HUMOR Digest - 8 Jul 1997 to 9 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. College Daze <adult humor>
  2. If Hitler went to Heaven <may be off. to religious people>
  3. Riddles (clean)
  4. Now What?! (not off.)
  5. Macho Rats (Adult humor)
  6. JOKE-CLEAN: What is an American?
  7. Business has been tough  {Adult}
  8. Turn Over!<adult>
  9. Humorous tennis poem
 10. Smart Men (off. to Bill Gates & ValuJet)
 11. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 12. HUMOR List Traffic Report

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 03:58:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: College Daze <adult humor>

* I'm sure you've all heard about the college student who was
  arrested recently at the University Of Maryland for mooning thru
  a dormitory window.  He was charged with being an ass in the pane.
                                - - - - -

*   Deciding to investigate rumors of immoral amusements among the
  students, a young professor arranged to have himself invited to a
  weekend frat party.
    After the party had been going on for many hours without so much
  as a single incident, the much-relieved prof said goodnite to all
  present and went upstairs to bed.
    Shortly, his door opened, and a shapely coed in a really short
  and flimsy nightgown opened the door to his room.
    "Did you want me ?" he asked in surprise.
    "Not especially," she replied.  "I just drew you in the Lottery."
                                - - - - -

*   Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his
  date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
    "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr.
  Right'." he said dejectedly.
    "That's a silly old romantic notion." laughed the coed.  "I'm just
  waiting for Mr. Big."
                                - - - - -

*   "And to think," murmured the rosy-glowing freshman, a virgin until
  he started college. "that up until this year, I thought happiness
  was a warm puppy."
                                - - - - -

*   "What went wrong on your date with that new guy last night ?"
  inquired the coed's roomie.  "You were back before midnite."
    "Talk about selfish !" exploded the girl.  "The jerk had one of
  those special condoms with the massaging fingers."
    "And that's selfish ???" asked the roommate dumbfounded.
    "Yeah !  He put it on inside out." she replied.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 11:51:33 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: If Hitler went to Heaven <may be off. to religious people>

Adolf Hitler dies and finds himself in front of the door of Hell. He
knocks, Satan opens the door and asks: "What's your name?"  "Adolf
Hitler", he replies. Satan is flabbergasted. "Adolf Hitler? I know
what you did on Earth and there's not way I am going to take you in.
Indeed, this is Hell, but there's a limit to everything. Hey, why
don't you go to Heaven? Follow the road, there's a big door on the
right, you can't miss it." Elated by this stroke of luck, Hitler
starts walking towards Heaven.
The following day, there's a knock at the door of Hell. Satan opens
and finds Jesus standing outside. "Jesus, what are you doing here?",
he asks, surprised. And Jesus replies: "I just escaped from the camp and
would like to apply for political asylum!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 08:43:08 +0200
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Riddles (clean)

1. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today ?
Ans : Because he is dead.

2. If you throw a  red stone into the blue sea what it will become ?
Ans : It becomes wet.

3. What is that no man ever saw - which never was but always will be ?
Ans : TOMORROW

4. Why does a dog bite its tail ?
Ans : To make both ends meet.

5. What looks like half apple ?
Ans :  The other half.

6. What 3 letters change a girl into a  woman ?
Ans : AGE.

7. What  happened when wheel was invented ?
Ans : It caused a revolution.

8. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
Ans : Because it has its own scales.

9. Why does a bike  rest on its leg ?
Ans : Because it is too tyred.

10. Why letter E is  like Death ?
Ans : Because it is end of 'LIFE'

11. What goes up but never comes down ?
Ans : Age.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 08:46:39 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Now What?! (not off.)

 Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle
 of the ocean.  They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box
 of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

 After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food
 and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst
 and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the
 water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil
 lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.

 Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the
 stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now
 and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm
 outta here!  Make it a good  one!"

 The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we
 can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he
 instantly turned the entire ocean  to beer.

 "Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on
 the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 13:06:35 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Macho Rats (Adult humor)

3 rats are bragging about how macho they are. The first says,
"I'm really macho. When I want to impress a female rat I run
through the sitting room when people are there." The
second responds with, "That's nothing. I take the female over to
the trap, force open the trap wire with one hand, and hold it
open whilst I take the cheese and offer it to the female. Now
that's what I call macho." The first two turn to see the third
rat slinking out of the rathole. "Ha! We're too macho for you,
are we?" "No", replies the third' "It's just that I'm off to rape
the cat."


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 23:29:04 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: What is an American?

What is an American?

(from The Laugh Page - http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage)

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last
dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a
car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for
education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three
billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and
National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled
Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live
longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for
lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make
more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we
are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car
while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in
the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with
our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but
we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world
and still have more divorces.

