HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 1997 to 30 Jun 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 223 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Trio of Jokes <adult/sexual humor>
  2. New English Words <clean>
  3. Paradoxical question (clean)
  4. The best of recent AJC's The Vent (Disney-SBaptist section)
  5. Shopping Confusion
  6. The dangers of speech recognition

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 05:23:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Trio of Jokes <adult/sexual humor>

*   Little Johnny was visiting the zoo with his Father.  He stopped and
  stared in fascination at the elephant.  "Hey Dad." he asked, pointing.
  "What's that thing hanging down ?"
    "Why, that's the elephant's trunk." his Father replied.
    "No, I mean there...  the other end."
    "Oh.  That's the elephant's penis."
    "That's funny..." Johnny mused.  "last time we were here, Mommy told
  me it was nothing."
    "Well son."  said the Father smiling.  "You have to remember, your
  Mother is a very spoiled woman."
                                - - - - -

*   Two middle aged gentlemen were in the club locker room discussing
  their sex-organ transplant operations.  "Mine cost twenty-five thousand
  dollars;" said the first fellow, "but it was worth every penny.  I'm a
  new man now, ready for anything."
    "Mine cost a lot less than that," said the second man, "and it's been
  nothing but a disappointment."
    "No wonder !" said the first man, taking a closer look.  "Why that's
  my trade in."
                                - - - - -

*   The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this ?"
    "A horsy." one child answered.
    "And this ?" the teacher asked the class.
    "A piggy." replied another youngster.
    "And now this one ?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male
  deer with a beautiful rack.  There was complete and total silence.
    "Come on now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a lil' hint.  What
  does your Mommie call your Daddie when he hugs and kisses her a lot ?"
     "I know !  I know !!!" said the one little girl.  "A horny bastard."

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 07:06:24 EDT
From:    Margaret Joels <jokey.smurf@JUNO.COM>
Subject: New English Words <clean>

               The Best of the DWORD Mailing List

 1. GEO: Geek Executive Officer - Technically oriented founder
    of a high tech company.

 2. Vibrospasm: Sudden awkward movement a person makes when his
    or her pager (the vibrating kind) goes off.

 3. Reboot: When the same girl boots you more than once.

 4. Wily Twine: A string of Christmas lights that seemingly has
    a mind of its own and forms another knot for every one undone.

 5. RTB: Acronym for Retinal Terminal Burn. A visual impairment
    occurring when an individual stares at a computer monitor
    for hours, then closes their eyes to see images of web
    pages on the back of their eye lids.

 6. Vrooming: The act of rolling a toy car or truck across the
    floor, while making engine sounds.

 7. Fungalmuck: The dirt found in garden mushrooms.

 8. Chickencanyounameit: The mysterious chicken dish served on
    airlines.

 9. Carbonated Dating: The process of telling how long a glass
    of soda has been standing on the table by examining the
    amount of bubbles left.

10. Co-Prenuer: When two entrepreneurs are tied together to
    achieve success. One cannot succeed without the other.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 13:47:59 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Paradoxical question (clean)

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 17:41:03 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: The best of recent AJC's The Vent (Disney-SBaptist section)

On a recent flight to Philadelphia, I asked the flight attendant why
the plane was so empty. She said, "The people going to the psychic
convention all changed their flight." What should I have done?

If a man says something and there is no woman in the room, is he
still wrong?

Since my old lady left me, I have lost my will to drink.

I have finally found my soulmate. Now what do I do with my husband?

May daughter the schoolteacher says the three things she likes best
about teaching are June, July, and August.

I wish I had invented crime scene tape.

While paying for dinner at the Chick-fil-A, my wife commented that
the cows in the poster had misspelled chicken. The teenage cashier
said, "I don't think those cows really wrote that. I think it's just
an advertising piece."

I can overlook intollerance, and I can overlook adultery. I just
can't stand politicians.

I love the country atmosphere in Barrow County (Georgia). Even the
cars on the used car lots are on blocks. I saw a 4 sale sing on a van
written ON THE VAN with magic marker.

Congress should apologize to all women, because if we'd had the vote,
we would have voted against slavery since we know what it's like
having been wives.

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?

The only people in Congress who should apologize for slavery are the
ones who were there when it was allowed -- Jesse Helms and Strom
Thurmond.

Isn't Affirmative Action apology enough?

The word closure is a synonym for vengence.

I work for BellSouth. Please hold.

It has become obvious to me that too many people are educated far
beyond their intelligence.

Well, we're runnings out of ZIP codes and phone numbers. I wonder if
we'll ever run out of dot coms?

Is it a contradiction to have a "Give wildlife a chance" car tag and
be a hunter?

I'm a Baptist. Every time we have a convention, they do something to
embarrass me. I wish they would stop having conventions.

Disney can relax. The Baptists are also against drinking, smoking and
dancing, and it hasn't hurt those industries.

I haven't been to Disney World for years, but if the Baptists are
going to boycott it, then it must be something I need to see.

All religions are hypocritical. If you think yours isn't look again.

I guess those Baptists are going to have to wear the same disguise to
Disney World that they wear to the liquor store.

I heard that the new slogan for the Southern Baptist Convention will
be "It's a small mind after all."

Lock up your grandmothers! The Rolling Stones are touring again!

Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Vent address is:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 23:53:51 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Shopping Confusion

A very timid woman went to the grocery store to buy several items.
When she reached the check-out counter, the clerk discovered that
the price tag was missing from her box of Tampax.  (This was before the
days of bar-code scanning.) So over the loudspeaker, the clerk asked for
the stockboy to check the price of Tampax.  This embarrassed the woman to
no end.

Imagine her mortification when the confused stockboy, thinking the
clerk had said "thumbtacks" came back over the loudspeaker asking, "Do you
mean the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a
hammer?"

As seen in "Living Somewhere Between Estrogen and Death" by
Barbara Johnson.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Jun 1997 21:09:02 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The dangers of speech recognition

From: William Noble, Thomas Leavitt and many others:

 At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
 demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.   A representative
 from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and
 asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

 Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
     "Format C: Return."
 Someone else chimed in:
      "Yes, Return"
 Unfortunately, the software worked.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 1997 to 30 Jun 1997
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