HUMOR Digest - 28 Jun 1997 to 29 Jun 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women of All Ages <adult humor>
  2. American movies
  3. French language police in Canada
  4. True errors from manuscripts submitted to editors <warning: some are from
     x-rate
  5. Humor:Math Jokes
  6. Will Rogers (Not Off.)
  7. Fake job openning for Dean at Honesty University
  8. A Little Story (innuendo)
  9. Chinese Dictionaries (might be off. to Chinese)

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Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 05:36:05 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women of All Ages <adult humor>

* The shapely woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor
  was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and
  said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man... so would
  you please stop squeezing my hand ?
                                - - - - -

*   "Unfortunately, you're just not right for us." the female art editor
  told the egotistical male model after she had checked him out as a nude
  centerfold prospect.
    "What's my best bet elsewhere ?" asked the disappointed model, as
  he reached for his clothes.  "I'm sure a display of my masculinity
  would be a sensation in any publication."
     "I suggest," replied the woman, "you try Reader's Digest."
                                - - - - -

*   In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a
  Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
    "You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances." intoned the
  savior of souls.  "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin ?"
    "Maybe and maybe not." she shot back.  "But if it's really original,
  it's gonna cost ya an extra fifty."
                                - - - - -

*   Noticing her daughter's breasts were beginning to bud, the woman
  sat her down and told her that they had to have a talk.  "It's time
  to explain some things."  she said.  "Like how a tiny baby comes to
  grow under a Mother's heart."
    "I'm sure that's real interesting and all Ma." replied the girl.
  "But right now, I'd much rather hear how to fake an orgasm."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 15:23:13 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: American movies

15 things the movies have taught me about America

In America
* you will always find parking.
* your telephone call can be restored by tapping the cut-off button.
* no-one says good-bye before hanging up.
* no-one ever finishes a meal, or a drink.
* people live on cheesecake, cereal and ice-cream.
* many people will share a tub of ice-cream - using only one spoon.
* cheesecake and ice-cream relieve stress.
* nobody buys single servings of ice-cream.
* the local heart-throb is always called Skip, Chad or Brad.
* if your parents named you Charles, Robert, William or John, you
  will go through life as Chuck, Bob, Bill or Jack.
* town sheriffs are always mean.
* cakes are divided into quarters, not slices.
* cars lose their hubcaps (wheel trims) when they go around corners.
* car chases are everyday occurances.
* all cars explode on impact.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 13:43:51 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: French language police in Canada

My friend on another list has received this message from French police.
It is followed by an English translation:

Faut dire <<deux vaches.>>  Vous devrez payer une amende pour avoire
presente une definition en anglais.  Les vaches doivent payer pour avoir
beugle en anglais.  Vous avez 30 jours a renvoyer la definition en
francais.  Les vaches doivent presenter des preuves qu'elles sont les
descendantes de vaches pures laines, sinon, elles seront transformees en
hambourgeois.  Poutine?

[You are hereby fined for presenting a definition solely in English.
The cows are fined for saying "moo" instead of "beugle."  You have 30
days to resubmit the definition in French.  The cows must prove that
they are descendants of cows that originally came to Nouvelle Quebec
with the original habitants, or else they will become "sandwichs
hambourgeois."  Would you like des frites with that?]

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 10:43:52 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: True errors from manuscripts submitted to editors <warning: some are
         from x-rated

Her hair was almost white with deep blue eyes

Almost as tall as I am in her high heels, she has reddish brunette hair

I received a marvelous set of eight-by-ten glossy prints of me and Todd
fucking wildly via the U.S. Mail.

I passed a thin woman wearing glasses with ordinary brown hair

With a quick jerk he striped my body

Her boobs juggle if someone leaves the window open and there's a breeze

I whispered a suggestion that we take a walk into her ear

Sometimes I can look in my mirror, rubbing my nipples together, my eyes
glazing, then I suck them

. . . one room with a sink in one corner, fridge next to it, stove crammed in
between.

David had bought me a cheap man's suit

Then she took my hand and started rubbing the juice from her pussy on her
head

Even on her back, her tits still look large and inviting

She was just sitting there, no one talking to her, standing tall at the bar

I heard a knock on the door and turned to find the single most beautiful
woman I'd ever seen standing in the living room

And the following is reprinted verbatim from a personal classified ad:

Young white male, Columbus area.  Looking for young, gay, good-looking male
for long-lasting relationship.  Must be white or Italian.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 08:16:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Math Jokes