- - - - -
*"A day without sun shine is like, you know, night."


http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 23:45:01 -0400
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Business has been tough  {Adult}

Two prostitutes were talking on a street corner one night.  Says one to the
other:  "Business has been pretty slow lately.  I had to lower my rates just
so I could pay my rent!"  The other hooker raised one eyebrow and responded:
 "Oh yeah?  You think business is tough?  Just to get a warm meal, I had to
swallow!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 09:25:33 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Turn Over!<adult>

 This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in love withthis
 Greek guy and was determined to marry him.  Her mother tried hard
 to stop her, but when she knew she couldn't stop her daughter, she
 said to her, "Listen child, marry him and may you live happily everafter.
 But the day or night he asks you in bed to turn over, you come backto me,
 for he has lost respect for you."
 The daughter agrees to this and the wedding takes place.  Couple
 ofyears go by and they are one happy couple.  Then one night, when they
 are about to make love, the guy tells her, "Turn over honey, let's do it
 the other  way."
 The girl is very unhappy.  She is crying and begins to pack her bags.
 The husband doesn't understand and asks, "What's wrong, hon?"
 "My mom told me all about you guys.  You have lost respect for me,so
 you want me to turn over.  I can't live with you when you have norespect
 for me."
 But honey," replied the Greek, "I thought you wanted to have a baby."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 23:59:38 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Humorous tennis poem

Preparedness by Edward Lear

When you've had yourself accoutered
  In the finest tennis clothes
And been sedulously tutored
  By the best of tennis pros
And have spent long hours choosing
  Among racquets by the score
And have sat up nights perusing
  All the books of tennis lore
and have studied drop-shot placement
  With devotion that appalls
And worked weekends in your basement
  With a Thing that belches balls
And developed comprehension
  Of the principles of Zen
To make sure that tennis tension
  Won't disrupt your game gain
And grown thoroughly familiar
  With the art of gamesmanship--
You'll be feeling that much sillier
  When you lose the set six-zip.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 23:43:06 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Smart Men (off. to Bill Gates & ValuJet)

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New Jersey.  There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.  Suddenly, an illegal oxygen
generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger
cabin began to fill with smoke.  The cockpit door opened, and the pilot
burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news.  The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey.  The good news is that there
are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"  With that, the pilot
threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.  "Gentlemen," he said, "I am
the world's greatest athlete.  The world needs great athletes.  I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"  With these
words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through
the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man.
The world needs smart men.  I think the world's smartest man should have
a parachute, too."  He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another.  Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke.  "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment.  You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, Pop -- there's
actually two parachutes left.  The world's smartest man just jumped out
wearing my backpack."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 21:37:27 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor and rec.humor.funny (rhf)

WARNING: May be offensive to Michael Jackson, Roswellians, New Jerseyites,
IRS, FBI, doctors, British cows and people, Mike Tyson, Michael Kennedy,
out of work actors, the Frugal Gourmet, the tobacco industry, lawyers, Los
Angeles Police Department, homosexual pedophiles. Contains reference to
illegal drug use.

The rover Sojourner has begun taking pictures of Mars. The rover stands 1
foot high, is 2 feet long and travels at a half inch per seconds - roughly
the same as a Yugo.

Mike Tyson was ordered to appear before the Nevada Boxing Commission
hearing without his handlers. Oh, and to have lunch first. (Cutler Daily
Scoop)

Michael Jordan became a free agent and it's said that he's looking for a
three year deal for $100 million. Now, to put this into perspective, Mike
Tyson would have to bite six ears to make that kind of money.

60,000 tourists visited Roswell, New Mexico last weekend. As usual, nothing
happened, but this time there were more witnesses.

Ted Turner suggests adopting "America the Beautiful" as our national anthem
because it is not warlike. Apparently, Ted is living under the assumption
that most people actually understand the words to the "Star Spangled
Banner" (Daily Scoop)

Tobacco companies have pledged to curb underage smoking. I guess this
Marlboro's "Summer of Barney" tour is going to be canceled.

The post office set a record this last quarter with 94% of mail arriving on
time. Defying all odds, the Internal Revenue Service successfully sent its
refunds in the other 6%.

The Los Angeles City Council moved to ban "aggressive begging". I guess
this means no more public television.

Doctors are warning patients they should not rely on medical information
they receive on the Internet. It's not going to be very reliable until they
can figure out how to bill patients for it.

Three people were arrested and gear discovered from a stolen FBI SWAT
truck. They're the nations top rime fighters, and they haven't heard of the
Club? (Daily Scoop)

San Francisco is trademarking the expression "Summer of Love". Come on
people, now, pile on each other. Everybody get a lawyer, try to sue one
another right now... (Daily Scoop)

The original Mouseketeers are suing Disney for back royalties. "M - I -
S...
See you in court! K - E - Y... Why? Because we want our money, that's
why... (Daily Scoop)

The price of coffee continues to climb out of control. Just to give you an
idea how much it's gone up, if you spill a cup of hot coffee in your lap at
McDonald's, you have to pay THEM.

