HUMOR Digest - 7 Jul 1997 to 8 Jul 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 475 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Gangsta's Paradise
  2. The Wife <adult humor>
  3. Sports Humor
  4. Life Saver <disrespectful to the Bible>
  5. Foo Bird
  6. It's a hard life. <sexual>
  7. A Good Time?
  8. THE HUNTER AND THE BEAR <PROFANE, SICK, POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE TO HUNTERS AND
     BEARS>
  9. Exercise Diary
 10. Donkey balls <Profane>
 11. The Airplane <Sick humor>
 12. Plastic Surgery (crude,off to Liz, Hollyfield)
 13. Ventings
 14. Humor - Gen. Halftrack Gets Sensitivity Training
 15. Posting Violation -- You're Out Of Heaven!
 16. The Conquest <clean>

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Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 09:55:33 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Gangsta's Paradise

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 05:15:36 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Wife <adult humor>

*   With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far
  drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  He walked over to the bar
  and asked "What's the trouble buddy ?"
    "It's a woman." replied Conrad.  "What else ?"
    "Tell me about it." coaxed Dick.
    "It's your wife."
    "My wife ???  What about her ???"
    "Well, buddy-boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the guitar player who spent all week working on a new
  arrangement, only to discover that his wife wasn't going out of town
  after all.
                                - - - - -

* Sometimes women are so interested & amazed at their husbands' joy and
  happiness they hire private detectives to find out the reason for it.
                                - - - - -

*   A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.  When he got home
  he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had
  discussed horseback riding with the members.
    A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and
  they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
    She said, "Yes, I heard.  I was surprised about the subject matter,
  as he's only tried it twice.  The first time he got so sore he could
  hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
                                - - - - -

*   A woman is complaining long and loud to her husband that he never
  takes her anywhere.  She concluded with: "What would it take for you
  to go on a second honeymoon ?"
    He replied, "A second wife !"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 18:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Sports Humor

One day Satan challenged Heaven to a baseball game.  St. Peter took a
quick look at the rosters and accepted, warning Satan that heaven
had all the greatest players who ever died.

Satan agreed, but told St. Peter, "Don't worry, we have a secret weapon."

On the day of the game St. Peter asked Satan what his secret weapon was.
And Satan responded, "We have all the umpires."

---
Terminator Spaghetti: pasta la vista, baby

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 14:22:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Life Saver <disrespectful to the Bible>

I always kept a bullet on my breast pocket, near my heart. One day,
somebody threw a Bible at me, and the bullet saved my life.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 09:58:24 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Foo Bird

This might have been posted before, if it was, it was before I subscribed,
but here goes:

 There was once a group of ornithologists(bird watchers) that had heard about
a legendary bird of the central Amazon. They decided to mount an expedition
to retrieve a sample of the bird.
 Upon arriving at their destination, the group hired several locals as
guides. They continued deep into the jungle. Once, a bird flew overhead, and
the natives yelled"Foo! Foo! Foo!" as loud as they could and scared the bird
away. The ornithologists were dismayed, because that was the very bird they
had come to capture. So they instructed the locals not to scare away the
birds from then on. Later, a bird flew overhead and "dropped a bomb" on one
of the hats of the expedition. He looked at it, then wiped it off on a tree.
While he was doing that, a highly poisonous snake snuck out and bit him. He
died within seconds.
 That did not deter them, and they struck out into the jungle again. Later,
another bird flew overhead and shit on the hat of another ornithologist. He
also looked at it, then wiped it off. Three steps later, he was attacked and
killed by a large jungle cat.
 Undaunted, they went ever deeper into the jungle. Eventually another bird
flew overhead, and also shit on the their heads. This time, the head
ornithologist forbade anyone to clean themselves off, saying this time he has
learned his lesson:
"If the Foo Shits, Wear It!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 16:18:35 GMT2
From:    Master of Disaster <FRANS@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: It's a hard life. <sexual>

>From a friend who got it from a friend.

"A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the
pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks.
Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings
over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says," yeah,
you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they
slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is
walking by and overhears their conversation and says, " you
think that your life is tough?? Whenever I get big, fat and
juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark
smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!""

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 11:19:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Good Time?

 A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
 doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when
 the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier,
 but I'm  actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly
 paid her, and they did their thing.

 After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
 the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I
 should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and
 the fare back to town is $25."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 12:32:35 EDT
From:    "Chris M. De Almeida" <cool167@JUNO.COM>
Subject: THE HUNTER AND THE BEAR <PROFANE, SICK,
         POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE TO HUNTERS AND BEARS>

It seems that a man went bear hunting one day in the woods. He came
across a bear and shot it right in the ass. The bear turned around,
grabbed the hunter by the collar and said, "I'll let you go, but only
under one condition: you have to fuck me in the ass to get the bullet
out." So he said alright. The next day the hunter came into the same
woods. He saw a bear and then shot it in the ass. The bear turned around,
grabbed the poor guy by the collar and said, "You again! Fuck you. Wait a
minute...NO FUCK ME to get the bullet out, motherfucker!" So the hunter
fucked the bear once again. The next day the hunter comes into the same
woods and shoots the same bear in the ass. The bear turns around and
says, "You're not comin' here for huntin' are ya?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 09:46:49 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Exercise Diary

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who
said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived
at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the
machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a
little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in
that outfit of hers added about ten points.  Enjoyed watching the aerobics
class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to
her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had
me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put
weights on it, for heaven's sake| Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it.
Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't
try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient
with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The
treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't
imagine anything worse.

Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't
help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme
pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on
my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you
don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept
responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.
The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?

Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked
the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the
weather channel.

Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will
give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 13:07:42 EDT
From:    "Chris M. De Almeida" <cool167@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Donkey balls <Profane>

An American just crossed the border to Mexico. He's late for a buisness
meeting and doesn't know what time it is. He goes up to a Mexican
standing right next to a donkey. The man says, "Excuse me, pendejo, do
you have the time?" The Mexican grabs the donkey right by the balls, and
says, "Uh, two tirty." The man says, "How in the hell can you tell the
time by grabbing a donkey's balls?!" The Mexican grabs the donkey's balls
and says, "You see dat clock over dare?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 13:07:42 EDT
From:    "Chris M. De Almeida" <cool167@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Airplane <Sick humor>

A man gets on an airplane and doesn't know where the bathroom is, so he
asks one of the lady flight attendants. She says the men's room is full,
but he would be able to use the women's bathroom, but not to press any of
the buttons in the bathroom. So he goes into the women's bathroom and
takes a shit. He presses button one. It's an automatic butt wiper. He
presses button two. It's an automatic ass scratcher. He presses button
three and wakes up in the hospital. He asks the nurse, "What the fuck
happened?!" The nurse says, "You pressed button three, didn't you? Ha!
Automatic tampon remover. It grabbed something else! Your PRICK is in the
jar over there!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 13:43:45 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Plastic Surgery (crude,off to Liz, Hollyfield)

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in
her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area.  She put
her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had
carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy,
he agreed that no-one but him would ever know.  He carried out the
delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of
skin.  It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her
bedside table.  She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.  "No-one
but you should know about this! You have let me down",she says.  "Ah"
says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I, wishing you a speedy
recovery." "How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought."

"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after
all your previous operations  - she is to be trusted."  "What a
beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched", says
Liz.

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.

"Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield  --
thanking you for his new ears!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 16:27:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ventings

Love may be blind, but marriage is a eye-opener.

Somebody told me about a herb you can take to help your memory, but I
can't remember who told me or the name of the herb.

I've been taking those new memory pills for three motnhs. Now I'm
remembering things that I wanted to forget.

Why do I love someone who makes me cry all the time?

I play the home version of the lottery. I take a dollar bill and
flush it down the toilet.

I want to be buried at Perimeter Mall so my wife and daughter can
visit me daily.

Isn't amazing how friendly telemarketers are until you say no?

I witnessed a most amazing sight: a state road construction crew
where every single person was actually working instead of just
standing around.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 16:48:42 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Gen. Halftrack Gets Sensitivity Training

 `Bailey' strip gets attitude adjustment

 By STEFANIE NEWTON Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 Finally, a military sex scandal that ends without a Pentagon briefing or
court-martial.  But it's only in the funny pages.

 Starting today, Beetle Bailey's Gen. Amos Halftrack, who has ogled and
drooled over Miss Buxley for decades, enrolls in sensitivity training.

 "With all the bad stuff going on in the Army, ... some of my major editors
felt that if we had any kind of sex play, it might seem that we were
condoning those practices," Beetle Bailey creator Mort Walker said from his
home in Boca Raton, Fla. "So we turned the old goat into a lamb."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 23:34:58 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Posting Violation -- You're Out Of Heaven!

A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her
social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his
workstation:

pearly-gates:~/peter grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status

The computer responded:

212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty

pearly-gates:~/peter

Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan
to hell would be arriving shortly.

Cindy began to protest, "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow
neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely
there must be a mistake!"

So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold, that she
truly was a kind, warm, gentle person ... until he saw the entry for Jan
7, 1992-Earth, which read:

**DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69***
Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.

After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman, "It
seems that on January 7, 1992, you posted an article to
alt.religion.computers.

"This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward
Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'!
In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and
discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn't even a
reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming.

"Oh dear, this is terrible. You see, heaven is a perfect  place, and we
only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3
line up from New Jersey, we've been particularly harsh on breakers of
netiquette.

Didn't you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"

He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few
moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:

11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages
       to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not repost a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading
       a week's worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.

When she was done reading, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped
her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a
complaint, you'll have to send mail to
status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com.
We have a group of cherubim who manage such requests.
But don't send it to status-change@godvax.heaven.com, or your request
will be distributed to the whole mailing list.
They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that the
16th commandment..."

At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in
the form of a Microsoft salesman, stepped out. "Welcome!" he said.
"We've been waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into
the minivan and was whisked away to the netherworld, a world of
COBOL, System36s, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and
irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll
like it here", he said, "We have netnews, but we've greatly simplified
it. We have only one group,it's alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"


www.smart1.net/aditya

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:19:16 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Conquest <clean>

  Three astronauts, a Russian, an American  and  a Sardarji  are
  arguing about who's the best.

  The Russian    :  WE are the best. WE were the first in space.

  The American   : No, no no. WE are the best. We were the first to put
                   a man on the moon.

  The Surd       : No, no gentlemen. We are the best. WE are planning to
                   land on the Sun.

  The other two  : But... but... you can't do that. The Sun's too hot.

  The Surd       : But we thought of that too. We're going to do it at
                   night.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jul 1997 to 8 Jul 1997
**********************************************