>Sent From: "Dan J. Hicks" <sfmwqi@SCFN.THPL.LIB.FL.US>

Q. what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a
mosquito?

A. You should know you can't add a scalar to a vector.
	======================================

Three Indian squaws sat on animal skins, trying to outdo
each other's boasts.
The squaw on the buffalo hide praised her son, as he was
turning into a wise leader.  He was able to assist the tribal chiefs
in making the best of decisions.  "One day soon," she stated, he will
be one of the tribal chiefs."
The squaw on the bearskin boasted that her son was one of the
greatest hunters the tribe had ever known.  He had often come back
with kills, even when all other members of his party had come back
emptyhanded.  "As a matter of fact," she said, "I know for a fact,
that my son killed the bear, whose hide I now rest on."
The squaw on the hippopotamus hide nodded at the other two
women and said, "Well, I can outboast either of you."
"What do you mean?" asked the squaw on the bearskin.
"That is right," said the squaw on the buffalo skin.  "I happen
to know that you have no sons--you have no children at all!"
The squaw on the hippopotamus smiled confidently and said, I am
talking about myself.  I am just as good as both of your sons."
And, in their hearts, they knew her to be telling the truth; for
we all know that:
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
on the other two hides.
	======================================

Aboard the ark, the forty days of rain was drawing to a close,
and Noah was pleased to see that most of the animals aboard were already
starting to reproduce.  This was good, because it would give them a head
start when they had to leave the ark and make their way in the newly
cleansed world.
But, one type of creature that did not seem interested in
increasing its number was the kind of snake known as the adder.
He told his son Shem about this, and Shem said, "Don't worry,
Dad, I know what to do."
From the dining room of the ark, he took the large table, which
had been made out of logs, and, tying a length of rope to it, he put the
snakes on the table and floated it out behind the ark.
"Look!" said Shem.  He pointed to the table, which rode the
waves, in the wake of the ark, and at the adders on top of the table.
Already they were interested in each other, and had started to intertwine
themselves.
"Before long," said Shem, "we will have adder-eggs, then baby
adders."
"But," asked Noah, "how did you know that it would work?"
"Simple," said Shem.  "Even adders can multiply on a log table."


---
Math Problems?  Call 1-800- 10x(24+13)-(64-16)/2 36x2

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 14:38:51 -0400
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Off.)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                (but probably wishes he had)

--Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if
  they already know everything

--Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs
  $10 just to repair

--A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell

--The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep

--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer.  It's
  called a clothes line

--Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others

--Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the
  bill for them

--Four-word story of failure:  Hired, tired, mired, fired

--For every judge operating in an official capacity, there
  are 100 who are self-appointed

--It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are
  most likely to be remembered

--The more you know, the more you know you ought to know

--The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet

--The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 15:49:43 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Fake job openning for Dean at Honesty University

A winner of fake job openning contest: submitted by Ted Wendt
<twendt@mursuky.campus.mci.net> (edited so it would stay within the
100 line limit)

HONESTY UNIVERSITY has *Vacancy*
Dean, College of Increasingly Fragmented Studies

Honesty University, a public, almost comprehensive institution of
hopefully higher education, seeks someone desperate enough to fill a
vacancy created by the gleeful departure of the previous dean for a
better-paying, less-stressful job.  Honesty University is located in
the State of Flux, and receives a pitifully small annual subsidy from
a state legislature which would rather spend tax dollars on prisons,
highways, and tax breaks (AKA, bribes) to large corporations.  The
University is comprised of six colleges:  the College of Corporate
Greed (our largest); the College of Incompetent Instructional
Training; the College of Science (our smallest); the College of Small
Appliance Repair, Plumbing, and Technical Matriculation; the College
of Computer Worship (our best endowed); and the College of
Increasingly Fragmented Studies (IFS).

The College of IFS is comprised of the following units:  the Center
for Interdisciplinary Studies; the Center for International Studies;
the Center for Diversity Studies; the Center for Interpersonal
Studies; the Center for Cultural Studies; the Center for Intercultural
Studies; the Institute of Political Correctness; the Center for the
Politically Incorrect; the Department of Cross-Disciplinary
Deconstruction; the Institute for the Resource-Challenged; the
Department of Idiosyncrasy; the Department of Ideologic Eccentricity;
and the Institute for Providing Jobs for Faculty Who Got Tenure &
Don't Like Their Disciplines Any More.  The College also houses a
small instructional laboratory staffed entirely by adjuncts which
provides classes in English Composition, Public Speaking, Logic, Basic
Mathematics, Reading, and Appreciation of the Arts.  The Dean is the
chief administrator of the College, and supervises a small,
overworked, poorly-paid staff.  The Dean reports directly to the
Provost, who wishes the College of IFS didn't exist.

