HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1997 to 6 Jul 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 325 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Travel <adult humor>
  2. HUMOR - Would hire these guys? (2/3)
  3. HUMOR - Redneck's Dick (sick, off to Southerners)
  4. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  5. In plain English: we're still not making sense
  6. Bug

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Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 04:43:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Travel <adult humor>

*   The tourist was attempting to sneak several quarts of tequila,
  an expensive import in the US, back from Mexico.  The border
  guard asked what was in the bottles.
    The fellow replied, "That's Holy Water from the shrine of the
  Virgin Mary."
    The guard opened one of the bottles, poured a drop on his finger,
  and tasted it.  "This is tequila !" he said sternly.
    "My heavens." gasped the tourist. "Another miracle !!!"
                                - - - - -

*   The rural couple scrimped and saved and sent their son to Europe
  for both education and travel.  The youth decided to grow both a
  mustache and a goatee.  Thinking to surprise his parents, he sent
  a snapshot back home with the caption, "Do you think I now look
  like a Count ?"
    The Father wrote back, "Here we are spending a fortune on your
  education and your spelling hasn't even improved one lil' bit."
                                - - - - -

*   An Italian cabdriver was telling a passenger that only real men
  drive taxis in Rome.  "We use our left hand for signals and our
  right hand to wave at women." he proclaimed.
    The tourist asked, "But how do you steer ?"
    "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only real men drive
  taxis in Rome."
                                - - - - -

*   A tourist was propositioned in London one night. When he replied
  that he was almost broke, the girl agreed to a quickie in the alley.
    After a bit, the girl noticed the fellow was losing interest and
  said, "What's the matter dearie ?"
    He fumed, "Well, not only am I involved in this ridiculous standing
  position, but you have the brazen indecency to keep nodding at the
  people passing by."
    "Well, that's your own fault Governor." she snapped back.  "Yer've
  tucked in a bit o' me scarf."

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Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 09:06:26 -0700
From:    "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
         bright until you hear them speak." <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR - Would hire these guys? (2/3)

Employers were asked to list the most unusual questions that have been asked by
job candidates:

*  What is it that you people do at this company?

*  What is the company motto?

*  Why aren't you in a more interesting business?

*  What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?

*  Why do you want references?

*  Do I have to dress for the next interview?

*  I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?

*  will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?

*  Will the company pay to relocate my horse?

*  Does your health insurance cover pets?

*  Will it be a problem, if I am angry most of the time?

*  Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?

*  Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?

*  Why am I here?

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Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 10:24:03 -0700
From:    Himenator <phimes@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR - Redneck's Dick (sick, off to Southerners)

Q:  How do you cut off a redneck's dick?
A:  Kick his sister in the chin.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 11:49:24 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor, and rec.humor.funny (rhf)

WARNING: May be offensive to the British, American politicians, America
Online, Michael Jackson, Michael Kennedy, Mike Tyson, Amtrak, American
military, Lorena Bobbitt, the tobacco industry, Jacques Cousteau. Includes
reference to illegal drug use.

Britain returned control of Hong Kong to China this week. In a last minute
decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Now that Hong Kong has switched, it's only a matter of time before they'll
be bothered during dinner by AT&T, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to
switch again. (Miller)

China should be doing pretty good at this point - Britain gave them Hong
Kong, and the Democrats are selling them Washington.

Washington has been experiencing a heat wave. It was so hot, people were
standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their
hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly. (Leno)

Travel Advisory: Don't go to the Republic of Congo. They're having a fight.
(rhf)

The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67,
and senior citizens are upset. Senator Strom Thurmond responded, "These
kids today, it's always gimme gimme gimme."

The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet. Most
experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the
net - America Online.

A dissident faction of Ross Perot's Reform Party has broken off to form its
own party. Politics are getting pretty bad when you have to reform the
Reform Party.

President Clinton responded to the UN Earth Summit criticism by endorsing
tough new standards for clean air. It's about time - twice during the '96
Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky.

The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. Those
people waited weeks for emergency help - never have a natural disaster in a
year that doesn't end with an election.

