HUMOR Digest - 20 Jun 1997 to 21 Jun 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 361 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Software Joke (off. to Wives)
  2. The Cost of Sex <adult humor>
  3. Out of history <no off>
  4. Lepers <off. to lepers>
  5. Parental Humor
  6. A Nash Classic <inoffensive>
  7. HUMOR
  8. Humor - Profundities* (Pt.1 of 2)
  9. <Humor> Sam and Janet Revisited
 10. Brian Dead <sexual content>
 11. FEAR
 12. Said to be true  (adult urban legend)

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Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 01:17:15 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Software Joke (off. to Wives)

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other
applications.  He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.  No
mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product
documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at
system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and
BarHopping 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, causing the
system to lockup when launched (even though these apps worked fine
before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of
undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta
is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each
passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

 - A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
 - Minimize button.
 - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the
   option of uninstalling at any time without loss of Cache and other
   system resources.
 - An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would
   allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with
Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I had found
many problems. Apparently you cannot install girlfriend 4.0 on top of
Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two
versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O
port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I
should have been aware of.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't
work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the
system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend
continually pop up annoying little messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0.

 ****** BUG WARNING ***********

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.  If you
try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming
insufficient resources. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing
Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer
applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 02:22:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Cost of Sex <adult humor>

*   The young general practitioner was giving his attractive Nurse a
  thorough annual check-up as a professional courtesy.  The Nurse had
  the distinct impression that the doctor was prolonging each step,
  but she said nothing at all.  Toward the end, he smiled and said,
  "You're lucky, you know, a session like this would have cost you at
  least a hundred and eighty-five dollars."
    "You're luckier yet, Doctor." laughed the girl.  "If you were a
  patient, this would have cost you at least three hundred."
                                - - - - -

*   The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for
  twenty dollars.  Ten to put it in and ten to take it out."  The boy
  quickly agree.
    The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her
  panties and laid back.  The boy slipped in his erection and handed her
  a ten dollar bill.  And then, when he was finished, handed her another
  ten and she released him.
    The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.  This time,
  he handed her the ten and then, when he had finished, just lay there.
  After about ten minutes, she said "OK Billy !  Take it out now."
    He continued to lay there and said, "I can't... I don't have any
  more money."
                                - - - - -

*   The waitress was tired of this one patron always hitting on her, so
  she came up with a plan.  "I'll tell ya what stud.  I'll have sex with
  ya on two conditions.  First, it'll cost ya fifty bucks.  Second, you
  have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
    He smiled, handed her a fifty and led her over to the pinball machine.
                                - - - - -

*   The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
  said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
    "And how much do you suggest I give ?" he replied.
    "It depends." she smiled,  "On entirely how long you want to keep her
  off of it."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 12:24:45 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Out of history <no off>

Girl:'I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte''.
Boy: "Great, isn't it ?'
Girl:'Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him'.
Boy: "And that is ?''
Girl: 'You have to put your hand in your own blouse'.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 06:34:35 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Lepers <off. to lepers>

Q: Why do lepers hate parties?
A: Because everybody keeps sticking potatoe chips in their back.

Q:Why do prostitutes love lepers?
A:Because they always leave a tip.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 12:51:36 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parental Humor