It's "Be Nice To New Jersey Week" - I guess this means I'm not supposed to
mention that it smells.

The FBI said it's certain the Olympic bombing in Atlanta is linked to two
other local bombings. Unless, of course, if it turns out it isn't linked.

A man robbed a bank in Fort Meyers, Florida, wearing a beach ball on his
head as a disguise. Police described the robber as armed and colorful.

The University of California may start a marijuana research center. I
thought the University of California WAS a marijuana research center.

A British Medical Assn. survey of members found that 74% are in favor of
prescription pot. What do you expect from a country that puts tuna on
pizza?

In England, McDonald's has announced it again will be using British beef in
its new sandwich, the Big Mad.

Public televisions "Frugal Gourmet" has announced his departure from the
long running series in the face of accusations of him trying to seduce teen
age boys. In a related announcement, Michael Jackson has announced the
arrival of a new executive chef at his secluded Neverland Ranch... (rhf)

Arco hired George Bush to make a speech in China promoting the company's
new billion dollar gas project. The former president charges $100,000 to
talk to groups. His topic? Free speech.

The Los Angeles Police Academy graduated 57 rookies. The formal swearing in
was followed by a no-host doughnut buffet at Winchell's.

Afterthought - Do you think Fred would have ordered the large ribs if he's
known it would tip over the car? (rhf)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Jul 1997 01:25:25 -0400
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report

Hi, everyone!  This is Jim, with this week's traffic report.  After the
first Sunday of every month, I send the report to the entire list.  Every
week, I send the report to the contributors' list, with the exception of
this past week, when I just couldn't get to it, for which I humbly
apologize to all of those who await my weekly report.
  The month of July has historically been a month during which freedom and
revolution has been declared.  Whether you are a resident of Canada,
France, the United States, Poland, or Australia (or countless other
countries as well...), some of the freedoms you currently enjoy (even if
they're not as great as you might hope) were originally achieved in the
month of July.
  And the HUMOR list stands for a certain freedom of its own.  The freedom
to laugh, sometimes heartily, at the trials and tribulations of ourselves
and others.  Obviously, when laughing at the follies of others, we
sometimes delve into the realm of stereotyping and potentially offensive
material, so the HUMOR list actually mandates that ample warning be given
to anything that can be potentially offensive.  Just as you cherish your
right to laugh and be amused, you should also cherish your right not to
read anything that could otherwise offend your sensibilities.
  Perhaps you'd like to enjoy the freedom of expression that HUMOR allows.
The rules are fairly straightforward: if something is potentially offensive
to someone, warn them.  Don't take up a lot of bandwidth in posting (this
basically means no ASCII art, don't post something excessively long (more
than 99 lines) without permission, don't post more than once per day.
Personally, I think the rules we have are simple common sense based on the
purpose of this list: to provide freedom of expression for our contributors
without damaging the readers' right not to be offended.  To provide samples
of modern humor.  If you'd like to become a contributor, send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE or point your web
browser to http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html.
  Perhaps there's one other freedom you'd like to enjoy.  To keep your
email box relatively free from unsolicited advertising.  While there is no
such thing as a foolproof plan to protect this freedom, when you subscribe
to this list, anyone who is good at tweaking L-Soft's LISTSERV software may
be able to obtain your email address.  If you don't want them to get your
address, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL.  All
commands go in the body of your email.  You may send as many commands as
you want in a single message, as long as you keep them, one command to a
line.
  If you have any problems, feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html.
  See y'all in a month!

               Traffic Report for HUMOR, 29 June - 5 July
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

  29  Sunday          6       10        8       15        6
  30  Monday          5        8       12       16       12
   1  Tuesday        12        8       10       17       16
   2  Wednesday       8       13       14       12       10
   3  Thursday       13       14       18        9       16
   4  Friday         10       14       12       13        8
   5  Saturday        5        6        4        9        6

   Average           8.4     10.4     11.1     13.0     10.6

Subscriptions      10 178   10 106   10 063    9 906    9 877
Countries            101      100      100      100      100
Contributors         799      798      793      800      805

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Belize,
Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia,
Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,
Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon,
Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova,
Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland,
Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia,
Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey,
Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia,
Zimbabwe

                              Total countries: 100

                  Email me if your country is not listed here.
-----
And now for my usual contribution of humor:

Subject:  But please don't cut off their funding...

Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut
and Roland Sweet

Five groups in the United States, Britain, and Australia announced that
they were teaming up to develop the world's first supersonic automobile.
One participating engineer told London's Sunday Times that their goal is
"one of the most extraordinary ventures in engineering today."  He
admitted, however, that it lacks any real purpose.

-----
   Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com        http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jul 1997 to 9 Jul 1997
**********************************************