RESPONSIBILITIES:  The Dean of IFS is responsible for the
administration of all the programs listed above, but is expected to
have no opinions whatsoever about their daily operations.  As chief
fiscal officer of the College, the Dean is expected to acquire
unprecedented funding from the central administration, and turn it all
over to the unit which yells the loudest or considers its educational
mission The Only One That Really Matters.  The Dean will also be the
College's chief fund-raiser, and is expected to enlarge our endowment
(presently valued at $7,438.27) by $14.75 million within the next two
years.  The Dean will also:  sit on 137 committees; handle all
faculty, staff, and student grievances with the wisdom of Solomon;
approve, in writing, every trivial thing anyone can think of; teach
for free; approve, in writing, significant departmental changes, major
plans, and hair-brained schemes without reading any of them; grant all
leaves, promotions, and tenure awards without question; maintain a
significant program of scholarly research worth $12.5 million in
annual grants to Honesty U.

QUALIFICATIONS:
--a terminal degree in one of the disciplines represented within the
College, or equivalent professional credentials (e.g., blood
relationship with a member of our Board of Regents or State
Legislature)
--a record of teaching, research, and service that would earn an
endowed chair at Harvard
--legal skills and knowledge that could get you admitted to most
state bar associations
--demonstrated ideologic purity and absolutely correct politics
(although we will not tell you what these are)
--an administrative track record that would qualify you as a CEO for
any Fortune 500 corporation
--the teaching and negotiating skills of Jesus of Nazareth
--demonstrated ability to "please all of the people all of the time"

To apply, submit the following materials:
--a letter of application which demonstrates that you have lost every
last vestige of self-respect
--five current letters of reference from people who will be utterly
crushed to find out you wish to leave your present position
--original transcripts from every school you ever attended (although,
of course, these will be "filed" in the nearest wastebasket)
--your resume (preferably, 50+ pages litho-printed on museum-quality
parchment)
--a "brief" autobiographical sketch, clearly demonstrating what an
egotistical, ambitious, Machiavellian you are
--a book-length "vision plan" for the College of IFS, detailing how
you will turn a second-rate collection of misfits and prima donnas
into a world-class center of learning--on less money than it takes to
operate your average car wash)

Application Deadline:  72 hours from the time you first read this.

NB--Honesty University is an EEE (Equal Everything Employer)
institution.  Do not apply if some factor of your identity is not
politically in fashion (this list subject to frequent, random
changes).

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 18:25:51 -0400
From:    Sophie Kersey <Aerie15@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Little Story (innuendo)

Found this in a friend's house one day --

My name is Sgt. Friday.
I work on Tuesday.

Tuesday is my secretary.

One night we went to a party.
On our way there, we got a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped;
I jacked, she pumped;

Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.

When we got to the party, we all felt merry.

Mary got mad and left.
We all jumped for joy.
Joy got mad and left too.

Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.

We all had a piece.

The cake wasn't bad either.

Then I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt;
I felt, she felt;

Then I looked under the couch for my keys.

Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.

Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit.

Broke three of my fingers.

I was going to kiss her good night but she
closed her legs and broke my glasses.

Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.

So I did, then left.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 20:52:53 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Chinese Dictionaries (might be off. to Chinese)

 Are you harboring a Fugitive?                 HU YU HAI DING?
 Approach me                                   KUM HIA
 Stupid fellow                                 DUM GAI
 Small horse                                   TAI NI PO NI
 Prices are too high here                      NO BAI DAM TING
 Miami vacationing agreed with you             YA MAI TI TAN
 I bumped into a coffee table                  AI BANG MAI NI
 Have you considered a face lift?              CHIN TU FAT
 You trying to save electricity?                WAI SO DIM?
 Inquiry to determine if bus is due            HAO LONG WEI TING?
 Unauthorized execution                        LIN CHING
 Plaything belonging to ancient emperor        MING TOY
 You're blowing your diet                      WAI YU MUN CHING?
 Keep out of pond                              NOH WEI DING
 Tow-Away zone                                 NO PAH KING
 Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?       WAI YU SING DUM SONG?
 You are not very bright                       YU SO DUM
 I have a press pass                           AI NO PEI
 I do not deserve the death penalty            WAI HANG MI?
 How about staying awhile?                     WAI GO NAO?
 Our meeting was for next Thursday             WAI YU KUM NAO?
 You're suffering from chronic halitosis       YU BAI SEN SEN NAO
 They are approaching                          HIA DEI KUM
 Remain out of sight                           LEI LO
 Cleaning automobile                           WA SHING KAH
 Premature infant                              TAI NI BEI BI
 Cigarettes are hazardous to health            NO TSMO KING
 Did someone fertilize the field?              HU FLUNG DUNG?
 Your body odor is offensive                   SHU MAN GO
 Midnight television Program                   LEI TSHO

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jun 1997 to 29 Jun 1997
************************************************
