HUMOR Digest - 6 Jul 1997 to 7 Jul 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The 90's <some adult humor>
  2. Did you know?
  3. True Groaners :P
  4. The Cameron Column #50
  5. HMO Q&A <probably offensive to those in charge of HMOs>
  6. More venting from Atlanta
  7. Witty poem for accountants
  8. RedNeck Computer Lingo <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 04:11:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The 90's <some adult humor>

* It was bound to happen.  These days with all the emphasis on one's
  physical fitness, a new organization has sprung up called "Athletics
  Anonymous."  When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power
  walking or bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of
  physical activity), they send someone over to drink with you until
  the urge passes.
                                - - - - -

* Even in the 90's, there are still more important things than money.
  Unfortunately, they won't date you if you don't have any.
                                - - - - -

*   The unemployed Yuppie engineer came home dejectedly following yet
  another day of fruitless job-hunting.  He found his wife lying on the
  bed, her clothes torn off, and she was crying hysterically.
    "Good Lord !" he yelled, "Who did this to you ?"
    "Oh darling, I tried to fight him off.  He came here looking for
  you and found me alone and defenseless."
    "WHO ???   Who did this awful thing ???  I'll kill him !!!"
     "Your job placement counselor from NorthAmerican Defense Inc."
     "My counselor ???" he said, his face brightening.  "Did he say
  whether he'd found me a job or not ?"
                                - - - - -

* The advance proofs of a cookbook for hopheads recently came out.  The
  wildest recipe is for a salad.  You cut up lettuce, tomatoes, green
  peppers and cucumbers; then you add a dash of cocaine and the salad
  tosses itself.
                                - - - - -

* I'm afraid these days Americans are still obsessed with a youthful
  appearance.  My wife wanted a face lift.  The surgeon advised her that
  he couldn't do that, so, they lowered her body.

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 10:24:30 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Did you know?

Did you know that . . .

- The abbreviation for 1 pound, "lb.", comes from the astrological sign
  Libra, meaning balance.

- If you took a standard slinky and stretched it out it would measure 87
  feet.

- 1/100th of a second is called a "jiffy".

- There are 1,929,770,126,028,800 different color combinations  possible
  on a Rubik's Cube.

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 11:19:04 -0400
From:    Nermie <Nermie@INNOCENT.COM>
Subject: True Groaners :P

We all need them. The only problem I have with the "groaners" is that my
mother usually acutally laughs for 10 minutes at them. I have given up
telling her any jokes. Enjoy!

Q. Where do ghouls go after Junior High?
A. Highs Ghoul.

Q. WHat is a fishes favourite country?
A. FINland.

Q. What kind of pickle growns south of the equator?
A. A Tropickle.

Q. What does one call a person who stuffs cabs?
A. A taxi-dermist.

Q. What kind of can flies over the ocean and eats a lot of fish?
A. A Pelican.

Q. What kind of car is hardest to hit?
A. A Dodge.

Q. What state do cows like best?
A. Cow-lorado.

Q. What do you call the King of Russian Sardines?
A. Czardine.

Q. What is the cheapest way to buy holes?
A. Holesale.

Q. What it is called when a lot of stamps run out of the post office?
A. A stampede.

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 17:20:03 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Cameron Column #50

--------------------
Big Al
Big Al's Budget Driver Training School

Dear Big Al:

     Recently you finished a six week training course with my 15 year old
daughter, the result of which is that she now has a "learner's permit."
This means by state law she can legally drive an automobile with me sitting
next to her, though my cardiologist has strongly warned against it.
     The grade she received was an "A", so I am going to assume that she
learned some of her more innovative driving techniques from you.  I would
therefore be most interested why you taught my "A" student driver the
following:

Dangerous Situations - Dangerous situations, such as a horse trailer parked
sideways across the country road in front of you, are best handled by
applying pressure to the following (in order):
     1.  The radio control button.
     2. The horn.  If, despite the fact that you have changed radio
stations and honked the horn, the horse trailer has not moved out of your
way, your choice is to
          (a) press on the accelerator and aim for the space between the
front of the horse trailer and the guardrail, a distance which can not
possibly allow more than 4 millimeters clearance on either side, or
          (b) wait until the last possible moment and hit the brakes,
painting deep black marks on the pavement.  When your passenger, who
happens to be your father,  complains that he does not appreciate being so
near death that he could hear long dead relatives urging him to "move into
the light," point out very reasonably that he was never in any real danger
because the vehicle has dual air bags.

The Radio - Each time a song you enjoy comes on the radio, squeal "this is
my favorite" and turn up the volume.  Never under any circumstances turn
the sound back down when the song is over, until incrementally you have
advanced to the very limits of the capacity of the car's speakers to
vibrate everything inside the vehicle.  At this point, you will not be able
to hear your father's terrified
screaming anymore, so now you can relax and drive the way you want.

