HUMOR Digest - 21 Jun 1997 to 22 Jun 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 186 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Is This Any Way to Run an Airline ?
  2. Humor - Profundities* (Pt.2 of 2)
  3. Cameron Column #49
  4. the lemon (may be offensive to IRS employees)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Jun 1997 02:48:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Is This Any Way to Run an Airline ?

* I realize discount airlines offer lower fares by cutting corners.
  However, I think showing the co-pilot's vacation videos instead of
  a movie was a bit much !
                                - - - - -

* Two ladies were boarding the Concorde for the Atlantic Crossing.  As
  the pilot greeted them, the one said: "Now don't you go flying faster
  than sound the whole time -- we want to talk some too."
                                - - - - -

*   By tradition more than need anymore, some smaller commuter airlines
  still ask passengers their weight to determine flight load.  Several
  of the smaller island hoppers in Hawaii still follow this ritual.
    The ticket agent asked the man buying his ticket his exact weight,
  and the guy kinda smirked and said, "With or without clothes ?"
    The agent never even blinked or paused. "Whichever way you intend to
  travel with us today, sir."
                                - - - - -

* Have any of you ever really read those safety pamphlets on transatlantic
  flights ?  In there is a section on "ditching" in winter-like weather.
  The first hint tells the passenger to "avoid getting unnecessarily wet."
                                - - - - -

*   On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the
  window.  Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking
  wing tip light.  Finally, she rang for the stew.
    "I'm sorry to bother you." she said.  "But I think you should inform
  the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
                                - - - - -

* Two women travelers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some
  flight insurance at the terminal.  They couldn't decide who to name as
  beneficiaries however.  They ended up each naming the other and happily
  boarded the plane.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Jun 1997 10:59:12 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Profundities* (Pt.2 of 2)

* from  George Carlin's book, Brain Droppings.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on  crack who can play the bag
pipes.

It's impossible to dry one hand.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really te first major league baseball team, who
did they play?

Which is taller, a short order cook or a small engine mechanic?

If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he
might sell instant coffee in the express lane.

When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they've
caught the right one?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Jun 1997 23:43:47 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cameron Column #49

     As if workplaces weren't stressful enough, corporations recently have
begun to hire "Office Moms" to come in and, presumably, remind employees
that they should have been a doctor or gone into the shoe business with
Uncle Al.
     I am picturing my own mother in the role of Office Mom, and I have to
confess I think it would be enough to cause all of the Fortune 500 to
surrender to the Japanese.  This is a woman who sends me e-mail and then
calls me moments later to ask, "did you get my e-mail yet?"  (The last time
she did this I opened my e-mail to read, "did you get this?")
     Now, there is a lot about American business that I don't understand,
though I still insist my idea for a pocket microwave oven would have made a
million dollars if I could only have found an investor.  But I have to
wonder, why stop at an Office Mom?  Why not give America a whole virtual
family to help it handle the pressures of the 90's?
     You probably aren't wondering what duties these Office Others would
have, but here they are anyway.

Office Wife:  Stops in every once in awhile to remind you to fix the screen
door or that you promised to mow the lawn today.  Helpfully points our your
faults whenever you forget them.  Does not recognize beer as a food group.

Office Husband:  Sits on the couch in your office with the television
remote extended at full arm's length. Can't remember what he did with his
list of chores for today (see "Office Wife" for the source of the list.)
Continuously presses the channel changer on the remote unless he comes
across (a) a sports event of any kind, including Iranian Bowling, or (b)
Baywatch.

Office Brother-In-Law:  Still trying to "find himself," and apparently
thinks he'll be successful if he spends most of his time looking in the
hammock in your backyard.  Your largest single unsecured debtor.
Periodically comes in to tell you that you are letting your employer take
advantage of you, that if you were smart (presumably, smart like your
Brother-In-Law) you "wouldn't put up with such crap."  Then he pulls a beer
from your refrigerator and leaves.  Your Office Mom follows his visits with
one of her own, asking why you can't find the Office Brother-In-Law a job.
"Because he won't WORK!  You have to WORK to have a job.  There are NO JOBS
where you don't WORK!" you respond with strident calmness.  Everyone feels
you are too hard on the office Brother-In-Law.  "He really loves you," the
Office Mom advises you in a bid to boost your morale.  You do not want to
be loved by the Office Brother-In-Law.

Office Teenage Daughter:  Enters your office without warning and demands
money.  Wears half length shorts which appear appropriate only for
institutions with Girls! Girls! Girls! flashing in neon on the outside.
Shadowed by a lanky male youth who shakes your hand sullenly and twirls his
earring when you insist on an introduction.  He looks like the Office
Serial Killer.  He touches your Office Teenage Daughter's rump with his
hand every once in awhile and you want to feed him to the Office Paper
Shredder.   The Office Teenage Daughter is particularly well suited to the
night shift, since she cannot seem to grasp the concept of "curfew."  You
have been instructing her lately on the concept of "convent."

Office Sister:  The Office Sister provides a contrast to your own life by
being a Ph.D. or the junior Senator from the state of New Hampshire.  Her
house is spotless and her children are both honor students and clothing
models.  The Office Mom mentions the Office Sister with every breath, often
recounting the Office Sister's accomplishments (starting with winning the
spelling bee in fourth
grade) in case you are planning to write an Office Biography.

     Of course, if corporate America is going to furnish this Office
Family, it won't be long before most people will be demanding an Office
Bartender.


======================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Jun 1997 19:18:34 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: the lemon (may be offensive to IRS employees)

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that it offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but
nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter,
or what?"

With a huge smirk on his face, the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jun 1997 to 22 Jun 1997
************************************************
