HUMOR Digest - 30 Jun 1997 to 1 Jul 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 362 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. At the restaurant
  2. Family Glimpses
  3. Father Knows <practically clean>
  4. Back Home <adult>
  5. Three Quick Ones <suggestive, offensive to the obese>
  6. Gorilla joke (may be offensive to gorillas and chihuahuas)
  7. Gorilla Joke (Offensive to Gorillas and Chihuahuas)
  8. Language barrier
  9. slightly offensive to Catholics and Jews
 10. Alligator Shoes <Offensive to the USMC (Semper Fi!!)>
 11. Scoring with women
 12. Joke-clean: memory clinic

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Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 10:34:49 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: At the restaurant

There was a couple that went to a restaurant to have dinner. When the
waiter came the husband said:
- I'd like to have the veal.
- And what about the mad cow? asked the waiter.
- Oh yeah, she'll have the chicken.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 03:52:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Family Glimpses

*   The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long
  after he had left.  She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to
  your Lodge meeting."
    "It was postponed." he replied.  "The wife of the Grand Exalted
  Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonite."
                                - - - - -

* Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for
  an evening out: "Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want
  to go out -- but not you two.
                                - - - - -

* Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when
  a combination enthusiastic gardener - lawn care nut moves in.
                                - - - - -

* Father to his teen-aged son: "When I was your age, I would have
  felt lucky to have use of the family car, whether I agreed with
  the bumper sticker or not."
                                - - - - -

* Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar.  After he had
  finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. "Thanks."
  he said.  "Boss won't let me use the phone at work for personal
  calls, and the wife and two daughters won't let me at home."
                                - - - - -

* Psychiatrist to male patient:  "And did this feeling of absolute
  insignificance come on suddenly, or develop normally over time
  with marriage and Fatherhood?"
                                - - - - -

* The frazzled wife ran a day care center from her home.  Her husband
  greets her ardently with both a hug and kiss.  She recoils saying,
  "Why can't you come home from the office exhausted like other men ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 13:24:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Father Knows <practically clean>

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies..."Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when
you're in High School. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday
night."
The son then asks his father,"What's the 6 pack for?" The father
replies, "Well that's for when you're in College. You have 2 for
Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father, "What the 12 pack is for?" The father replies,
"That's for when you're married. You have one for January, one
for February, one for March....."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 17:54:11 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Back Home <adult>

  A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one
  day.He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much
  his wife loved him.  She was so thrilled to have him around that
  when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and
  yelled, "My husband's home!  My husband's home!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 10:53:53 -0400
From:    Dodd Harris <CDHIV@AOL.COM>
Subject: Three Quick Ones <suggestive, offensive to the obese>

Told me by Guenevere Ellaby:

Q: What's the difference between Virgin Olive Oil & Extra Virgin Olive Oil?
A: One has to beg for it more.

Q: Why didn't Hitler drink whiskey?
A: B/c it made him mean.

Q: What do you call two fat girls on the side of teh road?
A: Stranded


http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 12:16:26 -0400
From:    Linda Poole <lpoole@SHORE.INTERCOM.NET>
Subject: Gorilla joke (may be offensive to gorillas and chihuahuas)

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his backyard tree. He
gets his phone book to look up a gorilla removal service in the yellow
pages. The gorilla service guy says he can help him out but he needs to
know if its a male or female gorilla. The man runs outside, checks it out
and tells the service guy its a male gorilla. The service guy says, "OK,
I'll be right over."

A short time later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a
shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until
he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will attack the gorilla's
testicles. The gorilla will then reach for his testicles to protect himself
and that's when you snap the handcuffs on him."

"OK, the man says, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies,"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,
shoot the Chihuahua."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 12:16:23 -0400
From:    Linda Poole <lpoole@SHORE.INTERCOM.NET>
Subject: Gorilla Joke (Offensive to Gorillas and Chihuahuas)

  This guy wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla in his backyard tree.
He gets the phone book out and looks for a gorilla removal service. He
calls this place and the service man says he can help him out but he needs
to know it its a male or female gorilla. The guy runs out in his back yard,
checks out the gorilla and tells the service guy its a male gorilla.

  "OK, I'll be right there", says the service guy.

  An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun,
and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now,
I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he
falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will begin biting the gorilla's
testicles. The gorilla will then reach for his testicles to protect himself
and that's when you'll snap the handcuffs on."

  The man asks, "OK, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

  The service guy replies,"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,
shoot the Chihuahua."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 18:58:06 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Language barrier

A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta GA visiting family.  One day he
decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to
enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life--something he was
not accustomed to in the northeast.

While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small
child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid by
grabbing the dog, and choking it to death.

As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from
the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star
reporter for Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous:
"ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," to headline on page 1.

The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from
Boston, not Atlanta.  The next day he read the headline:
"YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 19:54:44 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: slightly offensive to Catholics and Jews

Max, the schmiel, can't find a job.  He finally applies for a job as a
janitor at the Catholic Church.  They decide to give him a trial run and see
what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine.  I just have a
few corrections.  First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't
use the holy water.  Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom,
do not hang it on the cross.  Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother
Shapiro!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 20:59:10 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Alligator Shoes <Offensive to the USMC (Semper Fi!!)>

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest.  Maybe you will run into a
couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later
came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought, "Those
must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."  Just then,
the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater
towards one of the Marines.  Just as the gator was about to attack, the
Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with
very little effort.  Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it
on its back.  Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.  One of
the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn,  this one doesn't have any shoes
either!"


"OK, Men, take that hill!"  "Uh, Sarge, where do you want us to put it?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Jun 1997 19:43:28 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Scoring with women

<Forwarded from David A. Moody (davm@ktb.net) and CarolynG5@aol.com>
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them)
from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score"
from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with
some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a
score of zero:

Simple Duties
--You go out to buy her flowers: +10
--But return with beer:  -5
--You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
--You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
--You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
--You pummel it with a six iron: +10
--It's her father:  -10

Social Engagements
--You stay by her side the entire party: 0
--You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
   college drinking buddy:  -2
--Named Tiffany:  -4
--Tiffany is a dancer:  -6
--Tiffany has implants:  -8

Saturday Afternoons
--You visit her parents: +1
--You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
--You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
--And the television is off:  -6
--You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
   underwear:  -6
--And you didn't even go to college: -10
--And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
--You take her out to dinner: 0
--You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
--Okay, it is a sports bar:  -2
--And it's all-you-can-eat night:  -3
--It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
   is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
--You give her a gift:  0
--You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
--You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
--You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
--You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
--You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
--With her credit card: -30
--And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness
--You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
--Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
--And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals
--You have a few beers: -9
--For every beer after three,  -2 again
--And miss curfew by an hour:   -12
--You get home at 3 a.m.:  -20
--You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap
   cigars: -30
--And not wearing any pants:  -40
--Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You
--You go see a comic:  +2
--He's crude and sexist:  -2
--You laugh: -5
--You laugh too much:  -10
--She's not laughing: -15
--You laugh harder:  -25

Driving
--You lose the directions on a trip:  -4
--You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
--You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
--You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up
   close & personal:  -25
--She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
--When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
   displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
--When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
--You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
   television or picking up a newspaper: +10
--She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Jul 1997 09:15:00 PDT
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-clean: memory clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when  one   of the
men asked the other, "fred, how was the memory clinic you  went to last
month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest   phychological
 techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference  for  me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call  that
flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that
clinic?"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jun 1997 to 1 Jul 1997
***********************************************