Other Important Accessories -
     1.  Aside from the radio, the next most important accessory in the
automobile is the rear view mirror, which should be checked every few
minutes to make sure your makeup is in good condition.  The best time to do
this is when you
are merging traffic, because there might be someone you know in the car you
are running off the road, and you want to look your best.      2.  The horn
is also important, because as you honk it and wave at the group of boys at
the corner it will alert other drivers to the fact that, as far as you are
concerned, whatever happens to traffic over the course of the next few
seconds is out of your hands.  Your father may lunge for the controls and
do his irritating over-reacting bit again; but you'll be twisted so far
around in your seat to hold the boys in your gaze you won't be affected by
his antics.
     3.  The ash tray is a good repository for used chewing gum, though
your father will go berserk when he sees the size of the rock-hard mass
you've accumulated there.  Like, would he rather you be smoking?  Besides,
when the ash tray fills with gum it's time to get a new car.

Stoplights - While it is not always necessary to run down pedestrians, you
should take whatever means at your disposal to avoid stopping for a red
light.  Normally, this means accelerating aggressively when approaching a
stoplight, particularly if the light has been yellow for more than a few
moments.  Shouting a joyful "hold on" to your father as you mash the
accelerator is not really necessary, because his fingers are sunk so far in
the dashboard he is practically inside the glove compartment.  If you DO
find yourself halted at a red light, busy yourself with the radio,
searching for the song you've already heard three times in the past ten
minutes.  Don't worry, the cars behind you will honk in a friendly manner
once the light has changed to green, though to be fair you should give
everyone a chance to toot their horns before you right yourself and sail
past the (now yellow) stoplight.  And remember, whatever is the speed
limit, you should be moving that fast just as soon as is mechanically
possible, even if your father complains of blacking out from the G-forces.

Final Thoughts - Having a parent sitting next to you while you drive can be
most distracting, so be prepared to shut him up with the following
responses to his unwarranted exclamations:

     Dad:  Slow down!  You're taking this turn on two wheels!
     You:  Don't be silly, this car has four wheel drive.
     Dad:  Look out for that truck!
     You:  What truck?
     Dad:  You have to stop, he has right of way.  Stop!  He has right of
way!  STOP!  Look out!  Didn't you see that guy?  He had right of way!
     You:  I know that!
     Dad:  Look out for that car!
     You:  What car?

     So, Big Al, while there are other items I may have overlooked (mainly
because I have my eyes shut much of the time while she is driving) these
are the main ones I'd like to know about.  I'll look forward to hearing
from you.

Yours,
W. Bruce Cameron


--------------------
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/c/a/p/capekid27.html

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 14:57:17 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: HMO Q&A <probably offensive to those in charge of HMOs>

>From *Public Citizen Research Group Health Letter*
 as quoted in the July *Prairie Rambler*

Q - I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the
    doctor I want?
A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your
    insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
    were participating in the plan at the time the information was
    gathered.  These doctors basically fall into two categories --
    those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will
    see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry --
    the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new
   patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.

Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!"  Its roots
    go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
    that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
    he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the
    physical finger poke with hi-tech qequivalents such as voice-mail and
    referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A - No.  Only those you need.

Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want
    to talk about existing conditions.  Unforutnately we appear to be
    pre-stuck with it.

Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
    brand.  I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach
    ache.  What should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.

Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your
    primary care physician.  It's best to wait till you return and then
    get sick.

Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists s/he can
    handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
    transplant right in his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
    copayment, there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?

Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd
    already paid my bill.  What should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can
    ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers
    doctors & dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 22:23:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting from Atlanta

These are my favorite venting from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's
"daily outbursts from readers"

--I read my daughter a newspaper article that said the police found a
  human humerus bone. She said, "That's silly. Why didn't they say they
  found a funny bone?"

--To the woman who is upset because her size 6 dress doesn't cost
  less than her friend's size 14: You're breaking my heart, honey.

--If biting someone got you $30 million, my child would be a
  billionaire by now.

--Why is it that I was pregnant for nine months, in labor for two
  days, breast fed for six months, and all my kid can say is Da-da?

--I check my bumper, but I still can't figure out how it attracts
  tailgaters.

--No, man and woman were NOT created equally. Give him time, He'll
  eventually evolve.

--What'so courteous about a courtesy call?

--My wife said she had her hair teased. To me it looked like it was
  insulted.

--Another angel just got his wings. (reference to Jimmy Stewart)

--Don't you hate it when your kids eat all the marshmallows out of
  the Lucky Charms?

--There are three stages in a marriage. Lust, rust, and dust.

--Why do banks cvhain down their ink pens? They never work, so why
  would anyone want them?

--Have you ever wondered why the same people who keep their
  thermostats on 80 in the winter so they will be warm keep their air
  conditioning on 70 during the summer to be cool?

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Date:    Sun, 6 Jul 1997 23:53:38 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Witty poem for accountants

The Hardship of Accounting by Robert Frost

  Never ask of money spent
  Where the spender thinks it went.
  Nobody was ever meant
  To remember or invent
  What he did with every cent.

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Date:    Mon, 7 Jul 1997 10:07:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: RedNeck Computer Lingo <clean>

 "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

 "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

 "Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

 "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

 "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

 "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

 "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

 "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get
 a free case.

 "LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

 "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or
 girlfriend.

 "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the
 porch longways."

 "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

 "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

 "Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires and
 pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jul 1997 to 7 Jul 1997
**********************************************
