HUMOR Digest - 25 Jun 1997 to 26 Jun 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 439 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Modern Dating <adult humor>
  2. Two Mexicans <offensive to Mexicans)
  3. Ordering fast food
  4. Childhood Disease  <Adult>
  5. More E. European auto humor (off to EE auto owners)
  6. Last Wish <possibly offensive to women :) >
  7. HUMOR: cute yo mamma <not off>
  8. Mickey and Goofy <pos. offensive to Southern Baptists>
  9. Having a ball <adult>
 10. Application test to humor contributor's list. <adult humor>
 11. Nun Joke <adult>
 12. FW: HOW DOES A CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 02:59:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Modern Dating <adult humor>

*   "I don't see why you're complaining at all," sniffed the manager of
  the cable TV dating service.  "After all, you have to admit that what
  you saw was what you got."
    "Oh, I agree to that.  The video of her, as you showed it to me, was
  fine." retorted the client.  "But during the date, there proved to be
  way too much trouble with the horizontal adjustment."
                                - - - - -

* A confirmed bachelor I know has quite a system for rating his dates.
  In fact, for the particularly accommodating girls he keeps a separate
  registry.  He calls it his "Blew Book."
                                - - - - -

*   The attractive young thang was about to go to bed with her blind date
  when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about
  me." she said between sobs.  "I'm really not that kind of girl !"
    "I believe ya." her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
    "You're the first one." she gulped.
    "The first one to make love to you ?" he asked.
    "No !" she replied.  "The first one to believe me."
                                - - - - -

* On far too many dates, the young ladies complain that a quickie is no
  sooner spread than done."
                                - - - - -

* As for this current modern trend of the young ladies practicing sexual
  abstinence, I think it amounts to no more than nocturnal omission.
                                - - - - -

*   The college couple had just completed a somewhat pleasant date, and
  her boyfriend was looking forward to some wild sex, but the girl was off
  on her favorite subject, the economy.  After about 15 minutes, she said:
  "The price of food and entertainment, the cost of clothes, even the
  price to have my hair done...  I wish just one thing would go down."
    "You just got your wish." he stately flatly, and rolled over.

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 10:54:58 EST
From:    Salma Bakeer <salma@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: Two Mexicans <offensive to Mexicans)

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and
runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they
are phony).
He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the
words 'cheese' and 'liver' in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich
for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about
you?"  he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone.  Cheese mine."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 17:47:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Ordering fast food

20 THINGS TO DO AT A FAST FOOD DRIVE-THRU

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful
   expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape.
   Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and,
   thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the
   manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order
   taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your
   order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke
    and a small medium fries, please".

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out
    ofnline and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40
    bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them
    several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make
    sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think
    there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the
    window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled,
    incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim
    the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
    speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to
    pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on
    the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by
    speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she
    finishes,  have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many
    of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window
    to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.


---
Dork + modem - $$$$  =  Dork + modem + Internet address

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 08:06:05 -0400
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Childhood Disease  <Adult>

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed
together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes
were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.  "Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,
 "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 08:29:32 -0400
From:    David R Beach <dbeach@OSF1.GMU.EDU>
Subject: More E. European auto humor (off to EE auto owners)

Nathan's Yugo gas cap story reminded me of several Shkoda stories.
(Shkoda is the car made in the Czech Republic/former Czechoslovakia.)

Q. How do you double the value of a Shkoda?
A. Fill it with petrol.

Q. Why do Shkodas have rear window defrosters?
A. To keep your hands warm when you push it.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 08:48:34 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Last Wish <possibly offensive to women :) >

From: "Meurer, Greg" <GMeurer@WINNCO.com>

  A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible
storm.  The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they
are all going to die.
  At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and
exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an
animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling
like a woman.  Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a
woman?"  She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to
walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can
see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.  He stands in
front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a
woman before you die. Are you interested?"
  She shakes her head yes.
  As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 10:38:35 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: cute yo mamma <not off>

My 12-year old nephew came up with this one yesterday -

Yo mamma is so old her first car was a StegoTaurus!

(Stegosaurus was a dinosaur, Taurus is an American car)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 13:25:46 -0400
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Mickey and Goofy <pos. offensive to Southern Baptists>

     From a friend who said it came from a Disney employee.
     The newest thing circulating on inter-Disney e-mail servers:

     The Top 10 Effects of the Southern Baptists' Boycott of Disney:

     10.  Children in deep south begin mass conversion to Judaism.

     9.   Athletes now heard saying, "I'm going to Disneyland,  and then to
          HELL!!"

     8.   Disneyland courts atheists with new slogan:  "The closest place
          to heaven YOU'LL ever see!"

     7.   Hellfire and Animation!

     6.   Reduced pressure to put pants on Donald Duck.

     5.   Neighborhood "working girls" can no longer count on generous tips
          from visiting televangelists.

     4.   Crowds at DollyWood soar into the dozens.

     3.   Baptists now must visit Disney World in the same disguise they
          wear to the liquor store.

     2.   Chip & Dale land on the cover of "Out" Magazine.

     and the Number 1 Effect of the Southern Baptists' Boycott of Disney...

     1.   Absolutely Nothing!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 23:35:30 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Having a ball <adult>

Three ladies are searching for a lost ball on the golf course.
Suddenly they see a naked man, sunbathing; his face completely covered by a
newspaper.
Lady 1: 'He sure isn't my husband' .
Lady 2: 'He isn't mine, either.'
Lady 3: "He isn't even a member of the club.''

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 18:47:58 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Application test to humor contributor's list. <adult humor>

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Jun 1997 09:14:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Nun Joke <adult>

 A young nun walking back to the convent for evening mass. It is quite late
 and to save time she decides to take a short cut through a bad part of town.
 As she is hurrying down an alley a man jumps out, grabs her and drags her into
 his hovel.  He then proceeds to take sexual advantage of her.
 After he finishes he asks her what she is going to tell Mother Superior?
 "Well", she said, "I have to tell the truth.  I was hurrying back to mass
 when a man dragged me into his house and raped me twice."
 "Twice!", cried the man, "What do you mean.  You said you would tell the
 truth!"
 "Well, if you're not too tired!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 20:41:44 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: FW: HOW DOES A CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

     How does a chicken cross the road?

-- NT Chicken:
      Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
-- OS/2 Chicken:
      It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that
      nobody noticed.
-- Win 95 Chicken:
      You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it
      and it still tastes like ... chicken.
-- Microsoft Chicken (TM):
      It's already on both sides of the road.  And it just bought the
      road.
-- OOP Chicken:
      It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
-- Assembler Chicken:
      First it builds the road ...
-- C Chicken:
      It crosses the road without looking both ways.
-- C++ Chicken:
      The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him
      on the other side.
-- VB Chicken:
      USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
-- Delphi Chicken:
      The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
-- Java Chicken:
      If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
      download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
-- Web Chicken:
      Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
-- Gopher Chicken:
      Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
-- Newton Chicken:
      Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry
      it across the road in your pocket !
-- Cray Chicken:
      Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it
      in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
-- Quantum Logic Chicken:
      The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of
      the road until you observe it on the side of your course.
-- Heisenberg Chicken:
      We could tell you how it crossed the road, but we couldn't tell
      you where.
-- Lotus Chicken:
      Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
-- Mac Chicken:
      No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
      road, so there's no way to tell it to.
-- Al Gore Chicken:
      Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure)
      and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming
      he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.
-- COBOL Chicken:
      0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
      IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
         PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
         VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
            ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
      ELSE
         GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

Thanks to William Noble and A. Joseph Rockmore


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jun 1997 to 26 Jun 1997
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