Parents: Take Time To Decompress  -- by Randy Shore

     I used to think I had a fairly busy life.  I was a young man starting
out as a reporter in Vancouver, working many weekends and evenings and had
an active social calendar.
     Clubs, drinks with friends, fishing, golf, girlfriends (later reduced
to girlfriend, then permanent emotional entanglement), dogs, and non-stop
fun were the staples on my smorgasbord of life.
     So, when my wife Darcy said to me, "I want to have a baby," I
immediately responded.  "Well, I'd like to get in a quick 18 holes before
the barbecue."
     Darcy insisted she was quite serious and so did I.
     "Look, can this wait?  I just had a shower," I said in a stunning
display of selflessness, then realizing my error continued.  "It sounds
like a great idea to me; you run with it, I'll be back at about three."
     And so it was done.
     Perhaps surprisingly, Darcy decided to have her baby with me.
Bachelors envision fatherhood as a non-stop purgatory of crappy diapers,
screaming kids, nagging cranky wives and utter destitution.  Most fathers I
know wish it were really that easy.  But aside from learning the truth
about life with children, I have learned that it is absolutely essential to
hold onto something from that near-forgotten former life.
     The most difficult part of childrearing is its relentless nature.
Toddlers rise at dawn and, possessing all the civilized manners of a
charging phalanx of Huns, want to eat something ... right then ... in the
morning ... before even a cup of coffee is made.  This is a demand that
Darcy is physically incapable of satisfying and therefore falls to me.  I
accommodate, but it is only the first in a series of demands by Keiran the
Incorrigible that continue until nightfall.  Men wonder why their wives
begin to narrate their lives after having children.  Simple.  Children want
continuous running commentary on everything that is going on and the minute
you break contact to have a thought of your own, your toddler is tucking
into a bar of soap or scaling the stereo cabinet.
     Have a child and never be alone again.  But think about the pressure
of doing a 13-hour stand-up routine while performing household chores.
Then do it 900 times in a row.  Now nod your head as the motivations of
mass murderers start to make more and more sense.
     Four months ago we added a second emotional black hole to our daily
schedule and, although significant improvements were made over previous
model years, the claim to "low maintenance" should be viewed with some
skepticism.  A not-previously-advertised feature in the 1996 model is the
optional need for sleep.  This a luxury we could have done without, but
Dylan the Dynamic cannot be stopped.  He doesn't sleep at all some days and
when he does it is usually for less than 15 minutes at a time.  Non-parents
can never know the glamour of having to choose between a bowel movement and
brushing your teeth as a personal day's accomplishment.  I usually get to
do both, but I am fortunate enough to work outside the home five days a week.
     So now our days start around 5 a.m. and end -- if we are lucky --
around 10 p.m. and God help you if you don't get to sleep right away.
     Darcy and I try to spell one another off, letting the other sneak away
to the basement to play a computer game or just sob uncontrollably, but
periodically it is essential that dads, and moms especially, breathe the
rare air of total freedom.  A natural martyr, Darcy can be tough to pry out
of the house.
     Suggest a round of golf or a party at a friend's home and she will
sigh despondently, "Oh well, have fun," implying that she -- as always --
will make the ultimate sacrifice and stay with the kids while I go off and
have a good time spending our children's milk money on booze and cheap
women, an attitude that can take the fun out of going out.
     This is a warning sign.  You must force your wife to golf or at least
have a drink with a little umbrella in it in the golf course lounge.
Ignore these signs and you will come home one day to find your One True
Love perched on the roof with a high-powered rifle and your next door
neighbours pinned down behind a hedge.
     HELPFUL HINT:  the word "diaper" should never be used while talking
her down.

======================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 09:25:09 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: A Nash Classic <inoffensive>

 The turtle lives 'tween plated decks,
  Which practically conceals its sex.
  I think it clever of the turtle
  In such a fix to be so fertile.

                        Ogden Nash

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 10:06:05 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR

   A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their
  doctor.  "I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue."
    The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition.  He
  asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?"
    "Yes." she replied.
    "And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked.
    "Grape." she said.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 10:42:08 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Profundities* (Pt.1 of 2)

* from  George Carlin's book, Brain Droppings.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who
believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something
called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things
better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it
the better.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always
wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated
closest to the bathroom.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 12:18:56 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor> Sam and Janet Revisited

OK, I goofed.  The punchline to KNOCK, KNOCK
                                Who's there?
                                Sam and Janet
                                Sam and Janet Who?

      is:  Sam and Janet Evening  (sung to the tune of Some Enchanted Evening
from SOUTH PACIFIC).

I left out the traditional punchline, only giving the Sam and Janet "Leaving"
pun on it.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 12:27:12 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Brian Dead <sexual content>

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.  The man
runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from
his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is
amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should
go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act
and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes
out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife is dead.  The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies "She
choked."

--From Brian Nicholls

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 12:29:39 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: FEAR

          ... Aibohphobia, n., The fear of palindromes.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 13:38:38 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Said to be true  (adult urban legend)

>From the reality beats fiction Dept:

One Friday evening around 7:30, a young couple enters a jewelry store.  He,
average looking, well dressed, She, DROP-DEAD Beautiful! They walk up to
the necklace counter and start browsing.(she is giggling constantly, he's
looking bored)  Shortly a clerk walks up to them and asks if she can be of
assistance.  The conversation went as follows:
He: "Yes, do you have anything GOOD?"
Clerk: "OH, Yes!" (she starts to reach for a good looking piece in the
display case)
He: "Hold on.. Let's save some time.  Show me the BEST diamond necklace
that you have on the premises."
Clerk: "Um, Yes Sir, I'll have to get the manager, it's in the safe."
 He: "I'll wait."
She: (looks like a VERY happy puppy)
Manager: (coming from the back with a box)"Sir, this is the best in the
house."
(he opens the box, there is a price tag of $23,000.00 on the necklace)
She: (gasp!) (melt)
He: (to she) "Would you like to try it on?"
She: (nod vigorously)
He: "Do you like it?"
She: (*KISS*)
He: "I'll take it.  You *DO* take personal checks don't you?"
Manager: "Um, yes sir, but, being as this is Friday and the banks have
closed. I can not release the necklace until I've verified funds.
You could pick it up Monday around noon."
He: "Fine."
She: (*KISS*,*KISS*,*KISS*)
-       -       -       -       -       -       -       -
Monday rolls around and the young man returns to the store.
 Manager: "YOU! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE!"
He: "I know, I'm here to collect the check."
Manager: "HERE! Now get out!"
He: "Oh, One other thing."
Manager: "What?"
He: "I'd like to thank you for the BEST weekend of my LIFE!"

- - - - -
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jun 1997 to 21 Jun 1997
************************************************