McDonald's heiress Joan Kroc's $15 million gift to North Dakota flood
victims has spawned other philanthropy. Michael Kennedy offered to drive
their baby sitters home.

Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow. (rhf)

The only person happy with the outcome of the fight was Tyson's new corner
person - Lorena Bobbitt.

Mike Tyson used to be a world ranked prize fighter - now he's just a two
bit boxer. (rhf)

A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. Did you know that
'Mir' is Russian for 'Amtrak'?

The Air Force says aliens didn't land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. They
say they were just test dropping mannequins. Knowing what we know about the
Air Force, they were probably blow up dolls. (Sorry Ken :)

Of course, I suppose this means Michael Jackson is one of *us*...

Debate continues on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case. Most lawmakers
think the military code is too strict. Of course, these are the same
lawmakers who think the Sixth Commandment says, 'Thou shalt not admit
adultery'.

I think if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court martialed
for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS.

The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once - for
example, one with Iraq and one with the '90's. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits. The
good news for them - they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they
bought in the last year if they still have the receipts. (Leno)

As part of the agreement, the tobacco companies have to get rid of all
their billboards. Pretty soon, Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man will be
living in OJ's guest house.

Smokers can relax, though. It's still legal to smoke under water and on top
of Mt. Everest.

And finally, following a lengthy illness, famed undersea explorer Jacques
Cousteau has died. In accordance with his wishes, he will not be buried or
cremated - his family will flush him down the toilet. (rhf)

Correction - in my last post, 'yummy' should have read 'yymmdd'. (rhf)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 19:13:30 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: In plain English: we're still not making sense

From: Varda Ullman Novick <vunovick@netcom.com>

Electronic Telegraph
            UK News
            Sunday 6 July 1997                               Issue 772

                 By Anthea Hall

                 The woman who has made it her life's work to rid the
                 English language of impenetrable and pretentious jargon
                 has admitted: "We are still a long way off."

                 What, asks Chrissie Maher, is an ambient replenishment
                 assistant? And what does unselected rollback to idle
                 mean? (see answers)

                 On the eve of an international conference of her Plain
                 English Campaign, she has issued a challenge to
                 supporters of plain speech to come up with more and worse
                 examples of what the campaign calls Goobledegook
                 Shockers.

                 Mrs Maher believes that the tide of jargon she declared
                 war on 30 years ago when she founded the campaign shows
                 no sign of abating. Incomprehensible English - known,
                 before EU days, as double Dutch - is as much in evidence
                 as ever.

                 "The Americans have a head start on us," she said. "But I
                 want British people to scour official and business
                 documents to find dreadful examples so we can beat the
                 Americans at their own game."

                 She said the campaign aimed to pool ideas to get the
                 English-speaking world to use clear language. "We have
                 just been to South Africa where we helped them re-word
                 the Bill of Rights and we did the same in Ghana.
                 Gobbledegook costs companies and governments millions in
                 wasted time and misunderstanding."

                 Here are some of the worst examples:

                 * A visitor uplift facility (as announced by a government
                 minister discussing tourist plans). Mountain train.
                 * A position incentivised. Being put on the bonus list.
                 * Ambient non-combatant personnel. Refugees of war.
                 * Festive embellishments of an illuminary nature.
                 Christmas lights (as described by politically correct
                 Northampton council).
                 * An unpremised business person. Hawker, street trader.
                 * Revenue enhancer. Tax collector (US).
                 * Non discretionary fragrance. Body odour (US).

                 Answers: An ambient replenishment assistant is a shelf
                 stacker and unselected rollback to idle means aircraft
                 engine failure in mid-flight. Utilise mouse button
                 depression in this vicinity to access article relocation
                 facility

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Sat, 5 Jul 1997 09:08:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get
a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the
doorbell rang.  He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there.  The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the
doorbell rang again.  The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there.  This time he was kneed in the groin and hit
behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.  Then the big bug
left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.  The doorbell
rang.  The cockroach was standing there.  The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room
floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.  He
explained events of the preceding four nights.  "What can I
do?" he pleaded.  "Not much" the doctor replied.  "There's
just a nasty bug going around >>

---
Reagan's model computer - no period, colon or memory.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1997 to 6 Jul 1997
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