HUMOR Digest - 26 Jun 1997 to 27 Jun 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 287 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. One offensive word
  2. Now I Set Me...
  3. Public Bathroom <offensive if this is a redistribution>
  4. <Humor>  Metaphors, Dire
  5. safe sex
  6. Humor about knowledge
  7. The hardware store ( strong languaje )
  8. Definitions for the family
  9. The Creation <irreverent joke>

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 02:16:03 -0500
From:    Fred <fredb@CHEERFUL.COM>
Subject: One offensive word

Mickey and Minnie mouse are in court to get a divorce. The judge says to
Mickey, "as I understand it, you say that Minnie is crazy, is that
correct"? Mickey says "No, I said she was fucking Goofy"!

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 04:15:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Now I Set Me...

    Now I Set Me...  A 90's Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away should it rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I'm wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 07:58:44 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Public Bathroom <offensive if this is a redistribution>

From:    "THE CRIPPLER (X6739)" <PARZAMENDI@CORP.QGRAPH.COM>

TYPES OF PEOPLE ONE MEETS IN A PUBLIC WASHROOM

 1.  EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets
     it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole,
     rips button off in rage, pisses in pants.

 2.  SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a piss whether he has to or not.

 3.  CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pisses in one in middle, flushes one
       on right.

 4.  NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

 5.  TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching.  Flushes urinal as if he
     has already used it, sneaks back later.

 6.  INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

 7.  CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

 8.  WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick
     inspection.

 9.  FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly,
     never grows up.

10.  ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

11.  DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces,
     turns and charges back.  Doesn't make it.

12.  SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
     next stall will be blamed.

13.  CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

14.  PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.

15.  DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants.

16.  EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once.

17.  TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.

18.  FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses,pisses
     on shoes.

19.  LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

20.  DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 13:19:58 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor>  Metaphors, Dire

The following is from a Nebraska (US) newspaper editorial, c. 1870, reporting
on legislative turmoil.  One presumes this is the State Legislature.

        The apple of discord is now fairly in
        our midst, and if not nipped in the bud
        it will burst forth in a conflagration which
        will deluge society in an earthquake of
        bloody apprehension.

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 19:01:57 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: safe sex

definition of "Safe Sex"

It's sex the wife doesn't find out about.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 16:07:13 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Humor about knowledge

The person who knows everything has the most to learn.

The less a man knows, the easier it is to convince him he knows it
all.

Nothing annoys me more than a man who thinks he knows it all and
does.

Feel sorry for the man who has been educated beyound his
intelligence.

The only successful substitute for a lack of brain is silence.

The more a man knows himself, the less he says about it.

A wise man never blows his knows.

If a little learning is a dangerous thing, then most people are safe.

Knowing a lot is of no value if what you know isn't so.

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you just found out.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 19:29:25 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The hardware store ( strong languaje )

A woman got a job in a hardware store. Her first customer was a drunk guy,
who told her, "I need a bastard file."
"How dare you talk to me like that!" the incensed woman said. Speak to me
courteously, or I will call the manager."
Guy says, "Awright, can I please have a bastard file?"
"That's it!" the woman says, "I am calling the manager!" When the manager
gets there, he explains that a bastard file is a type of very
raspy file.
The woman apologizes to the guy, sells him the file, and he leaves.
Pretty soon the guy staggers back in, wanting another file, telling her the
other wasn't what he needed."
   "You need a bigger bastard?" she asks. The guy points in the showcase
and says, "Naw, one of those little fuckers will do."

- - - - -
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 22:00:32 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Definitions for the family

grandfather--a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her
inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant
grandchildren.

grandmother--a babysitter who doesnb't hang around the refrigerator.

father--someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.

mother--the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

child--a lump bred up in darkness.

aunt--the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.

uncle--a relative who only seem to like you when he needs something done for
       him.

son--the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

daughter--a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his
wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband
married her.

cousin--the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

mother-in-law--a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history,
               and judgements.

father-in-law--the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding
               because now his wife another man to harrass.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 22:23:11 PDT
From:    Patricia Sanchez <pass@NETSPACE.COM.MX>
Subject: The Creation <irreverent joke>

After the Lord created the Earth, He populated it with all
sorts of creatures.

The Lord made His best, however several animals were not
happy with the results. (And the Lord wouldn't change
anything because He already had destroyed the molds.)

Soon, complains were so numerous he even opened an office to
hear whoever that had something to say.

Standing in line were a camel, an elephant, a giraffe and a hen.

The camel complained bitterly:
--My Lord, this hump made me frankly ridiculous!!
--Dear camel, my son, in your hump you can store food and
  water so you are starvation and thirst proof!!!
--Great! --said the camel smiling.

The elephant:
--My Lord, my skin os so rude, no cold cream can help me!!
  these wrinkles... is there anything you can do???
--Elephant's skin are the best protection against mosquitoes,
  bees... No bug can bite you and eat on your blood, not to
  mention the resistance it has against dust, weather, etc.
--OK, said the elephant.

The giraffe thought she was right:
--My neck... What in the world made you believe I look
  aesthetic?? If I have to drink water, I almost can't reach
  the river...
--But your neck is good in reaching the tallest trees!! Now,
  go eat!!!!
--OK. I am convinced. Thanks, Lord!

The hen was listening quietly how the animals were going out
with a smile, and an expression of happiness in their faces.

Is the hen's turn:
--What's your complain, daughter hen???
--You are not going to take me in!!! Either make SMALLER MY
  EGGS OR WIDER MY ASS!!!!!!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jun 1997 to 27 Jun 1997
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