning point in everyone's life.

John said it was not awful for you to marry your brother's wife.

Question:  What do you know about Elijah?
Answer:     All I know about Elijah was that he went for a cruise with a
widow.

Question:   What do you know about the Last Supper?
Answer:      I was away for that - I had the measles.

Question:    What is a Vixen?
Answer:       A lady Vicar.

Question:    What is the first and greatest Commandment?
Answer:       Hang all the law and the prophets.

Quesion:      Who lived in the Garden of Eden?
Answer:        The Adams Family.

The Pilgrim Fathers were captured by Giant Despair.  They were a big band
of Quackers.

Moses received the Ten Commandments on two stones, and these he impressed
upon the people.

There is always a knave in churches to remind you of Sin.

The chief missile of the Church of England is the Prayer Book.

Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and Peter
swore and went out and wept bitterly.



Misheard Scriptures:

Get the hens Satan.

Thy rod and they staff they come for me.

Lead us not into Thames Station.

Lay not up for yourselves trousers upon earth.

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Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 18:37:51 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Jesus is watching you

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He
tiptoed  through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when
he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 21:20:08 EDT
From:    Brad Davis <davisbe@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Dentist

There was an Dentist who was working on his old car, while doing this, he
smashed his fingers.  Being a doctor, he new that they needed stiches so
he drove himself to the hospital, and there he was told that he would
have to wait several hours before the doctor could see him to stich up
his hand.  So he said the heck with it and called one of his friends who
is also a Dentist, and asked him if he would stich him up, he said yes
so, the first dentins went over to the other dentists clinic (yes, it was
after hours) and was stiched up there.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:41:38 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Medical Dictionary <clean>

     For non-medical people,of course!;)

     ANTIBODY: against everyone
     ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
     BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
     BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
     BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
     CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
     CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
     CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
     CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
     COMA: a punctuation mark
     CONGENITAL: friendly
     CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
     D & C: where Washington is
     DILATE: to live longer
     ENEMA: not a friend
     ER: the things on your head that you hear with
     FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
     GENES: blue denim slacks
     HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
     IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
     LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
     MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
     ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
     PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
     PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
     PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
     PROTEIN: in favor of young people
     RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
     RHEUMATIC: amorous
     SECRETION: hiding anything
     TABLET: a small table
     TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
     TIBIA: country in North Africa
     TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
     TUMOR: an extra pair
     URINE: opposite of "you're out"
     VARICOSE: very close
     VEIN: conceited

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jul 1997 to 10 Jul 1997
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